Contemplating leaving him
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
People will do things you never never thought they would when drunk and in progression of alcoholism—you need to get out of this situation immediately for your own safety.
This isn’t about rent money, or his feelings—women are killed far more frequently by “loved ones” than strangers.
This isn’t about rent money, or his feelings—women are killed far more frequently by “loved ones” than strangers.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Leana.....the gun is very wiorrysome. Please call your local domestic violence organization and ask them for a safe place to stay. They can help you with other resources that you may need. Caramel is right.
The time of leaving (or announcing your leaving) is considered the most dangerous time when exiting such a relationship.
Safety is always to be the first consideration.
There is help available for you. Please, please consider reaching out for it.
The dv organization can help you with getting a restraining order if you need it, also. They have legal services available.
A drunk person with a gun who may feel rejected---can be a very very dangerous person.
The time of leaving (or announcing your leaving) is considered the most dangerous time when exiting such a relationship.
Safety is always to be the first consideration.
There is help available for you. Please, please consider reaching out for it.
The dv organization can help you with getting a restraining order if you need it, also. They have legal services available.
A drunk person with a gun who may feel rejected---can be a very very dangerous person.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Leana....Good! That is a good decision on your part. Keep your car keys and phone and purse close by where you can grab them quickly, if you should need to, I suggest that you behave "normally" and don't get into or perpetuate any arguments with him.
Please keep us updated as you are able to---as we are all concerned for and care about you.
Many of us are familiar with your kind of situation and some of us tend to be Mother Hens.
Please keep us updated as you are able to---as we are all concerned for and care about you.
Many of us are familiar with your kind of situation and some of us tend to be Mother Hens.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: California
Posts: 534
Thanks dandelion. I don't have a car so car keys are not a problem. But not having a car in this situation is problematic.
I appreciate you all caring. I'll take all the mother hens that I can get!
I appreciate you all caring. I'll take all the mother hens that I can get!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 259
Hey leana, I hope you're doing well. I agree with the others on here, him having guns changes things drastically. I mentioned not talking to him about leaving earlier, and now is definitely the time to do that. Do not do or say anything to him that even hints at leaving. I know you care about him, and don't want to hurt or upset him, but your safety in this situation is paramount. Look at it this way: you don't want to cause a panic and have to report him to police for something and risk incarceration and such right? Well if he gets into a drunken, illogical state, your presence there may be the perfect outlet for him. It is saving both of you to leave. By removing yourself from the situation, you are removing yourself as an option for him to do something stupid and terrible to.
Calling the domestic violence line is a good start. There are safe houses and people you can talk to. You should try to find a safe place or shelter to stay in asap.
I would also pack a bag, and either have it somewhere easy to grab, or stored at a friend's house you can reach quickly. The idea is to have a bag that your can grab and go all at once.
Things to pack in a bug out bag:
Cash
Underwear/socks
Shirts/ pants/ pajamas
Weather appropriate hoodie or jacket
Phone charging block and cable
Water bottle/ snack bar
Feminine products
Any medicines you need
Hygiene supplies
House keys
Important documents (id, social security card, birth cert, etc)
Laptop and accessories if it'll fit
Pack that stuff quietly without him seeing, and keep it ready to go. Or honestly do it now, literally right after you read this, and just leave. If you feel stupid or silly for overreacting later, great. Because that means you're somewhere alive and safe to feel that way. You can always work things out with him with a mediator in a safe place later.
Other things to consider:
Turning location off on your phone, and disabling apps like find your friends if you both use them. When you leave you want to disappear like a fart in the wind. Don't post images on social media, or any updates really, and remove location tagging from images. If you're worried about him worrying about you, that's fine. You can tell him, or have someone else tell him, that you're safe later. When you're somewhere he doesn't know of.
Notify your support network and close friends and family that you're leaving if possible. If he really is imbalanced and willing to use weapons, he may try to get to you through others. They need to know not to let him or someone else he uses know where you are. They should also not let him in their homes or really anywhere near them if possible.
Reaching out to your employer about employee assistance programs that may help you with housing and such if you can't find anything through domestic help line.
I realize again this sounds paranoid, but when alcohol and guns are involved, it's the time for paranoia. You need to get out of there. Wait till he's passed out, grab your sh*t, and just leave. Don't tell him anything, talk to him, bring up your plans, nothing. You can do this.
