Am I overreacting?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2021
Posts: 1
Am I overreacting?
Well…I never thought I would be posting on one of these forums but I am out of places to turn. This is probably going to seem like a bunch of rambling so please bear with me…
My father was an alcoholic. He and my mother divorced and she worked a full time job. I have a younger brother. When we were with my mom and she was at work, we had a babysitter who slept nearly the entire day, leaving me to care for my little brother. When we were at my dads, he would be out drinking somewhere or passed out on the couch, leaving me to care for my little brother. Needless to say, I grew up fast.
My mother remarried and we moved away. My father went eventually to rehab when I was in high school. He called to tell me, and asked if I would be willing to come to a family therapy session as part of his program. I was elated. There was so much that I wanted - needed - to say. My dad finished rehab and I wasn’t given the opportunity to say those things. Years later, when going through my own life crisis, I wrote my father a letter telling him all of the ways his alcoholism affected my life. It was incredibly therapeutic for me. Unfortunately, my father died a few years later (at the age of 49) and we never really had a chance to fully rebuild our relationship.
I have been married to my husband for 5 years, together for 8. I don’t remember him having a big problem with drinking when we were dating. He would get drunk sometimes, but I have always been very honest with him - I hate when he drinks. I truly have a problem with drunk men. I’m sure it stems back to my daddy issues, and no matter what I do, I just can’t help it. When my husband is drunk I get so, so angry and anxious. On our wedding night, he got so drunk that he passed out and I cried myself to sleep. On our honeymoon the following week, he got so drunk that he spilled and entire glass of wine on me at dinner and then wet the bed.
It all came to a head a couple of years ago. He was arrested for public intox after he got into an argument with his Uber driver, became combative, and tried to get out of the car and walk home. I have never felt more angry, upset, and helpless as I did that night. We had a talk the next morning, and he agreed that he could no longer drink.
but that’s never really where the story ends, is it?
Then came the second incident, where he was so drunk he ran away from his friends house and no one could find him. I was out of town and when I finally got ahold of him on video chat, he laughed at me for crying. Again, the following day, he apologized and said no more drinking.
Then it was only one or two drinks.
Then it was only drinking on the weekend.
Then it was only drinking when not in public.
Then it was back to drinking occasionally but no hard alcohol.
One night, after a night of drinking, I had to be the “bitchy wife” and drag him home. On the car ride home, we got into an argument and he screamed at me in a way he has NEVER spoken to me before. I was scared of him. At home, he started sobbing. I consoled him (while flaming mad) but eventually locked him out of the bedroom and he slept it off on the couch. The next morning he apologized and said no more drinking.
well, here we are. He’s drinking again, but it’s just every so often. If we go out to dinner, he may have a glass of wine. He may go get a beer with a friend or have one after a softball game with the guys. But of the last 4 weekends, he’s gotten drunk at least 3 of the 4. He’s not mean. He’s just drunk and stupid, and it makes me fume. I don’t know what to do.
Does he have a problem?
Is it just me? Am I just being overly sensitive about his drinking because of my father’s alcoholism?
He literally just walked in the door **** drunk.
he knows it upsets me but he also knows my past. I don’t want to be the “bitchy wife” who never lets him have any fun but I also don’t want to get mad or upset or have a rush if anxiety every time he has a drink.
help.
My father was an alcoholic. He and my mother divorced and she worked a full time job. I have a younger brother. When we were with my mom and she was at work, we had a babysitter who slept nearly the entire day, leaving me to care for my little brother. When we were at my dads, he would be out drinking somewhere or passed out on the couch, leaving me to care for my little brother. Needless to say, I grew up fast.
My mother remarried and we moved away. My father went eventually to rehab when I was in high school. He called to tell me, and asked if I would be willing to come to a family therapy session as part of his program. I was elated. There was so much that I wanted - needed - to say. My dad finished rehab and I wasn’t given the opportunity to say those things. Years later, when going through my own life crisis, I wrote my father a letter telling him all of the ways his alcoholism affected my life. It was incredibly therapeutic for me. Unfortunately, my father died a few years later (at the age of 49) and we never really had a chance to fully rebuild our relationship.
