Playing It Forward
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Playing It Forward
I read in this forum (the Friends and Family Forum) as well as in the Alcoholism forum so I can better understand what I was and what I am dealing with in terms of my AXBF. I obviously tremendously benefit from all of the encouragement and support and gentle advice shared within this Forum and I am so grateful for that.
It's funny that the sharing in the Alcoholism Forum by strong-in-their-recovery alcoholics is helpful to me, too, even though I don't drink. For example, I've noticed that the strong-in-their-recovery folks always say that when an urge to drink comes up -- they say to play it forward to remember what will happen. So you will take that first drink, then you will all-out binge, then you will wake up and feel really bad, and really anxious, and really shameful, and then you will be dealing with hurt family members and friends, and all of the other upheaval and drama and everything else that goes with it, and then just when that dies down, you will then take another drink and then the whole cycle will start anew. And the senior folks frequently explain that if you can "play it forward" when you feel an urge to drink, you can maybe use that to help you not take that drink.
I've started applying that advice to my co-dependent self, too. For example, whenever I want to call, email, or text my AXBF, because I just miss him so much, I try to play it forward. What will happen if I call him? What will happen if I text him? What will happen is that he will respond immediately, he will be so sweet and charming, we will talk for awhile, it will feel so good to hear his voice and/or to see his words, I will miss him so much, and then we will make plans to see each other, and then I will anticipate those plans so very much, and then I will get all ready, and then ... he will not show. He will not show or call or text because he will have chosen to drink instead. Then I will cry into my pillow all night, perhaps all weekend, perhaps half the week. I will feel sad, hurt, worthless, ashamed, embarrassed, and humiliated. He will ignore me for about four to five days, and then he will contact me as if nothing happened. When he pretends nothing happened, I then get confused about what actually happened and then I discount/underestimate/de-value my feelings. Maybe I did something wrong? Maybe I'm not worthy of a date? Maybe I'm not smart/pretty/good enough? And so on.
I know "no contact" is hard. It kills me. It literally does. Some days (most days, let's be honest here) I miss my AXBF so much that it hurts. If I close my eyes, I can still see his sweet smile and his beautiful face and it brings tears to my eyes just thinking of him. But if I play it forward, the "rock bottom"/extreme pain of the sure-to-happen cycle is so much worse than the steady, gentle sadness I carry with me now. On a scale of "1" to "5," where "1" is how devastated I feel after he he blows me off and "5" is how I feel on a great day, I know that if I communicate with him, I will be at a "1" within 24-48-72 hours. Guaranteed. Period. Like death and taxes -- that is how I will feel. And I will be stuck there for a good week. I will feel hurt, used, and worthless. But if I don't contact him, I will stay at my current "2" to "3." But then I can go on a run with my dog or see a friend or do a good job at work that day and I might even see an occasional "4."
Anyway, if there is anyone here who is struggling with the rinse-and-repeat cycle of co-dependency, maybe remember the "playing it forward" tip. It helps me so much.
Someone on this forum said something once that has been so helpful to me. That person asked: "How do you feel after engaging with him? Do you feel content and secure and peaceful? Or do you feel extreme longing, anxious, stressed, and worried? Do you feel better, or do you feel worse? If the latter, do not engage." This question forces me to focus on how I actually felt after engaging with him rather than how I hoped I would feel after engaging with him. By the end of every episode or cycle, I'd feel worse. I'd feel anxious, stressed, and worried. Near the end, I never felt better. Only worse. And when I think of it like that, it helps me stay detached. I do not deserve to feel worse any more.
It's funny that the sharing in the Alcoholism Forum by strong-in-their-recovery alcoholics is helpful to me, too, even though I don't drink. For example, I've noticed that the strong-in-their-recovery folks always say that when an urge to drink comes up -- they say to play it forward to remember what will happen. So you will take that first drink, then you will all-out binge, then you will wake up and feel really bad, and really anxious, and really shameful, and then you will be dealing with hurt family members and friends, and all of the other upheaval and drama and everything else that goes with it, and then just when that dies down, you will then take another drink and then the whole cycle will start anew. And the senior folks frequently explain that if you can "play it forward" when you feel an urge to drink, you can maybe use that to help you not take that drink.
