Setting boundaries
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 5
Setting boundaries
Hi - Sorry this is such a mess, and so long. My husband is freshly committed to recovery from alcohol abuse and binge drinking. He is a functioning alcoholic. He had tried reducing before and it doesn’t work. Now he does not want to drink at all, but says he doesn’t require a dry environment to do so. I want our house to be a dry environment, for a number of reasons. I chose not to drink at all as of a couple weeks ago - I am only an occasional drinker anyways like max 10 drinks A YEAR 😃 How do I set boundaries, especially for my in laws? If you come to my house, do not bring drinks because I do not want it in my life or in my child’s life.I was ready to separate from my husband over his drinking but he is attending counselling now - I did not ask him to. I was ready to walk out the door! This is all uncharted territories for me too. What do I do? I am attending Al-Anon - and I am re-reading CoDependent no more. There is such a fine line between trying to control alcohol use vs. setting healthy boundaries. Obviously there is a lot more to this story, so please go easy on me.
I hit rock bottom over an incident that involved drinking and also involved my husband’s parents. As in they all got drunk and had an massive out of control argument. On my child’s birthday. I called them all out on that and many other things. I am finally standing up for myself. While his parents sent an email of apology that seemed sincere, they’ve been stonewalling me since. I am upset with them for that reason and also because while my husband does have a serious drinking problem, his parents are also alcohol abusers and are more than happy to drink with him - until things blow up and then it’s always my husband that’s made to feel guilty. Some narcissistic parenting traits going on too between them.
My husband wants to go on a dinner date with me and have his parents look after our child. I would be okay not to have this date but my husband is very eager and I guess I am trying to save our marriage 😢 I am okay with my in laws babysitting as long as there is no drinking. 🤷🏻♀️
I am planning to send following text.
“...... If you would like to look after xxxxx that night, you would be welcome to and it would be appreciated. If you choose to come, I would like to ask you not to bring any alcohol with you. If this request or any of what happened recently makes you upset, angry or resentful, then please do not come. There will be other opportunities for you to see xxxxx.
Hope you guys are having a good week.”
Any input is appreciated. Thank you.
I hit rock bottom over an incident that involved drinking and also involved my husband’s parents. As in they all got drunk and had an massive out of control argument. On my child’s birthday. I called them all out on that and many other things. I am finally standing up for myself. While his parents sent an email of apology that seemed sincere, they’ve been stonewalling me since. I am upset with them for that reason and also because while my husband does have a serious drinking problem, his parents are also alcohol abusers and are more than happy to drink with him - until things blow up and then it’s always my husband that’s made to feel guilty. Some narcissistic parenting traits going on too between them.
My husband wants to go on a dinner date with me and have his parents look after our child. I would be okay not to have this date but my husband is very eager and I guess I am trying to save our marriage 😢 I am okay with my in laws babysitting as long as there is no drinking. 🤷🏻♀️
I am planning to send following text.
“...... If you would like to look after xxxxx that night, you would be welcome to and it would be appreciated. If you choose to come, I would like to ask you not to bring any alcohol with you. If this request or any of what happened recently makes you upset, angry or resentful, then please do not come. There will be other opportunities for you to see xxxxx.
Hope you guys are having a good week.”
Any input is appreciated. Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Healthy boundaries are guidelines you develop for yourself, to determine what you will do when you are confronted with a situation that is unacceptable to you.
Rules are limitations you put in place to attempt to control other people's behavior.
Rules are, in general, kind of a waste of time, since you can't control other people's behavior. Your in-laws, and your recent interactions with them, are proof of that.
If your in-laws bring booze to your house, I would suggest taking yourself and your child out for the evening or for whatever time they are there.
If you ask your in-laws not to drink while baby-sitting your child and they refuse, I would find another babysitter.
You are dealing with a lot of people with alcohol-related issues, and at least two of them do not seem ready to deal with that. Not for you, their son, or their grandchild. Unfortunately, that's their right and privilege, and all you can really do is look out for yourself and your kid as best you can.
Sending you strength and patience--this is NOT easy stuff to deal with.
Rules are limitations you put in place to attempt to control other people's behavior.
Rules are, in general, kind of a waste of time, since you can't control other people's behavior. Your in-laws, and your recent interactions with them, are proof of that.
If your in-laws bring booze to your house, I would suggest taking yourself and your child out for the evening or for whatever time they are there.
