I think it's time to hop off the roller coaster
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 259
I think it's time to hop off the roller coaster
Hello again everyone! I've been away for a time again dealing with the fallout of living in a soap opera, but hopefully things will slowly begin to level out. I had to reread my last post to see where things left of
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,986
So sorry to hear that the roller coaster has continued. Sadly this is often the case with addicts.
Your last post described a pretty non-workable situation for most people. Has this just continued as is or has anything changed?
I hope you can start putting together a plan to get yourself on solid ground soon
Your last post described a pretty non-workable situation for most people. Has this just continued as is or has anything changed?
I hope you can start putting together a plan to get yourself on solid ground soon
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 259
I'm sorry, i accidentally hit post because of my butter fingers. I copy and pasted the edit here, since it timed out. I'll finish the story in the next message.
Hello again everyone! I've been away for a time again dealing with the fallout of living in a soap opera, but hopefully things will slowly begin to level out. I had to reread my last post to see where things left off, a lot has happened in a few weeks. You can read the novel I left in my prior post if you'd like. I'll try not to go on so long this time.
After my AH stormed out again, I had a pleasant weekend with my sister and her fiance. The following Monday I went to work as normal, then returned home to find him sitting on the couch. He was clearly drunk, and claimed he'd "only had half as much as the day before." Going to a hospital to manage withdrawal is too expensive, and they just give you Valium and observe you after all. It's just a scam for your money. *eye roll*
At this time he already knew my desire to get an apartment and separate. I was still researching divorce vs mediation, and if they were necessary to sell the house. The mediator actually ended up calling me back at this point, and we spent some time discussing exactly what her services were, assets vs debts, etc. When I finished, I went to tell AH more about it, and barely made it to describing what assets were before he went off on me. I had said how different states divide assets such as 401k, accounts, etc vs debts such as the house loan, and he started yelling about how his mother was right about me, how I'm trying to steal his retirement, how he should just quit his job so I can't get anything, etc.
The argument went on for far too long with me trying to explain myself before my sanity returned, and I reminded myself that civil discussion with someone who's drunk was impossible, and ended it. As I stood in my room, I found myself staring at the door knob, and how I could lock it from the inside. I was rationalizing how the key portion of the lock it outside, so he could just open it, before catching myself again and realizing I needed to just leave the house. I didn't think he would physically hurt me, likely he'd just follow me around badgering me to continue "talking", but the fact that my lizard brain felt threatened enough by either risk that I wanted to barricade myself in my room. I called my sister, grabbed as much as I could, grabbed my cat, and left to go to her place. Once AH realized I was leaving he helped me put stuff on the car before locking himself in the bathroom.
Hello again everyone! I've been away for a time again dealing with the fallout of living in a soap opera, but hopefully things will slowly begin to level out. I had to reread my last post to see where things left off, a lot has happened in a few weeks. You can read the novel I left in my prior post if you'd like. I'll try not to go on so long this time.
After my AH stormed out again, I had a pleasant weekend with my sister and her fiance. The following Monday I went to work as normal, then returned home to find him sitting on the couch. He was clearly drunk, and claimed he'd "only had half as much as the day before." Going to a hospital to manage withdrawal is too expensive, and they just give you Valium and observe you after all. It's just a scam for your money. *eye roll*
At this time he already knew my desire to get an apartment and separate. I was still researching divorce vs mediation, and if they were necessary to sell the house. The mediator actually ended up calling me back at this point, and we spent some time discussing exactly what her services were, assets vs debts, etc. When I finished, I went to tell AH more about it, and barely made it to describing what assets were before he went off on me. I had said how different states divide assets such as 401k, accounts, etc vs debts such as the house loan, and he started yelling about how his mother was right about me, how I'm trying to steal his retirement, how he should just quit his job so I can't get anything, etc.
