edoering

From reading through the responses I think everyone supports your decision to leave him. I think when people say “don’t let the teens run the ship” they mostly mean if keeping the house isn’t possible, prioritize getting you and your family safe over the fact that they want to stay in the home. If it helps, when life throws you these curveballs, I always try to identify what priorities are “wants” and which are “needs.” Sometimes, you can get what you need AND what you want, but sometimes when it comes down to it the needs are more important and the wants can be replaced over time. I think being out of an abusive household qualifies as a “need.”

trailmix

Understandable. You said you think the kids can see something you can't. I think you are right.

Sometimes we have to make choices we don't like. Stay with your AH husband and lose contact with your children. Have him move out, but only eventually. Neither are great options, but if those are your options, you need to choose one.

Ok, so you have a choice to make. You either move on out yourselves and leave him there or you do what you need to, to get him out legally but not "very quickly".

That's it, that's all you've got to work with. I hope your children also realize those are your options and that you can't legally throw him out on the street?

They can move out in the meantime if they want to, however, if they see you doing the next right thing for them and for you, they will no doubt wander back when he is out.

dandylion

pizza.....Here is how it looks to me, as I think about all that you have shared----that both you and the kids have suffered under his abusive thumb. This puts both you and the kidsi in the "same boat"---you both need to be away from his abuse.
It doesn't look like an "Ultimatum" from the kids, to ME. I know that you feel like it is. It looks to me like just the reality f the situation---the kids are miserable with him (they have made that clear). They do have the right to want to protect themselves and they are of an age that they can physically leave. And, they apparently intend to do that.

Now, here may be the crux of the greatest conflict (again, as I see it)----if you really prefer to stay with the relationship---then, the boys are correct---you would be choosing to reside with Him...AS they choose their legal right not to live with him. In other words, you and the boys would be choosing different things.
This would mean that you would have to visit the boys outside of the house---in different places, if you choose to stay as they choose to live elsewhere. I would bet my bottom dollar that they will continue to see and visit and talk with you---they care, deep down---otherwise, they wouldn't have cared so much when they saw him abusive to you and they would have already left! They have tried to protect you--which means that they love you.
By the way---I really, really do get it when the nearly adult children "leave the nest"---most all of us do cry (for a short time...lol.).
*** In your particular situation, I think that you can't continue to rely on the kids as your main emotional support in the marriage. If you don't like the image of "main emotional support"---the words "distraction from the unhappy marriage" might be a better way to describe it.

Reality---it looks like you won't be able to have both---1. stay in the marriage. And. 2. Have your boys under the roof.
He is never going to change. So, you, in reality, have to choose the situation that means the most to you. You will have to prioritize, even if you don't want to.

It is my opinion that the boys are not "forcing this on you"---this is Life, requiring a decision---but, you are projecting the "blame" onto the boys.
Life says that they have a right, granted by the Universe---to live their own life and to protect themselves from misery and abuse. Don't you think so?

Your relationship with your husband is on your side of the street--not theirs. It is your issue and your responsibility to deal with it. They are responsible for navigating their own life, at this point. This is what happens when the baby chicks grow up and get their pin feathers (google pin feathers..lol).
These kinds of decisions Do pull at the heart....there are almost always some growing pains. My heart goes out to both of you.
Dr. Phil's wife, Robin. describes in her book. how she cried for weeks when her first son left to go away to school. I remember my sister in law doing the same thing, as she cried on my shoulder for 6 months (on and off) before her oldest son went away for school---which was only 20 minutes away!! I remember taking the time off from work and cried around the clock when my son went away from home for the first time.

Another Reality feedback....if you split from the husband---as in "divorce"...the house will need to be sold (according to the info. that you have given us), even if you don't Want to. In fact, most of the people who do divorce have to face selling the house, even though most of them don't want to. As painful as it might be--they live and adjust and go forward in their lives. The reality of divorce does mean that most people do have to face certain financial changes.

More Reality feedback----for the boys----If you decide to split from your husband---the house Will have to be sold---whether they like it or not. It is not their choice---as that is on your ide of the street. They will come to accept that reality. All of us---or, many of us---shed an emotional tear or two at the thought of leaving our childhood homes. Really, it is the painful acceptance that time marches on and we can't keep our childhoods---we lern to carry our childhoods in our hearts. I remember crying when my grandmother moved to another house, just down the road.

pizza....lol...I have said it before and I will say it again---I believe that you need more support people in your life. More emotional support than you seem to have---you seem sort of isolated (emotionally) and lonely. If I am correct---I will tell you that it doesn't have to stay that way. This may be one of the changes that you will need to make.
Life does mean a series of changes as we go through life's journey. to All of us.

Now, pizza, I have been running my mouth quite a bit, tonight. Not to be bossy---but, to try to help you by sharing my thoughts and experiences.
you are under no obligation to accept any of it. Just take anything that is helpful and ignore the rest.

Caramel

I offer the thought, from experience, that a fresh new home in which only pleasant memories are created, will be better than the former home pervaded by memories of fear and unhappiness.

Ariesagain

Pizza…I hear you talk a lot about what everyone else wants you to do.

What do YOU want to do?

Given what you believe the realities are…that your husband won’t leave, the kids won’t stay….what do YOU want to do?

I had a great therapist during my divorce who always said, “Check your assumptions.” Meaning…what was I assuming was true that wasn’t necessarily so? What are your assumptions?

Unless your kids are independently wealthy, they get to have an opinion, but they aren’t in a position to make demands.

Unless your husband has magically been able to rewrite divorce law, he gets to have an opinion about not wanting to leave the house, but the law will say otherwise.

Those are just a few of the assumptions you might be making?

One way or another your kids will be onto their own lives soon regardless. That will leave you in that house with your husband.

Again, what do YOU want?

Sueby

Ahhhh, I see. That’s a hard spot to be in, sorry you’re going through this.

UrbanMermaid

I haven't read your previous posts, Pizza, but if he is emotionally abusive and an addict, could you get a temporary restraining order against him? That may force him out of the home and get the ball rolling. Lawyer up if you can!

LLLisa

I basically gray rocked my XAH until he left the home. Initially, he agreed to leave in 4 months. He didn't. He dragged it out to 7 months. It was hell and affected my health much more than I expected it to. 9 years later, I am in my mid 50's and experiencing long term health issues that started way back then and have only exacerbated. I even lent him money to get him to leave. He never paid me back. Just save yourself.

pizza67

Not unless he REALLY screws up. More than passive aggressive snipes and moralizing.

dandylion

pizza.....it is now, well into June....and summer is coming upon us/ I am wondering if the boys are packing to leave---as they said they would do for the summer?

Bernadette

Hi Pizza,
Agree with everyone that you ned to meditate a bit on exactly what YOU want.

Meanwhile you can get unstuck by contacting a lawyer and just laying out the situation - leave the kids' desires out of it. You want to divorce AH, he's threatening not to leave the marital premises, what are your ACTUAL legal options? Sometimes we presume we know the answers and there is often more subtlety to our options than we think.

Also- do you have any men in your life? Brothers or strong male friends of a similar age to you and AH? I've seen men who were bullying women into believing what they needed them to believe back way down when there is another man in the room saying essentially the SAME thing the woman has been saying.

Alcoholics are experts at maintaining the status quo. That's how they operate day in and day out. Nothing changes if nothing changes so just keep pushing for change, even if it takes a month or more to get him out, stick to your decision, proceed with the divorce and things will absolutely change.

Sending you a bouquet of courage & strength!
Peace,
B.