HUsband is lying about his drinking
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HUsband is lying about his drinking
Hi all again.. Boy, I do not know what I would do without this group. I will not get into the timeline of my life with an alcoholic, 43 years, he has health issues, drinks and lies and hides his alcohol. takes Ambien and drinks 2 beers a night (he says) and has been lying about drinking Vodka. Well I found a bottle earlier this week empty in his stupid hiding place. This morning I found another bottle mostly gone, except enough for 2 stiff drinks, well when I came home, both bottles were gone, thrown out, so obviously he finished off the remainder of the other one. I confronted him, which I know might not be the best way to handle this, but I can't handle being lied to, the hiding and denying his alcoholism. I also have been shut down on his going to his Dr. for a check up next month, no way in hell can I go in with him.. I said how unfair and I wish I could drop it. I can't. I dealt with many many health issues of my parents, lost them both in less than a year. Have my own health issues that he has always been included in. Why?? I do not get it. I know some have told me to let it be. Let him go, do his thing, and not to worry, but I can't. I would be the one who will take care of him one day, he is already nearly 71 and I am much younger, am active, and if this does not change, this is not the life I want to live out. I know I messed up bringing it up again tonight, the hidden bottles, which he will now just hide somewhere else, the Drs. appointment which I can't wrap my head around. He hasn't always been a heavy drinker, always depended on it of course, is well respected in his field (retired now) we are very comfortable in our life and he would be fair to me if I do leave this situation. I guess in your gut you know when it is time to go... We shall see. It is a never ending story here. thanks all and I mentioned this would be a short post. I guess I can't do that 
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CINCY.....as frustrating as it is....and, any of us who have loved an alcoholic can testify, it IS a helpless and angering and frustrating feeling when the alcoholic denies their drinking---and, the hiding that goes along with it,of course.
Having said this, I can also say that it is unrealistic to expect an alcoholic who depends on the alcohol to be able to deal with their inner feelings to even feel normal, to not lie when questioned about their drinking or hiding. It is as important to them as oxygen or water. They are not lying to you to be dishonest to you in order to hurt you. It is not even about you, at this level---it is about being in the clutches of a powerful Disease....This is the reason that they are called alcoholic. This is what alcoholics do...they feel the life and death need of the alcohol. Also, if they are far into the spiral of alcoholism, they may need the alcohol to keep them from the extremely uncomfortable and sometimes deadly withdrawl symptoms---the DTs. I have treated hundreds of alcoholics, so I am very familiar with this.
I know that you want to go to the doctor appointment with him...nd I understand this desire. But, we know about the privacy laws, by now. I can remember this with my own mother. She was incredibly stubborn and very private about any information. Now here is one "loophole" that I used to get around this, with her...lol. Being that I am a medical person, I knew that while her doctor couldn't give me any info. without her permission----I knew that there was no law preventing me giving the doctor information. So...before her appointment, I would call her doctor's office and tell the nurses what was really going on with my mother. I would tell them when she wasn't taking her blood thinners, or when she was trying to hide certain symptoms from them. Anything that I thought that was medically important. I asked the medical staff to never mention that I had called them! They understood the situation, as it is not an uncommon one.
Remember, also, that the doctor may not be "blind" as you might think. As a medical person, I know that most patients---especially alcoholics or drug addicts, will lie or minimize their drugs of choice. We assume that. Ther are so many "clues" that we can identify by the history, exam and various tests. We know not to attack or fight with them...but, we can still give them honest advice and plan the treatment around their illnesses. **Sometimes, a particular patient will actually be more honest with the doctor if the undesired family member is NOT with them. Each patient is different, in this respect...it can go either way, depending on the patient.
I realize that you have some serious decisions to make concerning your own welfare---and you have the right to take care of your own self and decide what you want your own life to be like.
My best suggestion to you would be to get a support group and a counselor to guide you through this difficult time. This is too difficult to go it alone.
He might do better in an assisted living facility. You could always discuss this with a (specially trained) geriatric social worker. They will know the ins and outs of that.
Having said this, I can also say that it is unrealistic to expect an alcoholic who depends on the alcohol to be able to deal with their inner feelings to even feel normal, to not lie when questioned about their drinking or hiding. It is as important to them as oxygen or water. They are not lying to you to be dishonest to you in order to hurt you. It is not even about you, at this level---it is about being in the clutches of a powerful Disease....This is the reason that they are called alcoholic. This is what alcoholics do...they feel the life and death need of the alcohol. Also, if they are far into the spiral of alcoholism, they may need the alcohol to keep them from the extremely uncomfortable and sometimes deadly withdrawl symptoms---the DTs. I have treated hundreds of alcoholics, so I am very familiar with this.
