At a total loss what to do ...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2021
Posts: 3
At a total loss what to do ...
Hello,
I am new to this forum and just looking for some guidance really.
I have been with my partner for over 4 years and he has a daughter with his ex wife. The split was very amicable and the custody is split 50/50. I moved in with my partner 3 years ago and have met his ex wife and also have a lovely relationship with his little girl (now 12).
Over the years I have found his ex quite reliant on him, she couldn't make any decisions without him (including buying her car and new home), and when he picked up/dropped off his little girl he would often go in for a chat. She also wanted the 3 of them to have family birthday dinners & Christmas outings. As much as it didn't sit right with me I did what was best for the little girl.
We have since found out that she has been drinking for 3 years and the daughter has now had enough and is on verge of staying with us full time - which has pretty much been the case for the past year.
My partner is still trying to help his ex and contacts her every day, has tried to find her recovery groups to go to but the only person she wants to talk to is him (she has a mother and a brother). She has told him that she can't not have him in his life.
I am at home, consoling his broken hearted little girl while he is up at his ex's trying to support her.
I feel like such a horrible person cause I am starting to dislike the ex & feel like she is manipulative. I absolutely hate feeling this way. It is getting in between me & my partner as we have no time for us anymore and it all goes into his little girl and him trying to support his ex.
I just don't know what to do next ..... and sorry for the long winded message.
Thank you :-)
I am new to this forum and just looking for some guidance really.
I have been with my partner for over 4 years and he has a daughter with his ex wife. The split was very amicable and the custody is split 50/50. I moved in with my partner 3 years ago and have met his ex wife and also have a lovely relationship with his little girl (now 12).
Over the years I have found his ex quite reliant on him, she couldn't make any decisions without him (including buying her car and new home), and when he picked up/dropped off his little girl he would often go in for a chat. She also wanted the 3 of them to have family birthday dinners & Christmas outings. As much as it didn't sit right with me I did what was best for the little girl.
We have since found out that she has been drinking for 3 years and the daughter has now had enough and is on verge of staying with us full time - which has pretty much been the case for the past year.
My partner is still trying to help his ex and contacts her every day, has tried to find her recovery groups to go to but the only person she wants to talk to is him (she has a mother and a brother). She has told him that she can't not have him in his life.
I am at home, consoling his broken hearted little girl while he is up at his ex's trying to support her.
I feel like such a horrible person cause I am starting to dislike the ex & feel like she is manipulative. I absolutely hate feeling this way. It is getting in between me & my partner as we have no time for us anymore and it all goes into his little girl and him trying to support his ex.
I just don't know what to do next ..... and sorry for the long winded message.
Thank you :-)
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Hey, private123.
What a mess.
God bless you for being a friend to that little girl.
Your partner is definitely under her spell, yeah? I think I would have to think seriously about whether or not this relationship is one I would want. There's not much you can do about his insistence on being some kind of White Knight, unfortunately.
Neither you nor your partner will have any effect on her drinking and yes, it's manipulation. Classic codependent relationships.
What a mess.
God bless you for being a friend to that little girl.
Your partner is definitely under her spell, yeah? I think I would have to think seriously about whether or not this relationship is one I would want. There's not much you can do about his insistence on being some kind of White Knight, unfortunately.
Neither you nor your partner will have any effect on her drinking and yes, it's manipulation. Classic codependent relationships.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2021
Posts: 3
Thank you so much for your reply and for understanding.
I absolutely think so but do understand all the reasons why cause he is a good guy. I try to tell him that he can't help her and the more he goes up every time she drinks the more I think she will continue to do it.
My emotions are all over the place as I don't want his ex to be on her own but I am also the one that lives with her ex and daughter and witness every day the heart ache it is causing them both.
My head is like mush!
Thanks again, it is helping just having someone see it from my point of view :-)
I absolutely think so but do understand all the reasons why cause he is a good guy. I try to tell him that he can't help her and the more he goes up every time she drinks the more I think she will continue to do it.
