Can you help me understand?
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Originally Posted by Popsy 
Thank you again. I can't explain how helpful you are being. You are just breaking it down in a way I haven't been able too. I've looked online at so much stuff and I've gone on forums more family based and there's just nothing. Everyone just tells me to get therapy and move on. But I feel like you and others on here Can understand the hell it is and what I've been through.
I think from my gut he's got a few things going on. I've suspected a few things. He has depression. But he has a history of foolish behaviour. Wreckless driving. He was in a coma years ago due to dangerous driving. His chronic pain in his back is a result of the crash. He obviously got addicted to drink. Lost his job due to this. He did seem to do the standard narc pattern on me. Although like you say you can't diagnose people. I've researched borderline personality too when he first started having extreme emotional outbursts over normal things.
I do look back on insults and things he would randomly throw. He seemed to purposely mess with my mind. Particularly in the last few weeks we spoke. I suspect he was talking to someone else as he was online all night and taking much longer to respond to me. Also he had lost interest in the emotional side of things. It seemed to be sexual or chit chat for him.
Example of his moods. I helped him buy a new kettle the week I ended it. He was at work and told me to call. He was chatting as normal. Thanked me for ordering the kettle. Then he suddenly started going sarcastic. His mood went really strange and he called me a typical woman! I asked him what an earth that meant. He said you are a typical woman. You gossip and talk about people. I said who exactly do I talk about. His said your best friend. I was just speechless. I only talk about her in a positive way or to tell him what she has been up too. Just normal conversation. But that's the sort of thing he'd do.
He also said in the final week women get the wrong idea when he's just being friendly. I said do I get the wrong idea. He said yes I think you could do!
His behaviour is certainly messed up. I think something has been missed. It's not right people can just walk around like him but there is such a lack of services and he's definitely been left to it after his suicide attempt. I still can't get over how they prescribe him opiates and he's not taking them safely. This is a guy who swallowed pills last year and is trusted with 56 opiates at a time. He stops and starts them. He's had reactions to them. He occasionally takes them at weekends now I believe. But I'm not sure.
There's just so much stuff for me to unpick. But this thread has really helped me. I can't express how much I appreciate you all taking time out to help me. It's lovely because I have nobody who could ever wrap their heads around it all and understanding it is definitely hard. It certainly can only be understood by others who have been around these sorts.
I don't think he will ever deal with it to be honest. He hates himself deep down. I know he often is low. He has told me many times he thinks what's the point etc. But then if he could concentrate on one woman and put his effort into repairing relationships with his family he could have a much more meaningful life when he's not working. I understand he's in pain physically. But all he's got is his phone and a bunch of meaningless women to talk too. It's just a waste. But he will never realise until it's too late.
I feel sorry for his future victims as I'm sure theyl be many. I think he will leave me alone now as I've sussed him to much and he really didn't like me contacting other women who I suspected. But I was correct with both.
I think from my gut he's got a few things going on. I've suspected a few things. He has depression. But he has a history of foolish behaviour. Wreckless driving. He was in a coma years ago due to dangerous driving. His chronic pain in his back is a result of the crash. He obviously got addicted to drink. Lost his job due to this. He did seem to do the standard narc pattern on me. Although like you say you can't diagnose people. I've researched borderline personality too when he first started having extreme emotional outbursts over normal things.
I do look back on insults and things he would randomly throw. He seemed to purposely mess with my mind. Particularly in the last few weeks we spoke. I suspect he was talking to someone else as he was online all night and taking much longer to respond to me. Also he had lost interest in the emotional side of things. It seemed to be sexual or chit chat for him.
Example of his moods. I helped him buy a new kettle the week I ended it. He was at work and told me to call. He was chatting as normal. Thanked me for ordering the kettle. Then he suddenly started going sarcastic. His mood went really strange and he called me a typical woman! I asked him what an earth that meant. He said you are a typical woman. You gossip and talk about people. I said who exactly do I talk about. His said your best friend. I was just speechless. I only talk about her in a positive way or to tell him what she has been up too. Just normal conversation. But that's the sort of thing he'd do.
