Struggling with an alcoholic brother-in-law

Old 04-26-2021, 02:30 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2021
Posts: 1
Question Struggling with an alcoholic brother-in-law

Hi,

I don't have much experience dealing with alcoholics and am at a loss about what to do. My partner and I have been together for seven years and have a little girl together. Two years ago we moved to France, which is where my partner's family lives and this is where the troubles started. There are serious alcohol and substance abuse issues that run in his family: his dad had died from alcoholism-related disease and his two brothers are alcoholics. An year ago, my partner agreed to take in his older brother in, in order to relieve his mom, who has been taking care of him after his wife kicked him out for cheating. He stayed on our couch, watching TV and drinking 24/7, while my partner was filing job applications and searching for an apartment for him. Needless to say, my brother-in-law did not manage to find a permanent job. And I began to feel increasingly resentful. I have no idea what he was like before the alcohol, but now he is just not a nice person at all. He comes across as lying, manipulative, sexist, homophobic, egocentric and racist. Not to mention never cleaning after himself and shouting around the apartment, while the kid is sleeping. He did not and does not want to stop drinking or go to rehab, so everyone just pretends that everything is alright and he just keeps on drinking. Eventually, after half an year and countless arguments between me and my partner, he moved to an apartment nearby, rented and paid for by his mom. He was recently admitted to hospital and is now unable to live alone, so I see no other option than taking him back in. The thing is that I still feel resentful, I feel like I am losing control over my life and I just feel like a nasty human being for not wanting to live with him. Which is made worse by the fact that whenever I bring my concerns up, my partner feels like I am attacking him. I understand that he wants to help his brother but I feel like he is enabling him instead. I am also worried about my daughter having to grow up in such a toxic environment. What can I do? How can I stop these negative feelings and be more supportive towards my brother-in-law? He is nearly at his death bed and I am so wrapped up in my own negative emotions that I find it difficult to even feel pity. Am I just a ****** human being? How can you support someone who now needs care when he won't stop drinking? I apologize for the long post/rant, any advice is welcome!
kalinka123 is offline  
Old 04-26-2021, 03:21 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
velma929's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,540
If your partner's sibling doesn't want to stop, he won't. End of story.

You're not married? I would separate my finances as best I could, take the child, and move out. Co-parent the child in a civil manner. The longer you stay together, the more entwined your lives will be.

Your partner *should* have the best interests of his partner and child at the top of his priorities. He doesn't. Your child is learning that this is normal, and that "lying, manipulative, sexist, homophobic, egocentric and racist" are acceptable traits. BIL does not have an issue with his drinking. His mother doesn't have an issue with it, his brother doesn't have an issue with it. YOU do. In his family, this is normal behavior, and your daughter is learning it is, too.

Compassion isn't the same as being a doormat.

How do you support someone who won't stop drinking? Gee, stop buying booze for someone that can't function on his own would be #1, if he can be detoxed safely. If it's that important, don't have alcohol in the house. Don't pretend that this is normal.

You feelings and intuition are normal. Your MIL and partner likely think of themselves as compassionate saviors of this chap, even while they help him self-destruct. I can bet what their attitude is: "His wife and friends have abandoned him, but we can't! We won't! he's family and this is what family does."

Not all families.
velma929 is offline  
Old 04-26-2021, 03:57 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
PeacefulWater12's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Your instincts are right. Your reactions perfectly normal and reasonable. Please protect yourself and your child.
PeacefulWater12 is offline  
Old 04-26-2021, 05:17 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Blue Belt
 
D122y's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Your child doesn't deserve this.

Neither of you do.

But, if you love your partner so much, that if you leave you will be miserable, then stay.

You understand that the environment is toxic and could turn violent.

You and your child are victims. Your child more so.

Thanks.
D122y is offline  
Old 04-26-2021, 05:31 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
SparkleKitty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,448
Your partner comes from a dysfunctional family system that is built and designed protecting the addiction, and protecting the addict from the consequences of not-fighting their addiction. Unfortunately, this makes you and your daughter outsiders to a very unhealthy ecosystem that will fight irrationally to protect itself.

Everyone involved here has choices, except your daughter, even though to it feels like they do not. You cannot control what other people choose to do, you can only control yourself. Your daughter needs an advocate here or she will be wrapped up in the dysfunction along with the rest of them.

Is it possible your partner would consent to family counseling? You all need a safe, moderated space (preferably with a counselor versed in addiction) where you can talk about how his brother's addiction affects all of you.

You are in no way a terrible person for not wanting to live like this. You just haven't spent your entire life thinking this is normal, or "what you do" for family. His family is not helping this brother or his other addicted brother, just like they weren't helping his father before he died. It is the easier way to just give in and be miserable rather than fight the tide that wants you to let your life and your daughter's life revolve around the addict who continually causes messes and expects others to bail them out of it, but not giving in is the only way to stop this generational dysfunction from destroying more lives.
SparkleKitty is offline  
Old 04-26-2021, 11:42 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
trailmix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,565
I will also chime in with the same, look out for you and your child. You are absolutely correct, this does have a BIG impact on your child (and you too of course). If you just look at it from the outside, it has turned your lives upside down. You were probably a happy couple just living your lives and getting along? Now you are arguing and your child is seeing all this and the drunk Brother.

I'm sorry for his troubles and situation as I am sure you are but as is said around here, you don't light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

It is worth considering moving out if he is expected to move back in with you.
trailmix is offline  
Old 04-27-2021, 01:22 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2021
Location: USA
Posts: 92
It is understandable you feel this way. Your feelings are valid. Sounds like your brother-in-law has some serious issues going on and he is making them everyone else's problem. You can't support someone who doesn't want to get help/recover. Do not cause yourself undue stress over him. As the other posters have suggested, it would be worth looking into moving yourself and your daughter out. You are not responsible for his situation.
comewhatmay is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:31 PM.