My emotions are all over the place as I don't want his ex to be on her own but I am also the one that lives with her ex and daughter and witness every day the heart ache it is causing them both.
My head is like mush!
Thanks again, it is helping just having someone see it from my point of view :-)
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
She's going to drink regardless of whether he goes up there or not - he's going to go up there regardless of whether you agree or not.
It is what it is.
I hope you can stay out of it as much as possible. I wouldn't touch that with a 200 foot pole.
Have you considered going to an Al Anon meeting or finding an AlaTeen meeting for the daughter? It is support for the family of alcoholics. You and she certainly qualify.
She (the 12 YO) really needs professional support...is she getting any?
There are also a lot of good books about codependency. You might start with, "Codependent No More," by Melodie Beatty.
Here's the book list:
(Books on Recovery, Spirituality & Codependence)Books on Recovery, Spirituality & Codependence
It is what it is.
I hope you can stay out of it as much as possible. I wouldn't touch that with a 200 foot pole.
Have you considered going to an Al Anon meeting or finding an AlaTeen meeting for the daughter? It is support for the family of alcoholics. You and she certainly qualify.
She (the 12 YO) really needs professional support...is she getting any?
There are also a lot of good books about codependency. You might start with, "Codependent No More," by Melodie Beatty.
Here's the book list:
(Books on Recovery, Spirituality & Codependence)Books on Recovery, Spirituality & Codependence
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Yikes. That’s a mess...for what it’s worth, you’ve been impressively adult about all of this by keeping that little girl’s wellbeing at the forefront. Well done.
It sounds like this is a dynamic that existed before the booze took over and now the alcoholism is just adding drama...it always does. She plays helpless, he leaps to help, etc. etc. They may be divorced on paper but it sounds like they’re still connected in an unhealthy way. It would be one thing if you were all adults about it and she just needed a hand now and again, especially where their daughter was concerned. But this isn’t about the little girl, this is about the ex being childish and your partner rewarding that behavior by hopping to it every time. You’re dead right about that.
Do you have access to counseling, preferably with someone versed in dealing with addictions? The order of priority would be his daughter, him, and maybe for you and your partner together. The daughter needs support to understand why none of this is her fault or hers to manage. Your partner needs to learn about addiction and how to support his daughter as she navigates this situation. He also needs to learn about addiction and how, often, helping isn’t helping. It’s enabling.
I wish you well. This is a tough situation.
It sounds like this is a dynamic that existed before the booze took over and now the alcoholism is just adding drama...it always does. She plays helpless, he leaps to help, etc. etc. They may be divorced on paper but it sounds like they’re still connected in an unhealthy way. It would be one thing if you were all adults about it and she just needed a hand now and again, especially where their daughter was concerned. But this isn’t about the little girl, this is about the ex being childish and your partner rewarding that behavior by hopping to it every time. You’re dead right about that.
Do you have access to counseling, preferably with someone versed in dealing with addictions? The order of priority would be his daughter, him, and maybe for you and your partner together. The daughter needs support to understand why none of this is her fault or hers to manage. Your partner needs to learn about addiction and how to support his daughter as she navigates this situation. He also needs to learn about addiction and how, often, helping isn’t helping. It’s enabling.
I wish you well. This is a tough situation.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 336
I am so sorry you are going through this. Makes sense why your head might feel like mush!
I agree with everyone here, understanding codependence may help you with understanding your partner’s behavior in regards to his ex. Obviously the ideal is for him to understand the addiction/codependence tango for himself, likely with the aid of therapy or professional help. But recovery from codependence (like addiction) has to start with him choosing it for himself (at least that’s my limited understanding!), and he may not be ready for that.
Have you guys had a chance to talk about the ways this pattern is affecting you? Sometimes it’s easy to focus on the person we care about and talk to them about how things are affecting them, or the ex, but it may help him to know how you’re feeling.