He also said in the final week women get the wrong idea when he's just being friendly. I said do I get the wrong idea. He said yes I think you could do!
His behaviour is certainly messed up. I think something has been missed. It's not right people can just walk around like him but there is such a lack of services and he's definitely been left to it after his suicide attempt. I still can't get over how they prescribe him opiates and he's not taking them safely. This is a guy who swallowed pills last year and is trusted with 56 opiates at a time. He stops and starts them. He's had reactions to them. He occasionally takes them at weekends now I believe. But I'm not sure.
There's just so much stuff for me to unpick. But this thread has really helped me. I can't express how much I appreciate you all taking time out to help me. It's lovely because I have nobody who could ever wrap their heads around it all and understanding it is definitely hard. It certainly can only be understood by others who have been around these sorts.
I don't think he will ever deal with it to be honest. He hates himself deep down. I know he often is low. He has told me many times he thinks what's the point etc. But then if he could concentrate on one woman and put his effort into repairing relationships with his family he could have a much more meaningful life when he's not working. I understand he's in pain physically. But all he's got is his phone and a bunch of meaningless women to talk too. It's just a waste. But he will never realise until it's too late.
I feel sorry for his future victims as I'm sure theyl be many. I think he will leave me alone now as I've sussed him to much and he really didn't like me contacting other women who I suspected. But I was correct with both.
Originally Posted by Hopeworks
Journey...
some wise woman cautioned on this forum:
“Red flags are not party favors so don’t collect them” and “You can squeeze the alcohol out of an asshat and sometimes all you have left is a sober asshat”...
Abstinence and a recovery lifestyle and character growth are very different things... and the honeymoon period with a clever and attractive A mastermind has gutted many a smart woman!
I can testify! But... this too shall pass and time heals and your red flag radar warning bell will see the next guy a mile away! Do the homework... it’s good medicine😉
some wise woman cautioned on this forum:
“Red flags are not party favors so don’t collect them” and “You can squeeze the alcohol out of an asshat and sometimes all you have left is a sober asshat”...
Abstinence and a recovery lifestyle and character growth are very different things... and the honeymoon period with a clever and attractive A mastermind has gutted many a smart woman!
I can testify! But... this too shall pass and time heals and your red flag radar warning bell will see the next guy a mile away! Do the homework... it’s good medicine😉
He has brought on alot of his misery himself. We do have choices as adults and it's down to us to adult properly. He chose to walk away from his kids when they needed him and I guess that in itself shows he has always been this way. Even before drinking.
Your quotes are good thank you. I think he's an asshat and always will be. I'd bet money on him already talking to someone new.
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Originally Posted by Cookie314
I think what this part of his mentality really shows is that he still isn't in a place where he is willing to really dig deep into his own issues, internally. "If I can just repair my relationships with X people..." or "If I can just find the right woman..." etc, "...then my life would have meaning/I could drink less/I could be in less pain/etc."
This is a great way of removing responsibility from himself for things not working out. A failed relationship was because it wasn't with the right woman. It just wasn't the time to repair things with his family, he'll do it eventually. THEN he'll finally be able to fix these other problems or reach some other goal. The trick is to put artificial barriers in front of the thing you don't want to do, then say you couldn't do it because the prerequisite wasn't met. "No, see, I wanted to stop drinking, but things weren't working out with X-thing, and it was too much to handle so I couldn't." Drinking is both the reason the thing failed, and the thing failed so he had to continue drinking. The perfect circle of "logic."
My AH also talks about how much pain he's in, and it's effective because I love him so much. I hate seeing him in pain. I want so desperately to be able to help him with that pain. To make it go away, and to bring things "back" to the normal and comfortable. It took me a long time to realize that our normal was so comfortable because of how good we both were at avoiding facing issues directly.
I know that my actions caused him pain, but I don't mean that in the way that I'm at fault for it. What I did was stop softening the landing. My action of cutting off my enabling, of pulling the pillow out so to speak, caused him pain, because I was no longer absorbing the pain and consequences of his actions. He was.
When your ex is saying things about needing a better woman, repaired relationships, etc, but isn't putting the work in to face himself head on, then he's just reaching out for someone else to give him a pillow. (Or more accurately, to be the pillow.)
