Macyc

Hi all,

my AH is 90 days sober. I am really struggling the past few days. A little back ground....... my AH has been actively using for many many years. It progressed throughout the years. The behaviors grew worse. The last few years he was also using cocaine a lot along with adderall although alcohol is his substance of choice as far as I believe. He’d cheat. With anyone. Constantly seeking out attention from women. Strippers. You name it. Also had to be the center of attention everywhere he was. I suppose I should be grateful that he was a big party animal staying out most of the night so it wasn’t in the home all the time. But when he’d finally drag himself after whatever, I would get his wrath. Probably similar story you’ve heard, different details. I was always at home taking care of the kids, etc. it was lonely and traumatic.

he went to rehab 90 days ago. After two weeks, he decided to leave the rehab. Against my wishes of course. Ultimately, he left and has attended meetings ever since. This is his third attempt at sobriety since I’ve been with him the past 18 years. The other times, he wouldn’t ever attend inpatient treatment. So I was shocked he went this time even though he didn’t stay the full 35 days. He has to my knowledge stayed sober. I don’t believe he’s had alcohol.

enough about him, my issue is........ he’s the same! I didn’t think he’d magically be different. I’m not disillusioned. I don’t know what I expected. Or maybe I do..... I think I expected that maybe I would finally not always be wrong. I thought that maybe not he would safe.

In my life experience, when I care about someone and they care about me, whether it’s a friend or family member etc, when feelings are hurt, an exchange takes place that resolves it. In the moment...... seems it’s something we teach our kids from a young age. So let’s say my friend tells me something I said hurt her feelings, even IF that wasn’t my intention, even IF I had no idea something I said could hurt her feelings because it was a sensitive area for her I couldn’t know, or any variation you can think of, I listen to her....... and I respond from my heart. I may explain that I had no idea, I would speak words that conveyed my care and I would apologize and let her know I would be mindful to not say that again. She accepts what I’m saying. Resolve is found, we move on. And, I stick to my word. Vice versa if it’s the other way around and I’m taking my hurt to another. That’s been my life experience when it comes to such matters. It’s part of showing care and receiving it.

except with AH!!!! It’s has NEVER gone that way. Not even close!!! Maybe in the first 4 months if our relationship. So I think I recall that he used to be able to. But now I wonder if maybe I’m making that up. Normally, to use the word never, isn’t accurate. Here, it is. It isn’t exaggerated. It’s exhausting. I can do it, he can’t. In fact, if I even mention my feelings at all, this “thing” happens with him. Never a simple exchange. I’ve learned to not mention my feelings but on occasion, I have to or I try again, and I am reminded to not do it. I feel like I can’t be honest with him because if I say something that triggers this “thing” in him, I get hurt.
sometimes I trigger it not even knowing it would. An example is...... the other day, I got a text out of the blue from a woman who asked me if I knew anyone who gave small personal loans. Now I know this woman.... she has a 20 year old daughter who my AH had an inappropriate dialogue with a year or so ago. He’s never admitted it and that’s ok but he did. Now this woman asked me that because my AH was not only life every party, known at every bar but mr millionaire while at it. Paid for everyone everywhere. 5000 dollar bar tabs, several times over in one night. Flashing it. So he gets asked for loans often. And he does it. I have been hands off regarding this I assure you. Anyway, this was a first for me. I read the text to him because he was sitting next to me as it came thru. He asked if h was gong to reply. I said no. He asked why ? I said because it’s awkward and inappropriate, I hardly know her and don’t owe her a reply. He said why wouldn’t you just say I don’t know anyone who does that. I said I think no reply says the same. He asked again, why I was uncomfortable about saying no. I said I wasn’t but knowing about his carrying on with her daughter that way, I felt contact at all was inappropriate on its own. Much less it was an inappropriate question to begin with (she knows ah has money, I felt it obvious, I barely know this woman and I am a stay at home non).

he asked and I answered. I was calm. I said what I meant and I meant what I said. What he did next is exactly what he does if I ever tried to tell him about how I feel about something which I guess is what I did here. Just seemed different than normal. He got nasty and blaming. “Omg really? I’m so sick of your accusations. You think you’re so smart. Your information isn’t accurate but you think you know it all.” I didn’t reply. He kept going “why do you do this? Everything was fine and you have to bring something up just to start...... you’ll never change. You are so unappreciative. I want peace. And I want to be appreciated, it’s all I want. You just want me to die! You make me want to not live.”

