masha2688

Was I dating an alcoholic the whole time? Or was this my own fault?

I’d been seeing a guy for 10 months and for the most part it was a great dynamic. We were exclusive but casual (both early 30s and I’m two years out of a divorce, not looking for marriage + kids any time soon), got along well intellectually and physically. Didn’t talk feelings often but that was okay because he admitted it was hard for him and I didn’t need to because I always felt well-treated and was happy with our dates and the way we spent time together as long as we weren’t sleeping with other people.

I had just come off a year sober (social drinker detoxing post divorce) and got back into it when we started dating. I noticed he drank more than me but I never judged. He also smoked a ton of weed (Colorado), and did shrooms and acid once in a while (ok I’m starting to think there were signs). But he always treated me super well and was always sweet-tempered and kind. No petty fights or yelling *ever*.

After we were apart over the holidays for about seven weeks we reunited and our drinking increased. He’d been home, his mother is an alcoholic, and he said he’d been drinking a little much during that time (enough that he’d gained weight). We were suddenly splitting at least 3 bottles of wine a night when we were together (he drank most of it) and he would drink that and more on nights apart. I didn’t think much of it because his temperament never once changed. He was always kind and sweet and treated me well, and while I didn’t love the amount of booze, I thought all I could do was focus on myself. He seemed to have a handle on things.

We only fought three times over the whole 10 months. It was all after the holidays and we were drunk every time. It would go something like he would pull me closer by introducing me to more of his friends, and then ask where we were at in our relationship and try to push me away saying he wasn’t interested in commitment. We’d fight and then (I thought) get on the same exclusive-but-see-where-it-goes page.

Long story short, in February he bought a one-way ticket to Mexico for May, quit his corporate job, and decided to travel for two months and run down his savings AND cash out his 401k to make it happen. Before he left we had a long talk about not sabotaging a good thing, that two months wasn’t that long a time, and that we would see where the relationship went. Four weeks in, he calls me to say that he realized he doesn’t love me and kissed someone else.

I was half shocked and half not. To me it just seemed like a success at last in a string of attempted sabotages that left me confused because I definitely felt loved in the relationship even if we didn’t verbalize it all the time. Maybe I’m just in denial. But he confessed even in that breakup conversation that he’s just been drinking more than he wants to (surprise), and kissed someone drunk (surprise).

So he ran down his retirement fund to drink in Mexico and destroyed a good relationship. Maybe I’m being naive. I hadn’t even thought to factor in the booze (I was just blaming myself for being inadequate somehow) until a recovered alcoholic friend suggested it, and also told me the drinking is going to get worse for my now-ex before it gets better unless he wants to get better himself.

This ex also got kicked off a plane for being drunk last month. I should’ve seen the signs. No job, running down his last money to party abroad, plans to bartend when he gets back and pursue something creative (which he was going to work on in Mexico but instead has just spent that time drinking according to his own self), and kicked me to the curb.

Weirdly, I didn’t cry when he broke up with me saying things (that now seem designed to inflict maximum pain) like “I’ve been in love before and this isn’t it” and “what I feel for you is one level beneath love.” I actually asked if he wanted to stay friends and brought up his drinking for the first and only time and offered my support. He didn’t get angry and said it’s the first time anyone has been so open with him about it. It was strange to offer him friendship, even as my heart was breaking. Was it the right thing to do? I don’t have any interest in romance anymore, I recognize he’s got stuff that only he can figure out.

So I guess I’m just looking for some reassurance. Was I dating an alcoholic the whole time? Am I wrong to blame the alcohol here? Did I just choose to ignore all the warning signs until he said he didn’t love me? Is the best thing to just let it go?

Macyc

Alcohol or not, this guy is unreliable and immature. Who cares if he’s “even tampered”. Doesn’t sound so stable to me. Or “even” anything.

what I feel for you is right under love? You could say it’s honesty but I bet if you stuck around (and you shouldn’t) you’d see him come back around and do it again. And again. And again. Is this because of alcohol? I doubt it.

my husband is abusive. He’s also an alcoholic. Does the alcohol make him abusive? Of course not. Sure, he may use alcohol as an excuse to carry out his worst acts but he’s abusive with it or without it.

this guy is high risk, with or without alcohol. You’re not heart broken. It was 10 months. Watch the words you use. Keep them in perspective. You’re disappointed. And perhaps, this triggered another wound in you that has zero to do with this guy.

it wasn’t going anywhere. So it went nowhere. Leave it right there.

just my .02. I’m sorry that happened. It never feels good. And this too shall pass.