This is a great way of removing responsibility from himself for things not working out. A failed relationship was because it wasn't with the right woman. It just wasn't the time to repair things with his family, he'll do it eventually. THEN he'll finally be able to fix these other problems or reach some other goal. The trick is to put artificial barriers in front of the thing you don't want to do, then say you couldn't do it because the prerequisite wasn't met. "No, see, I wanted to stop drinking, but things weren't working out with X-thing, and it was too much to handle so I couldn't." Drinking is both the reason the thing failed, and the thing failed so he had to continue drinking. The perfect circle of "logic."
My AH also talks about how much pain he's in, and it's effective because I love him so much. I hate seeing him in pain. I want so desperately to be able to help him with that pain. To make it go away, and to bring things "back" to the normal and comfortable. It took me a long time to realize that our normal was so comfortable because of how good we both were at avoiding facing issues directly.
I know that my actions caused him pain, but I don't mean that in the way that I'm at fault for it. What I did was stop softening the landing. My action of cutting off my enabling, of pulling the pillow out so to speak, caused him pain, because I was no longer absorbing the pain and consequences of his actions. He was.
When your ex is saying things about needing a better woman, repaired relationships, etc, but isn't putting the work in to face himself head on, then he's just reaching out for someone else to give him a pillow. (Or more accurately, to be the pillow.)
Hi it was me who was saying if he could do those things such as concentrate on one woman and make things right with family. I think my method of writing isn't always clear sorry.
I just think he can't see what's under his nose. If I take my feelings out of the equation and concentrate on his last long term relationship. She was 10 years younger. Nice enough looking. Already had a mortgage so he just moved in with her and never went on the mortgage. (he had nothing at that point as he was living at a friend's after the last failed relationship) they got dogs together. Went away to places in Europe to travel and have holidays. She bought him a car which he still has broken 12 years later and won't part with it. They had Alot of meals out with her family too. They did up their garden up and had everything they wanted like plants, hot tubs etc. But despite the fact he had a good life he couldn't focus on her.
Now he's seen the aftermath of it all. He ruined his relationship. He had to move out. He lost everything inside the house. Although she's going to give him his plants back one day apparently. He's got no decent furniture. He's in a really run down property. He's got no savings. Lost his family connections. When he lost his ex he lost all her family. Lost his social life too.
I came along and he could have learned now he was sober ETC. But rather than learn from the past he was being dishonest within weeks of meeting me. Old habits started returning. Only now he's not drinking. Which he ofcourse used as an excuse for cheating on his ex etc. He claims the woman he had a fling with is a huge regret. He felt horrible afterwards and he'd never go near her sober. Yet he was still contacting this lady faking a future with her when he was with me. He's become a sober liar.
I don't think it's because he's not met the right person. I think it's because there is something inside him that he's unable to control. He's impulsive. Thinks he can do what he likes. He's always been able to walk away. He did it to his ex own kids. I think his ex was very much the right person for him. He knew he had it good. But he is selfish and naturally lacks empathy. He doesn't see how he hurts people and he certainly doesn't seem to care about others thoughts and feelings. He's broken alot of hearts. I know of two other ladies who had short term Games from him like me. They are smart women too. Mums with careers etc. But he just has this way of making you think wow. Then being able to walk away like you was nothing.
I understand how you feel about wanting to take away the pain they suffer. In his case even opiates were not helping. They just gave him other problems. Sleep issues. Mood swings. Appetite changes.
Thank you for your reply. I hope my reply makes sense now in regards to me saying those things about him, rather than those thoughts coming from him. X
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Yes it does, I should have asked if that was a quote! Though I think a lot of the point still applies. He is still using excuses for all of the things that don't work out. It is also really normal for addicts to be very impulsive. They have a thought like "I want a drink" and act on that right away, without thinking through the consequences of that action. I also hope in time he's able to see the connection between his actions and their consequences.
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Yes definitely. Alot of your post described how he likely thinks and you are so right. He doesn't think beyond his own wants and needs.
I've never been able to understand how you can bond with someone but still be so easily turned by someone else. It shows he cant truly attach.
