case762

This is incredibly insightful! One of my biggest beefs with this whole thing is that I feel that despite how hard I've been trying and how long I've loved her, I'm not allowed "in" with what's going on with her recovery. By the end of the day of classes, and talking to her friends (some good, some obviously bad), she's too tired to talk and it's all very small chit-chat. Then the thing happened with the guy and the feeling that she never had time for me, but did for this guy, really is what eats at me. And what everyone is saying here is probably more the case. While she was telling me one thing about this being serious for her, the reality was that she wasn't taking it seriously and fooling around.

But I hear what you're saying, and I do believe, especially now, many of her connections are very deep and good for her. Her roommate has become like a sister to her and I'm thankful that their relationship is growing as I can only hope the relationship with that knucklehead is falling away.

I could be very wrong about this, and this is with full recognition that I'm struggling with codependence, but I am getting the sense that she has recommitted to this process. This incident, regardless of what happens between her and me, may have been a Come-to-Jesus moment. I see this because I see her relationship with her roommate becoming a very healthy thing for her now. Her speech is different and there's a "gravity" to the way she describes things. She also recently had to go to the hospital for abdominal pain, suspecting it could have been appendicitis (the hits just keep coming). Thankfully, turns out it was just an ovarian cyst. As she was alone and in pain in the hospital, I could tell something snapped her back to reality. Maybe it was a glimpse of what her life is going to look like if she doesn't take this seriously, alone and in pain. We'll see.

case762

To answer your question, no, I don't have support other than this forum. I've signed on to Al-Anon but the time change where I'm at makes it very difficult. I've reached out to therapists back home hoping for online meetings but they say they can't help me until I'm back. To add to the complications of everything, she will be discharged there 10 days before I return home. My father is watching my house and she will want to come back, leaving my father to keep an eye on her. I told him to just observe, don't get involved.

I just don't know what else to do. I'm physically not home prior to her return, I have animals on the property and my 75-year old father is having a hard time keeping up. We're starting to talk about boundaries and expectations. Her work will grant her a 90-day extension of leave so she can continue her recovery. I think the best I can do is demand those 90-days be a total commitment on her part to recovery. Any implosions or slip-ups and she's out, no questions asked, blocked number and all, and her physical possessions go into storage. After 90 days, then it's a year of continued recovery before we make any further plans as a couple.

Anyway, thank you everyone for the insight. I take it seriously. But as you all know, as the loved one, the actions are always harder than the words.

AlwaysGrowing

Case
Do you really think this GOD / Control / dictatorship will work? I'm sure that alcoholism will straighten right up.

All 'sort of joking' aside, I'd pay more attention and effort to your own side of the street where you can control and make decisions. I think everyone has tried to stress this but it's bigger and stronger than you are. You have no idea what you are dealing with and that's ok. Just be open to learning and knowing you can't control her. Just not going to happen. Many stronger have tried.

So you say things have turned around? How old is she? How long does it take for a person to truly make changes in their life? Now, add active addiction to that. Things to ponder and be honest with yourself.

AG

case762

You're right, I have to step out of the role of "dictating" to her what's going to happen. I'm already not in control and shouldn't want to be. It's just the logistical aspect of the fact she will be back before I am and all her property is under my roof. I guess what I'm really saying is I can't block her out of the house until I get home. But I can when I am home. Maybe a miracle happens and she really is committed to this. I'm guessing I'm gonna know within the first few minutes I walk in that door. Maybe sooner if my dad observes anything. If the miracle doesn't happen, then....bye.

As you say in your signature, "sober by the grace of god." I'm not a religious person but I am praying that His grace is on her now.

AlwaysGrowing

Case
My 1st wife was an alcoholic. So, not only have I lived it with kids but I've been sober and around a while. I TOTALLY get the wanting, wishing, praying, and crossing fingers. Odds with her very recent behavior are so so so slim.

AG

trailmix

Yes, the actions are harder than the words, you're right.

Boundaries are things you put in place for yourself, not for other people (so not demands). Demanding her adherence is a rule. She now knows what recovery should be, she'll figure it out (or choose not to).

So for instance, demanding she make a total commitment etc, those are just that, demands and rules. You do/act this way or you won't get this or that/ultimatum. An example of a boundary is, I won't live with my GF unless she appears, to me, to be totally committed to recovery. If she does not appear (to me) to be, I will ask her to move out within 1 day. See the difference? Now it's your perception and how you see what's going on, and you decide what will happen if your boundary is not met, not making a rule she must follow. It doesn't actually require her to "do" anything in particular, you are not asking her for anything, you are deciding what your boundary is.

Now with boundaries you choose whether you share that information with another person. In this instance, it would be kind to do that, I think, so she knows what's up.

An example of a boundary you might not share with other people is, I require that people treat me with kindness or I will choose not to be around them.

Anyway, I hope that's helpful.

dandylion

case......what happened to the idea of her going to a sober house after rehab? It seems to me that that would make a lot of sense---especially, since you are going to be away from your own home for a while.

comewhatmay

[QUOTE=AlwaysGrowing;7637985]Case
I think everyone has tried to stress this but it's bigger and stronger than you are. You have no idea what you are dealing with and that's ok. Just be open to learning and knowing you can't control her. Just not going to happen. Many stronger have tried.