I said “idk what’s going on here, I wish you wouldn’t talk to me like this. I answered your question. Am I not allowed to have a thought or opinion?

that isn’t what you were doing. And you know it!!!!!

and he ignored me the rest of the evening/night.

if I were to try to reason with him, it would get worse and I’d never get a word in. It doesn’t work.

next day he acted like nothing. So I did also.

however, it doesn’t feel authentic to do that. Especially when it’s way worse and he calls me names.

a few days later, I asked him, “have any strippers texted you recently?”

mind you, he had a big issue with strip clubs. In the 90 days he’s been back, I’ve asked that question maybe 3 times. To check in..... to me it’s a check in. And I’ve told him that. Off he went again! This time worse. The name calling. Bringing up the past. Rewriting reality. Justifying. Accusing me of doing what he was doing in the moment. I didn’t engage or defend. I stayed calm and would try to reassure him in short sentence “no, I wasn’t doing that”. “Can you not label me please” and the like until I gave up and just tried to walk away. He finally left the house slamming the door and returning a half hour later. Ignoring me for the rest of the night.

I can’t always “act like nothing” the next day like he wants. I don’t ignore him i talk when he speaks to me kindly. I answer his questions and so on but no, I don’t want to hug and kiss or have sex. I’d like the above exchange I mentioned. It does not happen. Sometimes I don’t know how to move on without it if harsh things were thrown by way. Him telling me to leave and get out. Did he mean. It? That hurts. If he didn’t, wouldn’t he want to tell me so? I ask “did you mean it when you said that...” and along it comes again.

tbis was when he was actively drinking.... he’s a binge drinker so started on Thursday to Sunday. And it’s still now sober. So it wasn’t because of his drinking like I thought. Even though it would happen when he was sober also.

as much as what I’m saying is about him, it’s about me. Am I supposed to live without that? It feels wrong and hurtful. Lonely. Messes with my confidence. So he’s safe or not? I can’t even trust that it’s ok to say what I think or feel because then I’m faced with that and no resolve after it.

and yes, about other subjects he does this also. I could say something about something in the moment like “when you call me that it hurts” he will tell me “oh gosh. ,can’t even joke with you.”

well I think he can. I like to laugh. I can even laugh at myself. His jokes seem like put downs.

Our daughter notices. She always has. He blames me for that also.

i am trying to be patient. Give him grace and so on. I’m also feeling like I want to run. I need a break from never mattering.

if I leave for a week, he will get mad. Seems the only one allowed to be anywhere is him. Was like that when he was drinking also. That’s my fault also because several years ago I did leave him once when his drinking and lies were so confusing. He’s never let me live it down. And i am always wrong. I’m wrong about how I feel and what I think and if h say anything, he uses it as it his own and says it back to me. It’s really odd.

maybe i am crazy and it’s me. I’ve tried to tell him. It only makes this thing he does worse.

Macyc

Oh and I wish I could say this was a communication issue we have with each other. Maybe it’s how I say if. I told myself that for year. I’ve tried every which way. My timing, editing myself. And more. It isn’t how I say it. No, I’m far from perfect but I’ve searched high and low to find my place in this “thing” of his. Because if it were me, I could change it. So I’d welcome that.

I suppose what is me is I try to get water from a rock. So I stop doing that only I fail because aren’t there occasions I have to speak my thoughts and feelings? So if I can’t with him because of him, I don’t know how to be happy or whole in a place I am mistreated.

if I tell him that then he says i mistreat him. Round and round. It’s not healthy for me. Is the only answer to leave? Again? I don’t get it and I think I doubt my own reality at this point. I don’t know this is a alcoholic issue or unrelated. It feels abusive. Is if? I am afraid to tell him how I feel. And it’s confusing.

trailmix

Hi Macy. Well they say, what do you get when an alcoholic horse thief sobers up? A horse thief.

Oh and you're not crazy, you are quite sane in fact. And yes, it is abuse.

I'm sure there was some expectation or at least hope that once he was sober for a while some of his really negative attributes and digs at you would stop. That he would be more "normal" thinking and realize what he is saying and doing is not only really hurting you but destroying your relationship.