I know that you want to go to the doctor appointment with him...nd I understand this desire. But, we know about the privacy laws, by now. I can remember this with my own mother. She was incredibly stubborn and very private about any information. Now here is one "loophole" that I used to get around this, with her...lol. Being that I am a medical person, I knew that while her doctor couldn't give me any info. without her permission----I knew that there was no law preventing me giving the doctor information. So...before her appointment, I would call her doctor's office and tell the nurses what was really going on with my mother. I would tell them when she wasn't taking her blood thinners, or when she was trying to hide certain symptoms from them. Anything that I thought that was medically important. I asked the medical staff to never mention that I had called them! They understood the situation, as it is not an uncommon one.
Remember, also, that the doctor may not be "blind" as you might think. As a medical person, I know that most patients---especially alcoholics or drug addicts, will lie or minimize their drugs of choice. We assume that. Ther are so many "clues" that we can identify by the history, exam and various tests. We know not to attack or fight with them...but, we can still give them honest advice and plan the treatment around their illnesses. **Sometimes, a particular patient will actually be more honest with the doctor if the undesired family member is NOT with them. Each patient is different, in this respect...it can go either way, depending on the patient.
I realize that you have some serious decisions to make concerning your own welfare---and you have the right to take care of your own self and decide what you want your own life to be like.
My best suggestion to you would be to get a support group and a counselor to guide you through this difficult time. This is too difficult to go it alone.
He might do better in an assisted living facility. You could always discuss this with a (specially trained) geriatric social worker. They will know the ins and outs of that.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,620
Originally Posted by CINCY1975 
which I can't wrap my head around.
I'm sure it seems to you that he would want you to help him with following his Dr's advice (as you share yours with him) and to cut down or quit drinking, but that's not what he thinks. He wants to go to the Dr by himself and he doesn't want to quit drinking.
You are at an impasse.
You know, he actually has a right to drink, it's legal, he is of age. Sometimes we might not like (or understand) what someone else is doing, however, we should respect their right to do it. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
Have you ever read a book called Codependent no more (by Melody Beattie)? I know the word codependent has negative connotations and even the author doesn't like the word, none-the-less you might find the book really helpful in setting boundaries in your life and seeing him as a separate person.
if this does not change, this is not the life I want to live out
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by CINCY1975
...if this does not change, this is not the life I want to live out.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,546
I sent the better part of 25 years thinking, "How do I get my partner to change so I don't have to?"
[sigh] Never happens.
I did learn to somewhat detach from him. You can love someone like crazy - but understand that the only way the person will change is because he or she sees value in changing.
[sigh] Never happens.
I did learn to somewhat detach from him. You can love someone like crazy - but understand that the only way the person will change is because he or she sees value in changing.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2021
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by CINCY1975
Hi all again.. Boy, I do not know what I would do without this group. I will not get into the timeline of my life with an alcoholic, 43 years, he has health issues, drinks and lies and hides his alcohol. takes Ambien and drinks 2 beers a night (he says) and has been lying about drinking Vodka. Well I found a bottle earlier this week empty in his stupid hiding place. This morning I found another bottle mostly gone, except enough for 2 stiff drinks, well when I came home, both bottles were gone, thrown out, so obviously he finished off the remainder of the other one. I confronted him, which I know might not be the best way to handle this, but I can't handle being lied to, the hiding and denying his alcoholism. I also have been shut down on his going to his Dr. for a check up next month, no way in hell can I go in with him.. I said how unfair and I wish I could drop it. I can't. I dealt with many many health issues of my parents, lost them both in less than a year. Have my own health issues that he has always been included in. Why?? I do not get it. I know some have told me to let it be. Let him go, do his thing, and not to worry, but I can't. I would be the one who will take care of him one day, he is already nearly 71 and I am much younger, am active, and if this does not change, this is not the life I want to live out. I know I messed up bringing it up again tonight, the hidden bottles, which he will now just hide somewhere else, the Drs. appointment which I can't wrap my head around. He hasn't always been a heavy drinker, always depended on it of course, is well respected in his field (retired now) we are very comfortable in our life and he would be fair to me if I do leave this situation. I guess in your gut you know when it is time to go... We shall see. It is a never ending story here. thanks all and I mentioned this would be a short post. I guess I can't do that
So before I read everything about Alcoholic is a disease, I was expecting him to be normal drinker. We even had agreement that I am the one who get the vodka from Costco and I’ll pour to a glass every night just to make his craving satisfied. But of course it wasn’t going good, instead it was a horrible! He was still like the first year. So again I was like demanding him to be change! Until I was so exhausted so I quit to asks him to change to be normal drinker.