I've started applying that advice to my co-dependent self, too. For example, whenever I want to call, email, or text my AXBF, because I just miss him so much, I try to play it forward. What will happen if I call him? What will happen if I text him? What will happen is that he will respond immediately, he will be so sweet and charming, we will talk for awhile, it will feel so good to hear his voice and/or to see his words, I will miss him so much, and then we will make plans to see each other, and then I will anticipate those plans so very much, and then I will get all ready, and then ... he will not show. He will not show or call or text because he will have chosen to drink instead. Then I will cry into my pillow all night, perhaps all weekend, perhaps half the week. I will feel sad, hurt, worthless, ashamed, embarrassed, and humiliated. He will ignore me for about four to five days, and then he will contact me as if nothing happened. When he pretends nothing happened, I then get confused about what actually happened and then I discount/underestimate/de-value my feelings. Maybe I did something wrong? Maybe I'm not worthy of a date? Maybe I'm not smart/pretty/good enough? And so on.
I know "no contact" is hard. It kills me. It literally does. Some days (most days, let's be honest here) I miss my AXBF so much that it hurts. If I close my eyes, I can still see his sweet smile and his beautiful face and it brings tears to my eyes just thinking of him. But if I play it forward, the "rock bottom"/extreme pain of the sure-to-happen cycle is so much worse than the steady, gentle sadness I carry with me now. On a scale of "1" to "5," where "1" is how devastated I feel after he he blows me off and "5" is how I feel on a great day, I know that if I communicate with him, I will be at a "1" within 24-48-72 hours. Guaranteed. Period. Like death and taxes -- that is how I will feel. And I will be stuck there for a good week. I will feel hurt, used, and worthless. But if I don't contact him, I will stay at my current "2" to "3." But then I can go on a run with my dog or see a friend or do a good job at work that day and I might even see an occasional "4."
Anyway, if there is anyone here who is struggling with the rinse-and-repeat cycle of co-dependency, maybe remember the "playing it forward" tip. It helps me so much.
Someone on this forum said something once that has been so helpful to me. That person asked: "How do you feel after engaging with him? Do you feel content and secure and peaceful? Or do you feel extreme longing, anxious, stressed, and worried? Do you feel better, or do you feel worse? If the latter, do not engage." This question forces me to focus on how I actually felt after engaging with him rather than how I hoped I would feel after engaging with him. By the end of every episode or cycle, I'd feel worse. I'd feel anxious, stressed, and worried. Near the end, I never felt better. Only worse. And when I think of it like that, it helps me stay detached. I do not deserve to feel worse any more.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Very nicely put OKRunner
Another thing from the recovery forum is "riding the wave" when the thought of having that drink comes. Some people in recovery think of it like a wave, you ride it and eventually it gets smaller and weaker and you are ok.
Being in no contact is much the same. The urge to contact, that overwhelming feeling, you can ride that out, it will pass, it will diminish. Having tools like this is really a good idea and I'm glad you brought this up.
Another thing from the recovery forum is "riding the wave" when the thought of having that drink comes. Some people in recovery think of it like a wave, you ride it and eventually it gets smaller and weaker and you are ok.
Being in no contact is much the same. The urge to contact, that overwhelming feeling, you can ride that out, it will pass, it will diminish. Having tools like this is really a good idea and I'm glad you brought this up.
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Join Date: Oct 2020
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AriesAgain, thank you for saying that. I honestly can't even see a "5" day right now and even a "4" is a huge stretch, but I'm going on faith, encouraged by people like you. I have no other choice. My choices right now are: (1) going back to the known/for sure "1"; or (2) having faith in people like you. I have to do the latter. The former will honestly kill me.
