New here, need some understanding and guidance
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2021
Posts: 122
He’s assisted to coke no doubt. Alcohol is his first true love. The cocaine came about along with drinking over time. I’m a drug dumb person and it took me a while to catch on to it. I think he started doing it so he could drink more. He’d drink so much he could hardly stand up. Suddenly he’d seem sober (he’d be doing coke).
ive no idea what someone doing coke is like without alcohol so he very well could be doing that on it’s own. I’ve never seen it on him. Idk how i would know. He isn’t out partying anymore.
ive no idea what someone doing coke is like without alcohol so he very well could be doing that on it’s own. I’ve never seen it on him. Idk how i would know. He isn’t out partying anymore.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
From my experience coke addicts normally also abuse alcohol. Alcohol is a depressant & coke is a stimulant. It may sound weird but coke use will help a drunk sober up enough so they can continue partying. Its a viscous cycle type of thing. Alcoholics however dont necessarily do coke.
Unfortunately I was also a drug dumb type person at least when it came to hard drugs (like cocaine) and addiction. I had to learn all about it the hard way. She abused all sorts of drugs including coke & alcohol.
There is a lot written on the web concerning coke addiction. I think if you read it you will find your husband (so to speak). Coke use is hard to identify. There are signs but they dont stand out like the stench of alcohol. She did eventually tell me she used coke, It was not her main drug of choice. But depending on what your into it can be handy to use coke.
After I read about coke addiction & came to understand it, I could always tell when she was high on it. Her face would become stiff like & her upper lip would be tight in appearance. She, in general, would be very careless, all into herself, & have no feelings. I saw it often & I hated her when she was like that.
Unfortunately I was also a drug dumb type person at least when it came to hard drugs (like cocaine) and addiction. I had to learn all about it the hard way. She abused all sorts of drugs including coke & alcohol.
There is a lot written on the web concerning coke addiction. I think if you read it you will find your husband (so to speak). Coke use is hard to identify. There are signs but they dont stand out like the stench of alcohol. She did eventually tell me she used coke, It was not her main drug of choice. But depending on what your into it can be handy to use coke.
After I read about coke addiction & came to understand it, I could always tell when she was high on it. Her face would become stiff like & her upper lip would be tight in appearance. She, in general, would be very careless, all into herself, & have no feelings. I saw it often & I hated her when she was like that.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Texts & calls from caring strippers & caring drug dealers. Yes they do both care but not necessarily about him, they want the money that comes along with him. The only missing piece of the puzzle are calls from gambling bookies & thug type debt collectors. Coke addicts love to gamble even if they are short on money.
Coke addict - no doubt in my mind.
Coke addict - no doubt in my mind.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
You don't have to know what drugs he is or isn't doing in order to know that his behavior is unacceptable to you. To piggyback on FallenAngelina's excellent post, you don't have to figure him out. You have to figure YOU out now, and let him worry about himself.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 136
Originally Posted by Macyc 
It has been traumatic. I can hardly cry anymore. It takes a lot. I love a good cry but I can’t ever get it now. Those times I couldn’t hold it in, during AH verbal lashings or scary drunken rages, tears made him worse. Even after the fact, if I cried when he’d react so hatefully over something.... bam, he got more cruel. Now, I find it hard to cry. I can feel it in the background and it builds but I can’t cry, even when alone.
They don't actually see the irony in that they're emotions are out of control while they're railing at us for being emotional...
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I remember the crazy making conversations I used to have with my now exah. My feelings were completely dismissed, my thoughts were twisted and turned and I would walk away feeling so frustrated and confused. My head would be spinning. I would question myself .... is it me? But I never had that problem when I had a conversation with anybody else so I knew it was him. But overtime, he had beaten me down and I started to question myself more.
I would question...is he clean, is he using, is he sober, does he have a mental illness? What I realized was....his problems were way above my pay grade. The why's just didn't matter anymore. I was not going to allow him to abuse me another day. I started to make my plan.....to escape the miserable life I was living. When I was done, I refused to discuss it with him. I refused to tell him all his faults....all the why's. I just simply kept saying...I want to divorce and we have nothing left to discuss. I was firm on that. To do anything more was a just a chance for him to manipulate more.
Have you considered talking to a lawyer? I think it can very empowering to know your legal rights.
I would question...is he clean, is he using, is he sober, does he have a mental illness? What I realized was....his problems were way above my pay grade. The why's just didn't matter anymore. I was not going to allow him to abuse me another day. I started to make my plan.....to escape the miserable life I was living. When I was done, I refused to discuss it with him. I refused to tell him all his faults....all the why's. I just simply kept saying...I want to divorce and we have nothing left to discuss. I was firm on that. To do anything more was a just a chance for him to manipulate more.
Have you considered talking to a lawyer? I think it can very empowering to know your legal rights.