The argument went on for far too long with me trying to explain myself before my sanity returned, and I reminded myself that civil discussion with someone who's drunk was impossible, and ended it. As I stood in my room, I found myself staring at the door knob, and how I could lock it from the inside. I was rationalizing how the key portion of the lock it outside, so he could just open it, before catching myself again and realizing I needed to just leave the house. I didn't think he would physically hurt me, likely he'd just follow me around badgering me to continue "talking", but the fact that my lizard brain felt threatened enough by either risk that I wanted to barricade myself in my room. I called my sister, grabbed as much as I could, grabbed my cat, and left to go to her place. Once AH realized I was leaving he helped me put stuff on the car before locking himself in the bathroom.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,986
Originally Posted by Cookie314 
The argument went on for far too long with me trying to explain myself before my sanity returned, and I reminded myself that civil discussion with someone who's drunk was impossible, and ended it. As I stood in my room, I found myself staring at the door knob, and how I could lock it from the inside. I was rationalizing how the key portion of the lock it outside, so he could just open it, before catching myself again and realizing I needed to just leave the house. I didn't think he would physically hurt me, likely he'd just follow me around badgering me to continue "talking", but the fact that my lizard brain felt threatened enough by either risk that I wanted to barricade myself in my room. I called my sister, grabbed as much as I could, grabbed my cat, and left to go to her place. Once AH realized I was leaving he helped me put stuff on the car before locking himself in the bathroom.
Just keep taking that Next-Right-Step.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Cookie.....yeah, there can come a moment in time when you just Know that it is time to leave.
Cookie.....I couldn't help but to burst out laughing when I read that he helped you put stuff in the car and then locked himself in the bathroom. That is how the drunk mind works......
Cookie.....I couldn't help but to burst out laughing when I read that he helped you put stuff in the car and then locked himself in the bathroom. That is how the drunk mind works......
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 259
Ok, sorry again for the mix up. Part 2:
I stayed at my sister's for the remainder of the work week. AH actually ended up calling my mom Tuesday to "find out if I was ok" which opened communication a little. I tried multiple times through the rest of the week to talk to him about our options going forward, both for the house and our marriage. He didn't respond to me at all though. My sister and I tried looking at apartments, but the fact that I'm paying the mortgage and he wasn't responding to me meant I simply couldn't afford one right now.
Friday rolls around, and we divided it has been long enough. I needed to go to the house to take care of my snake and tarantula, and try to talk to him if he was able. The three of us (my sister, her fiance, and I) went to the house after we were out of work. We discovered his brother had been staying there with him, I don't know how long, and both were drunk or passed out on the couch. The house was a disaster. Dishes everywhere, food scraps and fast food wrappers on the floor, AH literally had a pile of bottles next to him on the floor around the couch, etc. I had literally just cleaned the Sunday before I left, so 4 days in they're "care" had left the place a complete wreck.
AH wouldn't even look at me. Literally. I asked how he was doing, he replied "not good" then pulled the blanket over himself like a child. His neither would respond to me a little, but basically with single word replies and not much else. We took care of the animals while AH went from the blanket to locking himself in the bathroom again. He came out once to get his phone, and when I asked him if we could talk, turned away from me and locked himself up again.
This took place between 2 and 3 in the afternoon. We left once the animals were taken care of and went back to my sisters. Then at 7 I get a call from the police. The officer said that my BiL had called them saying AH was locked in the bathroom, saying that he had a Mangum (357? He said one specifically but I don't know guns) and was threatening to kill himself with it. So now everyone was outside, the crisis negotiators were on their way, the whole street was locked down, and he wanted to know if I thought he really had a gun.
After telling the cops everything that I could about what had been happening up to this point, that I didn't think he had a gun but I'd been out of the house so I couldn't be sure, and speaking with the negotiator, all we could do was wait. They told me I shouldn't come down there because it might agitate him more. After several hours we ended up going to sleep without hearing anything. I called in the morning, and thankfully the officer who initially called me was able to talk, and told me that AH had been brought in to the hospital for care after about 5 hours of negotiating, and that they didn't find any weapons.
I spoke to his doctor in the hospital extensively after getting in contact with them, and gave her his back story as well as warning her how good he is at manipulation. Whether or not he means it, he will manipulate the situation to maintain control. He will be so incredibly agreeable, and cooperative with them, because he's so desperately afraid of being forcibly locked into an institution. And he was too. We ended up staying away from the house because the doctor said he was technically able to leave on his own if he chose (I have no idea why, according to her he'd also been threatening to shoot the police, not just himself) and we didn't want to be there if he came home by surprise.
Monday rolls around, and the doctor tells me that she can no longer file for section 35 to forcibly admit him, because he's being admitted into the hospital fully because of his worsening withdrawal symptoms. This removed him from her car and jurisdiction. I gave up on filing for it myself, because he was being so "cooperative" about treatment that it likely wouldn't have gone through. Instead on Tuesday I went to a lawyer and filed for divorce.
