wishinghigh1

Here I am again posting in this wonderful forum for advice. After my last post I have read co- pendant no more which helped a little. Im planning on attending my first al anon meeting tomorrow.
Things have been a little better, my bf has taken a lot on board and cut down his cocaine consumption drastically. We're still having ups and downs in regards to his drinking however. As I said I'm my last post he is a happy affectionate drunk, but I struggle dealing with the fact he is different, and also don't see the point in having conversations he won't remember

A boundary I have set is that I don't want to talk to him when he's drinking wine. If he drinks wine when I'm with him i will go home (I broke this last week and ended up staying then barely slept after he passed out next to me - I've told him that was the last time and I will leave even if he's had one glass in future as it never stops at one)

If he texts or calls and I know he's been drinking I will tell him we can talk the next day once he's sober.

What I'm struggling with is knowing when he has been drinking over the phone or by text. It can be hard to tell sometimes and without constantly asking him if he's been drinking how can I enforce this boundary without sounding like the booze police? I feel like I'm constantly on guard wondering is he/ isn't he. I feel like my boundary is being crossed if I don't know and fall into the trap of talking to him then feel disappointed with myself.

PeacefulWater12

Hello Wishing HIgh

Glad you read Co-dependent No More. I found it really helpful also Al-anon was very good.

Goodness me all of that sounds exhausting. Are you sure you want to get involved with all of this?? It seems an awful lot of work for you.

Is he worth it? Maybe you would be better to focus on yourself and building a healthy life for you. One that you can enjoy.

I was with an addict/drinker for about 15 years. It doesn't get better, it gets worse.

You refer to him as your boyfriend and from what you write, it doesn't seem like you live together. I would gently encourage you to remove him from your life. Protect yourself.

Perhaps have a read around this board and you will hopefully get a picture of what life with an addict is like.

I write all of this from a place of kindness.

wishinghigh1

Thanks Peaceful water for your reply

Yes, I know.. it is getting to the point that something needs to happen, I've done so much reading, I think I might be partly in denial. Its harder as he is so lovely when he's drunk so I'm not even sure why it bothers me so much, he is high functioning (a stage, I know) and although having at least one drink most days only gets drunk a couple of times a week (only! I do know how that sounds)

I want to try Al anon as a last resort, if nothing else for me, and to work on how i keep finding myself in these kind of relationships

We don't live together and due to kids/ life circumstances don't intend to for years. He is the kindest, loveliest most considerate man I have ever met, which is why I think I'm hanging in there to see if we can overcome this, he has said on several occasions he will seek help. I guess I'm still holding onto hope at this point

PeacefulWater12

I also used to get attracted to men with the same traits over and over, like you mention. I was basically reproducing the dynamics I grew up in. Al-anon and other recovery work helped me change that.

I hope you do what is best for you and the children involved.

As far as what he says, as you no doubt know words mean nothing, it is consistent actions that make a difference.

Take care.

trailmix

Hi wishing. There is no "we" in addiction. Well there is, the addict and his drug of choice. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).

I hear your conflict. You know if he is texting you or calling you after a glass of wine and you don't know, does it even matter? Sounds to me like the important thing you have brought up with your boundary is that you don't want to talk to someone who is impaired by alcohol. If you can't tell, doesn't matter (in this case). This is just my opinion but asking him all the time if he has had a drink isn't good for you.

I read your post from back in 2017. He isn't getting help, not now, maybe never. His long time girlfriend just told him that she can't even talk to him when he's been drinking and so he hurried to rehab to fix his life! Quit drinking. Made sure when she was around or in contact he was sober.

Or none of the above.

His alcohol and drugs have a hold on him that you are not going to break. Now, you have two options really. Accept him just the way he is (with your boundaries if you like) or leave the relationship.

Hope is fruitless. You could always revisit the relationship later if you want, say after a year of sobriety, assuming he ever goes that route, but he is who he is, right now, today. You worrying about him and holding out hope is only hurting you. He's fine, he has his coke and wine. Someone said something in a thread yesterday I think it was, which is so true. Addicts (generally) try to change their environment and those around them, rather than addressing the addiction. He wants you to be just who you have been. No matter the emotional cost to you.

Only you can decide if that is for you.

Freedom1990

You could line up 10 men to choose from, and I would pick the sickest one every time! I was 9 years clean/sober when I finally hit a bottom on relationships with men. I made a commitment to not date or live with a man until I had worked on myself and sought the truth on why I picked such toxic relationships. It was a long journey, but so worth it. If you aren't tired of reading, pick up a copy of "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. It opened up my eyes. It was painful as I read, yet also so freeing for me. I wish you the best in your future. Warm hugs from Kansas!

trailmix

The thread I was mentioning is here: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ml#post7626427 (need advice again, he’s asking for a second chance)

comewhatmay

Hey wishinghigh1. I'm sorry you're going through this. I’ve been in that situation, VERY hard to set boundaries with people in active addiction. It literally hurts less banging your head into a wall! Most frustrating thing in the world. You can’t get through to them. They will not talk about things unless they are controlling the subject matter. They completely deny everything. You explain how you feel and they flip it that you’re ranting at them. If they can not defend themselves they will instantly scold you for lack of trust. There was a time I believed that I could set boundaries with my ex fiancé...wish I’d saved myself all the stress in trying. I only blame myself, but it took years for me to realize that I was fighting a losing battle. I finally got the courage to leave the situation, for my own peace of mind.