I hope he realises one day too. But I think he will be long gone in my life by then..
I think a part of me will always care for him but luckily the feelings have faded. I know now I don't want him. I'm sad for what I thought we had and what could have been. I think that's the battle I'm now in with myself. It's saying goodbye to all that. It's definitely hard right now. But all of your replies have helped me make sense of it a little more and keep my head clear. X
I've never been able to understand how you can bond with someone but still be so easily turned by someone else. It shows he cant truly attach.
I hope he realises one day too. But I think he will be long gone in my life by then..
I think a part of me will always care for him but luckily the feelings have faded. I know now I don't want him. I'm sad for what I thought we had and what could have been. I think that's the battle I'm now in with myself. It's saying goodbye to all that. It's definitely hard right now. But all of your replies have helped me make sense of it a little more and keep my head clear. X
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I'm glad it helps 😌 I think it helps me too. I spend a lot more time on forums and in support groups when things are crazy. Talking through stuff has always helped me, since it shows how similar everyone's struggles are.
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Exactly and I think you have to find the right forum too. If you go on the wrong one people can't relate and view you as just being weak and vunerable. I don't feel I am those things. I am a good person who didn't have the truths to make a choice. If he came with a list of behaviours id have given him a wide birth.
it certainly helps. I was really stupid in may and wasted a huge amount of money on a psychic reading or five. I was that desperate for someone to tell me what was going on. I feel stupid now. But I was awake at 3am and my head was a mess.
One of his other victims is now on antidepressants. She said to me he has this way of making you love him. Then she said she still thinks of him everyday and has no Closure. I am not wanting that to be my words in a years time. I hope I'm a few weeks away from that.
I think my mind's troubled that people choose such a sad exsistance that's all based around hurting others. I wish I could shake him and say can you not see how much you loose.
Every woman who's been hurt by him is attractive. With it. Mother's. Workers. They take pride in their appearance. Literally nothing feeds that mans needs and so people pay the price for him over and over. I think for a short while he thought I had gotten him over his ex. I think he was on a high over me for a while. But his selfishness won a couple of months in.
I found out about the online lady and the sex just at the right time.if I had found out in April I would have been an absolute mess. But by may he had shown even more of who he was so I liked him less. Certainly helped me take that information a little better.
It's sad to see so many people on this forum in emotional pain like this isn't it..
it certainly helps. I was really stupid in may and wasted a huge amount of money on a psychic reading or five. I was that desperate for someone to tell me what was going on. I feel stupid now. But I was awake at 3am and my head was a mess.
One of his other victims is now on antidepressants. She said to me he has this way of making you love him. Then she said she still thinks of him everyday and has no Closure. I am not wanting that to be my words in a years time. I hope I'm a few weeks away from that.
I think my mind's troubled that people choose such a sad exsistance that's all based around hurting others. I wish I could shake him and say can you not see how much you loose.
Every woman who's been hurt by him is attractive. With it. Mother's. Workers. They take pride in their appearance. Literally nothing feeds that mans needs and so people pay the price for him over and over. I think for a short while he thought I had gotten him over his ex. I think he was on a high over me for a while. But his selfishness won a couple of months in.
I found out about the online lady and the sex just at the right time.if I had found out in April I would have been an absolute mess. But by may he had shown even more of who he was so I liked him less. Certainly helped me take that information a little better.
It's sad to see so many people on this forum in emotional pain like this isn't it..
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Originally Posted by Popsy
It's sad to see so many people on this forum in emotional pain like this isn't it..
In a way, we here on this forum are the lucky ones. That may seem like a crazy thing to say, Popsy, but it's true. Things got bad enough for us to go looking for help. Because things got bad enough, we took that first terrifying step to reach out for help. We took that first step, and then another, and then another--maybe slowly, maybe quickly, maybe knowing it was the right thing and maybe scared to death it wasn't the right thing.
Once that began for me, I started to be aware of just how small my world had gotten and how warped my perspective was. As I began to learn, it got harder and harder to unsee the things that were becoming clearer and clearer to me. You might like to look in on Peaceful Water's thread in this forum, "My eyes were opened!". Something that was recently posted there that resonated strongly for me was this:
Like they say in AA when you relapse and drink and you have a head full of recovery knowledge, it spoils the drink because you know what you are doing. These insane behaviours only work when they are in the half light and steeped in denial.