Then he told me he wanted to go to rehab and he did. And nope it went down again the exact same day he was out from rehab.
Since that time, I was pretty done. I told myself, I have to stop to be crazy looking under the bathroom sink, over his gym bags ( I found few little bottles ), inside his car because there was always a black plastic bag with one or 2 bottles. I told myself to love myself more. I don’t deserved the crap. I told myself, that’s his own life, his choice. If he wants to keep drinking, well it’s his lost. He’s the one who’s gonna dies / killing himself slowly with that vodka.
So my life was changed into a better way. I knew he still drinking, and hide them, but nope I ain’t no longer searching and confront him every night.
No more fighting, yelling, screaming like a maniac woman. Eventhough once in a while I still saying you must be been drinking and of course he said no. And I don’t pursue it no more. Just telling myself yeah right whatever.
So I can just suggest to you, to get more to love yourself and focus on other things. Don’t have to searching no more because it’s always be there.
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Join Date: Apr 2021
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by Rainheart
@CINCY1975 , I feel you. I hate being lied, well I think everybody does. I married my husband for 10 years and in the beginning of our marriage, I can says that my life was in hell! I was tired, screaming etc. At first I was naive that I have no idea that he’s an alcoholic because he never told me about it. Until I realized that his drinking habit isn’t normal because every night he was just passed out on the couch, he fell down to the floor few times, hit his head to tv desk.
So before I read everything about Alcoholic is a disease, I was expecting him to be normal drinker. We even had agreement that I am the one who get the vodka from Costco and I’ll pour to a glass every night just to make his craving satisfied. But of course it wasn’t going good, instead it was a horrible! He was still like the first year. So again I was like demanding him to be change! Until I was so exhausted so I quit to asks him to change to be normal drinker.
Then he told me he wanted to go to rehab and he did. And nope it went down again the exact same day he was out from rehab.
Since that time, I was pretty done. I told myself, I have to stop to be crazy looking under the bathroom sink, over his gym bags ( I found few little bottles ), inside his car because there was always a black plastic bag with one or 2 bottles. I told myself to love myself more. I don’t deserved the crap. I told myself, that’s his own life, his choice. If he wants to keep drinking, well it’s his lost. He’s the one who’s gonna dies / killing himself slowly with that vodka.
So my life was changed into a better way. I knew he still drinking, and hide them, but nope I ain’t no longer searching and confront him every night.
No more fighting, yelling, screaming like a maniac woman. Eventhough once in a while I still saying you must be been drinking and of course he said no. And I don’t pursue it no more. Just telling myself yeah right whatever.
So I can just suggest to you, to get more to love yourself and focus on other things. Don’t have to searching no more because it’s always be there.
So before I read everything about Alcoholic is a disease, I was expecting him to be normal drinker. We even had agreement that I am the one who get the vodka from Costco and I’ll pour to a glass every night just to make his craving satisfied. But of course it wasn’t going good, instead it was a horrible! He was still like the first year. So again I was like demanding him to be change! Until I was so exhausted so I quit to asks him to change to be normal drinker.
Then he told me he wanted to go to rehab and he did. And nope it went down again the exact same day he was out from rehab.
Since that time, I was pretty done. I told myself, I have to stop to be crazy looking under the bathroom sink, over his gym bags ( I found few little bottles ), inside his car because there was always a black plastic bag with one or 2 bottles. I told myself to love myself more. I don’t deserved the crap. I told myself, that’s his own life, his choice. If he wants to keep drinking, well it’s his lost. He’s the one who’s gonna dies / killing himself slowly with that vodka.
So my life was changed into a better way. I knew he still drinking, and hide them, but nope I ain’t no longer searching and confront him every night.