Ariesagain

To answer these questions best I can…

Yes.

You can’t separate the guy from the alcohol, so where to assign the blame doesn’t really matter.

Possibly…so maybe best to take a good look at why you settled for the, “come here no go away” gotcha game multiple times?

Absolutely.

A whole lot of us take “I love you” or “I don’t love you” as absolute proof positive of a good relationship or a bad one. Those are words. Words don’t mean much when they’re not backed up by actions, yes?

The guy gave up everything to spend all his money drinking in another country. This, I would posit, is not relationship material, no matter how narrowly “relationship” might get defined.

Wish him well in your head, realize you’re lucky you weren’t in any deeper, and move on…some things all we can do is try to learn from.

trailmix

Hi masha, glad you found us, sorry for what brings you here.

I'll answer you last question first - Yes. Even if he wasn't an alcoholic (which he sure sounds like he is), he's a mess and totally unreliable. Not relationship material.

Now, whether his actions are from being an alcoholic, that's hard to say. You never knew him any other way, he has had a drinking problem from the time you met him.

Did you ignore the warning signs? Well from the what you have written, yes. He drinks copious amounts of alcohol, so he's mostly drunk every day and he smokes a lot of weed and also dabbles in acid and mushrooms. Just that alone does not make for a well balanced person, you know?

Live and let live, I mean if he wants to paint in mexico and do cocaine, well, I hope he has fun, but is that the kind of person (even in your wildest dreams) that you would want as a romantic partner?

So I really think slamming the door on that relationship (no friendship even) is your absolute best bet.

I know you are hurt and probably very sad right now, but, with time and clarity, I think you will see that he was not any good to be in a relationship with. On the outside he may have learned (over years) how to maintain normalcy to the outside work but I guarantee you that's not what is there on a deeper level.

Addicts many times lie to themselves, not just to everyone else and not just about their drinking/drug use. You can't live that type of life style, generally, without creating some kind of sub-reality.

Now is the time to maybe spend time looking at why you might have ended up with him. What about your drinking, are you comfortable with that? Taking good care of yourself will help you to feel better. Spend time with friends and family, eat well, get plenty of sleep, do things you enjoy.

HardLessons

Simply put:

He is an addict - doing the types of things addicts do.

You dodged a big bullet (big!) Let him go - to do whatever.

Run & dont look back. Hes not even friendship type material.

Please focus & take care of yourself.

SparkleKitty

Who can really say whether or not the alcohol fuels his chaos or his chaos fuels the alcohol--ultimately, it sounds like he has one foot out the door of this relationship (and a normal life and future) since the get-go.

I don't really believe in exes being able to friends immediately on the heels of a break-up. I appreciate you want to support him and believe that you are no longer interested in a romantic entanglement here, but I would advise you not to under-estimate the time and space you need to gain some perspective on the relationship and on this person and whether you really want and need him to be a part of your life.

honeypig

And it may never, ever get better, masha. This may be the best it will ever be. The world is full of alcoholics and addicts who will never do the hard work of recovery. There is absolutely no guarantee that he will see the light at ANY point.

You mention that you didn't fight with your XBF. XAH and I seldom fought either, but that's b/c he either numbed himself with alcohol so that things didn't matter, or else he just waited till I stopped talking and then went right ahead and did what he wanted to anyway, hiding it from me and lying about it. So from where I sit, simply "not fighting" doesn't amount to a hill of beans as an indicator of a good relationship.

I see you haven't been back to post since you made the original one. I hope you come back and read what's been said here, as well as reading around the forum in general. Maybe what folks here have told you isn't what you wanted to hear, but much like not fighting is no indication of a good relationship, information that is pleasant and easy to hear doesn't mean it's the most accurate or best for you...

comewhatmay

He did you a HUGE favor by ending the relationship, see it as a gift. Don't contact him again and don't look back. No friendship, cut him out. Yes he's an alcoholic and he's addicted from what I've read. You were seeing someone who is on a self-destructive downward spiral. I feel like maybe he knew he was messing up and thought it would be easier on him if he ended it. Alcohol is a big part of who he is. When people show you who they are, believe them. Alcoholic drinking = total chaos. I'm no longer the partner of an addict, but have been in the past. Horrible roller coaster ride. You don’t want to be in a long term relationship with an addict, trust me.