I have been married to my husband for 5 years, together for 8. I don’t remember him having a big problem with drinking when we were dating. He would get drunk sometimes, but I have always been very honest with him - I hate when he drinks. I truly have a problem with drunk men. I’m sure it stems back to my daddy issues, and no matter what I do, I just can’t help it. When my husband is drunk I get so, so angry and anxious. On our wedding night, he got so drunk that he passed out and I cried myself to sleep. On our honeymoon the following week, he got so drunk that he spilled and entire glass of wine on me at dinner and then wet the bed.
It all came to a head a couple of years ago. He was arrested for public intox after he got into an argument with his Uber driver, became combative, and tried to get out of the car and walk home. I have never felt more angry, upset, and helpless as I did that night. We had a talk the next morning, and he agreed that he could no longer drink.
but that’s never really where the story ends, is it?
Then came the second incident, where he was so drunk he ran away from his friends house and no one could find him. I was out of town and when I finally got ahold of him on video chat, he laughed at me for crying. Again, the following day, he apologized and said no more drinking.
Then it was only one or two drinks.
Then it was only drinking on the weekend.
Then it was only drinking when not in public.
Then it was back to drinking occasionally but no hard alcohol.
One night, after a night of drinking, I had to be the “bitchy wife” and drag him home. On the car ride home, we got into an argument and he screamed at me in a way he has NEVER spoken to me before. I was scared of him. At home, he started sobbing. I consoled him (while flaming mad) but eventually locked him out of the bedroom and he slept it off on the couch. The next morning he apologized and said no more drinking.
well, here we are. He’s drinking again, but it’s just every so often. If we go out to dinner, he may have a glass of wine. He may go get a beer with a friend or have one after a softball game with the guys. But of the last 4 weekends, he’s gotten drunk at least 3 of the 4. He’s not mean. He’s just drunk and stupid, and it makes me fume. I don’t know what to do.
Does he have a problem?
Is it just me? Am I just being overly sensitive about his drinking because of my father’s alcoholism?
He literally just walked in the door **** drunk.
he knows it upsets me but he also knows my past. I don’t want to be the “bitchy wife” who never lets him have any fun but I also don’t want to get mad or upset or have a rush if anxiety every time he has a drink.
help.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Hellpless.....I don't think you are overreacting, at all. In fact, to me, it seems that you seem to have a very high tolerance for bad behavior. I would guess that your childhood years may have normalized that kind of behaviors for you?
It seems that you have been tolerating behavior, from even before marriage, that lots of normies would have walked out the door on.
It seems that you have been tolerating behavior, from even before marriage, that lots of normies would have walked out the door on.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi and Welcome HelplessInTN 
I personally don't think you're over reacting.
That's not normal drinking or normal behaviour.
Most people - normal drinking people - would think about quitting drinking with only one of those horrible scenarios let alone 3 or more.
The good thing is you've found a place of support help and understanding. I think you're right to be concerned - but you're not alone
D
I personally don't think you're over reacting.
That's not normal drinking or normal behaviour.
Most people - normal drinking people - would think about quitting drinking with only one of those horrible scenarios let alone 3 or more.
The good thing is you've found a place of support help and understanding. I think you're right to be concerned - but you're not alone
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
hi helpless. My Father was also an alcoholic. I don't think you are overreacting either.
You are being treated badly and not being taken in to account by your partner. That's not good for you and it's also not good for any relationship. If you think about it and say you had a friend you invited over for a BBQ every other weekend and they showed up drunk, how long would that friendship last? How many more invitations to come over and disrupt your life and make you anxious and worried? If you didn't invite them anymore, would you be overreacting?
Sometimes and this certainly might be true for you, when you grow up with the dysfunction of alcoholism (and also in your case neglect) you build defenses, it's a coping mechanism and it serves its purpose at the time. Thing is, as an adult, you are already accustomed to having to cope, to being used to less than stellar behaviour, to seeing those around you cope with what most people would run from.
It becomes your normal. I also think though, as an adult, because you now have control you didn't as a child, you can step back and bit and say, hang on, wth is this and why am I putting up with it?
Your Husband will quit drinking the moment he decides to and not a moment before. That's how addiction works. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's) which I'm thinking, from what you have written you are already well aware of.