I agree with everyone here, understanding codependence may help you with understanding your partner’s behavior in regards to his ex. Obviously the ideal is for him to understand the addiction/codependence tango for himself, likely with the aid of therapy or professional help. But recovery from codependence (like addiction) has to start with him choosing it for himself (at least that’s my limited understanding!), and he may not be ready for that.
Have you guys had a chance to talk about the ways this pattern is affecting you? Sometimes it’s easy to focus on the person we care about and talk to them about how things are affecting them, or the ex, but it may help him to know how you’re feeling.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
I have the same question as edoering, have you talked to him about this dynamic/situation? If so, how does he feel about it? Does he know it is impacting your relationship in a really negative way?
He can't help her and the sooner he realizes that the better. She needs the help of fellow alcoholics (like AA) and/or professional help. If alcoholism could be impacted by caring enough or being there enough, this forum would be a very quiet place. It just doesn't happen.
If she is serious about wanting to quit/seeking help (which is a choice only she can make) and either of them thinks he is providing that, in fact, he is probably doing more harm than good. it may stop her from actually getting real help.
He can sit with her all day long and listen to her story/misery, whatever it is she shares or alleviate her loneliness, but that won't help with alcoholism.
He can't help her and the sooner he realizes that the better. She needs the help of fellow alcoholics (like AA) and/or professional help. If alcoholism could be impacted by caring enough or being there enough, this forum would be a very quiet place. It just doesn't happen.
If she is serious about wanting to quit/seeking help (which is a choice only she can make) and either of them thinks he is providing that, in fact, he is probably doing more harm than good. it may stop her from actually getting real help.
He can sit with her all day long and listen to her story/misery, whatever it is she shares or alleviate her loneliness, but that won't help with alcoholism.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2021
Posts: 3
Thanks all for your kind words.
I have tried to talk to him and explain that when I am saying to him that he jumps everytime she drinks, has nothing to do with me not wanting him to help her but the fact that I don't think it is actually helping her!
He gets quite defensive and I understand that also cause it is the mother of his child and she is a good person just that the drink has taken over.
As for the counselling, we have been trying to find somewhere for his girl to go and found somewhere for kids but it was over the phone. His little girl is open to talking to someone as she is scared by how angry she feels towards her mum. But it was over the phone and she wanted to talk to someone face to face.
One of my closest friends lost her mum to alcohol so I spoke to her and she offered to come and talk to his little girl. This really did seem to help & it looked as if a weight had been lifted off the little girls shoulders but she defintely needs more help. She kept her mums drinking to herself for 2 years so I believe we only know the half of what she has seen.
My partner and I are not in a great place just now as he thinks I am constantly asking him if he has heard from her.
Thanks again everyone for your kind words, they are definitely helping :-)
I have tried to talk to him and explain that when I am saying to him that he jumps everytime she drinks, has nothing to do with me not wanting him to help her but the fact that I don't think it is actually helping her!
He gets quite defensive and I understand that also cause it is the mother of his child and she is a good person just that the drink has taken over.
As for the counselling, we have been trying to find somewhere for his girl to go and found somewhere for kids but it was over the phone. His little girl is open to talking to someone as she is scared by how angry she feels towards her mum. But it was over the phone and she wanted to talk to someone face to face.
One of my closest friends lost her mum to alcohol so I spoke to her and she offered to come and talk to his little girl. This really did seem to help & it looked as if a weight had been lifted off the little girls shoulders but she defintely needs more help. She kept her mums drinking to herself for 2 years so I believe we only know the half of what she has seen.
My partner and I are not in a great place just now as he thinks I am constantly asking him if he has heard from her.
Thanks again everyone for your kind words, they are definitely helping :-)
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Sorry you are in this very difficult situation. I agree that they are caught up in a dysfunctional dance. He is certainly not helping her. She needs fellow drinkers for her help not someone who is enabling.
I hope you can find some peace with it all.