You owe it to yourself not to get involved with guys like this. These folks need to be in therapy, not in a relationship. Until they have received serious long term help they will always jump back and forth between you and the bottle. I know you're hurting right now, but a tear shed is a lesson learned. Leave this guy in the past, just live and be happy. Focus on yourself. God Bless and I hope this helps.

masha2688

Thank you so much everyone for your responses! There’s a lot of wisdom here and I suppose the surprise to me is that I don’t find myself disagreeing with any of it. I think I understood a lot of these things and didn’t want to acknowledge it. I agree friendship or any sort of ship should be entirely off the table.

This really got me too - time to examine why I’m attracted to these types of situations and why I stay. I’m definitely *not* comfortable with where my drinking got to with him especially during the last four months together and would very much prefer never to have that in my life.

Thank you all for the advice and calling these things out. I really appreciate all of the wisdom on these forums and you all willing to share the real truth with me!

Ariesagain

Masha, glad that you’re handling all of this so well. It may have its ups and downs, so don’t feel as if you can’t come back and post again, either with good news or with bad or just needing support.

He wouldn’t be the first addict (by a zillion) to come back around once he’s run out of options elsewhere (like no money and no job) and claim that he always loved you and he’s turned his life around and all he needs is your support to stop using and could he just stay at your place for a couple of nights and by the way he could really use a couple of hundred bucks if you could spare it. I’m not even kidding.

So be ready for that if it happens. Consider blocking him on everything and just chalking the whole thing up to experience…it’s like a fender bender, but with feelings. Your car will recover and so will you!

Cookie314

The short answer: Yes, you were dating an alcoholic the whole time; yes and no, the alcohol is a major part of it but not all of it; you possibly ignored them, or perhaps didn't see them for what they were; letting go is definitely the best thing.

The longer answer: Aspects of your story remind me of how my relationship with my AH began. His whole family drank very heavily, and for a while I also drank more heavily to fit in. (I mean years when I say a while too.) Things were so great! We never had any fights or disagreements like those poor other couples around us. Our relationship was perfect. It wasn't until later that I slowly came to realize the reason we never had arguments was because neither of us ever actually looked our issues square in the face. We were both brilliant at ignoring them. It's a talent I suppose. The alcoholism was always there, but it wasn't until much later that I could no longer fall back on deluding myself it was "just heavy drinking."

This brings me around to your question about ignoring the warning signs. I won't sugar coat it, you likely were. That said, knowing that isn't a reason to put yourself down or feel ashamed.

Alcoholism is particularly insidious, because drinking is so integral to so much of our culture. Being able to party hard, or relaxing with a beer after work, or going out with the guys, etc, are all very normalized in our society. Alcoholism is often seen as shameful weakness, the result of someone's inability to control themselves. Put these together, and it creates a very potent combo that encourages minimizing issues, and excuses for drinking so much/ so often. So even when you see something that bothers you, the system is already in place to quiet and distract that little voice saying something's wrong.

Next you have comments like your mother's that speak to expectations of being the caring, loving, forgiving partner with endless patience. Always waiting in the wings to rescue. You're the caretaker after all. Lots of people drink, it's not like he's ever hit you. All those bs cogs of the excuse machine I was explaining earlier. There's so much pressure to be the prefect partner, but that pressure always seems rather one-sided, doesn't it?

I know losing someone hurts, and being broken up with is painful. It's normal and healthy to want a relationship and companionship. You shouldn't feel shame for wanting those things and feeling the way you do. What's left now is to be honest with yourself. There are always aspects of the relationship that keep you in. Not all are necessarily positive, but that doesn't make them unreasonable. Think about what parts of your relationship with him made you want to stay, and be honest and fair with yourself. Use that info to help bring closure to your feelings, and move on. You can come out of this with a better understanding of your own motivations for relationships, and what you want for yourself.

Just remember the most important part is being both fair and honest with yourself. If you made mistakes, that's alright, everyone does. Use them as learning opportunities for the future. If you did something well, then feel proud for that accomplishment. You will move on from this.

masha2688

Thank you all again for the responses. Really trying to keep this advice in mind. It’s been just about a week since the dumping and I made sure to delete all chats, numbers, and so forth and haven’t even really wanted to reach out to him which I suppose is a good thing.