Calling the domestic violence line is a good start. There are safe houses and people you can talk to. You should try to find a safe place or shelter to stay in asap.
I would also pack a bag, and either have it somewhere easy to grab, or stored at a friend's house you can reach quickly. The idea is to have a bag that your can grab and go all at once.
Things to pack in a bug out bag:
Cash
Underwear/socks
Shirts/ pants/ pajamas
Weather appropriate hoodie or jacket
Phone charging block and cable
Water bottle/ snack bar
Feminine products
Any medicines you need
Hygiene supplies
House keys
Important documents (id, social security card, birth cert, etc)
Laptop and accessories if it'll fit
Pack that stuff quietly without him seeing, and keep it ready to go. Or honestly do it now, literally right after you read this, and just leave. If you feel stupid or silly for overreacting later, great. Because that means you're somewhere alive and safe to feel that way. You can always work things out with him with a mediator in a safe place later.
Other things to consider:
Turning location off on your phone, and disabling apps like find your friends if you both use them. When you leave you want to disappear like a fart in the wind. Don't post images on social media, or any updates really, and remove location tagging from images. If you're worried about him worrying about you, that's fine. You can tell him, or have someone else tell him, that you're safe later. When you're somewhere he doesn't know of.
Notify your support network and close friends and family that you're leaving if possible. If he really is imbalanced and willing to use weapons, he may try to get to you through others. They need to know not to let him or someone else he uses know where you are. They should also not let him in their homes or really anywhere near them if possible.
Reaching out to your employer about employee assistance programs that may help you with housing and such if you can't find anything through domestic help line.
I realize again this sounds paranoid, but when alcohol and guns are involved, it's the time for paranoia. You need to get out of there. Wait till he's passed out, grab your sh*t, and just leave. Don't tell him anything, talk to him, bring up your plans, nothing. You can do this.
Last edited by Cookie314; 07-01-2021 at 05:20 AM. Reason: Spelling mistakes, again
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,578
I hope the rehab is for more than 30 days.
I wish you the best, but am not optimistic. Have you talked with him about his plans following discharge? What support he intends seeking?
Do you think he really wants to stop or is agreeing to rehab to prevent you from leaving?
Anyone talk about guns would see me heading for the hills.
Be safe.
I wish you the best, but am not optimistic. Have you talked with him about his plans following discharge? What support he intends seeking?
Do you think he really wants to stop or is agreeing to rehab to prevent you from leaving?
Anyone talk about guns would see me heading for the hills.
Be safe.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
lena.....of course, you are free to do whatever you want. lol...we are not the relationship Police. We are here to support you in any ways we can. Actually, we are all here to support each other.
If you would like a suggestion---I think that with him away for a window of time---the best thing would be for you to devote all of the time to thinking about yourself in an open-minded and contemplative way. Like who you are---and how did you get here--and what do you want your life to look like (beyond the next 30 days). What would allow you to thrive, rather than just exist.
Have you ever read "Co-dependent No More"...the most recommended book on this forum. If not, please read it right away. You can get it from the library or on amazon.com.
It is easy to read and I think it will resonate with you a lot!
Above all---turn your thoughts and psychic energy to yourself---not your boyfriend. You can't do anything about him or for him, except to enable him. He is going to do whatever he wants---regardless of anything about you.
If you would like a suggestion---I think that with him away for a window of time---the best thing would be for you to devote all of the time to thinking about yourself in an open-minded and contemplative way. Like who you are---and how did you get here--and what do you want your life to look like (beyond the next 30 days). What would allow you to thrive, rather than just exist.
Have you ever read "Co-dependent No More"...the most recommended book on this forum. If not, please read it right away. You can get it from the library or on amazon.com.
It is easy to read and I think it will resonate with you a lot!
Above all---turn your thoughts and psychic energy to yourself---not your boyfriend. You can't do anything about him or for him, except to enable him. He is going to do whatever he wants---regardless of anything about you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
I do hope you go ahead an contact your local DV center and talk to them anyway. Nothing you say will surprise or shock them. This is their daily work. They may also have services and support available to you (should you need it) that you may not even realize - like subsidized housing, counselling etc.
It never hurts to have the knowledge and it will actually make you feel less anxious perhaps.
I also hope you keep posting!
It never hurts to have the knowledge and it will actually make you feel less anxious perhaps.