If you ask your in-laws not to drink while baby-sitting your child and they refuse, I would find another babysitter.
You are dealing with a lot of people with alcohol-related issues, and at least two of them do not seem ready to deal with that. Not for you, their son, or their grandchild. Unfortunately, that's their right and privilege, and all you can really do is look out for yourself and your kid as best you can.
Sending you strength and patience--this is NOT easy stuff to deal with.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
It's great that your husband is committed to recovery and your marriage
will have a chance to be saved. If you read around on here, you will quickly
find out that the recovery period is very difficult to navigate through and
requires much patience, compassion, & commitment - from both of you.
The dry house rule is just that to me it seems. More a rule than a boundary
for you. It's a good rule considering the chaos and grief with the inlaws,
but the best thing would be for your husband to inform his parents of this rule
and that he wants peace in his home. You doing it puts you in the middle- avoid
at all costs.
If his parents protest, it is a very good indication of how supportive they will
be with his recovery, and best to get a babysitter and give things time.
will have a chance to be saved. If you read around on here, you will quickly
find out that the recovery period is very difficult to navigate through and
requires much patience, compassion, & commitment - from both of you.
The dry house rule is just that to me it seems. More a rule than a boundary
for you. It's a good rule considering the chaos and grief with the inlaws,
but the best thing would be for your husband to inform his parents of this rule
and that he wants peace in his home. You doing it puts you in the middle- avoid
at all costs.
If his parents protest, it is a very good indication of how supportive they will
be with his recovery, and best to get a babysitter and give things time.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
If your intention is you don't want alcohol in your house/around you and your child, that's probably a discussion you will need to have with your Husband, to get him on board. Since this will be a rule rather than a personal boundary and you both share the house.
If he is onboard and makes his parents aware of this new rule, all fine and well!
Perhaps that is the place to start. I would see how that goes.
If no one else is onboard, well then your boundary comes in to play. You get a different baby sitter, you remove yourself and your child from their home (or yours), if visiting, if alcohol is being served etc. Whatever that boundary is.
If he is onboard and makes his parents aware of this new rule, all fine and well!
Perhaps that is the place to start. I would see how that goes.
If no one else is onboard, well then your boundary comes in to play. You get a different baby sitter, you remove yourself and your child from their home (or yours), if visiting, if alcohol is being served etc. Whatever that boundary is.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 5
Thank you for everyone who did reply. Lots to think about.
The issue is this: my husband would be okay with a non dry house. I am not okay with it, and I am especially not okay with his parents drinking (any amount of) alcohol at my house. Even if it’s one beer each.
My husband will not have this conversation with them because he is wired to please his parents, even at the cost of them hurting me. There is a long history of my husband not standing up for me and our family because he’s been conditioned to try and please his parents first. It’s a very sad situation. So me sending this text would be my way of standing up to them as well. I understand it’s a rule but it’s my house and my rules. I am so ready to leave this relationship, especially if they (husband and his parents) push back on such a “simple” request. All I want is some peace in my house and to feel that I have some sort of power. At least in my own house (which is already hard because my in laws lived in this house for 4 decades before we bought it).
The issue is this: my husband would be okay with a non dry house. I am not okay with it, and I am especially not okay with his parents drinking (any amount of) alcohol at my house. Even if it’s one beer each.
My husband will not have this conversation with them because he is wired to please his parents, even at the cost of them hurting me. There is a long history of my husband not standing up for me and our family because he’s been conditioned to try and please his parents first. It’s a very sad situation. So me sending this text would be my way of standing up to them as well. I understand it’s a rule but it’s my house and my rules. I am so ready to leave this relationship, especially if they (husband and his parents) push back on such a “simple” request. All I want is some peace in my house and to feel that I have some sort of power. At least in my own house (which is already hard because my in laws lived in this house for 4 decades before we bought it).
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I understand. I would just be prepared with a back up plan for any occasion where they decide not to follow your rules.
This can either be about finding peace within yourself or it can be about being right, but not both.
This can either be about finding peace within yourself or it can be about being right, but not both.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Pineapple....it looks to me like you will have some serious, heavy decision making, if you want to raise your child in a non-alcoholic environment. From what you have shared, it looks like the numbers are not on your side. He comes from an alcoholic family that he engages with----with drinking a part of the "family culture". He is closely aligned with his parents and wants an alcoholic home, himself.