This right here. 100%. Perfectly said. This is the sad truth.

Ariesagain

What Dandylion said! Your father would be in a tough position for the time before you arrived home. If she starts drinking (or that rehab romance or his married girlfriend find her again), he’s going to have to choose whether to tell you and he’d be in the middle or he might even be in physical danger. That rehab guy sounds like a real piece of work.

From the sounds of things, your dad has enough on his plate. Telling the girlfriend to go to a sober house for two weeks seems like the best plan for a lot of reasons, not least because “no” is such a good way to evaluate where her recovery really is.

HardLessons

Put her up in a hotel until you return. Based on whats been happening in rehab, she will appreciate having a hotel room. Dont dump this mess on 75 year old dad.

case762

First of all, I want to say this forum and the people on here are such a blessing. I've been reading a lot of the threads on here and I've learned so much. It's pretty clear I'm a codependent. And it's pretty clear that my codependency will most likely lead me into the same hornet's nest that so many other people have walked into. In fact, it already has. But a few success stories have given me hope. But that's not to say I won't walk into this without protecting myself and protecting my children. As I'm starting to turn to my own codependency problem, and reading so many similar stories, I'm starting to realize what I deserve and how I deserve to be treated, and how my children deserve to be treated.

While I don't fully grasp the mind of an addict, the realization of how they behave has almost frightened me more for the fact that I didn't see it. But I see it now and it's mind-blowing. At least I feel I have a baseline. I'll admit, and this might be against all advice, but I'm not ready to give up yet. I see a glimmer of hope in what she's doing and the changes happening. But I can't be a part of it anymore. This is her journey. If my boundaries, spoken or unspoken, are crossed, then she has to go. And it's perfectly reasonable to ask her to be in sober living until I come home. That's 10 days. That's not hard to do if she's taking it seriously. As HardLessons said, no reason to dump this on my 75-year old dad.

Eauchiche

Brother, this is the wisest thing you have said in the entire thread. I know my edit changed the focus of your post, but this is the essence of codependents trying to find a mate: we are attracted to people who are unavailable.
At this stage in my recovery, people who I find really hot as relationship material are automatically suspect. Unfortunately, I have been right 100% of the time. I just ride out the attraction until it dies down and I get balanced again.
So, I live alone and focus on my own health and recovery. This doesn't mean I am alone, however. I am surrounded by a network of healthy like-minded people that I would have written off in the old days, because I couldn't fix them.

In your previous posts, you inferred that you either have a choice of letting your girlfriend move back in, or making your 75 year old father take care of your animals. We codependents are notorious for limiting ourselves to a few no-win choices. The fact is, we have MANY more choices available that would work.

dandylion

case......this might sound like a trivial point, but the words that we use when we talk to ourselves, matters. When we do what is right for our own welfare----it is not "giving up"------think of it as "letting go". Letting go of that which is destructive.

In case you have not already done so---I suggest that you read the most recommended book on this forum. "Co-dependent No More". It is an easy read and I think that soo much will resonate with you. You can get a copy of it on kindle, if it is not available where you are deployed to. You can get it on amazon.com.

HardLessons

Case

Based on your glimmer of hope, if she does return to your home & the glimmer of hope doesnt work out, you might want to check with an attorney. Im not sure what state you live in, but your AGF may have "tenant legal rights" & it might not be so easy to get her out. Especially if she doesnt want to leave.

I could be wrong, but I doubt you have any written agreement in place which spells out under what circumstances she can be evicted from your home.

Ariesagain

Wow, Eauchiche. That’s an incredible insight and one that never occurred to me. It certainly applies to my history!

trailmix

This is a huge step for you case and well done. I think it's great that you have been reading around the forum and can see the similarities in your situation. That's half the battle right there you know (really more than half!).

I really like your idea of the 2 weeks in sober living, that will hopefully be welcome by her. Not as penance, but as a way of furthering her recovery and to start to see how life is lived on life's terms, with other sober addicts.

I agree with dandylion very much when she says it's important how we talk to ourselves. It's not giving up, it truly is letting go of the outcome. It will be however it will be. You have no more control over what she thinks or decides than anyone else and truly, why would you want to. It's important to accept people just the way they are.

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).

OKRunner

Eauchiche, I'm curious as someone whose been trying to stay in my own lane and stop controlling/fixing people since about October 2020, when I joined SR. At some point, does one who displays co-dependent tendencies start finding people who don't need fixing attractive? Meaning, will we start finding people who have their stuff together attractive? I hope so?

Eauchiche

I believe so. I know many people who have found mates, sometimes in AA, and had a successful marriage.
In my case, I am working on being okay by myself.

velma929

Well, yes, I can tell you from experience that happens. However, being human, the temptation is *very great* to change the annoying characteristics of a new partner -- one who say, collects things and doesn't organize them or even look at them, for instance. And then I realize that threatening or manipulating someone into doing this or that is wrong. I can set boundaries: "We need X space in the closet for clothes" for instance. I can't *make* anyone do anything, and yelling "Take care of this or I'm throwin' it out" is mean if I threaten it, and meaner if I do it.

And I understand I'm not always easy to live with, either.

FallenAngelina

Brilliant.