I also hope you keep posting!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
leana....expanding upon what trailmix just asked---that she hopes that you will not stop posting at this point---I, also, second that.
It so often happens, on this forum---that a person comes who is in crisis as to whether stay or go---get some input from the forum---then, disappear if they decide to stay with their alcoholic. It seems that they, at that point, cease all/most of their work on themselves and channel it all back into their partner.
It is as if going back to or staying with the partner is synonymous with the desertion of working on the self.
Some do return if they find themselves in a crisis of decision, again.
One does not have to desert the self just because their partner is in their life. We should continue to grow and change no matter where we are in life, or who we are with.
leana....I think you would like reading the fabulous articles contained in the forum---"The Best of Soberrecovery".
Scroll down to the VERY last forum on the website----you will find these fabulous articles!
It so often happens, on this forum---that a person comes who is in crisis as to whether stay or go---get some input from the forum---then, disappear if they decide to stay with their alcoholic. It seems that they, at that point, cease all/most of their work on themselves and channel it all back into their partner.
It is as if going back to or staying with the partner is synonymous with the desertion of working on the self.
Some do return if they find themselves in a crisis of decision, again.
One does not have to desert the self just because their partner is in their life. We should continue to grow and change no matter where we are in life, or who we are with.
leana....I think you would like reading the fabulous articles contained in the forum---"The Best of Soberrecovery".
Scroll down to the VERY last forum on the website----you will find these fabulous articles!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 259
Yes leana, it's your choice and we support you. We (and I especially, I know) pushed you to leave out of concern for your safety. I'm still concerned for your safety, but you are in control of your own actions. Just as we cannot force our addicts to stop drinking, we cannot force you to leave or anything else.
I agree with trailmix and dandylion's suggestions about speaking with the domestic violence hotline either way, and continuing to introspect and care for yourself. You might also want to talk to his rehab facility. Some of them, like the one my AH first went to, actually offer free support for the loved ones of addicts. We have a zoom meeting every week, and it has helped me since the day I started.
Something to be mindful of as well, is to really dig down and be honest with yourself about what your hard boundaries are, and what you will do when he crosses them. What if he returns from rehab, does iop for a month or so, then continues to drink again after? What if he's sober but continues to hurt or belittle you? What if he physically hurts you? At what point is enough enough? You need to at least consider the scenarios where your lines are crossed, and try to honestly imagine what you would do in them.
Your loved one going into treatment almost always creates a sense of relief. As this time passes, the pain will slowly ebb away, the chaos of daily life with an addict will calm down, and eventually you may even anticipate his return. This is the part of the roller coaster that pulls you back in. When he returns, you need to have a very frank discussion with him about what your boundaries are, and what the consequences of crossing them will be. Write them out and hang them up even. Then you need to follow through with them. He will need to be the boundary guardian, to always be aware of them and respect them. If he doesn't, and he crosses those lines, you need to be prepared to follow through on the consequences, or all of your boundaries will become meaningless. And he will push them leana. Even if he's really giving recovery his best, he will push them subconsciously. You need to be firm with your love and support.
While it's important to create an environment supportive to recovery, it also needs to be an equal partnership. You need to look into your needs and desires. What is your love language, what do you want out of a relationship in general, out of this relationship specifically, and what will you do in either recovery or relapse? All of us are hoping he recovers, and rooting for you, but our fears and cautions are coming from personal experience. Hope for the best, but plan for the worst. Better his recovery is a happy surprise, rather than a relapse be a painful, possibly harmful one.
The best of forums here are an amazing resource like dandylion suggested, and I also suggest reading them. It goes over lots of readings from different books and articles, as well as posts from other members about things happening to them. I think it will help you to see how many others here have similar experiences.
Two of my favorites are:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...full-crap.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of Crap)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...tionships.html (Addiction, Lies and Relationships)
Good luck leana, and please don't stop posting. I also tend to drop off the radar when things calm down and get hectic again. But this forum is a great resource and place of support. We all love hearing from one another, and we're rooting for you.
I agree with trailmix and dandylion's suggestions about speaking with the domestic violence hotline either way, and continuing to introspect and care for yourself. You might also want to talk to his rehab facility. Some of them, like the one my AH first went to, actually offer free support for the loved ones of addicts. We have a zoom meeting every week, and it has helped me since the day I started.