Speaking bluntly (sorry, I don't know a better way to sugar coat this)....you are the "outsider", genetically speaking, and, most always, blood is thicker than water.
This is how alcoholism or any other behaviors are passed down, generationally.
It would be wonderful if your husband were to reach genuine recovery and practice recovery principles for the rest of his life (as there is no "cure")----but, from what you have shared, it sounds to me like he is dong very little to ensure this. I am giving you the following link to an article that I think is a pretty good yardstick. It might be h elpful for you, right now.
It may be that he is trying to make just enough effort to keep you from leaving. It seems to be working for him, so far.
Be prepared for whatever may come/ There is sooo much to learn about alcoholism and the effects on the family.
Knowledge is power
10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of Crap - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of Crap)
Speaking bluntly (sorry, I don't know a better way to sugar coat this)....you are the "outsider", genetically speaking, and, most always, blood is thicker than water.
This is how alcoholism or any other behaviors are passed down, generationally.
It would be wonderful if your husband were to reach genuine recovery and practice recovery principles for the rest of his life (as there is no "cure")----but, from what you have shared, it sounds to me like he is dong very little to ensure this. I am giving you the following link to an article that I think is a pretty good yardstick. It might be h elpful for you, right now.
It may be that he is trying to make just enough effort to keep you from leaving. It seems to be working for him, so far.
Be prepared for whatever may come/ There is sooo much to learn about alcoholism and the effects on the family.
Knowledge is power
10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of Crap - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of Crap)
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,982
Welcome Pineapple. I'm so glad you found us and hope you get lots of support here. Sadly many times our qualifiers (alcoholic with whom we have a relationship) are not successful in obtaining recovery. Also that first year can be just a complete hell for everyone involved.
I concur with everyone about setting out a rule for your inlaws versus having a boundary for yourself. It would be wonderful if your inlaws and husband followed this rule that you set but that is not in your control. Furthermore with alcohol in the driver's seat, they are unlikely to have any interest in obeying. Ugh.
I hope you can come up with a plan of what you will do in the likely scenario that your in-laws bring alcohol to your house. This is beyond not fun and difficult.
Peace and courage to you.
I concur with everyone about setting out a rule for your inlaws versus having a boundary for yourself. It would be wonderful if your inlaws and husband followed this rule that you set but that is not in your control. Furthermore with alcohol in the driver's seat, they are unlikely to have any interest in obeying. Ugh.
I hope you can come up with a plan of what you will do in the likely scenario that your in-laws bring alcohol to your house. This is beyond not fun and difficult.
Peace and courage to you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,545
It would seem over-reaching to tell your in-laws they aren't allowed to drink while baby-sitting in their own home, and you can't really control if they sneak booze into YOUR home when you aren't there. Maybe the date night has to be budgeted to include a non-related baby-sitter. I think I see what your husband might be thinking: he can't avoid booze forever- people drink in restaurants, at ball games, at parties.
I'd agree with you, though, that having a drug-free environment in your own home is your choice. Perhaps the invitations from the two of you should inexplicably stop, you visit at their home, and leave when they drink. (So I guess, visit in the morning?)
I'd agree with you, though, that having a drug-free environment in your own home is your choice. Perhaps the invitations from the two of you should inexplicably stop, you visit at their home, and leave when they drink. (So I guess, visit in the morning?)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 76
Personally I think a phone call with the direct information would be much better---openly discussing is always a better way and you can explain it without coming off a certain way that they interpret and possibly not like. No clue about the relationship you have with them but live convos are way better in my opinion in every case.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 229
Rather than getting yourself stressed by your ‘rules’ for them, simply get a reliable baby sitter. No grandparents who insist on drinking around grandchildren should be allowed to do so. You have enough problems dealing with your AH, why ,are your life more complicated? Only bite off what you can deal with.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by Pineapplepaper 
I hit rock bottom over an incident that involved drinking and also involved my husband’s parents.
The notion of rock bottom is the belief that when things get bad enough, we will change or they will change. But the thing is, things can always get worse. If you think they can't, just keep waiting for rock bottom. Things can always get worse. And conversely, we don't have to wait for things to get horrendous in order for us to change. In truth, there is no such thing as rock bottom. There is just a day on which we can choose to think differently - and thereby do differently.
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