No more fighting, yelling, screaming like a maniac woman. Eventhough once in a while I still saying you must be been drinking and of course he said no. And I don’t pursue it no more. Just telling myself yeah right whatever.
So I can just suggest to you, to get more to love yourself and focus on other things. Don’t have to searching no more because it’s always be there.
Our grown children know all about it and call every day to see how things are going. As far as the Dr. appointment, I will not mention it again to him. He will go, he may or may not come home with the orders the Dr. wants to do Lots of tests I am sure.
I appreciate your post and glad that I have found this forum.
Thanks Take care
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2021
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by velma929
I sent the better part of 25 years thinking, "How do I get my partner to change so I don't have to?"
[sigh] Never happens.
I did learn to somewhat detach from him. You can love someone like crazy - but understand that the only way the person will change is because he or she sees value in changing.
[sigh] Never happens.
I did learn to somewhat detach from him. You can love someone like crazy - but understand that the only way the person will change is because he or she sees value in changing.
Thank you again..
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2021
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by FallenAngelina
"This" is you. You are the only thing that must change if a change is what you want. You don't (and actually can't) figure out everything today, but you can choose to change something about how you've always done things. This is not the life you want? Fair enough. Then what will you do differently going forward from today?
My game plan is always on my mind. Going forward, is I will not tolerate it again, his lying, his denial, and not wanting to help himself. He did a few Ala-Non meetings, wasn't thrilled with them. He has cut back the drinking (or at least he says he has) and I will admit wakes up much clearer headed. I know it will happen again. I know unless he wants help and realizes that he has to control his life, health and drinking, he will not be around to see his grandkids grown up. I on the other hand am happy to have a support group of friends family and others who are always there to talk it out thanks again!
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Join Date: Apr 2021
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by trailmix
Well, you can't wrap your head around it because you are looking at it from your perspective, not his. He doesn't think like you do. He is an alcoholic and he thinks about - alcohol.
I'm sure it seems to you that he would want you to help him with following his Dr's advice (as you share yours with him) and to cut down or quit drinking, but that's not what he thinks. He wants to go to the Dr by himself and he doesn't want to quit drinking.
You are at an impasse.
You know, he actually has a right to drink, it's legal, he is of age. Sometimes we might not like (or understand) what someone else is doing, however, we should respect their right to do it. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
Have you ever read a book called Codependent no more (by Melody Beattie)? I know the word codependent has negative connotations and even the author doesn't like the word, none-the-less you might find the book really helpful in setting boundaries in your life and seeing him as a separate person.
If you feel this way it would probably be wise to start now to make a plan to leave (or have him leave). Doesn't sound like he is interested in quitting right now? Maybe never.
I'm sure it seems to you that he would want you to help him with following his Dr's advice (as you share yours with him) and to cut down or quit drinking, but that's not what he thinks. He wants to go to the Dr by himself and he doesn't want to quit drinking.
You are at an impasse.
You know, he actually has a right to drink, it's legal, he is of age. Sometimes we might not like (or understand) what someone else is doing, however, we should respect their right to do it. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
Have you ever read a book called Codependent no more (by Melody Beattie)? I know the word codependent has negative connotations and even the author doesn't like the word, none-the-less you might find the book really helpful in setting boundaries in your life and seeing him as a separate person.
If you feel this way it would probably be wise to start now to make a plan to leave (or have him leave). Doesn't sound like he is interested in quitting right now? Maybe never.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Philadelphia FREEDOM
Posts: 149
Originally Posted by CINCY1975
I don't think he will quit, I will say he has slowed down his drinking (or at least I do not see it or him drinking as much) He does wake up with a clearer mind. He will not go to AA, he tried, he didn't say he would stick with it when he went I believe just to pacify me. I am seeing 2 therapists, one is a drug and alcohol therapist and has been very very helpful so far. thank you!
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Originally Posted by dandylion
CINCY.....as frustrating as it is....and, any of us who have loved an alcoholic can testify, it IS a helpless and angering and frustrating feeling when the alcoholic denies their drinking---and, the hiding that goes along with it,of course.
Having said this, I can also say that it is unrealistic to expect an alcoholic who depends on the alcohol to be able to deal with their inner feelings to even feel normal, to not lie when questioned about their drinking or hiding. It is as important to them as oxygen or water. They are not lying to you to be dishonest to you in order to hurt you. It is not even about you, at this level---it is about being in the clutches of a powerful Disease....This is the reason that they are called alcoholic. This is what alcoholics do...they feel the life and death need of the alcohol. Also, if they are far into the spiral of alcoholism, they may need the alcohol to keep them from the extremely uncomfortable and sometimes deadly withdrawl symptoms---the DTs. I have treated hundreds of alcoholics, so I am very familiar with this.