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Join Date: May 2021
Posts: 122
Best advice ever. I won’t discuss it with him anymore! I do have a lot in me to get out though. To safe people. I haven’t had a voice in so long, at least one that wasn’t talked over, clouded and confused.
it doesn’t matter if he’s using. Or if his addiction is to alcohol or cocaine. An addict is an addict. It doesn’t matter if he’s using or not. In recovery or not. Faking or for real. The bottom line is, he is abusive. He is not a safe person.
and for me? The truth is I do deserve more. I am worth more. And I do have a lot to get out. Just not to him.
it doesn’t matter if he’s using. Or if his addiction is to alcohol or cocaine. An addict is an addict. It doesn’t matter if he’s using or not. In recovery or not. Faking or for real. The bottom line is, he is abusive. He is not a safe person.
and for me? The truth is I do deserve more. I am worth more. And I do have a lot to get out. Just not to him.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Originally Posted by Macyc
aThe truth is I do deserve more. I am worth more. And I do have a lot to get out. Just not to him.
If I speak will I get reprimanded/put down/belittled/ignored/yelled at.
It takes a bit of time to unravel that and thankfully, you now have that peaceful time to get some clarity. It will flashback (sometimes, not for everyone), you are at the beach minding your own business and think, wth was that he said that time, why would anyone say that stupid thing?? I personally find it best not to ignore those questions, I just answer them myself. Maybe not that minute, I might come back to it, I might ask for someone's perspective, but I answer it. Once answered it can be filed away.
The crying, I know exactly what you mean, that was me once. For years. I might be sad but there were no tears, maybe, occasionally one escaped! I decided I just repressed it all (and it certainly showed in my life at the time). Eventually, feeling some freedom, some shift, took that repression away.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2021
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So a memory popped into my head this afternoon. I put it aside and after I got my youngest to bed, I searched a word in my texts with AH to find it. Had to make sure i had it right, to see it again. And I had it right no doubt.
once ah was on a drunken rampage, what’s new you ask? Well this particular time my daughter had yep..... caught it on video. The next day she sent it to him and said “this is what you look like.” Of course he didn’t reply to her, she didn’t care and I didn’t know she did that. He sent me a screen shot and said “see what you do to her? This is how she talks to me. I hope you’re proud of yourself. And I hope you take responsibility for your part in the video.”
the video was of him yelling at me over who knows what. And throwing a bar stool across the kitchen.
all I could do is laugh. He really says that. He hopes I take responsibility for my part in his behavior. I made him do it. 🤣🤣🤣🤣
cannot make it up. It’s right out of a book. Abuser 101
once ah was on a drunken rampage, what’s new you ask? Well this particular time my daughter had yep..... caught it on video. The next day she sent it to him and said “this is what you look like.” Of course he didn’t reply to her, she didn’t care and I didn’t know she did that. He sent me a screen shot and said “see what you do to her? This is how she talks to me. I hope you’re proud of yourself. And I hope you take responsibility for your part in the video.”
the video was of him yelling at me over who knows what. And throwing a bar stool across the kitchen.
all I could do is laugh. He really says that. He hopes I take responsibility for my part in his behavior. I made him do it. 🤣🤣🤣🤣
cannot make it up. It’s right out of a book. Abuser 101
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Join Date: Feb 2021
Location: USA
Posts: 92
Hi Macy. So sorry you're going through this. So much excellent advice given by the other members here. They are smart cookies! It definitely sounds like he has narcissistic traits and this has hallmarks of an abusive relationship. It amounts to a lot of stress, staying in such a relationship. Its a never ending mind game that disturbs you to your soul. One thing I have learnt, the hard way - such behavior will never get better, only worse. Until you take action. You are entitled to live a better life. I urge you to check out this resource by Lundy Bancroft: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. It is a very interesting thing to read. No person in this world has the right to hurt you, physically or emotionally. The sooner you walk away the sooner and faster you can heal.
Sending you healing prayers and comforting hugs.
Sending you healing prayers and comforting hugs.
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Join Date: Oct 2020
Posts: 143
Oh, Macy, my heart breaks for your hurt. I am sorry you are going through this pain. Thank you very much for sharing what is unhelpful that friends may say (e.g., "At least he doesn't hit you"). I want to be sure I never, ever say anything like this to a friend who is struggling with an A/Q and this is helpful. You take great care and enjoy your beautiful, intelligent self and your beautiful, intelligent daughter. It sounds like your daughter hasn't fallen very far from her amazing mama tree. <3
Trailmix, thank you so much for posting that link with that article. I hadn't read it before. Wow. Wow. It is spot on for me. The last two paragraphs (copied and pasted below in italics) are so spot on to literally/exactly/actually/verbatim everything I've experienced. I don't know if any of you remember my first post here back in October 2020. I said something to all of you like (paraphrased), "After spending hours doing research about how to gently confront my ABF about his drinking, I gently said I missed him and all the wonderful things we used to do together (keeping it to "I" statements (about me) and not "blame" statements (about him) per the guidance I found online. I said how much I cared about him and how much I admired all of his amazing traits/qualities (hardest worker ever, smart beyond belief, perceptive, etc.) and gently said I could help him if he wanted. He responded by saying that what I said was "not friend like" and that I "was not any type of friend."" Then he went silent for about a month. Then about a month later when he resumed contact, said I was "judging him without the facts" and that my beliefs about him were "false."
