Amaranth

Hello, I haven't posted in a while. I've been doing pretty well. The no contact (since september) with my ex is really good for me. I saw him in court in February the day we got divorced but we said nothing to each other. I extend the no contact to not talking about him and my kids rarely mention him to me, although they live with him.
I make one exception in this no contact..... my ex neighbour sometimes tells me things about my ex. I´m not sure why he tells me and I´m not sure why I listen. I tell myself it´s good to have a handle on where he´s at, for the kids´ sake. Or maybe it´s a codependent slip and it´s a fix, hearing the gossip. This neighbour is pretty intuitive and has been spot on every time he suspects something is happening.
Today he told me he suspects my ex has a new girlfriend and he told me all the details of why he´s come to that conclusion. It all adds up. It´s someone I know. It´s someone I have witnessed him drinking with and doing coke with while we were married. Her now ex husband is, or was a good friend. I haven´t seen either of them for a long time.
I have been so angry all day. I don´t know why. We´re no longer married, it´s not my business. She lives an hour away and he´s been away the last few weekends so the kids have been alone. They are 18, that isn´t really an issue. (although in my head it is)
I have brought this here because I do not want to break my no contact self imposed rule and tell anyone about it. Why? Because it might not even be true. He might be seeing someone different or even spending the weekends away at out of town AA meetings (that bit was a joke) but honestly I don´t know what he´s doing or who he´s with and I am pissed off that I have lost my serenity over this.
I don´t want to enter back into the drama so I don´t want to talk about this to my friends or even share about it at my meeting.
Why do I even care? I don´t know.
This is the third girlfriend (that I know of) since we split. This one is no less messy that the last two. I think it´s horrible for the kids to witness their dad behaving the way he does. I haven´t seen anyone else since we split - I´ve been focussing on other things like recovering from cancer and moving house about 100 times (that´s an exageration - it´s about 7 times) Tomorrow I have to go for a scan. It´s pretty unpleasant so I guess I´m getting anxious and I feel quite resentful that he just manages to find drug addict women with money to enable him to carry on his party lifestyle while I deal with all the stuff I have to deal with.
I think I´m more angry with myself for letting it all get to me. I´m doing OK. I have found a place I want to buy and I have been offered financial help so I don´t even need to push for the division of the assets to go through the court just yet. I want to be settled first so if the house has to get sold the kids will have somewhere to go and won´t end up with two homeless parents. I´ve got work, I´ve got a great support network around me, my health is good. I´ve got a lot to be grateful for. I´m actually having a nice time and don´t have drunk people and drama in my life anymore. I am doing loads of work on myself, physical therapy as well as counselling, psychologist and coda meetings.
When will I stop getting wound up by my ex? When will that feeling IT¨S NOT FAIR go away?

Macyc

Can you reframe it? Better her than you? Better them than you?

obviously he’s no better for another woman than he was with you. Same man different details different woman.

Ariesagain

I’m sorry you’re going through this…it’s only human to be furious that he apparently has managed to be “happy” when, let’s face it, he should be getting a MAJOR visit from Karma about now if there were any justice in the world.

So you’re just being human. A human who’s gone through so many stressful and painful things and managed to be so strong throughout it all. I would imagine that you’re pretty tired of that, too…like why can’t you just sit on the floor and NOT be strong for a while. Five minutes, even!!!

First off, it’s pretty easy to find a relationship when one’s standards are non-existent. For him, his standards seem to be, “has a pulse and drinks.” Trust me, a “relationship” between two drunks is not a good thing. It’s certainly not anything like anything you’d ever want, because you’re smart and you’re sane.

Second, you need to treat yourself to something major. Even if “major” is just an entire half gallon of ice cream or a night off from doing anything but what you want. A drive to someplace pretty…a long walk and a good meal out after. Something to show you how much you appreciate YOU.

Be kind to yourself, yes? And if you like, you can always look into ordering a personalized ****** doll online and get out some three-inch pins. Hey, it might help!



P.S. Tell you neighbor it’s none of your business and you’d appreciate not discussing it. The end.

Sueby

If it's any help, karma does eventually kick in. I said the same thing when AH and I split up, "why am I suffering while he goes on like nothing's happened?" "Why do I have to make ALL the changes??" It all seemed so unfair and biased in favor of him. He'd be partying and living it up like he was 25, and I had to be the responsible one.

