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Left me for the last time.

Old 04-15-2021, 11:42 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Just one last thought from someone who’s been around the block more than a few times...the more someone feels the need to proclaim to be a “feminist and ally,” the less I believe it. Men who are actually both don’t have to say it because it’s automatic...they just think and act that way instinctively.

Sending you a hug.
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Old 04-15-2021, 01:01 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by ohwellitsspring View Post
Yeah, sounds very familiar, abandoned. Among my many flaws are that I do not like riding bikes as much as he does, that I have a cat (that he adores, but he is politically opposed to the keeping of pets), that I snore (this keeps him up; the obvious pattern of his being more able to sleep the more alcohol he has in his system has nothing to do with it), that I am too short (I am on the small side of average), and that due to cohabitation I hear it when he burps (!).
Well you semi-bike riding cat carer!

OMG!

I think not only will you look back on this and be glad you jumped off this particular crazy train, eventually - you will laugh at things like this.

The thing is, when we are around someone who isn't rational and in particular I'm talking about alcoholism now, the round and round you go, the rationalizations you make, start to make some of this seem kind of normal. Once you back away from it a bit you can say - ok this is not normal and I shouldn't rationalize it.

There are some great articles linked at this page that you might find interesting:

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

"Spouses and other family members begin to ask a perfectly logical question: "If you really love and care about me, why do you keep doing what you know hurts me so badly?"To this the addict has no answer except to promise once again to do better, "this time for real, you'll see!" or to respond with grievances and complaints of his own. The question of fairness arises as the addict attempts to extenuate his own admitted transgressions by repeated references to what he considers the equal or greater faults of those who complain of his addictive behavior. This natural defensive maneuver of "the best defense is a good offense" variety can be the first step on a slippery slope that leads to the paranoid demonization of the very people the addict cares about the most. Unable any longer to carry the burden of his own transgressions he begins to think of himself as the victim of the unfairness and unreasonableness of others who are forever harping on his addiction and the consequences that flow from it. "Leave me alone," he may snap. "I'm not hurting anybody but myself!" He has become almost totally blind to how his addictive behavior does in fact harm those around him who care about him; and he has grown so confused that hurting only himself has begun to sound like a rational, even a virtuous thing to do"!


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Old 04-15-2021, 02:21 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Well you semi-bike riding cat carer!
But...but.., she’s also not tall!!!!

(Gasp. Thud.)

OWIS, I hope you realize we’re not in any way suggesting this should be easy for you. It hurts like six kinds of hell, I know. But sometimes if you can find the humor in a terrible situation it loses a little bit of its power to hurt you, yes?


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Old 04-15-2021, 04:17 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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"he is politically opposed to the keeping of pets......"

Exactly what does this even mean? I'm sorry, I am very curious by nature......
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Old 04-15-2021, 06:47 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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[QUOTE=ohwellitsspring;7622558]Yeah, sounds very familiar, abandoned. Among my many flaws are that I do not like riding bikes as much as he does, that I have a cat (that he adores, but he is politically opposed to the keeping of pets), that I snore (this keeps him up; the obvious pattern of his being more able to sleep the more alcohol he has in his system has nothing to do with it), that I am too short (I am on the small side of average), and that due to cohabitation I hear it when he burps (!).

It’s amusing trying to imagine his perfect woman according to these rubrics: 6’5”, hates animals, bikes everywhere, does not breath when she sleeps, cannot hear burping. She’d be very impressive!

Ha! Wouldn’t she though? It all sounds so ridiculous written out, doesn’t it? Were you pretending to be taller when you met and for most of the years of your relationship so that he didn’t notice that you were short before? It’s just pure ridiculousness. Mine also pulled the bike thing out on me too, only it was motorcycles and I made him feel guilty about riding (I guess). Now just imagine yourself breaking up with someone you’ve been with for some years because of how tall they are or because they snore. Our Q’s were just looking for an excuse and this was the best they could come up with, aside from addressing the elephant in the room. And if such petty things could truly send them packing, who wants them anyway?
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Old 04-15-2021, 09:38 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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OWIS, just sent my letter to my AH! I will admit, it felt great to say what I wanted to say for me, rather than worrying about how he would feel and how it would affect him. I wouldn’t say it’s a great letter, in fact it’s probably far from perfect. But it felt so good to give myself a break from being “perfect” because I’m scared to hurt him!

Also, I just found out he pierced his eyebrow yesterday. 🙄
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Old 04-16-2021, 12:38 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Pierced his eyebrow-----OMG----;now, every tall bike riding female in the country will be after him!
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Old 04-24-2021, 12:35 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by ohwellitsspring View Post
Hi. I’ve never posted here before. My alcoholic partner of 5 years just broke up with me last week. It wasn’t the first time; it will be the last. It goes like this: everything seems to be fine. We have a nice day. Then he ambushes me and says a bunch of stuff that doesn’t make sense about how he can’t love me enough and wants a ‘transcendent love’ and lists some made up flaws I have and tells me he loves me more than he has ever loved anyone and can easily imagine spending his life with me but he doesn’t want to be with me.
Oh my god my partner of SIX MONTHS did this exact same thing to me, saying the same things!? I'm sorry this happened to you twice in *5 years*! God what a sad reality if this is the way they continually avoid what they have in front of them in an attempt to exert power and control. Sending lots of love to you, you did the right thing by walking away and it seems like you've got a lot of inner strength and have done a lot of work already. You deserve so much better than this and I'm sorry you went through this. The made-up flaws thing is something that, from my ex's own mouth, they know is absolute ******** after a while, so I'm confident that they'll realise how stupid they are - perhaps too late from the sounds of it and good for you. I'm rooting for you!
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Old 04-24-2021, 04:05 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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I remember dating sites after I was widowed. One fellow wrote that he "wanted someone to intuit his feelings."

I read that as, "Do all the work in the relationship and accept the fact I'll dump you and you'll be at fault for not being clairvoyant." Sometimes the drinking is a symptom of the problem, but not the *whole* problem.

Transcendent love? For someone over the age of 13, pretty ridiculous. But a great excuse to end it - to be used again and again.
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Old 04-24-2021, 06:13 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by ohwellitsspring View Post
Then he ambushes me and says a bunch of stuff that doesn’t make sense about how he can’t love me enough and wants a ‘transcendent love’ and lists some made up flaws I have and tells me he loves me more than he has ever loved anyone and can easily imagine spending his life with me but he doesn’t want to be with me.
This part made me giggle. And I’m sorry, I know that it’s not a funny situation, but I just remembered myself listening to a bunch of BS like this from my X and trying to make sense of it all. But there was none!

I haven’t told ex anything. I mean I have while we were together, and the amount of nerves I wasted is incredible, but I haven’t told him anything at the end. I texted some stuff just putting some facts to his face, but it was mostly for ME, not for HIM to understand smth.

I believe they actually know, deep inside, how much hurt they caused, but they have the ability to burry it very veeeeeery far and deep. So my suggestion is - if you do it for yourself and expect nothing in return (and you should take time to analyze that) then go for it. Otherwise probably take the suggestion of writing a letter and not sending it!

I wish you to heal from it all and to take care of yourself, you deserve it!
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