He says words but there are no actions to back them up, so they are just words.
What do you want for yourself?
You are being treated badly and not being taken in to account by your partner. That's not good for you and it's also not good for any relationship. If you think about it and say you had a friend you invited over for a BBQ every other weekend and they showed up drunk, how long would that friendship last? How many more invitations to come over and disrupt your life and make you anxious and worried? If you didn't invite them anymore, would you be overreacting?
Sometimes and this certainly might be true for you, when you grow up with the dysfunction of alcoholism (and also in your case neglect) you build defenses, it's a coping mechanism and it serves its purpose at the time. Thing is, as an adult, you are already accustomed to having to cope, to being used to less than stellar behaviour, to seeing those around you cope with what most people would run from.
It becomes your normal. I also think though, as an adult, because you now have control you didn't as a child, you can step back and bit and say, hang on, wth is this and why am I putting up with it?
Your Husband will quit drinking the moment he decides to and not a moment before. That's how addiction works. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's) which I'm thinking, from what you have written you are already well aware of.
He says words but there are no actions to back them up, so they are just words.
What do you want for yourself?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Welcome, sorry for what brings you here.
I also grew up in an alcoholic home. We grew up seeing a distorted view of how things are meant to be so we don't recognise it as being unhealthy when we pick partners.
I encourage you to do whatever is best for your health and wellbeing.
I also grew up in an alcoholic home. We grew up seeing a distorted view of how things are meant to be so we don't recognise it as being unhealthy when we pick partners.
I encourage you to do whatever is best for your health and wellbeing.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
Hello helplessYou're not over reacting. I hear your frustration with the men in your life (your husband and father) who don't follow through on their words. In your father's case, the family therapy that never happened and your husband's empty promises to stop drinking.
these constant disappointments only add to your sadness. I'm sorry to hear you didn't get the chance to rebuild your relationship with your dad.
Try to focus on your husband's actions rather than his words. It may help you to find some clarity. It's easier for him to blame the bitchy wife than to look at his own behaviour.
Have you been to al-anon? I know for me and many here it has been a life saver. There are many meetings on line now if you don't have one in your area.
these constant disappointments only add to your sadness. I'm sorry to hear you didn't get the chance to rebuild your relationship with your dad.
Try to focus on your husband's actions rather than his words. It may help you to find some clarity. It's easier for him to blame the bitchy wife than to look at his own behaviour.
Have you been to al-anon? I know for me and many here it has been a life saver. There are many meetings on line now if you don't have one in your area.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
In my opinion, the only thing this has to do with your past is that you grew up experiencing a certain amount of chronic intoxication as normal. It isn't.
There's another recent thread about lying and alcoholism; addicts are accomplished liars. They lie all the time, to themselves. "It's not that bad if I still have a job [haven't had an OUI, my spouse hasn't thrown me out, I don't have any medical problems] -- I don't drink any more than my buddies -- I can learn to drink like a normal person so I don't have to give up my precious drug forever"
My Late AH had been put on probation at his job, though, and didn't tell me for months, I considering leaving, and he DID have medical fallout from drinking but avoided thinking about it by simply not going in for a physical. He had isolated himself from virtually everyone except me (and I was unreasonable) but social addicts often hang out with other addicts, and rationalize their use as recreational.
One doesn't have to have an alcoholic parent to have a problem with drunk men. I would give up hanging around anyone who was drunk a lot of the time, because I don't find that entertaining or fun. And I don't have a problem with alcohol or drinking, I enjoy a glass of wine at the end of the day, or a cocktail with dinner out. The challenge is you 'hate it when he drinks,' and you continued to date and marry him. He can claim, correctly, that you've changed. So be it, you have. Now this behavior is unacceptable - to you. He can't be forced to change into a new person, even if it would save his marriage and improve his health. It's time for you to take a hard look at what YOU want. This is the person he is today. You have zero control over him. You have control over yourself.
