ddesigns

So my AG has decided to try to give sobriety another try, which I believe is great. I really do, I want to see her get healthy, above everything else. But honestly I can't help but feel a little resentful. I have been by her side through thick and thin, have always been there when she called, yada yada yada, all the same stuff I see posted by many others struggling with the same types of situation. Last week she was admitted to the hospital, by one of her new found AA friends. She calls me though, to come comfort her. Which I did, I know co-dependent and enabling. But I feel like if I don't she will see it as abandonment, which I believe may be part of her issues (though we all have issues and that shouldn't cause her to drink herself to death)
At any rate, I asked her last week (and she was sober, albeit had only been so for a few hours) if she wanted me to be a part of her recovery that I needed to be an active part. Since she started AA, it seems she has pulled back from me even more, she even said herself that she did things to keep me at arms bay. Of course her reasoning is because she says I deserve better. And one day she says she loves me, the next she is not sure, it is just all over the place. All I know is that leading up to AA, her drinking was getting really bad (I don't drink). This last time, one of her AA buddies (who happens to be loaded, go figure smh) has now offered to put her up in her place to 'keep an eye on her', until we can finish out the semester (she is a teacher) and she can get herself into a 3-month rehab over the summer. She has been off twice to rehab in the last two years, and I do believe her when she says she wants to quit. She told me last seek she never thought it would be this hard.
Anyway, so the next day after being released from the hospital, she tells me that she does love me, and wants me to be there when she comes out the other side. But after talking to her rehab friend that is putting her up (she has decided to go live with her and her husband, this lady is three years sober) Well then she proceeds to 'put me on ice' yet again. She has done this to me several times over the last six months. Telling me she needs her space, she will call me when she is ready, etc. The last time was supposed to be for 30, which she made it to 19 and then I got the call from her last week.
I am starting to think that all I am is a validation for her that someone out there still cares. And now that she has her new found friends, she doesn't need me anymore.
So I listened, and when she said she would 'be in touch', I tried to wait it out again but this time I just couldn't handle it. So I texted (I know, it should have been face to face but the situation just didn't allow that) but I texted her and explained I had to take care of my mental health. I loved her, and I wanted to be there for her but I just couldn't anymore until she got herself sober. It was taking too big a toll on my. I even said that hopefully once she had a bit of sobriety under her belt, perhaps she might come see me and we could talk. Her response was fairly simplistic, talking about how so much stuff good and bad had happened since we met (no explanation as to what that meant??) but she also says she wasn't ignoring me to try and hurt me, but rather 'it was what she needed to do to focus on herself' and she needed to ignore me 'until she felt better'.
I tell you, I love this woman to death, but it is all a bunch of BS. If she needs to put people on 'ice', then why doesn't she put her new found best friend from AA on ice? Why is it that I am the only one that she seems to have placed into this 'category of avoidance', only to make hints that she wants to try again 'after she has time to get herself straight'. It all makes no sense, and believe me I was very supportive about her plans, even said I agreed with what she was doing even though I am skeptical about how a stranger can suddenly become her best friend and my AH not see all of the times I was there, and want to keep me as a part of her recovery efforts. I was/am attending Al Anon, I was giving her her space, I was trying to do everything she said she needed to help. Yet it just seems that we are growing further and further apart.
So now I won't even know where she goes, or if she even goes to a rehab facility. I am in the dark completely, and it would appear that is just where she wants me to be. I know I am better off without an alcoholic in my life, but it hurts when you have fallen in love and you were the one there through all of the sorrow and pain (her mom died in the middle of all this and I was right there, supporting and being compassionate), I have picked her up so many times drunk, taken her to the hospital to try and get her sober, put up with the days on end when I couldn't contact her because she had locked herself in her room and wouldn't let nayone in or answer her phone, just all kinds of things that are not normal or healthy.
I guess I have finally come to the realization that alcoholics tend to string people along, and it was my fault for sticking around thinking I could make a difference. So now I am just mad as hell, and really just want to stop thinking about her, but I did truly love her and I really thought we were building towards a healthy relationship. At one time, that is what she wanted to, at least that is what all the words she stated. But as the drinking progressively got worse (and I could not believe how quickly it got worse over a period of two years, even though she has been struggling with this for at least ten) she gave me less and less time with her, even just from a simple phone conversation or text.
One time I got very angry and blew up at her over her drinking. I didn't get physical but I said a lot of things, some that I admit were over the top and blatantly hurtful about who I felt she was when drinking. That was nearly a year ago, and yet she still brings that up from time to time, claiming that is one of the things that makes her unsure about me. WTF? I have apologized repeatedly, and she says she 'understands' it was due to her drinking, but I don't think she has ever forgiven me, and I certainly know she hasn't forgotten. But it seems she holds this grudge against me, while all along knowing that it was a reaction to her continual drinking. I know, they are not rational thinkers, but I jsut felt like she was judging me without the benefit of examining her own role in the situation. I guess that is the status quo for a drunk. I just want to be able to forget about all this, and get on with my life. But I have zero friends to do anything with, everyone is married and has kids. So I have discovered I became co-dependent on her to make me happy, cause I would rather be with a drunk than with no one at all. But I was miserable when I was with her, and I am miserable without her. And now that she has finally decided to go to long term care, I selfishly think great, she finally is going to get sober, and completely forget about me and what she put me through or how I was there for her all the time. Instead, she will place me into this 'problem category' and find solace in a bunch of strangers. It all makes no sense. And I am at my wits end, depressed, want to reach out and see how it is going with her, what her plans are, etc. even though I am the one that broke it off this time. WTH is wrong with us? Why do we let these people do this to us and not just wash our hands and be done with them? Like everyone else says about their drunk, they can be so charming and loveable when they aren't drinking, but a really crappy person when they are.

