Mashabo

That’s funny how every time I feel good I think I’ll stay at that point and won’t go back, even though I know it’s a damn process I have to go through.

I started missing him, think about him, obsessing over my thoughts. Then I ask myself “What the heck do you miss?” “Well there were good moments”. Then I read that thread about “intermittent chicken” and wow, that is most definitely me. I probably miss that “reward” which is ridiculous, because in between he treated me badly and abused me emotionally. He cheated on me, lied to me and divorced me, so how can that still be not enough for someone to stop thinking about their ex?

And besides it’s been 7 months already, come on...

So why the heck do I miss him? I start wondering where he is, what he does, what if he has changed, became better (and this is so ridiculous, cuz he surely did not), what if he gives love to someone that he didn’t give me ( love? What?) , what if he will become the best husband for someone and I had to eat sht (thought I know I didn’t HAVE TO, it was my choice) - those thoughts are just so silly and disturbing.

I,of course, do not contact him, and he doesn’t contact me (which I have mixed feelings about: my ego wants him to reach out, and my healthy side says it’s better this way because I’d feel worse)

I don’t even know if the divorce is final, I suppose it is as his granny said a months ago that the papers were to come out that week (a months ago). I don’t want to reach out to him to ask, but at the same time it’s so damn stupid of him not to inform me that it is final, as he was the one who was in charge of doing it. That just proves that to him the marriage was nothing more than a piece of paper that he thinks it’s not necessary to tell me about it.

So all in all I’m kind of a mess right now and I’m grateful to have this space where I can vent and feel a tiny bit better!

Ariesagain

Mashabo, here is your first post here, from last November. Pretend you’re reading about someone else...that person went through so much confusion, stress, and manipulation...does she really need to beat herself up because she’s not over it in 7 months?
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...d-divorce.html (He asked for divorce...)

Let’s not forget the last year has been a huge mess for the entire world...then you were dealing with all of this on top of it?

Be kind to yourself. You’re not over it because you are a loving, kind person who feels things deeply. Those are all good qualities, right?

It will pass, eventually. But grieving is the hardest work there is and there’s no way to control how long it takes or how predictable it will be.

Sending you a hug. You WILL get through this, I promise.



P.S. Call his grandmother directly. You have every right to know.

Bowielover7

Please don’t beat yourself up! It is so hard to let go. And while it’s codependent and up to us to go within, the heart wants what the heart wants. Love doesn’t normally disappear.

For whatever reason, humans choose to think of the good memories. When I do that it’s because I wanted my person so badly to be who I needed him to be, but I refused to see him for who he was.

This past year with Covid lockdown also gives us more time to ruminate. You’re not alone. I share your pain. It hurts and it takes more time than we’d like to move forward.

trailmix

Normally the court will send you a copy of the final decree, unless they didn't give them your address? I would absolutely call the court first and if they are no help, I would call the grandmother.

No, 7 months isn't that long in this instance, but there are things that can help you move forward (slowly but surely).

Have you written a list of all the terrible things he has done, in a kind of point form? That's handy to have when the "good times" start going through your mind. Nobody wants to focus on the bad stuff you know? I always think it's kind of like breaking your leg. That hurts! A year or two after that will you be thinking about that? Probably not, you will be thinking of how your neighbour brought you dinner for a week and how your workmates all signed your cast and checked in on you all day to see if you needed coffee etc etc

So a list that you can refer to (20 times a day if needed) is really handy.

Another thing is, with covid around, you probably aren't getting out much or seeing other people or doing much of anything? That can't really be helped right now but you can go for walks, visit businesses that are allowed to be open, go for a drive, join online groups, Al Anon perhaps, speak to your family and friends in your home country. Anything that kind of cheers you up a bit and makes it less lonely. Online courses? Learn another language?

Once you start doing things it will get easier, your focus will start to shift to your life and whatever you are up to.

Mashabo

Aries: “Be kind to yourself. You’re not over it because you are a loving, kind person who feels things deeply. Those are all good qualities, right?”

Thank you so much for these words. Reading it comforted me so much! I hope It will finish and I have enough strength to go though it.

Bowie: “Love doesn’t normally disappear.”

Couldn’t agree more. I think it’s hard not to love someone you once loved.

“When I do that it’s because I wanted my person so badly to be who I needed him to be, but I refused to see him for who he was.”

I think that’s my biggest problem. It’s still hard to accept him for who he is and not for who he pretended to be and who I imagined him to be. It’s so damn hard I don’t even know when will I fully see him as he is - cuz then I’ll be free.

Ttrailmix: Yea, he knows my address, he supposedly asked me about it for the lawyer. I’ll ask my XMIL where can I call, cuz here it’s not court, but notary who was doing it.

About the list, you are right. I definitely need to do it. So far I’ve been just trying to bring the memory of what he has done, not read the list. But you are right, that’s much more convenient.

I wouldn’t say that the quarantine here is strict, I walk a lot with my dog, maybe sometimes I don’t have enough connections with people and it’s the reason, but it’s 100% true that as soon as I’m busy with smth I feel much better.

emmab219

Don't beat yourself up.

I missed my ex so much after I left. The first year is always the hardest in my opinion. You have to get through so many major milestones, events, and holidays on your own. It does get easier. It's okay to miss him and to think about the happier moments. I think that's a normal part of the grieving process. One of these days, you will get to the other side and it's like the light has finally gone on.

It's been two year this month for me. I still think about him sometimes and wonder if he's okay, and where he is. But I don't miss him anymore.

trailmix

hey Mashabo, how are you doing?