I hope you can find some peace with it all.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
private....did you know that there are a number of books written for children (of all ages, including teens) about alcoholism. There are books that are written for the parent and child to read together, also. these books could help to know how to talk to the kids about it, also. You can find them on amazon.com---in the book section.
You might, also, think about alateen meetings over zoom or skype. Kids near her own age can be very influential.
Absolutely, keep looking for a professional counselor for her. She is at such a pivotal age, with the teen years looming!
From where I sit, it looks like his behaviors (and their "dance" together) have reached a critical extreme----even allowing that she is the mother of his child, and all. I think you have been m ost generous in your attitudes about this---but, I fear that you are bordering on a territory that will/is becoming harmful to your own self and well being. It is good to think of others, but NOT to the point of ignoring your own selff and essential needs. When that happens, it become more in the co-dependency territory.
I don't think that you can just accept it and roll with the punches. It will only get worse as her unchecked alcoholism and your partner's unhealthy role with her alcoholism.
I have a couple of suggestions that you might consider....
1. Tell him how this is affecting you....and be sure to always use "I" sentences. Especially, don[t use "she" sentences. That will only make him dig his heels in deeper.
2. Don't just wait to see if it "gets any better". One of the big mistakes that couples make is to wait too long to get help---and often, there is just too much water over the bridge to change or heal.
3. Find some couples therapy. This is some deep seated stuff that is unlikely to just self-correct. If he is against it---that tells you a whole lot!
4. If you find yourself too afraid to put your cards, honestly, on the table---like the way you have been able to do with us---then, you, yourself might get individual counseling for your won self. A healthy relationship needs to be able to tolerate honesty.
You might, also, think about alateen meetings over zoom or skype. Kids near her own age can be very influential.
Absolutely, keep looking for a professional counselor for her. She is at such a pivotal age, with the teen years looming!
From where I sit, it looks like his behaviors (and their "dance" together) have reached a critical extreme----even allowing that she is the mother of his child, and all. I think you have been m ost generous in your attitudes about this---but, I fear that you are bordering on a territory that will/is becoming harmful to your own self and well being. It is good to think of others, but NOT to the point of ignoring your own selff and essential needs. When that happens, it become more in the co-dependency territory.
I don't think that you can just accept it and roll with the punches. It will only get worse as her unchecked alcoholism and your partner's unhealthy role with her alcoholism.
I have a couple of suggestions that you might consider....
1. Tell him how this is affecting you....and be sure to always use "I" sentences. Especially, don[t use "she" sentences. That will only make him dig his heels in deeper.
2. Don't just wait to see if it "gets any better". One of the big mistakes that couples make is to wait too long to get help---and often, there is just too much water over the bridge to change or heal.
3. Find some couples therapy. This is some deep seated stuff that is unlikely to just self-correct. If he is against it---that tells you a whole lot!
4. If you find yourself too afraid to put your cards, honestly, on the table---like the way you have been able to do with us---then, you, yourself might get individual counseling for your won self. A healthy relationship needs to be able to tolerate honesty.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by private123 
My partner and I are not in a great place just now as he thinks I am constantly asking him if he has heard from her.
Thanks again everyone for your kind words, they are definitely helping :-)
Thanks again everyone for your kind words, they are definitely helping :-)
I'm sorry it has brought such a division in your relationship, I know that's very hurtful, but his actions are hurtful (whether the believes that or not). I doubt he realizes he is actually contributing to her dysfunction.
Of course it is up to you how much you say to him, doesn't sound like he is very open to listening to anyone else. It's a really tough situation for you to be in.
The next question then is what do you want to do about it. You can't change him, you have tried to talk it out with him but if he doesn't see what he is doing as wrong - well, that doesn't leave you many options.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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One more thought...while he’s off wrangling the ex, he’s abandoning his daughter at a time when she really needs his attention. You’re doing everything you can, but she needs her dad. Maybe if you remind him of that he may be more receptive to the conversation? As long as he’s glibly dismissing this as you being jealous of the ex, he’s looking in the wrong direction entirely.
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