There's another recent thread about lying and alcoholism; addicts are accomplished liars. They lie all the time, to themselves. "It's not that bad if I still have a job [haven't had an OUI, my spouse hasn't thrown me out, I don't have any medical problems] -- I don't drink any more than my buddies -- I can learn to drink like a normal person so I don't have to give up my precious drug forever"
My Late AH had been put on probation at his job, though, and didn't tell me for months, I considering leaving, and he DID have medical fallout from drinking but avoided thinking about it by simply not going in for a physical. He had isolated himself from virtually everyone except me (and I was unreasonable) but social addicts often hang out with other addicts, and rationalize their use as recreational.
One doesn't have to have an alcoholic parent to have a problem with drunk men. I would give up hanging around anyone who was drunk a lot of the time, because I don't find that entertaining or fun. And I don't have a problem with alcohol or drinking, I enjoy a glass of wine at the end of the day, or a cocktail with dinner out. The challenge is you 'hate it when he drinks,' and you continued to date and marry him. He can claim, correctly, that you've changed. So be it, you have. Now this behavior is unacceptable - to you. He can't be forced to change into a new person, even if it would save his marriage and improve his health. It's time for you to take a hard look at what YOU want. This is the person he is today. You have zero control over him. You have control over yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
HelplessinTN, I am sorry you are experiencing anxiety and anger with your spouse. I remember the feeling all to well.
My father was also an alcoholic, my mother a codependent. I THOUGHT I did a good job of avoiding the the trap of marrying a man like my father, I was wrong. My first husband was an alcoholic and I lived in that chaos for 20+years. We tend to repeat what we know, even when we know it isn't good for us. I understand what you are going through.
The thing is, whether or not your husband has a problem with alcohol, YOU DO have a problem with his drinking habits. That is a very valid feeling. Please do not try and rationalize it or minimalize it away. It won't work, those feelings will fester and your anxiety will get worse. I know it because I lived it. My anxiety grew to the point of severe panic attacks and needing medication... him knowing all that and even being apologetic about it, didn't stop my AXH from continuing to drink away his health and mine too. The cycle stopped when I decided to stop accepting unacceptable behavior. Learning how to respect myself enough to erect and maintain boundaries for myself and only being responsible for my own actions/inactions was crucial. It didn't cure my anxiety but it did alleviate some of it.
Try as we might, we can not love them better. I loved my first husband very much, but nothing I ever did, said, screamed, cried, whispered, manipulated etc ever worked to get him healthy. That's an inside job and they have to want to do the real hard work of getting to the crux of it. Unfortunately few do.
Your feelings matter, whatever they are, about any given topic. Your instincts are trying to tell you things, please listen to them.
There is a book called "Codependent No More", by Melody Beattie, you don't have to identify as codependent to get a lot of solid perspective from it. It's an easy read and was very eye opening to me and many others around here. I hope you will consider getting yourself a copy.
Hang in there, we know how exhausting this stuff is. *hugs*
P.S. To answer your question; No, you are NOT overreacting!
My father was also an alcoholic, my mother a codependent. I THOUGHT I did a good job of avoiding the the trap of marrying a man like my father, I was wrong. My first husband was an alcoholic and I lived in that chaos for 20+years. We tend to repeat what we know, even when we know it isn't good for us. I understand what you are going through.
The thing is, whether or not your husband has a problem with alcohol, YOU DO have a problem with his drinking habits. That is a very valid feeling. Please do not try and rationalize it or minimalize it away. It won't work, those feelings will fester and your anxiety will get worse. I know it because I lived it. My anxiety grew to the point of severe panic attacks and needing medication... him knowing all that and even being apologetic about it, didn't stop my AXH from continuing to drink away his health and mine too. The cycle stopped when I decided to stop accepting unacceptable behavior. Learning how to respect myself enough to erect and maintain boundaries for myself and only being responsible for my own actions/inactions was crucial. It didn't cure my anxiety but it did alleviate some of it.
Try as we might, we can not love them better. I loved my first husband very much, but nothing I ever did, said, screamed, cried, whispered, manipulated etc ever worked to get him healthy. That's an inside job and they have to want to do the real hard work of getting to the crux of it. Unfortunately few do.
Your feelings matter, whatever they are, about any given topic. Your instincts are trying to tell you things, please listen to them.
There is a book called "Codependent No More", by Melody Beattie, you don't have to identify as codependent to get a lot of solid perspective from it. It's an easy read and was very eye opening to me and many others around here. I hope you will consider getting yourself a copy.
