I left, for good this time
 

One month ago, I walked out of my marriage to my AH. I am staying with friends, we are not talking, only texting logistics as I file for divorce. This journey has taken years. Our daughter is 11 and I remember the red flags of hidden bottles, open containers in his car back when she was a toddler. I tried to separate and leave but always caved, believing maybe this time would be different. As anyone who has been married to an alcoholic, I have put up with years of emotional abuse, shrinking myself and my needs and compromising my values just to survive. For those of you in a similar situation, you are not alone. For those of you who have reached the other side, any words of encouragement would be great. It is a bit scary out here in the in-between place but nowhere near as frightening and traumatic as living with a crazy-making A. Thanks for letting me share my story here.

Welcome to SR spiderweb :)
I'm wishing a great new chapter of life for you and your daughter :)

D

You have my deepest admiration, SW. You are showing your daughter that she never has to negate herself just to stay in a relationship…and that her mother will always have her back. Those things are truly priceless.

Even when it’s the right thing to do, that doesn’t make it easy. I hope you’ll continue to post. We are here for you, no matter what.

:grouphug:

I truly admire your courage! It's wonderful that you have been able to put yourself first. When you've suffered through years of abuse, that is so difficult to do. Now you can start healing!
I've not been able to break free yet, and hearing stories from those that have, is inspiring - so thank you for sharing :grouphug:

I know it sucks right now. I'm in the middle of filing myself. So far it's helping me to stay focused on work while I'm here, then busy with self care (exercise, eating, sleeping, etc) when I'm home, and staying in contact with my support network. It's really tough, but if events reached the point where you knew it was time to go, then it was the right thing to do. I hope we'll see you around more for posts and reading. There's a lot of good resources, like the best of sober recovery sub forum, and a lot of really supportive people on here with tons of experience. You're stronger than you think, and can do this.

Wow, thank you for your support everyone. Yes, I thought a lot about my daughter in making this decision. Maybe it boiled down to that for me- I didn’t want her growing up with this as her model. If I couldn’t do it for myself, I had to break the cycle for her sake.

Some of the things that got me here: Alanon meetings and readings, talking to a counselor who specializes in addiction (a double qualifier in recovery who could see both sides), reading Co-dependent No More, detaching and cleaning up my side of the street which meant going back to school, starting a new career and getting my self-esteem back. I started seeing myself again as a capable person who was liked and respected. I realized that this was the truth; I wasn’t the weak, crazy, insecure person my AH and I thought I was. It’s been a slow climb out of a very dark place. I look forward to joining in some more good conversations here. Thanks for all your positivity.

Thank you, Spiderweb, for sharing.
This site is a study in opposite forces converging; wonderful people and help, but horrible situations and stories.
We are here to support you and your daughter.

You have my deepest admiration. I had to leave a relatively short-term boyfriend with whom I had no children, not a husband with whom I had a child, and it nearly brought me to my knees (but it did not). I am in awe of your strength and am cheering you on. Good for you.

Spiderweb,

You are amazing! I'm so glad that you are doing this for you and your daughter, and it is amazing that you've been working so hard! Even a new career!

You said "cleaning up your side of the street." It is so hard for me sometimes to do this, to lift my head up above water and remember why and what. Thank you for this reminder!

Welcome, Spiderweb. Great courage you are showing. Breaking the cycle.