Trailmix, I love the riding the wave analogy. It's a great one and I need to remember it. Just let the urge pass. I have lots of things I can do to help it pass. Go on a run, work on my house, work on a paper, etc. Thanks again for reminding me of this tool.
Comewhatmay, thank you for all your support.
Trailmix, I love the riding the wave analogy. It's a great one and I need to remember it. Just let the urge pass. I have lots of things I can do to help it pass. Go on a run, work on my house, work on a paper, etc. Thanks again for reminding me of this tool.
Comewhatmay, thank you for all your support.
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If you want to know how contacts go after detaching from from our addicts read my various threads in F&F Substance Abuse .
I didnt post about all of the contacts but I think most of them are there. It spanned years 2017 to 2020. What I wrote back then is accurate & I was given a lot of good advice. The last I heard from her was January 2020 which I did post about on here. As far as I know, even today she is still just running wild.
Maybe by reading my story you could spare yourself from severe mental torment, pain & agony etc.
During a weak moment before you reach for that phone think of - Tom Petty song - " you can stand me up at the gates of hell but I wont back down".
If you want to know how contacts go after detaching from from our addicts read my various threads in F&F Substance Abuse .
I didnt post about all of the contacts but I think most of them are there. It spanned years 2017 to 2020. What I wrote back then is accurate & I was given a lot of good advice. The last I heard from her was January 2020 which I did post about on here. As far as I know, even today she is still just running wild.
Maybe by reading my story you could spare yourself from severe mental torment, pain & agony etc.
During a weak moment before you reach for that phone think of - Tom Petty song - " you can stand me up at the gates of hell but I wont back down".
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OKRunner, I can honestly tell you all these years later what I regret isn’t that I didn’t stay, it’s that I waited so long to leave.
Every day is one step closer to a future with this far behind you. You can do this.
Every day is one step closer to a future with this far behind you. You can do this.
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HardLessons.....thanks for that song reminder! Good mesage.
https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q...tail&FORM=VIRE
https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q...tail&FORM=VIRE
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HardLessons, I will do anything to spare myself additional torment, pain, and agony. Thank you. I'll read. P.S. if you only knew how much I love Tom Petty. I ran to Tom Petty this morning. I painted to Tom Petty this afternoon. Last year I gave a talk at the University of Florida and I drove by his childhood home in Gainesville. Thank you.
AriesAgain, thank you. That's so helpful. Thank you.
AriesAgain, thank you. That's so helpful. Thank you.
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HardLessons, okay, I just went back and read your F&F Substance Abuse threads. Wow. So there are a lot of similarities. First, I too have a good job and no kids so there is a large hole in my heart and I think that's how I got in this situation in the first place. I also rescue abandoned dogs and renovate neglected homes to fill that hole. Same concept. Second, you will giggle, but my last text to him was on Christmas (except I was worse than you, I initiated it, at least your ex/her daughter initiated the Christmas text in your case). I wished him a Merry Christmas. I got a drunk/nonsensical response back. Lesson learned. No more sad texting on lonely holidays. Sigh. It's so hard. Thank you again for helping to spare me additional torment and pain.
Second, you will giggle, but my last text to him was on Christmas (except I was worse than you, I initiated it, at least your ex/her daughter initiated the Christmas text in your case). I wished him a Merry Christmas. I got a drunk/nonsensical response back. Lesson learned. No more sad texting on lonely holidays. Sigh. It's so hard. Thank you again for helping to spare me additional torment and pain.
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From time to time, I honestly do think of that Tom Petty song for my own benefit. Its ironic that I mentioned it above & you are a big Tom Petty fan. I wasnt sure if you would even know who Tom Petty is.
I know its hard. I know weak moments come where we forget all the great advice we are given & just want to reach for the phone. The last time I did it was summer of 2018. I was going home from work sitting in heavy traffic. I texted her out of the blue. It started up a whole big thing that maybe went on for a week. It also ended up being the last time I saw her in person. None of it was good & I should not have contacted her. Ive never done it since & wont.