The other members who have replied have made some excellent points. 100% truth right there!!! Protect your peace, at all costs! Please trust that this situation will likely never change or get better for you. Doesn't matter whether you give your all, you will be disappointed and emotionally drained. I would consider perhaps removing yourself from this relationship. Being alone is intimidating, but I absolutely promise you, the relief of not having to deal with dysfunctional behavior more than compensates for the loneliness you might feel at first. I lost years of my life dealing with dysfunction. My heart was blind it only saw love, it blinded me to the truth. Almost lost myself, my spirit, until I finally saw the light and said goodbye. To fix someone that was broken I allowed myself to get broken.

You won’t win, you’ll only lose yourself by staying longer. You sound like a pure-hearted person, you should put yourself first. You deserve sober interactions that he clearly isn’t willing to give. If he’s shown you this behavior over and over, this is who he is to you. A happy relationship with an addict is damn near impossible. I learnt this the hard way. Wishing you strength and happiness.

wishinghigh1

Thankyou all so much for taking the time to reply, lots of food for thought

Trailmix the post from 2017 was in another relationship, this new guy I have been with for 10 months now and he is no where near as bad, to the point I sometimes wonder if his drinking is as much of a problem as I make it out to be, sigh. gaslighting myself? perhaps.

The boundary issue is so confusing to me, so we try and set boundaries but it seems they can also be futile.

In regards to leaving him, I'm not quite there yet, I'm hoping al anon will help me explore all of this further before I make any decisions. This guy is the nicest most caring individual, I've never been in a relationship with someone so lovely and with so many redeeming qualities, which makes it so much harder to think that the way his drinking makes me feel could be the thing to end it. I truly do hear what you are all saying, I will give it more time and keep working on myself for now, perhaps i am only delaying the inevitable

HardLessons

WH1

If you dont live with him how do you know he drastically cut down on his coke consumption? If he snorts coke that use is pretty easy to hide. Based on my experience, if he was a heavy coke user & still does coke, more thank likely he hasnt cut back Hes still doing coke you just dont know about it. Coke addicts arent good about moderating anything.

Finally, alcoholic coke addicts arent known for having a good moral compass. You can fill in those blanks.

SparkleKitty

Boundaries aren't a "we" thing. They are a "you" thing. And they are definitely not futile. Rules, on the other hand, are.

A boundary is a guideline for what YOU will do in the event of an unacceptable circumstance, as opposed to rules you are asking others to abide by. Boundaries are on you to maintain--that's why they work (or why they fail--but even then it is not someone else causing the failure, it's still on you)

An example of a boundary is, "I will not get in a car with a driver who has been drinking." In this case, it's not up to others to drink or not drink to maintain your boundary. It's up to you to make sure you have an alternate means of getting somewhere in the event the person who is supposed to drive has been drinking.

In your case, you don't want to talk to someone who has been drinking. Since you're not clairvoyant and you can't be 100% sure whether or not he's been drinking when you're texting or on the phone with him, then you may want to re-state your boundary to encompass exactly what it is you don't like about talking to a drunk person, e.g., "I will not engage with someone who isn't listening to me, is slurring their speech so much I can't understand them, or is repeating the same things over and over again." If any of those things happen, you end the conversation.

It's tempting to want to use boundaries to try to control another person's behavior and steer them away from doing things we don't like or think is good for them, but we get a lot further from focusing on our own behavior, and making firm commitments to ourselves about what behavior we will or won't put up with. As the saying goes, "Boundaries are where you end, and I begin."

trailmix

Sorry I read your old thread by mistake.

Yes, people can be lovely when not drunk (and even when drunk) but if either of those is unacceptable, as it is to you - boundaries can help but as SK pointed out, you can't tell, sometimes, in this case.

These two things you said:

You are second guessing yourself, because you don't want this to be the way it is? That's pretty normal and I think it's great that you are going to take some time to really sort this out and get involved in Al Anon.

For the first comment, let's pretend he only ever drank 1 glass of wine a night. That's not much, but it makes him tipsy and you just want him to be "normal" and find it annoying. Not an alcoholic, by most standards, not even problem drinking, but not good for you. That's enough reason right there for your concern, amount of drinking is kind of beside the point (although it makes it much more obvious).

Yes, it's terrible to think that you would have to give up this, otherwise good, relationship because of his drinking and drug use. But it happens every day. He's not a glass of wine guy, he's a guy who drinks pretty much every day and tops that off with coke.

That's the reality and I think that is important to keep looking at. Don't second guess yourself in to believing all is well, go with your gut?

FallenAngelina

AlAnon is a great place to explore how we show up in relationships. Nobody will tell you what you should do. Nobody will tell you to stay in or to leave your relationship. It's all about you and your unfolding path. Each meeting place has its own vibe, so try out a few of them. You'll know the right one when you leave feeling better and you look forward to going back.

PeacefulWater12

I also very strongly recommend "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood.

I smiled at the comment about picking the sickest man out of a line up!! I hear you. Oh yessss, that was me as well. My body would kind up pick up their vibes like a radar!