sage1969

There are some days I'm resilient and some days I'm not. Today is just unbelievably hard. I'm an emotional mess and not being skillful with my interpersonal skills. I'm at my max emotionally, physically, and mentally. I have not reached out to ABF, numbed out with food, or done any other questionable coping skills. Yet, anyway

I've tried so many things: selfcare, a nice shower, a salad and tea for breakfast, rescheduling everything I could, quiet time for meditation . . . I'm just a hot mess today.

OKRunner

Dear Sage, I've had those days too. I think recovery and healing might be like that. A few good days, and then a really hard day. You are doing so well and I am so proud of you for all the self-care you gave yourself today. Maybe just keep riding the (not so great) wave today and I have a hunch tomorrow is going to be a much better day for you. Thinking strong and healthy and happy thoughts for you.

Cookie314

It's OK to have bad days, that's just part of healing. If it makes you feel better, I'm generally a hot mess with terrible interpersonal skills just on a normal day. I usually go for a really long walk when I'm stressed, call someone in my support network, go to bed early, etc. With time you'll have less days that are a mess. It's OK to be a mess sometimes, especially when everything is crazy. You'll find your way through.

Eauchiche

Dear Sage
i think you are selling yourself short on interpersonal skills. You helped me with an issue in another post.

I am sorry today was rough. I hope and pray that tomorrow makes up for it.

trailmix

I also hope tomorrow is a better day sage and yes, some days it does seem like nothing quite takes that edge off. There are some (theoretical) quick fixes, which you know don't really work and might set you back. You recognize that, you discount them, honestly that a great thing, you are strong and you will get through this.

Someone mentioned going to bed early, I hope you did. Sometimes that's all we can do is just say ok that was not a great day - I'm going to sleep! For me, I've noticed that sometimes when I am really kind of out of sorts a nap helps me "reset" the day, or my mood really. Then again, it's hard to sleep when you are miserable!

When you get up tomorrow and are hopefully feeling better, just remember you made it through that crappy day and you can do this (you just did).

PeacefulWater12

I hope you feel better today.

sage1969

Thank you to each of you who responded. When I go through these cycles, I'm really in the deep of it and I can't usually see to the other side. I did cry, feel the feels, nap, go to bed early. ABF started drunk texting and I texted a good night msg, then turned off my phone.

We still haven't had a serious talk about his drinking though he knows I want to talk to him about it. So far his only response was that it was a late night conversation, which I take as a comment to minimalise whatever he might remember if anything about his blackout. He's made no effort to make any plans with me. It's now been 4 weeks since we've seen each other.

Today I was able to get through and focus on class. Today was a much better day.

sage1969

His first message was a hey, what did I miss, then he got nasty, which I'd never ever heard him do, ever. This was a first. The whole exchange was via text message as his son was sleeping (though it's never stopped him before to talk every night when his son is home). It was probably easier for me to stand my ground texting than to actually talk.

I did point out it's been 5 weeks since we'd seen each other, and 2 since I'd sent the message that we needed to talk. I even asked if he'd read it, and he said he had.

I was polite. I was direct. I was honest. He wasn't willing to address the blackout drunk proposal nor my feelings, and we never even got to the part about alcohol. He shut the conversation down at that point with excuses (again, something I'd never, ever heard him do) at a time of night that normally he would have been calling to talk.

That was painful and hard. It was really sad. I'm not certain he will ever address any of it. I did not sleep until 3, and not very well. So now I guess it's out there, even if he won't talk about it. Hard to say if he'll even remember texting. In the past he doesn't seem to go back and read it the next day. So in his world it's possible none of this has even happened.