Hang in there, we know how exhausting this stuff is. *hugs*
P.S. To answer your question; No, you are NOT overreacting!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear TN
First of all, your post was not rambling at all. It was easy to read and very clear.
I do not fit the profile of your husband, but I quit drinking after I had lost everything. My life had gotten so bad, I just wanted to die.
I came to hate alcohol because it had contributed to everything getting taken from me that I had ever worked for.
I hope and pray your husband gets to a place of desperation too.
God bless!!!
First of all, your post was not rambling at all. It was easy to read and very clear.
I do not fit the profile of your husband, but I quit drinking after I had lost everything. My life had gotten so bad, I just wanted to die.
I came to hate alcohol because it had contributed to everything getting taken from me that I had ever worked for.
I hope and pray your husband gets to a place of desperation too.
God bless!!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
but that’s never really where the story ends, is it?
Something that I was told, and that seems so obvious when you think about it, is to imagine that a friend is telling me about these events. Would I tell her that she is overreacting? In this situation, no, definitely not. So if I have no problem with seeing that someone else shouldn't accept the behavior, why should I find it acceptable myself?
It's a long and winding road to find your way out of a situation like this, and all of us here are at various points on that path. The one thing I can tell you for sure is that if you don't start, you'll never make progress, so give yourself a pat on the back for being brave enough to come here and start that journey.
I see that "Codependent No More" has already been recommended to you. I'd like to add that you can learn a lot by reading around the forums, and also to mention that looking for some f2f support in a local Alanon group might be useful too.
Hope to hear more from you in the days to come.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: Western Canada
Posts: 51
Hi Helpless,
No you are not over reacting! I've been living 29 years with my AH, tolerating very bad behaviour and thinking too, that I was over reacting and if I could just change and be more understanding and accepting, we could be happy together. I now realize that he fostered that thinking by telling me I was a nag, and I was high maintenance, etc. And "our" friends (his friends, really) also reinforced that I was over reacting, because they think he's such a great guy! They don't have to live with him though.
I'm trying to leave, I have a plan and I'm almost there - I have a car now, and money saved, just still looking for a place to live and then I'm out of here. I wish I would have left years ago. Staying too long has reinforced the trauma bonding, and it's so hard to break free of that.
Sending you hugs and strength
No you are not over reacting! I've been living 29 years with my AH, tolerating very bad behaviour and thinking too, that I was over reacting and if I could just change and be more understanding and accepting, we could be happy together. I now realize that he fostered that thinking by telling me I was a nag, and I was high maintenance, etc. And "our" friends (his friends, really) also reinforced that I was over reacting, because they think he's such a great guy! They don't have to live with him though.
I'm trying to leave, I have a plan and I'm almost there - I have a car now, and money saved, just still looking for a place to live and then I'm out of here. I wish I would have left years ago. Staying too long has reinforced the trauma bonding, and it's so hard to break free of that.
Sending you hugs and strength
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
No! You are NOT over reacting at all. His drinking/behavior is a huge reason for concern. Getting so drunk he wet the bed on his wedding night?? 
Not a very auspicious start to a marriage. 
I hope you can set some boundaries of what you will and will not tolerate from him. Please take good care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
"Am I overreacting"
Not
At
All
And the only reason you are asking that question is because you grew up in
a dysfunctional alcoholic home and haven't yet been educated in the ramifications
of that kind of childhood - how it affects your thinking, your beliefs, your self-
compassion and being able to understand your own needs and feelings, and
your decisions. We don't know "normal" when we grow up in dysfunction.
But you are so very fortunate to have a wealth of information at your finger-
tips and the wisdom shared by people who do understand on this site. Keep
learning and you will understand.
Not
At
All
And the only reason you are asking that question is because you grew up in
a dysfunctional alcoholic home and haven't yet been educated in the ramifications
of that kind of childhood - how it affects your thinking, your beliefs, your self-
compassion and being able to understand your own needs and feelings, and
your decisions. We don't know "normal" when we grow up in dysfunction.
But you are so very fortunate to have a wealth of information at your finger-
tips and the wisdom shared by people who do understand on this site. Keep
learning and you will understand.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