So Popsy, although it truly is sad that there are so many people in the world struggling in situations like the ones here, it's nothing short of a miracle that there are so many resources available and such a great chance for them to come out the other side of pain and fear and confusion as stronger, wiser, more grounded, more joyful people. You'll be among them, I feel sure.
Link to PW's thread: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-part-2-a.html (My eyes were opened! Part 2)
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Originally Posted by honeypig
In a way, we here on this forum are the lucky ones. That may seem like a crazy thing to say, Popsy, but it's true. Things got bad enough for us to go looking for help. Because things got bad enough, we took that first terrifying step to reach out for help. We took that first step, and then another, and then another--maybe slowly, maybe quickly, maybe knowing it was the right thing and maybe scared to death it wasn't the right thing.
It is sad to see so many of us in pain, but it's comforting too. We aren't alone in our pain. Our thoughts, good and bad, aren't weird or abnormal. There's people here across the entire spectrum of experiences to share their stories. Of course no two situations are totally the same, but the pool of experiences is a great resource. I sent Dandylion a message recently commenting that I found it funny we both replied to a forum within a few minutes of one another, with very similar responses, and she told me "once you've swam down the river, you learn where the rocks are." I think she said it perfectly. We're all in this river together.
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I absolutely agree. It is so good that there's access to places like this. That is a perfect quote. When you've swam the river you know where the rocks are.
I sometimes feel like I've not suffered enough to still be in this place. I had a very short journey with it. But in those months I was involved with him so much happened. I never quite know where to begin and I think that's why I've really struggled and gone around in circles.
It's the dry drunk.
It's his sleeping problems.
the pain he's constantly in with his back.
the opiates and how they affected him.
His depression.
How he underweight and doesn't always eat properly or shop..
It's his mood swings.
It's the way he kept his ex around.
It's the lies he told me.
it was the put downs.
It was him mentioning other women.
It was him talking to other women.
It was finding out he was on dating apps.
It was how he wouldn't let me ask questions about feelings.
It was how bad he was with money.
It was how he had no vehicle so couldn't drive us anywhere.
It was realising he had fallen out with everyone.
It was how he punished me with silence.
How he cut me of 3 times and left me alone and came back less loving everytime.
This is all the stuff I have dealt with. My mind's a mess.
But by talking on here more of it is making sense. X
I sometimes feel like I've not suffered enough to still be in this place. I had a very short journey with it. But in those months I was involved with him so much happened. I never quite know where to begin and I think that's why I've really struggled and gone around in circles.
It's the dry drunk.
It's his sleeping problems.
the pain he's constantly in with his back.
the opiates and how they affected him.
His depression.
How he underweight and doesn't always eat properly or shop..
It's his mood swings.
It's the way he kept his ex around.
It's the lies he told me.
it was the put downs.
It was him mentioning other women.
It was him talking to other women.
It was finding out he was on dating apps.
It was how he wouldn't let me ask questions about feelings.
It was how bad he was with money.
It was how he had no vehicle so couldn't drive us anywhere.
It was realising he had fallen out with everyone.
It was how he punished me with silence.
How he cut me of 3 times and left me alone and came back less loving everytime.
This is all the stuff I have dealt with. My mind's a mess.
But by talking on here more of it is making sense. X
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I'm pretty sure if you turned that into a checklist, most of us could check off similar experiences and behaviors with our addicts. Everyone reaches a breaking point. When your addict is truly pursuing recovery, it's important to help foster an environment for it. When they aren't though, those attempts to create that environment get thrown back in your face. Only you can know where your breaking point is. It takes time to make sense of everything going on in your own head, but you'll heal with time and forge your own path forward.
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Good morning. I just wanted to come on here again to write how I'm feeling.
I'm still going strong. He's blocked by me on Facebook and it's been 4 weeks. He blocked me on wattsapp. But last night I noticed his photo was back when I replied to a friend's message. So he's unblocked me on wattsapp. He's not contacted me at all though.