Monday night my sister and I returned to the house to clean up and help me back in. If was even worse. It's incredibly violating to know swat has gone through all your stuff. The basement was flooded from him being in the shower so long it ran down through the bathroom floor. My cat's litter box had been broken (we think by accident) and poop tracked around. My private sex things were pulled out and scattered on the bed. Stuff was everywhere. All this on top of the mess the two of them had created from a week of mutual binge drinking. It took us about 5 hours to clean the house back up to normal.
Things calmed down a bit after I went back home. I blocked AH for a bit, because he was sending me messages accusing me of putting f*ck cameras around the house to stream online and **** like that. Later a coworker of his contacted me saying he needed to report that he was in the hospital if he wanted to keep his job. I called his doctors and told them he needed to reach out to his job, I would only do so if they felt he was mentally incapable. His doctor and I both agreed that losing his job might be a consequence he'd need to bear, but he was able to reach out to his HR department and keep his job.
We've messaged some since then, and I visited him once to bring clothing and deodorant and stuff. I stopped him from kissing me and told him I don't think we can repair our relationship right now. I need time to myself, and he needs time to prove to me and himself that he can actually focus on his sobriety. I haven't told him directly yet that I've filed for divorce. I am honest when I say I still love him, but I also tell him that I need that time apart, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to move past everything that has happened.
He just checked into a rehab facility on Wednesday, and hasn't had his phone. It has been a relief for now, but I think he went for a shorter two week rehab instead of longer. Because of course he did. I'm working on getting more stuff packed now, and talking to my lawyer about how fast our slow we can move things, depending on how much he cooperates.
So yeah, it has been complete madness. My mood has been improving more as I've had time alone. While I still have guilt and doubts, I'm better at catching and accepting the feelings without being overrun by them. Hopefully he will cooperate with refinancing the house loan fully into his name when he gets out, so that I can make the move smoothly. I'm definitely ready to break this cycle of insanity.
I stayed at my sister's for the remainder of the work week. AH actually ended up calling my mom Tuesday to "find out if I was ok" which opened communication a little. I tried multiple times through the rest of the week to talk to him about our options going forward, both for the house and our marriage. He didn't respond to me at all though. My sister and I tried looking at apartments, but the fact that I'm paying the mortgage and he wasn't responding to me meant I simply couldn't afford one right now.
Friday rolls around, and we divided it has been long enough. I needed to go to the house to take care of my snake and tarantula, and try to talk to him if he was able. The three of us (my sister, her fiance, and I) went to the house after we were out of work. We discovered his brother had been staying there with him, I don't know how long, and both were drunk or passed out on the couch. The house was a disaster. Dishes everywhere, food scraps and fast food wrappers on the floor, AH literally had a pile of bottles next to him on the floor around the couch, etc. I had literally just cleaned the Sunday before I left, so 4 days in they're "care" had left the place a complete wreck.
AH wouldn't even look at me. Literally. I asked how he was doing, he replied "not good" then pulled the blanket over himself like a child. His neither would respond to me a little, but basically with single word replies and not much else. We took care of the animals while AH went from the blanket to locking himself in the bathroom again. He came out once to get his phone, and when I asked him if we could talk, turned away from me and locked himself up again.
This took place between 2 and 3 in the afternoon. We left once the animals were taken care of and went back to my sisters. Then at 7 I get a call from the police. The officer said that my BiL had called them saying AH was locked in the bathroom, saying that he had a Mangum (357? He said one specifically but I don't know guns) and was threatening to kill himself with it. So now everyone was outside, the crisis negotiators were on their way, the whole street was locked down, and he wanted to know if I thought he really had a gun.
After telling the cops everything that I could about what had been happening up to this point, that I didn't think he had a gun but I'd been out of the house so I couldn't be sure, and speaking with the negotiator, all we could do was wait. They told me I shouldn't come down there because it might agitate him more. After several hours we ended up going to sleep without hearing anything. I called in the morning, and thankfully the officer who initially called me was able to talk, and told me that AH had been brought in to the hospital for care after about 5 hours of negotiating, and that they didn't find any weapons.