Read the language below that was in the article you linked us to. It's identical. Down to the exact words used by my AXBF in bold. Also read the last underlined part. Yes. Since this relationship, I experience fear, anger, confusion, and depression.
The addict's delusions that he is harming neither himself nor others by his addictive behaviors; that he is in control of his addiction rather than vice versa; that his addiction is necessary or even useful and good for him; that the circumstances of his life justify his addiction; that people who indicate concern about him are enemies and not friends, and all other such beliefs which are patently and transparently false to everyone but himself, are seldom correctable by reason or objective data and thus indicate the presence of genuinely psychotic thinking which, if it is more subtle than the often grotesque delusions of the schizophrenic, is by virtue of its very subtlety often far more insidious and dangerous to the addict and those with whom he comes into contact. For in the case of the delusional schizophrenic most people are quickly aware that they are dealing with someone not in their right mind - but in the case of the equally or at times even more insane addict, thinking that is in fact delusional may be and commonly is misattributed to potentially remediable voluntary choices and moral decisions, resulting in still more confusion and muddying of the already turbulent waters around the addict and his addiction.
In many cases the addict responds to negative feedback from others about his addiction by following the maxim of "Attack the attacker." Those who confront or complain about the addict's irrational and unhealthy behaviors are criticized, analyzed and dismissed by the addict as untrustworthy or biased observers and false messengers. Their own vulnerabilities may be ruthlessly exposed and exploited by the addict in his desperate defense of his addiction. In many cases, depending upon their own psychological makeup and the nature of their relationship to the addict, they themselves may begin to manifest significant psychological symptoms. Emotional and social withdrawal, secrecy, fear and shame can cause the mental health of those closely involved with addicts to deteriorate. Almost always there is fear, anger, confusion and depression resulting from repeated damaging exposures to the addict's unhealthy and irrational behaviors and their corresponding and supporting private reality.
Trailmix, thank you so much for posting that link with that article. I hadn't read it before. Wow. Wow. It is spot on for me. The last two paragraphs (copied and pasted below in italics) are so spot on to literally/exactly/actually/verbatim everything I've experienced. I don't know if any of you remember my first post here back in October 2020. I said something to all of you like (paraphrased), "After spending hours doing research about how to gently confront my ABF about his drinking, I gently said I missed him and all the wonderful things we used to do together (keeping it to "I" statements (about me) and not "blame" statements (about him) per the guidance I found online. I said how much I cared about him and how much I admired all of his amazing traits/qualities (hardest worker ever, smart beyond belief, perceptive, etc.) and gently said I could help him if he wanted. He responded by saying that what I said was "not friend like" and that I "was not any type of friend."" Then he went silent for about a month. Then about a month later when he resumed contact, said I was "judging him without the facts" and that my beliefs about him were "false."
Read the language below that was in the article you linked us to. It's identical. Down to the exact words used by my AXBF in bold. Also read the last underlined part. Yes. Since this relationship, I experience fear, anger, confusion, and depression.
The addict's delusions that he is harming neither himself nor others by his addictive behaviors; that he is in control of his addiction rather than vice versa; that his addiction is necessary or even useful and good for him; that the circumstances of his life justify his addiction; that people who indicate concern about him are enemies and not friends, and all other such beliefs which are patently and transparently false to everyone but himself, are seldom correctable by reason or objective data and thus indicate the presence of genuinely psychotic thinking which, if it is more subtle than the often grotesque delusions of the schizophrenic, is by virtue of its very subtlety often far more insidious and dangerous to the addict and those with whom he comes into contact. For in the case of the delusional schizophrenic most people are quickly aware that they are dealing with someone not in their right mind - but in the case of the equally or at times even more insane addict, thinking that is in fact delusional may be and commonly is misattributed to potentially remediable voluntary choices and moral decisions, resulting in still more confusion and muddying of the already turbulent waters around the addict and his addiction.
In many cases the addict responds to negative feedback from others about his addiction by following the maxim of "Attack the attacker." Those who confront or complain about the addict's irrational and unhealthy behaviors are criticized, analyzed and dismissed by the addict as untrustworthy or biased observers and false messengers. Their own vulnerabilities may be ruthlessly exposed and exploited by the addict in his desperate defense of his addiction. In many cases, depending upon their own psychological makeup and the nature of their relationship to the addict, they themselves may begin to manifest significant psychological symptoms. Emotional and social withdrawal, secrecy, fear and shame can cause the mental health of those closely involved with addicts to deteriorate. Almost always there is fear, anger, confusion and depression resulting from repeated damaging exposures to the addict's unhealthy and irrational behaviors and their corresponding and supporting private reality.
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