Unfortunately, it doesn't work like that. He may be sober in that he hasn't had a drink or other drugs, but he barely has any sober time under his belt and the next thing that he needs to work on (if he chooses to) is recovery. His snipping, sniping way toward you hasn't changed, because why would it. He hasn't started true recovery which means getting your life and your head straight. Moving from a self-centered world view to a less selfish view, realizing that people matter.

Before it was him and the alcohol, now it's just him. When there is addiction involved there isn't a lot of room for other people in the addicts life. Until he starts to heal whatever had him drinking, until he undoes all that selfish thinking, it will just be more of the same.

Whether he reaches out for that recovery or not, well that's up to him. In the meantime, you are wise to look out for yourself. You stay or you can go. It doesn't really matter if he gets mad or not, he is not your keeper (and hey, he will be mad anyway).

What do you want for your life?

Ariesagain

Hi, Macy. I’m glad you’ve joined the forum but I’m so very sorry for what you’re experiencing…and have experienced for 18 long years.

I can’t imagine what it must feel like to have what you wanted for so long actually happen…to have him stop drinking…only to discover that the drinking wasn’t the real problem, it’s the man underneath. That’s really, really rough and you have my sincere sympathy.

To be very clear: this is not you, this is him. He lies, he cheats, he spends absurd amounts of money, he gaslights you, he belittles you, he clearly believes only his feelings matter and yours are to be extinguished…I won’t go on because you know it all too well.

You’ve walked on eggshells and danced around and twisted yourself into a million pretzels trying to come up with the magical combination of words and actions that would suddenly cause him to miraculously stop being a giant butt. Hear this: he’s a giant butt and nothing you do or don’t do, say or don’t say, are or aren’t, is going to change that one tiny bit.

Know that it isn’t you. Never was. Know that this is who he is. Always was. Now…to quote the fabulous Trailmix…what do you want for your life?

P.S. I can’t tell you how much I want to kick that man in the shins for you.

FallenAngelina

In my experience, it is impossible to have a good relationship with an alcoholic who is not in active, full time, ongoing recovery. Unless he is working a program every hour of every day (not simply abstaining from alcohol) he will continue to fall into the same line of thinking that landed him in drinking. It's not about the drinking, it's about the thinking.

Same with us, BTW. Focusing on someone else's drinking and someone else's misbehavior is a dead end street. Focusing on our own thinking is what will take us to new places. Yes, he is all kinds of misbehaving but you can't get mad enough to change that. What you can change is how you think about all of this. Changing how you think about something is what changes your life.

SparkleKitty

Macyc, do you trust him? Has he shown and does he continue to show you that he is worthy of the kind of trust that a healthy, thriving relationship requires?

PeacefulWater12

Welcome, so sorry for the circumstances that bring you here.

My late AH behaved far worse without alcohol than with it. He was off it for a few months and when he picked it back up again, I felt great relief. I share this so hopefully you don't feel so alone. Again so sorry with what you are dealing with.

Is it possible for you to leave him? Escape this abuse?

Macyc

Thanks for the affirmation you guys! Someone said to focus on what I think, not what he says he thinks. When I do that, I don’t feel confused at all. Here’s what I think about his behavior:

I think it’s abusive. I think it’s impossible to have any kind of real communication about important topics and sometimes, even not so important ones.

i need a break from him. From his thoughts. From his way. From the pressure I feel from his energy. Even when he isn’t speaking and all is well, I feel it.

He does nothing outside of his work. And I mean nothing. Doesn’t even hang up his own suit after taking it off.

our youngest was born with a rare genetic syndrome. He can’t walk or talk or sit up or roll over. He doesn’t eat by mouth and so on. He’s one of my greatest pleasures.

with that said, the upset AH can cause is a distraction. It can consume me and that isn’t healthy for me or my kids, especially my son. Because then, I’m distracted and forgetful with things pertaining to him such as his medications and so on. Where I second guess myself like “did I give him his 3:00 meds.” Because I’m on auto pilot after some episodes of AH doing this.

I want to take the kids and go somewhere for one month. Have some distance and peace. To just be.

