Need help
 

Ranting at me to either “commit to repairing the damage I’ve caused or call a lawyer tomorrow”. I told him to stop trying to control me. He said “**** it **** my faith I’ll call.” I think he’s lost it and I dread having to live here with him until he’s out. That may be a while! No I don’t have anyone else to live with. Advice please

You may well be right. I strongly suggest you call the DV hotline - 800.799.SAFE (7233)

At least talk to them pizza, they have years of experience with this, they will let you know what to do, where to go if you need to go somewhere. You don't have to take their advice if you don't want to, you don't even had to tell them your name, but the advice would be invaluable.

pizza........I agree to call the hot line, also. Trailmix is right...they will know what to do and will be available to talk to you any time you need to. You need someone who has your back and they will not be judgemental. Their entire goal is to help you.
It is completely confidential and there is nothing to lose by talking to them.

Glad you checked in Pizza. I've been wondering how you were doing.

I do think you need some more in-person support.

Also I'm a bit confused. I would think you would want a divorce? Is calling a lawyer a bad thing?

While I wouldn't put a lot of stock in his threat to initiate the divorce, I agree with trailmix that you must shore up your real-world support by calling the hotline.

This is a "strangely-wrapped gift", even if it doesn't feel like it now.
Run with it.

Pizza I'm not sure if I'm on the totally wrong track here but you mention your faith. Maybe it's against your spiritual beliefs to get divorced?
if this is the case can you talk to someone in your church/worship place? An "elder" or some one in the community who has faced similar challenges?
Leaving a relationship isn't always as simple as leaving the relationship if that involves breaking spiritual or community codes.
I'm glad you posted. We are here for you.

Hello Pizza,

Have you considered speaking to a couple of lawyers yourself? Gathering information can be very helpful and may help reduce some of your fears.

I have spoken to DV and I get pat formulaic responses that seem like they’re coming from a computer. Sorry. Wasn't helpful. I’ve spoken to lawyers and have someone in the stable.

Today he wanted “a 15 minute conversation to resolve things”. Which I stupidly agreed to listen to. It was an attempt to manipulate me into saying I’m staying in the marriage. I told him I couldn’t agree unless he was willing to truly reflect and empathize with me and the kids as far as his impact on us and asked him to seek individual counseling. That went as predicted. He denied he ever had a drinking problem since he hasn’t had any for almost a year (but has been mean controlling and manipulative the whole year, and threatened to buy alcohol at least 4 times), immediately tried to equalize the pain he caused with how we’ve “isolated him in the middle of a pandemic and emotionally abused him”, and refused to seek treatment. Then he gaslit me by suggesting my medication needs to be changed and I’m not thinking straight. Finally he told me “not to come back to the marriage bed until I am
committed to the marriage”, ate dinner in 5 minutes in the bedroom, and stormed out slamming the door nearly off the hinges.


PS he’s a religious fanatic, I’m not.

PPS The advice I need is how to get him out of here ASAP because I can’t live with this while
a divorce is underway.

What did the lawyers you talked to say about getting him out? They would be more versed on the laws of your state. Generally, if he is on the deed he has as much right to stay in the home as you. If he isn't on the deed, but uses your address as his, you could try going through the eviction process, but other than that, I know of no other way.

Chances are, if he refuses to leave, you would have to live with him unless you yourself leave.

And thats untenable for me. He will make my life hell

Is he capable of getting physically violent? If so call the police, have it recorded and get a restraining order against him.

Ok, I am anti-manipulation, so I hope this doesn't come across that way.

You have been speaking your truth to him. This has zero effect because you are not saying what he wants to hear (you already know this).

You know him, what would get him out? Could you say, I hear you and I hear your pain. What if you leave and go and stay with whomever for a month while we both clear our heads and reset from all this anger (parents nearby? Friend? Church Friend, heck the pastor!). I'm sure his church friends will rally round him (you may want to point that out to him) "they are his rock". They think so highly of him and can be his quiet place to land for the time being.

You know what I mean, is it worth a try? Be on his side, save him from you : )

It might be, if he had friends. His sibling has their own family and I don't see the in law allowing him in. I guess it’s a possibility.

Tonight he tried to corner me into picking “commitment to the marriage,” file for divorce, or seeking couples counseling which I will NEVER again subject myself to with him. He specifically said no trial separation, he’s being “tortured” because I won’t pick one or the other. Never mind that he would make my life a hellscape even more than it is now.

pizza.....one course of action that could bring this tortuous cohabitation to a speedy end, could be this. Go to your "lawyer in the stable"....file for divorce and pay the extra money to have him served immediately. If this causes him to blow a gasket (vey probable"....then. call the police and get an immediate restraining order. That will get him away from you, legally.
This would be playing hard ball. As you know, anyone who is diagnosed as narcissistic personality disorder means that one has to play hard ball....never give them an inch, and never, ever, let them see you sweat.

Well at least it's a possibility. He said no trial separation, that's completely different from what I am suggesting. Give him his space, offer it to him, say go for a while and be with your family and your church friends and think and we can talk in a couple of weeks.

Then go to the lawyer.

Or, you know, dandylion's suggestion is excellent, that sounds like a good plan to me. You can either act or this will be your life for years to come.

I think dandylion's plan is worth trying.

And if it doesn't work...you might have to re-examine the possibility that you are the one to leave.

i know you do not want to do that. I get it. I really, really get it. But you cannot make another person do what you want. We don't have any magic words. They do not exist. Taking the reins of your own life might mean doing something you don't want to do. In fact, it definitely will, because you will almost certainly find yourself having to choose between living with him or leaving.

Living with him is, as you say, untenable. Leaving is full of unknowns. It's not a great choice. But accepting that that might be your choice will yield more momentum than trying to find a way to make him do what you want.

The life you have now is making you miserable. Ending the marriage and starting a new life may well be miserable, too, at least at first. But that choice may also turn out to give you a new life ultimately that’s peaceful and rewarding. As Sparkle said, that choice has many unknowns, but many of them could be wonderful. You know that staying will be just more of the same.

I don’t recall a single poster here who’s come back wishing they hadn’t ended their relationship. What I do see are many who say they wish they hadn’t waited so long.

Hey Pizza, if any of us could say something that would get him out of the house ASAP we absolutely would. However, depending on the laws of where you live and if his name is on the lease/title of the house, he may legally be able to live there.

It sounds like the lawyer is your best bet . . . . not that that is what you want to do.