masha2688

Update: got back together with this schmuck in June, fell for the whole routine, and had another honestly mostly good five or so months together. The drinking was less when we were together but all the red flags were still there - if I had to guess I would say he was most likely hiding it. He was still hung over most days, and blew a tire driving drunk and texting.

Anyway, I was going to break up with him mid-October after things started feeling off and he uncharacteristically blew me off one night, but he surprised me by asking if I wanted to fly home with him to another state for a Friendsgiving. That morphed into a “so the night before we’ll hang out with my parents” (we didn’t so much discuss the meaning of this as he mentioned it and I nodded). Long story short the trip was a success, everyone seemed to hit it off, and he even told me that things in his eyes had gone great and his friends from home had told him not to mess it up with me.

That was a week and a half ago. Today he said he wanted to “end the romantic side” of things, that he’d been too focused on the relationship and not on “getting it done” (for a refresh, he has a masters but quit his corporate job and sold down his 401k to travel through Mexico in May which is the first time he dumped me). I told him he was cruel because who goes from “meet my parents” to “I don’t love you” (I made him say it) in the space of a week and a half? I was the first girl he’d brought home in six years since his college girlfriend (we’re both early 30s).

He was supposed to meet my parents next week as well which was a big deal for me because he would’ve been the first since my divorce two years ago. His timing suggests he freaked out, but I told him I didn’t want to be friends or anything at all, and that this time is final.

I guess I just showed poor judgment in giving him another chance - he’s a kind and charismatic individual, and without exception his friends are all warm and good people who seem to speak to some sort of good character buried in there. But it’s too far buried I’m afraid. I needed to rant. I’m hurt but okay. I didn’t even really cry all too much. He asked to be friends, but I asked him to leave (and for the $800 back that I spent on plane tickets to go home with him since he was too broke to pay). It seems insane that this was a long con to get a plane ticket home, but either way I am done.

Kokoro

This sounds bizarrely like my exBF and I wish I had your story to read 3 years ago. He was, from the get go, very interested in integrating himself with my family ( I even told him to slow down and being slightly alarmed at how fast things were going but I chose to ignore because love lol). He was talking about marriage very early on and we both come form a culture where it is the norm to do so, even though born and raised in the west. I was the one having to put the brakes on it. After all that talk of wanting to be in a big close knit family and how he loves the atmosphere, he started to "duck out". He then started to complain how I spent too much time with my family and how interfering they were. It was rather convenient he started saying that after my parents found out about his alcoholism/ DUIs/lost jobs etc. He would also flip flop like this too. He relapsed just before we were going to get engaged.

I guess what i am trying to say is maybe he really did feel those feelings at that moment in time but is too unstable to see it through. Do you really want that instability in your life? Be thankful it was only 10 months and he showed you who he was. I should have cut the cord at that point too.

Eauchiche

KIND? Not so much
CHARISMATIC without being kind?
Out on the farm, we call those bullshitters.

No judgement from this corner, Masha. You tried and you learned.

There is a product to clean contact lenses, whose main ingredient is Hydrogen Peroxide. There are red warning labels all over the bottle to not use it in your eyes.
One time I accidently did. The experience was memorable, to say the least.

Like my eye doctor said, we all have to try this one time.

trailmix

^^^^ This, this (and this!).

Thank you for putting it so succinctly Kokoro.

This comes up so very often on this forum, in different scenarios. "He told me we would be married and buy a house and have children, then he left 3 days later and said he just couldn't do that and he's not sure what he feels".

That kind of stuff.

The intention of the person, or the alcoholic in this case can be true. It may truly be what he or she wants in that moment. But by the very nature of alcoholism, there is instability and at the end of the day if you want to do all those things you really can't be drinking every day or every other day. And you really didn't think about how his/her family might put pressure on you once they knew you were an alcoholic with a string of DUI's, or the lack of freedom you might have to fly off wherever or drink all night. What they want and what they can realistically have while in active addiction can be two entirely different things.

The only saving grace in this is that you didn't get married, have children and endure years and years of this. He backed away for his own selfish reasons but you got to dodge the bullet just the same.

You said in your original posts that you were feeling strong and a lot of that came from posting here and the responses you received. Keep posting Masha, there are people here to support you.

I'm glad it doesn't hurt quite so badly this time and I hope that stays true, you will get through this, things will get brighter.