I do have a question. What is “working a program?” He does go to AA. He has a sponsor. At first, he went to meetings daily, sometimes two a day. Now it’s 4-5 times a week. He’s met with his sponser a few times outside of meetings and says “he talks and talks” and “I guess I should bring something with me, he had a huge binder of things written out” and the like. Now, he says he doesn’t think his sponsor is quite for him. My point is, I don’t know what working a program looks like. I don’t mean to judge AH but he does to meetings. That’s about it as far as I can tell.

I ask him “how was your meeting.” He says fine. Other times he may comment on what someone said in there but not in any deep meaningful way. Mostly like “there was a woman in there today who went on and on about her strung out boyfriend and it took up the hour practically.” Or worse. He doesn’t talk below the surface. If I continue to ask questions, and I’m asking because I’m interested or just trying to connect, he gets annoyed.

I think when he was inpatient. He said a few meaningful things as if he learned something but now it seems those things are used to manipulate. He discovered he has a fear of abandonment. I mean I don’t see it but what do I know. So when I say something like “never mind, I’m finished with this” when his “thing” starts, he says I don’t care about his fear of abandonment or i constantly try to trigger it and I know what I’m doing (in a very harsh way) and that I just want him to fail. Or drink or die. Insert some variation.

velma929

You write you don't want to hug, kiss, or have sex with this man (I wouldn't either) and his treatment of you is poor, so I'm wondering what you're getting out of this marriage.

I suspect my late husband was cheating. I never asked him about it, what would be the point? If he answered no I wouldn't have believed him, if he had answered yes I'd have been angry.

My husband DID in fact out and out accuse me of cheating - exactly once. If he asked over and over, I'd have been pretty peeved. Asking your husband if he's heard from strippers isn't what I'd call it 'checking in.' I'd call it a veiled accusation. And truthfully, THEM calling HIM doesn't make him guilty of anything.

This sounds like a horrible situation. Maybe you're compelled to stay because of financial reasons, but if not, maybe you could consider leaving - not just to get a temporary break, but permanently to get some peace in your life.

Macyc

He’s cheated. No he hasn’t admitted it but it isn’t something I suspect. It is something I know. I don’t need him to admit it. Not once or twice, many times over again. He leads women on and tries to illicit feelings in them, fakes them in return to do so. Has sex. The end. Hooks them and then enjoys the attention of them trying to get his attention again and again. This isn’t an accusation of mine. It’s a pattern of behavior he has.

It is just me checking in. And there is something wrong with them texting him. He has an issue with strip clubs and strippers. Would I believe his answer? Isn’t about his answer more than it’s about being able to discuss it, to be open. Not blaming. They’ve texted him since he’s been home and he’s replied several times. No, I can’t control them texting him or him replying. I can put it on the table and ask. I believe it’s reasonable to expect communication that isn’t that type of rhetoric.

I hug and kiss and have sex with my husband. I don’t feel like doing those things after he’s called me names, blamed me, rewritten reality and so on.

his way is to act like nothing. When he’s over it, I should be. Without any words or resolve. That’s hard for me to do. I don’t have a light switch. In his mind, he believes he’s the one who has something to get over after he does that. So when I can’t when he does, then I have some nerve.

there’s lots of reasons I am with him. Some are even good ones. He isn’t always like this. There’s the time in between. If he were like this all day every day it would be easy to recognize it. He is like this any time it comes to how I feel. He is like this whenever his behavior is called on. Other than that he’s nice. He’s affectionate. He’s charming. At the same time. This side of him does create quite a lot of trauma inside my heart. A heavy weight.

Ariesagain

Macy, I think you should trust your own judgment more. You seem very observant and insightful. Your child’s needs have to come first and it sounds like your husband is more of a burden than any kind of co-parent.

Others that are more versed in AA than I am can speak to the specifics…I do know that someone who is sincerely in recovery isn’t blaming others for his actions or making anyone or anything other than themselves responsible for their own sobriety.

My guess is that your husband tried this on, for whatever reason, and he’s working up to saying it’s not for him and will eventually resume drinking. In the meantime, he’s amped up his abusing and blaming you as his main hobby.

This. Do this. You have a ton on your plate and having to dance attendance on your husband’s moods on top of it has got to be exhausting.

Maybe do some reading about narcissism? Because from what you’ve posted, your husband fits the description.

Trust yourself. Do what you need for your children and for you. Your husband is chronologically an adult and should be able to at least take care of himself, if apparently do nothing else to help you take care of everything else.

I wish you clarity and strength.