I got my friend to look on his Facebook to see whether there's anything hinting towards him playing games. The woman he had sex with a few times when he was giving me the silent treatment had posted a picture. He had told her to have a great night and put a few kisses to her..... So he's still involved with her. She told me she wasn't interested in him and because he's an ex drinker she would never be with him. She also said he was horrible when she learned how he treats women. She's not local anyway so I'm sure eventually she will meet someone else. But he is still allover the place as expected!
Anyway. I really thought the games would have stopped now. I would like to think by now he realises he's burned his bridges with me.
I know I have no interest in speaking with him ever again now. But I don't understand why yesterday he felt the need to have a tiny bit of access to me available. He just never learns. The fact he can't stick with one woman surely means he should be able to find plenty of new ones so he doesn't need to have any sort of link to me.
I lie alone at night trying to make myself feel better after his lies completely damaged me. He's flirting with several women. So why can't he just stop trying to torment me or add me into his games?
I know I have the control now and I've made my choice that I don't want him in my life. But it still winds me up that he still has little thoughts in his mind about power and me being one of his options.
Just needed a talk. Hope everyone is ok. I'm actually having a good weekend and busy with my children. The more I do. The more I know I'm happiest without him.
I'm still going strong. He's blocked by me on Facebook and it's been 4 weeks. He blocked me on wattsapp. But last night I noticed his photo was back when I replied to a friend's message. So he's unblocked me on wattsapp. He's not contacted me at all though.
I got my friend to look on his Facebook to see whether there's anything hinting towards him playing games. The woman he had sex with a few times when he was giving me the silent treatment had posted a picture. He had told her to have a great night and put a few kisses to her..... So he's still involved with her. She told me she wasn't interested in him and because he's an ex drinker she would never be with him. She also said he was horrible when she learned how he treats women. She's not local anyway so I'm sure eventually she will meet someone else. But he is still allover the place as expected!
Anyway. I really thought the games would have stopped now. I would like to think by now he realises he's burned his bridges with me.
I know I have no interest in speaking with him ever again now. But I don't understand why yesterday he felt the need to have a tiny bit of access to me available. He just never learns. The fact he can't stick with one woman surely means he should be able to find plenty of new ones so he doesn't need to have any sort of link to me.
I lie alone at night trying to make myself feel better after his lies completely damaged me. He's flirting with several women. So why can't he just stop trying to torment me or add me into his games?
I know I have the control now and I've made my choice that I don't want him in my life. But it still winds me up that he still has little thoughts in his mind about power and me being one of his options.
Just needed a talk. Hope everyone is ok. I'm actually having a good weekend and busy with my children. The more I do. The more I know I'm happiest without him.
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Originally Posted by Popsy
I know I have the control now and I've made my choice that I don't want him in my life. But it still winds me up that he still has little thoughts in his mind about power and me being one of his options.
I wonder, why did you have your friend look at his FB page? I am just wondering, not having any preconceived notions. I mean I've looked at a person's FB page before after we broke up, I eventually blocked him from mine, but I could see his and all his phoney posts, what he didn't realize is that everyone knows him, so it was just more of his garbage he shows them.
For you though, since he is seeing this woman, don't you find that hurtful? If it's not helpful and it hurts you, maybe best not to look? I don't know, how do you feel about it?
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Thanks for your reply. I have blocked him everywhere else. I guess I could block him on there too. I was just afraid of him noticing me reacting and that would make him feel he's gotten under my skin if that makes sense. Although if he sends me a message I'll have to block him.
He's not actually seeing this woman now. They have remained friends as she's not local. But he will be messaging her and stuff as he seems to message alot of women. It's a weird thing he does for his ego I guess. It's all games with him.
I wanted My friend to look to see if he's falling out with anyone or whatever. As I figured he's come back in this subtle way for a reason. Clearly I'm still one of his toys it seems.
It's weird now. I am over him. But not really over what he does. If that makes sense? I almost think I try see what he's doing so I can be prepared for the next chunk of lies that may appear at some point to mess me up again. Although I'm in a really good place now strength wise. I won't be dragged into his games anymore.