SparkleKitty

I think it's important to recognize that no one is drinking 'at' us, or recovering 'at' us. It sort of sounds like she is realizing that her addiction has turned her life upside and is trying to figure out what to do about that. On top of that she is trying to do that without the only coping mechanism she has been able to rely on (for better or worse) for however long she's been drinking. I am sure it sounds like BS to you...but maybe she's doing the best she can. She isn't relationship material right now--not by a long shot--and there isn't anything you can do to change that. If she is going to survive her addiction and recover, she is going to need to focus on it 100% right now.

I also think your recognition that you would rather be with a drink than with no one at all is super-important. Why? You deserve better than someone who is incapable of being emotionally available. You further deserve the time and space away from her addiction and recovery to realize that for yourself.

ddesigns

Thank you SparkleKitty, and I do realize that but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. It doesn't make that proverbial pill any easier to swallow. And when all you want to do is play the game, but the coach keeps making you sit the bench, you begin to wonder if the coach even cares. If you are just waiting for the inevitable 'hey we are winning this game now, but no thanks to you....in fact why are you even still here, you are just taking up space." It is belittling and downright destructive to my self-esteem. I am a great man, did wonderful things for her, she even said herself she had never been with someone who was so thoughtful, yet none of that seems to matter. And I could say well once she gets sober for a few months, maybe she will realize that and come back. But that keeps me in a perpetual state of what I call purgatory. Yet because I love her so much I would be willing to do that, and probably will sub-consciously even though I am trying my best to leave her behind.
IDK a big part of me sees how everyone seems to say 'give them a break, they are an alcoholic and it is a disease'.....when we would never accept that kind of behavior from anyone else. I am just starting to think love is a big waste of time, leaving nothing but sorrow and misery in it's wake. And I feel like a fool to allow someone to walk all over me, yet the very next moment I would lie down in front of a bus for her, if that would make any difference. My own mind is a horrible place, with so many confusing thoughts and 'options' that it starts to become really debilitating, all I have been able to do for the last three days is worry, sleep, confused if I did the right thing, sleep, wonder what she is up to today, sleep, get angry, sleep, wake up confused, go back to sleep. Sleep is my only relief.

honeypig

dd, don't know if you've done so already, but reading around the forum might give you some perspective on your situation. While your situation is painful, it can be helpful to see how others have dealt w/similar ones. For me, the realization that neither my A nor I were some kind of special snowflake wasn't depressing; it was actually quite freeing. If others had been down this road and lived to not only tell the tale but be happy, well then there should certainly be hope for me!

