pizza67

I am getting my ducks in a row, but until then, I try to maintain civility. So I was talking about COVID shots and who gets them now, at dinner. He abruptly tells me that small talk makes him uncomfortable because I haven’t made any “repair efforts” and if I want to talk to him then I should talk about things that he cares about, like “faith and morality”.

WOW

What sort of a-holery is this? Unbelievable.

trailmix

Sounds like a good time to either talk to the kids when they are there and when they aren't, a good book for you to read is in order perhaps (I wouldn't even sit with him, but hey, that's me lol).

It's nice that you want to try but it is a waste of your time and effort.

pizza67

It’s more for my own peace. I haven’t stated plans aloud.

Ariesagain

Wow. That’s some world-class grandiosity. He does enjoy poking you with a stick until you react, doesn’t he. My ex husband was the same way. He’d poke and poke until I’d cry or lose my temper and then he’d sneer at me being “too emotional.”

Your husband needs a new hobby. Get him a pet scorpion or Venus fly trap or a snake he can feed live rats to while you get the heck out of there.

pizza67

lol 😂 Yes, pompous is an understatement. He also likes to throw marriage counseling theory buzzwords to criticize me. Like “repair efforts.” Problem is, I’m a mental health professional; he is decidedly not. He thinks he’s got a better handle on that than I do?!?!

pizza67

oh and btw I didn’t react. I got up cause I finished eating, and walked away!

dandylion

Next time he wants to talk heavy.....perhaps you could invite him to talk about the Horsemen of the Apocalypse. He ought to know a lot about that.

pizza67

Yep he’s been throwing that at me. Problem is, I tried to warn him for decades that he was engaging in those. And he is such a narcissist that he thinks his internet browsing knowledge of Gottman trumps my advanced degree and decades of experience...

dandylion

pizza......as you probably know, if you stop reacting to an offending behavior---the other party will often increase that behavior--at First----to try to get you to react, again. So, good for you in being able to ignore him and walk away.

Bekindalways

Good to hear you are getting some ducks in a row. I hope those ducks help get you the heck out of the situation you are in. This past year looks like it has been so tough to get through.

Courage to you Pizza; keep taking that next right step.

pizza67

Here’s a new one. He had a minor outpatient medical procedure (that I also had a couple years ago). Despite my disgust for his behavior, I have asked him how he’s feeling, offered to get him things, made food that he can eat, etc. Today he stands in the middle of the room and pronounces that “at no point have I touched him to comfort him in his pain.”

——————insert tiny violin——————

Not even mad, I see through it. As was recently pointed out to me, nothing I could do would ever be good enough, because it’s not about his
stated desire for me to show “repair efforts” and be affectionate, it’s about maintaining his self-concept as the sane and holy victim in a houseful of abusive infidels. How nice.

Bekindalways

Yep Pizza, this is more quacking. Nothing you can do except keep getting those ducks lined up and headed towards getting yourself out of the situation.

It is both tragic and infuriating but also the hard core reality of living with an alcoholic.

What is your next right step?

trailmix

If that is in fact his self-concept, can't be sure from day to day.

His responses are very immature, perhaps if you start thinking of them that way they may not annoy you.

pizza67

Alcoholics are bound by shame. So he spreads his out us and tries to choke us with it. (Metaphorically)

Today I heard that his “life as he knew it is over, but that’s okay because it was built on other people’s lies.” I also heard that he’s “learned a lot about humanity over the course of this year” and that he is shocked that he’s been so gullible and naive for his whole life.

Implication of course being I/we caused all of this. So, having had enough, I said his thinking is neither helpful to him nor to anyone else, and there’s nothing that anyone can do to change his perspective. I added that this situation is really sad and I was sorry that he’s miserable. Then I told him I’m going to make lunch now.

dandylion

sounds to me like a fairly even response without engaging too deeply and changing the subject and redirecting your attention elsewhere.
Sure, some people do have shame---but, he seems to be determined to project himself all over his loved ones, and ride the victim role hard.

trailmix

You know when you describe what he says to you, like that line above: “life as he knew it is over, but that’s okay because it was built on other people’s lies.”

I always picture him in some dramatic role on stage, with a red velvet cape, swinging the cape around with one hand.

He speaks like he's in a play.

Ariesagain

Right? Written by him, starring him, produced by him, staged by him, lighting by him, sets by him, wardrobe by him...I am a bit amazed, Pizza, that you don’t burst out laughing after some of these soliloquies.

I wonder what would happen if you did?

pizza67

Yep. Weirdly formal pronouncements. Lectures. PowerPoints on morality, presented to children. I have recently burst out laughing a few times. I was
told that I was treating him with contempt, because ya know he’s the master of Gottman therapy...🙃

trailmix

He does lectures with ********** to your children?

pizza67

Because of the censoring, I can’t tell what you said. When they were younger, he sometimes had them
watch “presentations” on working together as a family in faith, doing chores, etc. Truly bizarre.