Thank you replying to me.its so helpful to get it off my chest. This is why I suspect he could be a narcissist on top of the rest of it.
He's not actually seeing this woman now. They have remained friends as she's not local. But he will be messaging her and stuff as he seems to message alot of women. It's a weird thing he does for his ego I guess. It's all games with him.
I wanted My friend to look to see if he's falling out with anyone or whatever. As I figured he's come back in this subtle way for a reason. Clearly I'm still one of his toys it seems.
It's weird now. I am over him. But not really over what he does. If that makes sense? I almost think I try see what he's doing so I can be prepared for the next chunk of lies that may appear at some point to mess me up again. Although I'm in a really good place now strength wise. I won't be dragged into his games anymore.
Thank you replying to me.its so helpful to get it off my chest. This is why I suspect he could be a narcissist on top of the rest of it.
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The first man I had a really serious relationship with, I'll call him Mark. He always joked about having a Plan B for things, If plans for the weekend fell through, car broke down...I realized, at the end of our relationship, that *I* was Plan B. If he couldn't get Susie or Lauren or whomever, I was still there. I still remember the end. I found a framed collage, pictures of me my Mom had given him for Christmas - laid face down in his bedroom. I gathered up the things I had there, and the last thing I grabbed was that picture. He did protest "it's not what you think" and 'that's a gift your mother gave to me" but at that moment, I saw the truth. He was actually sleeping with someone else. Plan B my ___.
Still have that collage, almost 40 years later.
I re-connected with one of Mark's friends on Facebook and he asked do I ever hear from Mark. No, I told him. You and Bob were as close to him as anybody. The words that appeared on my screen nest were, "Well, I'd forgive him. I can't speak for Bob, though." I have no idea what Mark did, but he'd managed to hurt the two men he had had the longest relationships with, and then, according to this fellow, "...moved across the country to leave his past behind."
Still have that collage, almost 40 years later.
I re-connected with one of Mark's friends on Facebook and he asked do I ever hear from Mark. No, I told him. You and Bob were as close to him as anybody. The words that appeared on my screen nest were, "Well, I'd forgive him. I can't speak for Bob, though." I have no idea what Mark did, but he'd managed to hurt the two men he had had the longest relationships with, and then, according to this fellow, "...moved across the country to leave his past behind."
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,427
Addicts and people who use people as he appears to do always like to have a “back-up” plan in case they need a soft landing or an ego boost when their BS is seen through by the latest targets. Keeping you unblocked keeps the line open because you may be able to be pulled back iin by apology and sweet talk, or by his just reaching out when you are in a vulnerable moment.
I know that sounds harsh, but it happens over and over. Addicts put themselves, and their drug of choice, first, and all of the rest of us are resources to keep it going if we look at it in its harshest light.
My suggestion might be to wait a week and permanently delete him from all your media, and not to “look” via a friend anymore. As long as you are focused on him, you are taking the focus from yourself and your own healing. You deserve far better—someone who has a loving heart just as you do.
I know that sounds harsh, but it happens over and over. Addicts put themselves, and their drug of choice, first, and all of the rest of us are resources to keep it going if we look at it in its harshest light.
My suggestion might be to wait a week and permanently delete him from all your media, and not to “look” via a friend anymore. As long as you are focused on him, you are taking the focus from yourself and your own healing. You deserve far better—someone who has a loving heart just as you do.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Popsy, gently, not being over what he does is the same as not being over him. We are all, essentially, what we do.
The best way to prepare yourself for his next volley of lies and efforts is to reinforce your own values and boundaries.
The best way to prepare yourself for his next volley of lies and efforts is to reinforce your own values and boundaries.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
Popsy, gently, not being over what he does is the same as not being over him. We are all, essentially, what we do.
The best way to prepare yourself for his next volley of lies and efforts is to reinforce your own values and boundaries.
The best way to prepare yourself for his next volley of lies and efforts is to reinforce your own values and boundaries.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 336
It sounds like you are in process of getting over him and doing a great job! But yes, even if he doesn’t think he can fully “get you back” he probably suspects on some level that any action on his part can throw your life into some degree of chaos again. And THAT makes him feel important, and pumps that ego.
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