JTLor3

Not mine. Hers.

Cookie314

Alright, then they need education on this. If it's her family though, I would take their opinions with a grain of salt. Most people are very quick to jump to the defense of their family member over someone outside the group, even if that member was the one in the wrong.

Something that helped me deal with my AH's mother being so toxic towards me is the phrase his circus, his monkeys. I didn't get into my relationship with my husband to be with her, she just happened to be the family he had. Having a positive relationship with her would have been great, but it wasn't meant to be. She is his mother, not mine. I am free to cut her out of my life, just as he is free to keep her in his. You aren't the conduit between her and her family. They're her monkeys, let her run the circus.

If they can't treat you fairly and with respect, then they don't deserve to contact you. What about your family then? What do they say about all this? What sort of support network do you have set up?

Bekindalways

Ugh. You might consider making this separation stick. It often feels terrible, like abandonment, to leave an alcoholic; however she has pretty much left you for alcohol.

What is your situation right now? I can't remember if you said you two were married?

JTLor3

Haven't seen her in almost two years. I've told two psychologists and one doctor, but I didn't really connect with my main psychologist. I've told one or two friends about it, but to most people and to my parents I've held in inside, because 1. Their opinion of my ex is bad enough and 2. it's not good conduct to share around someone else's health details such as addiction. I'm planning to look for a new psychologist about my anxiety, but for now I'm waiting to see how thing play out after I got on SSRI antidepressives a few months ago. (I had dropped them last year.) We weren't really married as I had some confused ideas about marriage. (She thought churches were romantic although neither of us were religious.)

edoering

I think words like “enabling” can be so emotionally charged because of how they relate to concepts like control and culpability.

Sometimes, we have spent too much time blaming ourselves for other people’s decisions (perhaps almost wishing we actually had some kind of control!) and we benefit from those three C’s, reminding ourselves we didn’t cause it, can’t cure it, and can’t control it.

Other times times we are more aware of how out of control our lives are, and we feel backed into a corner, and can’t see the parts of our life we can control—our choices. When that happens, I think it does help to look at what choices we have made that have contributed to the overall ****** situation. That doesn’t mean the situation is “our fault,” it’s just a chance to find a way to make our own lives a little better if we feel like we need to.

So there is no “right” way to handle a partner battling addiction. No psychology approval-stamped method. There is just the way(s) that we are okay with living our lives. I think “enabling” is a flexible term that helps us see where we do and don’t have power over our lives. And I think it’s healthy to be honest with ourselves about that. Me personally, I had to learn there’s a lot more I can’t control than I’ve wanted to admit to myself, but as scary as it was, I am happier and less exhausted now that I’m not trying to control everything. So I guess, what do you need? Do you tend to feel overwhelmed by feeling responsible for keeping everyone happy and safe? Or do you often feel helpless and hopeless? Why is it important to you who does or doesn’t see certain behaviors as enabling?

Bekindalways

That sounds like it was a good decision. How have those years been? It took me several years to be okay with the split from my XA.

I don't think so much about "enabling" as much as I do about the concept of "my side of the street.". For whatever reason, I have a tendency to get up in other people's business. Over the decades, I have come to see this as a type of arrogance in that I think I can fix someone; this is so not true.

If you are no longer in-touch with your Ex, I wouldn't worry about enabling and whether anyone finds the concept helpful. Look for ideas and/or phrases that give you a bit of understanding on how you can live a bit better yourself.

JTLor3

I feel the outcome was necessary, and so is dealing with it although it's never easy (much like a cornelian dilemma). I feel particularly entitled to my rights, and suffer when I can't make those rights known. People sometimes strongly adjust their comportment by negative judgements of other people - that is, by doing the opposite of what is expected. In my SO's case, I exerted my right not to be her babysitter, and finally my right to disengage from my SO, so that I wouldn't be anything more than delivery boy for her.

That is, assuming that you were not making a rhetorical question.

Eauchiche

Dear JTL
I just want to apologize for coming down on you so severely in an earlier post.
Forums such as this one are great, but communication of this type has its inherent weaknesses. Misunderstandings can easily develop.
I want to offer you my personal support in your journey. I am glad you are here among us.

JTLor3

Uh, I texted her a month or two after the split, insinuating that I can get her "anything she wants" so she would take me back. Yeah I know, shocking behaviour. I guess my behaviour is roughly analogous to being an addict. Everyday I'm thinking what an inhumane life she must be living, but I've resisted contacting her because I'm trying to put my head back together and see what's best for my own good.