I spoke to his doctor in the hospital extensively after getting in contact with them, and gave her his back story as well as warning her how good he is at manipulation. Whether or not he means it, he will manipulate the situation to maintain control. He will be so incredibly agreeable, and cooperative with them, because he's so desperately afraid of being forcibly locked into an institution. And he was too. We ended up staying away from the house because the doctor said he was technically able to leave on his own if he chose (I have no idea why, according to her he'd also been threatening to shoot the police, not just himself) and we didn't want to be there if he came home by surprise.
Monday rolls around, and the doctor tells me that she can no longer file for section 35 to forcibly admit him, because he's being admitted into the hospital fully because of his worsening withdrawal symptoms. This removed him from her car and jurisdiction. I gave up on filing for it myself, because he was being so "cooperative" about treatment that it likely wouldn't have gone through. Instead on Tuesday I went to a lawyer and filed for divorce.
Monday night my sister and I returned to the house to clean up and help me back in. If was even worse. It's incredibly violating to know swat has gone through all your stuff. The basement was flooded from him being in the shower so long it ran down through the bathroom floor. My cat's litter box had been broken (we think by accident) and poop tracked around. My private sex things were pulled out and scattered on the bed. Stuff was everywhere. All this on top of the mess the two of them had created from a week of mutual binge drinking. It took us about 5 hours to clean the house back up to normal.
Things calmed down a bit after I went back home. I blocked AH for a bit, because he was sending me messages accusing me of putting f*ck cameras around the house to stream online and **** like that. Later a coworker of his contacted me saying he needed to report that he was in the hospital if he wanted to keep his job. I called his doctors and told them he needed to reach out to his job, I would only do so if they felt he was mentally incapable. His doctor and I both agreed that losing his job might be a consequence he'd need to bear, but he was able to reach out to his HR department and keep his job.
We've messaged some since then, and I visited him once to bring clothing and deodorant and stuff. I stopped him from kissing me and told him I don't think we can repair our relationship right now. I need time to myself, and he needs time to prove to me and himself that he can actually focus on his sobriety. I haven't told him directly yet that I've filed for divorce. I am honest when I say I still love him, but I also tell him that I need that time apart, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to move past everything that has happened.
He just checked into a rehab facility on Wednesday, and hasn't had his phone. It has been a relief for now, but I think he went for a shorter two week rehab instead of longer. Because of course he did. I'm working on getting more stuff packed now, and talking to my lawyer about how fast our slow we can move things, depending on how much he cooperates.
So yeah, it has been complete madness. My mood has been improving more as I've had time alone. While I still have guilt and doubts, I'm better at catching and accepting the feelings without being overrun by them. Hopefully he will cooperate with refinancing the house loan fully into his name when he gets out, so that I can make the move smoothly. I'm definitely ready to break this cycle of insanity.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 259
Thanks, I really appreciate the support and kind words.
It was definitely really crazy. It's funny (in the odd way, not the haha way, you know what I mean) how fast this has all been happening. That was only two weeks ago (so just the Friday before last one) but it feels like so much longer. It's like whiplash or something. It definitely makes me glad I left the house when I did.
It helps to post on here and reach out to my weekly support group and counselor too. My family is also very supportive, so my network is still going strong. Now if I could just stop eating all of the supportive desserts people keep giving me, I'd be all set 😋
It was definitely really crazy. It's funny (in the odd way, not the haha way, you know what I mean) how fast this has all been happening. That was only two weeks ago (so just the Friday before last one) but it feels like so much longer. It's like whiplash or something. It definitely makes me glad I left the house when I did.
It helps to post on here and reach out to my weekly support group and counselor too. My family is also very supportive, so my network is still going strong. Now if I could just stop eating all of the supportive desserts people keep giving me, I'd be all set 😋
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,986
I want to think if you have one tiny knowledge tool like, "Don't argue with a drunk." or ''Get away if you feel unsafe." it will make all the difference. I don't know if this is true.
Keep taking care of yourself. Stay hydrated. Get a walk in now and then and don't beat yourself up about the desserts.
Keep taking care of yourself. Stay hydrated. Get a walk in now and then and don't beat yourself up about the desserts.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 259
Originally Posted by Bekindalways
I want to think if you have one tiny knowledge tool like, "Don't argue with a drunk." or ''Get away if you feel unsafe." it will make all the difference. I don't know if this is true.
Keep taking care of yourself. Stay hydrated. Get a walk in now and then and don't beat yourself up about the desserts.
Keep taking care of yourself. Stay hydrated. Get a walk in now and then and don't beat yourself up about the desserts.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