Macyc

he’s chronically an adult....

thanks for the reminder. It made me laugh also 🤣🤣🤣

Ariesagain

Some food for thought…

Relationships with narcissists

Macyc

Oh wow!!! Yes, he does those things to An extreme. Not a little. He always interrupts me. Especially when I’m telling him how I feel about something he is doing that isn’t all adoring. He instantly shifts the focus through blaming and telling me I’m horrible and why. He even tells me I don’t feel how I feel. And why. Bottom line is, he tells me he can’t even take it seriously because of “abc”. It’s endless. And I end up confused over what we are even talking about.

but, he interrupts in general it just isn’t as crazy.

he tells me who he is and not a single action backs up his words. His words vs actions are worlds apart but aren’t allowed to make a point there. Ever.

on and on this goes.

Sueby

I’m so sorry, this all sounds very hard to deal with. You sound like you have a lot on your plate.

I totally agree that you should get away for a month. The first few days will be very difficult because you’ll be processing a lot, but I think also not contacting him for this period will help you tremendously. Let him do what he wants and you do what you want, then reevaluate towards the end of the month if you even want to go back.

I do understand what you’re going through and how your feeling are all over the place. One day you feel like you don’t care what he says and does, and the next you’re wondering how you’ll get through the day without breaking down. Take care of you and your kids, he can take care of himself 💕💕

honeypig

Macyc, I want to talk a little about "working a program" versus "going to meetings." My XAH went to meetings also (after pretending to go for a very long time). However, that is ALL he did--he was physically present. The saying is that "sitting in a meeting doesn't mean that you're in recovery any more than sitting in your garage means you're a car." Actually working the program involves digging deeply into yourself, using the 12 steps as a guide. It's hard, humbling, painful work, and someone who's not committed to truly working at recovery isn't going to put up w/the discomfort for very long.

Your A may be going to meetings, but his actions don't show that he is actually working the program. The fact that he's cutting back on his meetings is very likely an indicator that he's about done pretending. My A did the same; he invented all kinds of reasons why he needed to cut out one meeting after another. The one on Tuesday night ran too late, and if he wasn't getting enough sleep, well, that was BAD, right? So of course he had to stop attending that one. Then the one on Friday night interfered with his ability to spend "quality time" with ME, b/c on Friday isn't it nice to make a good supper and watch a movie? Well, of course, and plus, it was all about his desire to spend time with ME, so how could I possibly complain? The Saturday morning one interfered with the routine of household chores, and he wanted to be home to help me with all that, so I wouldn't have to do it myself, so that meeting went by the wayside too. The pattern isn't difficult to see, now that I'm on the outside and have a functioning BS detector again.

I want to clarify: I am BY NO MEANS suggesting that you need to become the Program Police. It's on him. Even asking him how his meeting was might be stepping a toe or two over the line, depending on who you talk to. Early in my own recovery, I wanted some kind of proof that AH was actually going to meetings (after being lied to for a couple of years, I felt understandably skittish about believing him). Folks here and in Alanon told me that that was completely unnecessary. The important thing would be if I saw changes in him. And if I didn't see changes, then it didn't make any difference where he was, really. After all, the desired result wasn't simply that he went somewhere for an hour and listened (or not) to others talking. The desired result was for him to start RECOVERY, and that entails so much more than just not having alcohol in his bloodstream.

One more example: My father's current wife says she is 30 years sober and still attends meetings several times a week (or says she does, anyway). However, she shops compulsively and then lies about it when the bills come. This woman may be sober, but this is NOT recovery. She has simply traded addictions.

So I may have gone somewhat far afield here, but I guess the main point I wanted to make was that it is absolutely possible for an A to be going to meetings, have a sponsor, spend time w/that sponsor, and do other activities that sure LOOK like recovery but still not be actually working the program. The activities can help to foster the inner changes that are recovery, but the activities themselves are not the actual recovery.

Does that help?

ETA: I would strongly suggest that you look into Alanon (which is different from AA) for yourself. In addition to the support and growth this can provide you with, it will also give you an inside view of the Steps and of how your own recovery works. Personally, I much prefer in-person meetings to electronic formats, but between the Covid situation and your special-needs child, you may find you're better off with some type of remote meeting. For me, SR and Alanon were a powerful combination--each had different strengths and they worked very well together. You might find the same.

