What is the word for this?
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Join Date: May 2021
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What is the word for this?
Often, I could say something to AH like “I didn’t like how you treated me last night. You’re so quick to be cruel.”
and he’d subject change. Like “let me know if you want to meet for lunch today.”
if I would say “will you acknowledge what I just said “ he would say “I’m not going to argue with you. Everything is a set up by you.”
I don’t know how to describe that. It’s one of those things where well meaning friends or family would say “just tell him.....”. But I do. I do “tell him.”
and he’d subject change. Like “let me know if you want to meet for lunch today.”
if I would say “will you acknowledge what I just said “ he would say “I’m not going to argue with you. Everything is a set up by you.”
I don’t know how to describe that. It’s one of those things where well meaning friends or family would say “just tell him.....”. But I do. I do “tell him.”
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Originally Posted by Macyc 
... well meaning friends or family would say “just tell him.....”. But I do. I do “tell him.”
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Join Date: May 2021
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Gaslighting! I looked that up. Maybe that explains a lot.
let’s say I expressed being exasperated or exhausted like “I’m about to give up” and I would mean, giving up on trying to explain...... he would accuse me of “threatening him”. Often I’d say something and he’d say it was a threat. I was often confused like how is that a threat? Is that gaslighting also?
I think I thought maybe he was that sensitive or insecure that he felt everything was a “threat.” Yet he doesn’t seem insecure, he’s quite confident in his version of things and his stance.
let’s say I expressed being exasperated or exhausted like “I’m about to give up” and I would mean, giving up on trying to explain...... he would accuse me of “threatening him”. Often I’d say something and he’d say it was a threat. I was often confused like how is that a threat? Is that gaslighting also?
I think I thought maybe he was that sensitive or insecure that he felt everything was a “threat.” Yet he doesn’t seem insecure, he’s quite confident in his version of things and his stance.
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I’d add “negating” and “dismissing.”
He learned that if accused you of threatening him, you’d back off because you are a decent person. It’s a tactic. From here, it looks like he’s only sensitive and insecure if it works to get him what he wants. He’s pretty much weaponizing your kindness against you.
He learned that if accused you of threatening him, you’d back off because you are a decent person. It’s a tactic. From here, it looks like he’s only sensitive and insecure if it works to get him what he wants. He’s pretty much weaponizing your kindness against you.
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Thanks you guys. It is helping me right now to untangle things if I am able to see it. And to see it, I find myself wanting to be able to have words for it.
I feel annoying or needy. I’m sure that’s some effect of him as well. If only logic cured emotions.
thanks for hanging in there with me and taking the time to support me in this time. It means a lot.
I feel annoying or needy. I’m sure that’s some effect of him as well. If only logic cured emotions.
thanks for hanging in there with me and taking the time to support me in this time. It means a lot.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Originally Posted by Macyc
I feel annoying or needy. I’m sure that’s some effect of him as well. If only logic cured emotions.
I actually think he may be insecure, but he certainly (absolutely, definitively) brought the insecurity/situation on to himself. He has messed this all up so thoroughly, the only way to hang on to you is through manipulation.
All of this is manipulative. You don't get a straight answer, you get some gibberish that is meaningless, some blame and he's off away to whatever he wants to do while you are left holding the blame/annoying/needy bag.
Anyone who would do that to someone has a complete lack of moral character and integrity, two such important things.
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Join Date: May 2021
Location: England
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'passive aggressive' spring to mind.
"Instead of getting visibly angry, passive aggressive people express their hostility in passive-aggressive ways designed to hurt and confuse their target. Getting angry only puts the passive-aggressive person on the defensive—often resulting in them making excuses or denying any responsibility".
If you google it you will find much more - it's quite difficult to deal with but the more you understand it the less it will 'hurt' you - and then you have more space to think about what you want to do about it.
"Instead of getting visibly angry, passive aggressive people express their hostility in passive-aggressive ways designed to hurt and confuse their target. Getting angry only puts the passive-aggressive person on the defensive—often resulting in them making excuses or denying any responsibility".
If you google it you will find much more - it's quite difficult to deal with but the more you understand it the less it will 'hurt' you - and then you have more space to think about what you want to do about it.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
This is because of the relationship type. If you were in a normal, loving relationship, you wouldn't be getting responses like that. You wouldn't feel the need to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) your comments or a situation all the time. There wouldn't be conflict all the time so you saying "I give up" (on trying to explain) wouldn't be an issue because there is no perceived threat because the person would know you weren't going to ask for a divorce!
I actually think he may be insecure, but he certainly (absolutely, definitively) brought the insecurity/situation on to himself. He has messed this all up so thoroughly, the only way to hang on to you is through manipulation.
All of this is manipulative. You don't get a straight answer, you get some gibberish that is meaningless, some blame and he's off away to whatever he wants to do while you are left holding the blame/annoying/needy bag.
Anyone who would do that to someone has a complete lack of moral character and integrity, two such important things.
I actually think he may be insecure, but he certainly (absolutely, definitively) brought the insecurity/situation on to himself. He has messed this all up so thoroughly, the only way to hang on to you is through manipulation.
All of this is manipulative. You don't get a straight answer, you get some gibberish that is meaningless, some blame and he's off away to whatever he wants to do while you are left holding the blame/annoying/needy bag.
Anyone who would do that to someone has a complete lack of moral character and integrity, two such important things.
Sorry your husband is the same way, Macy, great job on getting away from him.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Anyone who would do that to someone has a complete lack of moral character and integrity, two such important things.
And there it is. The very basis of addiction.
Addiction will make a person do whatever is needed to keep that addiction going.
Regardless of emotional cost to the addicted person or those around them. None of it is personal, it is just what the addiction needs to do.
Thank you, Trail Mix. A little light bulb went off in my head. Hence the "let got or get dragged" slogan. The A will go to any lengths to keep the addiction active. Until they are ready to stop.
I say this from both sides, one with recovering A hat on and one with my recovering Codie hat on.
Thank you
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