Dont get mad but I did laugh when I read the paragraph in your above opening post where you said going no contact kills you but then you had it all broken down in great detail by the pain index. You certainly have it all thought out.
I am fortunate she has left me alone since January 2020. I told her "No" back then & I guarantee you she didnt like it. She went totally silent right after I said no. That immediate silence was pure punishment from her. I havent heard from her since.
If you read my threads & story here on SR maybe it will give you some hope for yourself. Hope that you can live / survive without him in your life. Hope that you will get through birthdays, holidays, & whatever other special occasions without him in your life. Hope that if HL can do it & survive, you can do it too. I was in a very dark place back in June 2017.
I went through a lot with my addict. Many years worth. After all of it, you know what is left now - nothing! Probably more accurate less than nothing.
Im going to read your first thread from back in Oct 2020.
From time to time, I honestly do think of that Tom Petty song for my own benefit. Its ironic that I mentioned it above & you are a big Tom Petty fan. I wasnt sure if you would even know who Tom Petty is.
I know its hard. I know weak moments come where we forget all the great advice we are given & just want to reach for the phone. The last time I did it was summer of 2018. I was going home from work sitting in heavy traffic. I texted her out of the blue. It started up a whole big thing that maybe went on for a week. It also ended up being the last time I saw her in person. None of it was good & I should not have contacted her. Ive never done it since & wont.
Dont get mad but I did laugh when I read the paragraph in your above opening post where you said going no contact kills you but then you had it all broken down in great detail by the pain index. You certainly have it all thought out.
I am fortunate she has left me alone since January 2020. I told her "No" back then & I guarantee you she didnt like it. She went totally silent right after I said no. That immediate silence was pure punishment from her. I havent heard from her since.
If you read my threads & story here on SR maybe it will give you some hope for yourself. Hope that you can live / survive without him in your life. Hope that you will get through birthdays, holidays, & whatever other special occasions without him in your life. Hope that if HL can do it & survive, you can do it too. I was in a very dark place back in June 2017.
I went through a lot with my addict. Many years worth. After all of it, you know what is left now - nothing! Probably more accurate less than nothing.
Im going to read your first thread from back in Oct 2020.
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Dear HardLessons, thank you so much for sharing all of this. It's funny -- they don't like hearing "no," do they? I'm so sorry for all that you've been through. My heart goes out to anyone that has been through this.
I think the hardest thing in all of this is I feel so alone because I feel like I've been so ... just naive. But I keep reminding myself that others have gone through this too, I'm not alone, I'm not the only one who fell for this, and most importantly I can learn from this and never let it happen again. From now on, I'm going to stick to rescuing dogs and homes (but I'm going to pass on trying to rescue another person)! Thanks again for sharing your story and for letting us all know that we can live, survive, and hopefully thrive without an addict.
I think the hardest thing in all of this is I feel so alone because I feel like I've been so ... just naive. But I keep reminding myself that others have gone through this too, I'm not alone, I'm not the only one who fell for this, and most importantly I can learn from this and never let it happen again. From now on, I'm going to stick to rescuing dogs and homes (but I'm going to pass on trying to rescue another person)! Thanks again for sharing your story and for letting us all know that we can live, survive, and hopefully thrive without an addict.
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Thanks for calling me dear.
Yes I think its fair to say at one time we were all naïve. I know I was. Yes everyone who has posted their story here on SR F & F have gone through this. So your definitely not alone. There are countless stories posted.
Regardless of how it came about, you ended up on the right side of the street (so to speak). Hopefully, even though it isnt easy, you find the strength to stay there.
BTW your pain index analysis is correct.
Thanks for calling me dear.
Yes I think its fair to say at one time we were all naïve. I know I was. Yes everyone who has posted their story here on SR F & F have gone through this. So your definitely not alone. There are countless stories posted.
Regardless of how it came about, you ended up on the right side of the street (so to speak). Hopefully, even though it isnt easy, you find the strength to stay there.
BTW your pain index analysis is correct.
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