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Old 07-16-2021, 06:15 AM
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Ladies do you agree with?

Dear members:
It seems like in this forum, we are women that attached to alcoholic men and seems cant let go them easily until harm is done.
Personally, in my whole life, I immediately was attached to the men if they gave me a little gesture or attention. It was so humiliating, until recently I did not know a term "love addict." It was me, I am very easily attached to married men and emotionally unavailable men. Daydreaming about the men at the school and at thework.
My whole life was like this. I am feeliing at this moment like real LOSER, because I am left behind by my generation and beyond.
Throughout my life, I met wonderful people who they gave me many opportunities to prosper. However, I missed to grast those opportunities to make career and build a life for myself.
Because, the most of the time, I was so careless and never intent to make my own family, and kids, property. But, I spent whole time chasing men and daydreaming and seeking easy life based on my fears. At 44, I have no career, no children and no home owner or any other property owner.

Many of us here probably experienced that stayed with alcoholic men because of the intimacy (S.E.X) purely. Would you agree this, b/c I felt this in my last six years on and off alkie relationship, only physical intimacy I craved from him. B/c he did not have sustainable income, so we stayed at his parents place and I rented apartment when I had good salary, all I wanted physical intimacy from him under the disguise of love. Maybe, it was love not what we call. It was sure for physical pleasure.

Honestly, its just so sad, we women on this forum seemed that stayed with bad men because of our cravings for only physical intimacy and scared to be called single women. Am I right? Would you agree?
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Old 07-16-2021, 06:51 AM
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Interesting thoughts, thank you for sharing them. I relate.

I would call it "addiction" rather than "love". The chemicals the emotional roller coaster of being with partner who is an alcoholic, narc, dysfunctional etc produces.

This addiction, like all addictions, takes over all other parts of our thoughts and lives. Prioritised over everything else.

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Old 07-16-2021, 07:11 AM
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I think my desire for companionship and physical intimacy, combined with fears of being alone is part of it, but not all. I think a larger part of it is my tendency to downplay my own doubts, fears, anger, and feelings when they are against another person's. I tend to value talking care of the people around me over caring for myself, and that combined with my hesitancy against decisive action or conflict keep me from acting in my own self interest. It's almost like I get stuck in a passive rut, and the bad I know is somehow easier than the bad that might be. Coming to terms with the need to push myself to do difficult things is helping me move forward with my divorce and such.
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Old 07-16-2021, 07:12 AM
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Dear PeaceFulWater:
Thanks for your inputs, I agree with that how it envaded us this thing addiction, like drug itself, the men who are dysfunctional is like drug dealer...
I never drink or go out, or travel or buy clothes. But always spent my money for men likely, likey buying expencise clothes, gadgets etc.... even for crushes when I was yonger, isnt that mad??? Or impulsive clothing and beauty stuff shopping for myself if I am in relationship.
Of course, I take care of my family members and helped my nephews sometime elementary school tuition, rental and household stuffs since I live with time, but even I was far away, I used to send money to my family, but I saved nothing for me like saving, I just consumed. From my last job, I started to save a little money to my three nephews future college tuition, b/c their parents can afford their rental and tuition stuff. The rest of the salary I just spend for the alkie man to keep him with me, I guess inlcuding buying his alcohol too and food, rent and other all household stuff. From early on, I never learned to save....... I just spend.... compulsively.
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Old 07-16-2021, 07:28 AM
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Dear Cookie 314:
Thanks for you opinion, I relate what you said, we put others needs over us...... OMG!!! I am just sad now......I think we need lots of self-work before we take care of others.
Recently, I found a book titled "The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma"
have you read this book yet? Its well reviewed book in the mental health field.
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Old 07-16-2021, 07:31 AM
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Enkbaa, please do not be too sad over these discoveries. It is all part and parcel of recovery from codependence. We looked to others for validation and acceptance. Now is the time to start looking to yourself for validation and acceptance. You did the best you could with what you knew at the time, and as you learn better, you will do better by yourself.
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Old 07-16-2021, 08:39 AM
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No I haven't read that book. It's gonna have to go on the pile of recommended reading from this site 😅
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Old 07-16-2021, 09:17 AM
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I kinda realised this when I broke up with ABF last year, and wound up in a FWB . . . I realised I was just a booty call when "friend" was consistently walking me to the door a few mins before 2 hours were up each time, and once we went to the kitchen afterwards because he was hungry, and he fixed a plate of dinner for himself and sat down and started to eat.

Wake up call from the Universe!
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Old 07-16-2021, 09:20 AM
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I kinda realised this when I broke up with ABF last year, and wound up in a FWB . . . I realised I was just a booty call when "friend" was consistently walking me to the door a few mins before 2 hours were up each time, and once we went to the kitchen afterwards because he was hungry, and he fixed a plate of dinner for himself and sat down and started to eat.

Wake up call from the Universe!
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Old 07-16-2021, 05:52 PM
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I think with me it was slightly different. I thought I would be alone if I wasn't with my qualifier. I also tended toward FWB situations. That way, I could have an awesome physical relationship without risking rejection. The FWB guys were unavailable for a real relationship, for one reason or another. If I actually went out on dates, (or tried to) men could reject me, I could fall in love and have things not work out, any number of things. Being kind of in love with someone you only see now and then isn't much effort. No day-to-day dealing with someone, or keeping my apartment neat on a regular basis. No consideration of the future. *Lots* of anticipation, very little disappointment.
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Old 07-16-2021, 08:01 PM
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Same here Sage1969.... in the beginning of my relationshio with alkie, I was his booty call. But I relently pursued him and finally we entered full time relationship....


Originally Posted by sage1969 View Post
I kinda realised this when I broke up with ABF last year, and wound up in a FWB . . . I realised I was just a booty call when "friend" was consistently walking me to the door a few mins before 2 hours were up each time, and once we went to the kitchen afterwards because he was hungry, and he fixed a plate of dinner for himself and sat down and started to eat.

Wake up call from the Universe!
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Old 07-16-2021, 08:13 PM
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Dear Velma for sharing your experiences. Very true that FWB guys usually unavailable for real relationship. I had that too in my younger, he insisted it should be FWB and I insisted more that led more disappointments.

You
Originally Posted by velma929 View Post
I think with me it was slightly different. I thought I would be alone if I wasn't with my qualifier. I also tended toward FWB situations. That way, I could have an awesome physical relationship without risking rejection. The FWB guys were unavailable for a real relationship, for one reason or another. If I actually went out on dates, (or tried to) men could reject me, I could fall in love and have things not work out, any number of things. Being kind of in love with someone you only see now and then isn't much effort. No day-to-day dealing with someone, or keeping my apartment neat on a regular basis. No consideration of the future. *Lots* of anticipation, very little disappointment.
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Old 07-16-2021, 08:18 PM
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Thanks dear SparkleKitty for your kind words and encouragements. Do you think by discovering these things in this age is like I am recovering? B/c I always wonder why I am like this, why i behave like this and why I am so uncapable of maintain men......
I learned dysfunctional family and how childhoold upbrining pretty much impact our adult life recently.... its just so sad....
One time, I was dumped by married man b/c of othello syndrome jealousy, but he was not in love me and wife, but he met someone at the meet.up group activity, and evantually married that lady. I am still have that jealousy, most of the time.
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty View Post
Enkbaa, please do not be too sad over these discoveries. It is all part and parcel of recovery from codependence. We looked to others for validation and acceptance. Now is the time to start looking to yourself for validation and acceptance. You did the best you could with what you knew at the time, and as you learn better, you will do better by yourself.
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