Something to be mindful of as well, is to really dig down and be honest with yourself about what your hard boundaries are, and what you will do when he crosses them. What if he returns from rehab, does iop for a month or so, then continues to drink again after? What if he's sober but continues to hurt or belittle you? What if he physically hurts you? At what point is enough enough? You need to at least consider the scenarios where your lines are crossed, and try to honestly imagine what you would do in them.
Your loved one going into treatment almost always creates a sense of relief. As this time passes, the pain will slowly ebb away, the chaos of daily life with an addict will calm down, and eventually you may even anticipate his return. This is the part of the roller coaster that pulls you back in. When he returns, you need to have a very frank discussion with him about what your boundaries are, and what the consequences of crossing them will be. Write them out and hang them up even. Then you need to follow through with them. He will need to be the boundary guardian, to always be aware of them and respect them. If he doesn't, and he crosses those lines, you need to be prepared to follow through on the consequences, or all of your boundaries will become meaningless. And he will push them leana. Even if he's really giving recovery his best, he will push them subconsciously. You need to be firm with your love and support.
While it's important to create an environment supportive to recovery, it also needs to be an equal partnership. You need to look into your needs and desires. What is your love language, what do you want out of a relationship in general, out of this relationship specifically, and what will you do in either recovery or relapse? All of us are hoping he recovers, and rooting for you, but our fears and cautions are coming from personal experience. Hope for the best, but plan for the worst. Better his recovery is a happy surprise, rather than a relapse be a painful, possibly harmful one.
The best of forums here are an amazing resource like dandylion suggested, and I also suggest reading them. It goes over lots of readings from different books and articles, as well as posts from other members about things happening to them. I think it will help you to see how many others here have similar experiences.
Two of my favorites are:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...full-crap.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of Crap)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...tionships.html (Addiction, Lies and Relationships)
Good luck leana, and please don't stop posting. I also tend to drop off the radar when things calm down and get hectic again. But this forum is a great resource and place of support. We all love hearing from one another, and we're rooting for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: California
Posts: 534
Thanks so much everyone. He is currently negotiating with his doctor about which rehab to go to. His plan only has a day program, but he asked if he can go to an overnight facility, which he needs. They sometimes make exceptions for more severe cases. I think he is partly going to appease me, but I also think he really wants to get sober. He has a lot of shame about his behavior while drunk. Everytime he looks at the closet doors he punched holes in, his head goes down in shame.
I won't stop working on myself. I have a therapist and we are working on my self-esteem and my issues with my dad that are likely fueling my fear of leaving. I will check out the articles and the book Codependency No More.
I won't stop working on myself. I have a therapist and we are working on my self-esteem and my issues with my dad that are likely fueling my fear of leaving. I will check out the articles and the book Codependency No More.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Wishing you well, LB. One suggestion…I hope you will have as one of your boundaries there are to be no guns in the house, period. No guns in storage, either, if you can, or at least, you get custody of the keys and only you.
It only takes a split second of poor judgment combined with a gun to end a life. Some days I read about women (and men) in the news who have been murdered by their exes or about-to-be-exes and I sometimes wonder if we had ever seen them post here…and especially after they went silent.
No guns, yes?
It only takes a split second of poor judgment combined with a gun to end a life. Some days I read about women (and men) in the news who have been murdered by their exes or about-to-be-exes and I sometimes wonder if we had ever seen them post here…and especially after they went silent.
No guns, yes?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: California
Posts: 534
Hi Aries. They are in storage and there is no way he will get rid of them or give me control of them. It's just not going to happen. I do feel a lot safer with them being in storage. But I do understand your concern.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 259
Have you considered staying in the relationship but living separately for a time? That might give you a bit of space for introspection and calm from the chaos of living with an addict, as well as a bit more safety from being around him with guns. Aries is very right about how quickly things can turn tragic when guns are involved. It would also remove you as a source of blame if he relapses, while also bolstering him up a bit if he sticks with recovery, since he'd be showing he can do it on his own.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
I've been trying to break up with him since yesterday and he's not accepting it. He got drunk again today but not quite as bad as yesterday. I fear he will never accept it and I'll have to have the cops drag him away. He made a remark about his gun. I previously asked him to put his guns in storage but I think he went and got the hand gun this morning.
Please. At the very least, get the keys while he’s in rehab and hide them.
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