Macyc

Yes, it helps. Thank you. Then the answer is, no he isn’t working on recovery. At all.

I don’t even know how to talk to him anymore. Not that talking does anything I mean to even talk to tell him something. Even that would be twisted into something it’s not.

to even say “hey I’m taking the kids and going here for several weeks” would get turned into some confusing contorted thing.

so is the answer that I just don’t speak to him? Even to give him information? It’s as if I think I owe it to him to tell him what I’m doing or what I think because I don’t know...... it’s a normal thing to do.

doesn’t even seem it would matter. If I said “I think it’s best you work your recovery. If you don’t, I’m unsure where that leaves room for you in our life.” Because it’s the truth. I don’t know if he doesn’t work on changing his thinking, he has room in my life.


why is that such a bad thing to say? His choice and mine. He works it, I see some changes as far as how he cares for others, maybe it could work. He doesn’t, I don’t see how it can. Is that not the way to see it? Is there another?

could I stay if his thinking stays the same? Which means his treatment of me and others in our home stays the same? I could. I don’t know i would be happy or that we could have the marriage I would prefer. One that is two sided and the like. One where I feel like I receive care also.

trailmix

Yes, it is the normal thing to do, you're right. Another member here, dandylion, mentions often that we are taught what "normal" relationships are, from our own families, other examples we see, tv, society.

The problem being, a relationship with an alcoholic, who is not in recovery, is not normal and never can be. So all that we know gets thrown out the window. He's not on the "normal" relationship plain, you are, hence the conflict there in what you know and what you actually experience and see.

When you share with him, really you are just giving him ammunition.

FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). The fix for this is getting away, getting away from that energy and the attempted destruction of who you are. You know really, it doesn't matter who you are or how you act. If you became the "perfect" wife, Mother, hostess, worker, all things, he would still find fault (I'm sure you already know that). So the (at least) one month away is probably imperative at this point.

Time and distance will give you clarity to decide what it is you want to do. Even though he may be nice sometimes, is that enough? Is it ok to have a partner that kind-of treats you decently when he's in the mood?

No doubt you don't feel safe in your own home. Not safe to feel happy or sad or quiet or noisy or any normal thing, that's just terrible for you and your kiddies.

dandylion

Macy.......from what you share, I see you as living in what is known in psychology and domestic violence terminology as the "Cycle of Abuse".
The times when he is nicer or pours you a dram of "charm"----that is the part of the cycle that keeps you hooked in. Even he knows that if he doesn't disperse you a crumb of civility or affection--that you wouldn't/couldn't tolerate the abuse that was about to come.
Do google the "Cycle of Abuse" and study it---and see for yourself what might apply to your situation.

I can see that you are, personally, dedicated to the basic rules of how to behave in a normal relationship. Those are pretty good rules---which is why we are taught them, as we grow up. But, there is one thing that we are not usually taught about------that there are two situations all topsy turvy. Those two things are ALCOHOLSIM/ADDICTIONS and ABUSE. You have been living with both for about two decades!

From what you have shared with us, I do not believe that the peace that you crave and deserve are to be found in this relationship.

OKRunner

MacyC, you said, "In my life experience, when I care about someone and they care about me, whether it’s a friend or family member etc, when feelings are hurt, an exchange takes place that resolves it. In the moment...... seems it’s something we teach our kids from a young age. So let’s say my friend tells me something I said hurt her feelings, even IF that wasn’t my intention, even IF I had no idea something I said could hurt her feelings because it was a sensitive area for her I couldn’t know, or any variation you can think of, I listen to her....... and I respond from my heart. I may explain that I had no idea, I would speak words that conveyed my care and I would apologize and let her know I would be mindful to not say that again. She accepts what I’m saying. Resolve is found, we move on. And, I stick to my word. Vice versa if it’s the other way around and I’m taking my hurt to another. That’s been my life experience when it comes to such matters. It’s part of showing care and receiving it." (End quote.)

Thank you for saying this. Yes. This has been my life experience too. With my family members, my work colleagues, my friends, even my neighbors. WITH EVERYONE EXCEPT MY Q. So it must be my fault that I can't work like this with my Q. That things can't be turned from misunderstandings to understandings. That things can't be smoothed over.

It took me since October to change that thinking. I no longer think it's my fault. Thank you, God, I have made at least that progress.