Well I guess, along with wanting a "catchy title", I aspired to redress something that I don't know quite how to redress. Edoering's last post made me realize that I'm a bit off the track trying to redress this in terms of psychology, when it's more of a sociological issue. The sociology of addiction is one theme I wish I had given more consideration - it's a theme that hasn't been talked about (or studied?) adequately.

Bekindalways

[QUOTE=JTLor3;7657365]Uh, I texted her a month or two after the split, insinuating that I can get her "anything she wants" so she would take me back. Yeah I know, shocking behaviour. I guess my behaviour is roughly analogous to being an addict. Everyday I'm thinking what an inhumane life she must be living, but I've resisted contacting her because I'm trying to put my head back together and see what's best for my own good.

Come over and sit next to me JTLor3. My Addict Ex was a total addiction for me. I actually left the Northern Hemisphere for 6 months so I would stay away from him; I was that enmeshed. I knew I would have gone back at the least provocation.

I don't know if my addiction to him was psychological or sociological. I can see how my wounds and short comings made the relationship beyond appealing. I don't feel I have changed so much as learned to work with and around my issues.

In what way do you see your attraction for her psychological and/or sociological? . . . . . please don't answer if this is an impertinent question.

Sueby

Sorry, wrong topic!

JTLor3

I don't know about attraction in psychological or sociological terms. I'm thinking more about substance additiction, in abstract terms; social effects which shape our mentality, in imposing on us attitudes, duties and language (words like "addict", “enabling” etc.). I'm especially affected by the attitude that you shouldn't talk to mutual friends about someone else's stuff, because talking about their health issues is bad conduct, and I feel in the wrong that I gave a friend some details. But I guess one could address addiction also when in comes to addiction to a person, as I've encountered both positive and negative judgements concerning my relationship status. I'm trying to relate to the "wounds" and "short comings" you mention, and problem is I've been gullible and at odds with authoritarian views that people should be reprimanded for their actions and dominated.

It might help sharing these things with someone who has experienced the same. Unfortunately I live in Europe. (English isn't even my native language although I've taught myself in that.)

JTLor3

I also have a friend who talked to me about his girlfriend's mental health, what medication she's on, etc. and I really felt like it was some transgression.

SmallButMighty

It is my opinion, that talking about someone else's individual issues is crossing a line.. BUT... when some else's actions affect ME, I am 100% with in my rights to talk to anyone I feel comfortable with about MY experiences. If that means explaining that So-and-so's drunken behavior caused me to have a bad experience , well then, so be it. Once it has affected me, it is my experience, it belongs to me and I can talk about it in that context all I want to. I spent far too many years not speaking my truth because I was defensive for, and protecting, the alcoholics in my life. That was not a healthy way for me to live.

Bekindalways

Well here on Soberrecovery we wouldn't call talking about someone else's problems "bad conduct"; we would call it "not your side of the street" or sometimes "Not you circus. Not your monkeys.". This just means that it is their business and problem. We can't change them. We can change our own actions so focusing on ourselves is healthier. Involving ourselves in other people's alcoholism has been a way for some of us to avoid looking at our own problems.

That being said. We tend to understand here an unhealthy focus on someone else's issues. We have all done that in some form or other.

Your English is pretty darn impressive. There might be sometimes we don't quite understand: keep trying to talk to us if it helps. Most of us have experienced some of what you have been through.

That must be difficult to look at your own shortcomings when you expect someone to reprimand and dominate you. I wouldn't find that helpful at all with my own shortcomings.

makomago

I don't think you understand the term enabling... which, in the context of this place, includes

'Doing for the addict what they can and should do for themselves'

I'm guessing that your other half was able to get their own drinks and so you enabled her.

'Enabling' can be a description not (necessarily just) an indictment, as far as I'm concerned

Take it easy

sage1969

JTLor3, thank you for sharing and for attempting this a language not your native language. Both of these steps take some courage. That you are here and interacting means that on some level you are attempting to find meaning in your experiences.

It can be sometimes upsetting to encounter the feelings of shame, regret, sadness, and / or guilt surrounding our relationships with people who have active addictions.

One thing I have come to realise: if I feel "triggered" by something, feel shame or regret or embarrassment or pain or whatever other difficult emotion, this is my signal to dig deeper into myself / my experiences, and figure out why it is such a problem. Sometimes it takes some time, and sometimes an outside perspective, like this SR group, for me to understand why I've been "triggered."