Being "willing to lie down in front of a bus for her" seems terribly romantic and white-knight-ish, but ultimately only one person is gonna save her, and it's not you. Get some space and some clarity. Get your feet on the ground again. Read as much as you can here, perhaps check out an Alanon meeting. And keep the focus where it belongs--on you, not her.

dandylion

ddesigns......I think you are grieving the loss of the relationship. And, I can tell you that grieving a broken romantic relationship can be as close to a "walk through the fires of hell as you can get". You seem to be experiencing all of the symptoms of this acute stage of grief, right now. It is hard to concentrate---a myriad of different swirling emotions---feeling only relief through sleep (when you can get it)
obsessional thoughts about the relationship and re-examining it over and over. Actually, these are typical symptoms and are normal for the early grief that you seem to be experiencing. I have been exactly where you are and I have seen countless others go through the same thing.
You did what so many of us humans have done----became attracted to and developed "love" feelings for someone who was/is unhealthy for you. Once you have bonded to another in this way---it is always exquisitely painful to break those bonds. No matter how unhealthy it was for you---there is still the painful grief period that you have to go through---because that is how we are wired. as humans---That sucks, but that is the reality.
It is going to take you a while to get through this grieving period. Think in months, rather than days. You will go through stages, as time passes--and, right now is the most acute stage. You will heal, gradually....and, sometimes, in fits and starts. You WILL heal...you WON"T always feel like this.
I
I suggest, for right now---make the goal to get through each day---and count each day that you get through as a "victory". I consider the very best thing for you is Other Human Contact. I am a professional medical healing professional and I know this to be the most healing factor for suffering of the kind that you are going through.
I suggest that you hit every alanon meeting you can possibly find.
Cry if you feel like crying. Crying is one way that Nature helps us/
Talk to other live humans every time you get a chance...lol--strangers on the street if they are friendly enough.
Get outside and do physical exercise of some kind every single day---do not underestimate this. Go for long walks. Feed the birds and ducks. Walk the neighbor's dogs, if they will let you.
Go to the edge of the woods---and yell out to the heavens all of your feelings---your anger and your disappointment and anything that comes into your head----I swear by this!
*Get yourself a personal therapist or counselor--immediately---and, see them as often as you possibly can do* You will need this for about 2 years, at least, for all of your feelings and issues.
Take car e of yourself and your health---good diet/daily exercise/get good sleep.
Distract yourself as much as you can---with whatever works for you---movies, music, reading, etc.
Begin to educate yourself. This is very important. Educate yourself on alcoholism. You will find hundreds of articles in our "Sticky" section. Also, read all of the articles in the section--the forum at the ver bottom of the website---called "The Best of Sober Recovery". View youtube videos on alcoholism and co-dependence.

Read the book "Co-Dependent No More" This book is essential.

I hope that you will stick around and read and post often. There is sooo much to learn...and, this is one of the most supportive places that you can find, by those who have walked in your shoes and understand beyond mere words.
Don't be a stranger.

SparkleKitty

A willingness to keep yourself in purgatory for someone who has not treated you well is a sign that you need help, too, my friend.

When we give of ourselves, we do so at the risk of not receiving back in kind. Sometimes we give to people who aren't capable of giving back. That happens. When we do it over and over again, expecting a different result, then the problem we need to address is within.

dandylion's post is full of amazing advice that can put you on a path where you never have to feel this way again.

dandylion

I think that the above statement by SparkleKitty-------"When we give of ourselves, we do so at the risk of not receiving back in kind"------I put this into the category of "Universal Truth".
I think that it takes many of us a long time to discover this truth, in life. I wish it was talked about more......
I especially, think that co-dependents need to know this. It could save a lot of self-inflicted pain---and, help sooo much as we make important decisions regarding our own welfare.

I wish I had a penny for every time it is said on this forum, by a person who is in deep emotional pain-----"I don't understand why he/she is treating me so poorly---after i was the one who was there for all of their problems and pain".
Another thought---along the same lines----When we do for another something that they can and should be doing for themselves--when we are the Rescuer and they play the Victim----before it is over---the roles will reverse and we become the "victim". In other words---"The Rescuer will become the Victim".