I know that you want to go to the doctor appointment with him...nd I understand this desire. But, we know about the privacy laws, by now. I can remember this with my own mother. She was incredibly stubborn and very private about any information. Now here is one "loophole" that I used to get around this, with her...lol. Being that I am a medical person, I knew that while her doctor couldn't give me any info. without her permission----I knew that there was no law preventing me giving the doctor information. So...before her appointment, I would call her doctor's office and tell the nurses what was really going on with my mother. I would tell them when she wasn't taking her blood thinners, or when she was trying to hide certain symptoms from them. Anything that I thought that was medically important. I asked the medical staff to never mention that I had called them! They understood the situation, as it is not an uncommon one.
Remember, also, that the doctor may not be "blind" as you might think. As a medical person, I know that most patients---especially alcoholics or drug addicts, will lie or minimize their drugs of choice. We assume that. Ther are so many "clues" that we can identify by the history, exam and various tests. We know not to attack or fight with them...but, we can still give them honest advice and plan the treatment around their illnesses. **Sometimes, a particular patient will actually be more honest with the doctor if the undesired family member is NOT with them. Each patient is different, in this respect...it can go either way, depending on the patient.
I realize that you have some serious decisions to make concerning your own welfare---and you have the right to take care of your own self and decide what you want your own life to be like.
My best suggestion to you would be to get a support group and a counselor to guide you through this difficult time. This is too difficult to go it alone.
He might do better in an assisted living facility. You could always discuss this with a (specially trained) geriatric social worker. They will know the ins and outs of that.
Having said this, I can also say that it is unrealistic to expect an alcoholic who depends on the alcohol to be able to deal with their inner feelings to even feel normal, to not lie when questioned about their drinking or hiding. It is as important to them as oxygen or water. They are not lying to you to be dishonest to you in order to hurt you. It is not even about you, at this level---it is about being in the clutches of a powerful Disease....This is the reason that they are called alcoholic. This is what alcoholics do...they feel the life and death need of the alcohol. Also, if they are far into the spiral of alcoholism, they may need the alcohol to keep them from the extremely uncomfortable and sometimes deadly withdrawl symptoms---the DTs. I have treated hundreds of alcoholics, so I am very familiar with this.
I know that you want to go to the doctor appointment with him...nd I understand this desire. But, we know about the privacy laws, by now. I can remember this with my own mother. She was incredibly stubborn and very private about any information. Now here is one "loophole" that I used to get around this, with her...lol. Being that I am a medical person, I knew that while her doctor couldn't give me any info. without her permission----I knew that there was no law preventing me giving the doctor information. So...before her appointment, I would call her doctor's office and tell the nurses what was really going on with my mother. I would tell them when she wasn't taking her blood thinners, or when she was trying to hide certain symptoms from them. Anything that I thought that was medically important. I asked the medical staff to never mention that I had called them! They understood the situation, as it is not an uncommon one.
Remember, also, that the doctor may not be "blind" as you might think. As a medical person, I know that most patients---especially alcoholics or drug addicts, will lie or minimize their drugs of choice. We assume that. Ther are so many "clues" that we can identify by the history, exam and various tests. We know not to attack or fight with them...but, we can still give them honest advice and plan the treatment around their illnesses. **Sometimes, a particular patient will actually be more honest with the doctor if the undesired family member is NOT with them. Each patient is different, in this respect...it can go either way, depending on the patient.
I realize that you have some serious decisions to make concerning your own welfare---and you have the right to take care of your own self and decide what you want your own life to be like.
My best suggestion to you would be to get a support group and a counselor to guide you through this difficult time. This is too difficult to go it alone.
He might do better in an assisted living facility. You could always discuss this with a (specially trained) geriatric social worker. They will know the ins and outs of that.
I am currently seeing 2 different therapists and have learned a lot and am able to express my feelings to both of them. It is a day by day here. He has been much better lately, wakes up with a clearer mind, and I want to think he is trying. I have been down that road before and the boundaries have been pushed. I am anxious to see what the Dr. will find out.
Thank you!
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