seekingcalm

Day after Mother's Day...week after my birthday...almost 3 years since I have seen my son. I hate to label, but when he drinks, he drinks too much, and that switch we are all too familiar with goes off, and he becomes someone I don't know and don't really like. I always love him, always will...of course. He is my son. My daughter shared with me that she texted him the day after my birthday...have you been in touch with mom for her birthday?...he replied, " no, it's hard to explain, don't ask me again...maybe someday I will explain". First time she has questioned him in all this time...she and her dad walk on eggshells around him on the rare occasions they see or speak with him.

My heart hurt, and I thought about what she shared the rest of yesterday...what could his reason possibly be?, but I woke up this morning after a good night's sleep, and I thought to myself...if anyone is unsure as to why he no longer has anything to do with me, why he ignores all communication attempts, and hasn't been in touch all this time...it's very simple. They just need to do what I did...I pointed out that the more he drinks, the nastier he becomes, boy did that make him mad!...and they will also be cut out of his life. My daughter, and her father continue to play his denial game that there is nothing wrong...their brother and son is just, you know how he can be.

As heartbreaking as it is to be shut out, I really don't miss my son the way he was with me in recent years...I miss who he could be..what we could have. I want what I never really had, and that is sad. But I know that there is no explanation that he can give honestly as to why he is out of touch with me, at least not as long as he is still actively drinking...and today I am calm, and as always, hopeful that he will someday seek recovery, and health, and that we will have a good relationship.

My heart goes out to all the loved ones of alcoholics, and today especially to the mothers...may you find peace in the space our alcoholic children leave behind. xoxo

dandylion

seekiingcalm.....I am so grateful, for you---that you can realize that you are better without his physical presence than to live in the mistreatment of you.

PeacefulWater12

Thank you for posting about this, I agree that sometimes as upsetting as it is, it is far better if they cut us out of their lives.

Less damaging to us. Sending understanding and hugs to you.

D122y

Addiction is fierce. Addicts have to want to quit more than anything else because quitting hurts like hell for a long long long time. Years.

Many folks never make it out. SR has been my major tool for therapy and support.

Thanks for the prayers as well. I don't communicate with my Mom much either. She is into a weird religion, to me, and her husband is sort of like her God. He has all the power in the relationship and my Mom is allowed to do her thing, but he pretty much is like her master.

I don't want to upset the apple cart there any more, so I just stay away. They don't invite me over either, so I figure it is what He wants.

My Mom drinks and I am pretty sure she is on anti depressants or pain pills as well. Not a good situation to walk into for me.

So sort of a different spin, but I can relate.

It seems like you love your son more than my Mom loves me.

Hopefully, that makes you feel a little better.

Thanks.

seekingcalm

D122y, your mom and my son are just not able to love fully the way that you seem to, and the way that you feel I do, simply because they drink too much, or use drugs to function...it's just not possible for them. I always say that until my son learns to love himself, he will not be able to fully love anyone else in a meaningful way. He's a loner...he seems to know this.
We never imagine that people we were so close to for so long could be out of our lives, and it's hard to grieve properly that loss because it doesn't feel as final as a death would. But one day at a time, focusing on the good relationships we have with friends and family that are healthy, we count our blessings and we carry on.
My best to you...your mom loves you...I am sure of it, just as I know my son loves me.