Well over 5 years on, all the women he "chatted" up stay far away from him now - obviously they're are a lot smarter than I am. He's lost his job, he's broke and can't pay much, if any, of his bills. Our boys barely speak to him and he's missing his grandson growing up. One of his brothers doesn't speak to him and the other one rarely does, which is such a sin because they were all so close. Barely anyone speaks with him anymore, they just humor his drunk calls and quickly hang up. He just sits in his house and drinks while his health starts to slide more with every binge.

So the moral of my story is that karma is real. BUT, I can't say that seeing karma hit him up good made me feel any better at all. I just feel so sad his life has gone this route and wish he could make his way back for himself and his kids/family.

trailmix

It's a good question. The only experience I have with this is when my Mother divorced my Father. She was really angry with him. She had been a housewife while we were growing up and she left when we were older teens, so that was a good many years. He bought her out of the house and that was that. Then she bought a very small place and went back to work. Eventually she couldn't really afford the small place so moved to an apartment.

She seriously disliked him her whole life after the divorce. She never forgave him, never wanted to and I understand that. It didn't really affect her life as such, except she actually didn't like men in general anymore, not like her son in laws etc, but older men.

We used to talk about him to her once in a while, just because we were venting lol - that probably wasn't great for her but I didn't think of that at the time.

Maybe when you get married, raise the children then have to get divorced for their poor behaviour it seems unfair because it is! It's hard. Your struggles have been many and that wasn't how it was supposed to be is it? Yet there you were, struggling, fighting him, children involved, it's just horrible really.

Anyway, I haven't really shed any light on it, I just know what you mean. I don't know the answer, except maybe just acceptance that it "is". It's not fair, but it happened and you can't change that history.

I am really glad to hear that you have so much going your way now though Amaranth.

comewhatmay

Amaranth,
I'm sorry to hear you're not feeling good. What goes around really does come around, sooner or later. He might be living it up now, but it won't last forever, things will catch up with him. But bottom line, you’re rid of him. Focus on the future you are today creating for yourself, it sounds like you're doing a wonderful job with that by attending counselling and meetings. Just continue on your daily life and building yourself up. Sending you peace and blessings.

velma929

I think it's okay to tell neighbor you don't want to hear it. Not in a mean, abrupt way, but a matter-of fact way.

"Neighbor, I know Ex has moved on, and perhaps his choices are sub-optimal. But he's free to make whatever choices he wants, because we're divorced now. Feel free to tell me I have spinach in my teeth, or my tire's low on air, or the weather channel has warned of heavy winds with a thunder storm. I can rinse my mouth, head to a garage, or tie down the patio furniture. I *can't* control Ex, nor is it my right to do so. I know you're trying to help, but to hear things I can't actually do anything about just adds stress to my life and makes me sad and angry."

A TV station in our area used to have the tagline for their newscasts: "News you can use." That's what I remind myself when I'm tempted to enter into conversations like that, or gossip.

Painting with a broad brush here: Men don't like to be uncoupled. And many people, men and women, addicts or not, fail to examine what went wrong in the last relationship before diving into a new one.

Sorry you're going through this.

Amaranth

thank you everyone for helping me through a difficult night. I'm getting better at riding the emotional waves but it sure helps to hear all your wisdom.
Today a friend took me to the hospital. I had to go for a scan. Now that's out of the way I feel a lot better. It seems so easy for me to attach to the pain I feel around my ex when I am anxious or concerned about other things. Its a pattern I notice but still don't manage to avoid.
My friend said something weird happened the other day. She saw my ex with a woman in his car. As she approached the woman slid down the seat like she was trying to hide from my friend. She thought my ex must have said "oh no she might see us together. hide!" She thought it was really odd. She fits the description.
I had a moment of clarity. I saw the cocaine fuelled paranoia that runs their "relationship" or whatever it might be. It was just the same with the first woman he was with after we seperated. He was always trying to hide and telling lies about being with her. I don't know who he's hiding from or who she's hiding from but I am so glad I am not in either of their shoes. Running. He is repeating the pattern.....again. I know where it leads. No where happy. The first girlfriend killed herself. The second had a husband and two young kids who she eventually left the country with. My ex had a smashed in face the same weekend. The new one has a teenage child and her ex is a friend of my ex. messy.
I don't want messy in my life. Yes, yesterday I felt hurt. I felt angry. Today? I can choose to move forward with my life and leave him to his own path. I may think he is repeating the same patterns but how do I know if that is true?
I am striving to build a life for myself free of lies, free of drug fuelled paranoia. A simple life. I would rather be on my own for the rest of my life than to have to live with that **** again. I hope he manages to turn his life around one day. I am doing my best to turn mine around.