Predictably, he just messaged asking me if I’d read some book and said he’ll be back in our city next week - one month earlier than planned because he messed up scheduling for a bachelor party or something and had to leave Mexico early.

I think I already know my answer. Even though I offered friendship in a moment of hurt, I’m not actually interested in it (and I suspect he’s searching for friends with benefits while keeping up all these unhealthy behaviors).

I’m not planning to reply, and part of that resolve is backed in no small part by the support from this forum in the last week. Thanks guys for helping me stay strong.

Ariesagain

That and he’s going to need a place to stay. Does it say “Ramada Inn” on your forehead? I don’t think it does…

I also suspect he may be low on money. And he may have left Mexico early because things got weird…depending on where he was, they may not have had endless tolerance for drunk touristos.

Tell him not to contact you and then immediately block him on every platform. If you see him, maybe he’ll look great and you’ll get sucked back in or more likely he’ll look terrible and you’ll REALLY get sucked back in, but there’s nothing to be gained by seeing him. Adios. Hasta la nunca.

You’re doing really well. Keep going!

PeacefulWater12

You deserve better than that. Urgh.

Well done for not replying.

edoering

I had also agreed to friendship with my AXH when he first asked for a split (he was in a bit of a hypomanic state and just said he wanted to “go his own way” but that he still loved me, whatever that meant). Deep down, I think it was a pride thing, because of how deeply in love we had been, and how he was my best friend for seven years, I wanted to prove I was “mature enough” to not be petty about our splitting up if we truly grew apart and were no longer good as a married couple.

But what I realized is this: if he were still behaving in a healthy way like the person he was when I fell in love with him, I would want to be his friend. (If he was being that person, he wouldn’t have suddenly run away from his entire life in roughly the course of a weekend, and probably wouldn’t have asked to leave anyway, but regardless). But he’s not being that person. His actions and choices hurt me, and if I just met him now, I wouldn’t want to be his friend. So why do I owe him my friendship? The answer is I don’t. If he is someone good in my life, then we would be friends. If he is not, then I have to make choices accordingly. It’s not good for me to stay friends with him because of our past, especially since the present is nothing like our past. It is totally reasonable to make a new decision based on new information.

Hawkeye13

I totally agree with Aries, and her advice is excellent. He is coming back and looking for a soft landing.

No Contact and block—after a very clear message to leave you alone with no qualifications-

masha2688

Aries, the Ramada Inn comment made me laugh (in a good way). I definitely think you’re on point here.

I’m staggered by his nerve. I want to be compassionate towards whatever he’s going through but…I also really don’t.

Thank you all, again. I do feel a little bad bc I laid on the “let’s be friends” a little thick and am now just ignoring him but eh. He was the dick first (always nice to hear precisely how little someone loves you, alcohol or no alcohol). As you all said, major bullet dodged!

PeacefulWater12

I came to realise that when dealing with a person who operates in manipulation and using people, the only thing that works is No Contact.

They will use anything you offer as an "in".

velma929

I wonder if people don't "get it" until they've met and dealt with an alcoholic in their own lives, as a partner, or sibling or parent. Booze is legal, many places now pot has been decriminalized. I know people, intelligent, rational people, who just don't understand addiction at all. Maybe they've met people who 'seem to drink a lot' but because it's not someone they're close to, they haven't been able to see up close and personal what life is like for the people who live with/love the addict.

My current partner has never had that experience. When I told him about the time Late AH ended up in the hospital for something unrelated to his drinking, and the doctor told him he'd need medical help 'if he ever wanted to quit', Current guy thought the doctor was just discouraging AH from quitting on his own. No, I said, you can't go from drinking twelve beers a night to nothing. You could die. Fortunately, I'd just seen an episode of "Doctor G, Medical Examiner" so I could explain *exactly* why, but I think he still wasn't convinced.

Partner's brother 'only drinks on weekends' but then will polish of a case of beer or more. He looks a decade older than Partner, at least, and no, they're not that far apart in age. Partner doesn't think his bro has a problem. Maybe he doesn't, but I'm glad their lives aren't very intertwined.

Eauchiche

I suspect your boyfriend is in the middle of a juggling act, between the dick and the bottle.

Strange how we've devolved as human beings. Some species of birds mate for life and are monogamous.