Suggestions for keeping boundaries in place?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Gaithersburg, MD
Posts: 19
Suggestions for keeping boundaries in place?
My ASIL is now back at her mother's house, at least temporarily. She was staying with us until last weekend, but started drinking and acting up, so I asked her to leave. It turned ugly, and she ended up being held for two days and nights for psychiatric evaluation.
It became obvious within days of her coming to stay with us that she didn't want to stop drinking. She celebrated signing up for an outpatient treatment plan by buying a bottle! I know that it is only a matter of time (days, hours, minutes?) before she drinks again. Her mother is actively enabling her, and I expect her to ask us to "help" yet again. The thing is, my H and I have really had it. Our home was such a sick place while ASIL was staying with us, and we are so grateful to have each other, that we will do anything to try to live normally now. It's amazing what sharing someone's elses' problems will do for your perspective! In order to keep our newfound sanity, my H thinks we should seriously consider moving several states away in order to "separate" ourselves from the family "sickness" as much as possible. I think that his ASIL and the rest of his family are only ever a phone call away, and that physical proximity won't do much. ASIL and the rest of his family are about 4 hours away right now.
So, how do we handle the inevitable calls for help that I know are forthcoming? How do we say "sorry, but we can't help you" in a nice way, but mean it, when ASIL or her mother call demanding our financial assistance for one of ASIL's many money problems? She also left a piece of original artwork at our home, supposedly worth about $8,000, that my H promised to take digital photos of so she could sell the art on the internet. If he does that, isn't that enabling her too? Ideally, the money is supposed to be for a security deposit and maybe first and last month's rent on her own apartment, but she doesn't even have a job...what do you guys think?
It became obvious within days of her coming to stay with us that she didn't want to stop drinking. She celebrated signing up for an outpatient treatment plan by buying a bottle! I know that it is only a matter of time (days, hours, minutes?) before she drinks again. Her mother is actively enabling her, and I expect her to ask us to "help" yet again. The thing is, my H and I have really had it. Our home was such a sick place while ASIL was staying with us, and we are so grateful to have each other, that we will do anything to try to live normally now. It's amazing what sharing someone's elses' problems will do for your perspective! In order to keep our newfound sanity, my H thinks we should seriously consider moving several states away in order to "separate" ourselves from the family "sickness" as much as possible. I think that his ASIL and the rest of his family are only ever a phone call away, and that physical proximity won't do much. ASIL and the rest of his family are about 4 hours away right now.
So, how do we handle the inevitable calls for help that I know are forthcoming? How do we say "sorry, but we can't help you" in a nice way, but mean it, when ASIL or her mother call demanding our financial assistance for one of ASIL's many money problems? She also left a piece of original artwork at our home, supposedly worth about $8,000, that my H promised to take digital photos of so she could sell the art on the internet. If he does that, isn't that enabling her too? Ideally, the money is supposed to be for a security deposit and maybe first and last month's rent on her own apartment, but she doesn't even have a job...what do you guys think?
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Gaithersburg, MD
Posts: 19
I just realized something. I'm not really worried about making my ASIL angry, I'm worried about making her mother, my MIL, angry! I think my H is too. Hmmm, I'm going to have to think about this one...
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Hiya,
Moving won't solve the problem. We moved 4 times trying to outrun the alcoholism with my husband. We used the excuse that my family was interferring and part of the problem. That was true, but the alcoholism was always with us.
I was once asked by my therapist that if my family was alive, how would I handle the dysfunctions in the family. I told her that I would put it to them in plain language. I don't want to be involved in your problems anymore. I am healing and want to get well. Of course, I knew that it would sever the ties, whatever they might have been. But, they would have gotten over it in time. Especially when they wanted to bi*** about their daughter.
If your MIL wants to enable her and pay her debts, it's totally up to her. You have your own debts and bills to pay and shouldn't be expected to fork over money. If you do, it will never stop.
Angering your MIL should be the least of your worries. If you want to get really technical, have your husband take care of her.
The piece of art. I'd make sure it was authentic before putting up for bid. And I'd put it someplace safe out of your house. If she gets desperate and tells someone about, they may try to get it.
Wishing you well,
Kathy
Moving won't solve the problem. We moved 4 times trying to outrun the alcoholism with my husband. We used the excuse that my family was interferring and part of the problem. That was true, but the alcoholism was always with us.
I was once asked by my therapist that if my family was alive, how would I handle the dysfunctions in the family. I told her that I would put it to them in plain language. I don't want to be involved in your problems anymore. I am healing and want to get well. Of course, I knew that it would sever the ties, whatever they might have been. But, they would have gotten over it in time. Especially when they wanted to bi*** about their daughter.
If your MIL wants to enable her and pay her debts, it's totally up to her. You have your own debts and bills to pay and shouldn't be expected to fork over money. If you do, it will never stop.
Angering your MIL should be the least of your worries. If you want to get really technical, have your husband take care of her.
The piece of art. I'd make sure it was authentic before putting up for bid. And I'd put it someplace safe out of your house. If she gets desperate and tells someone about, they may try to get it.
Wishing you well,
Kathy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Gaithersburg, MD
Posts: 19
Once again Kathy, you are so right!
I used to think MY family was dysfunctional -- I had no idea just how bad things could be. You know, it does get easier to say "no" to money demands each time I or H says it. Plus, my MIL is angry most of the time anyway, so she'll move on to something else before long I suppose.
Thanks for the advice about the artwork -- it is authentic, and desperation is her middle name these days. Besides, we've had two phone calls from people looking for her since her release from the mental facility -- both women, and both weird calls. She could have promised them a cut from the sale for all I know. I will be doing something about getting that piece out of here. She has that hearing on Monday, perhaps my H would let her come by while I'm at work and she can take it back to her mother's. She wants us to take digital photos for her of it, to put on the net to sell, though -- would that be enabling her by taking the photos? We have a digital camera, she doesn't.
I used to think MY family was dysfunctional -- I had no idea just how bad things could be. You know, it does get easier to say "no" to money demands each time I or H says it. Plus, my MIL is angry most of the time anyway, so she'll move on to something else before long I suppose.
Thanks for the advice about the artwork -- it is authentic, and desperation is her middle name these days. Besides, we've had two phone calls from people looking for her since her release from the mental facility -- both women, and both weird calls. She could have promised them a cut from the sale for all I know. I will be doing something about getting that piece out of here. She has that hearing on Monday, perhaps my H would let her come by while I'm at work and she can take it back to her mother's. She wants us to take digital photos for her of it, to put on the net to sell, though -- would that be enabling her by taking the photos? We have a digital camera, she doesn't.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
I don't think taking the pictures would be enabling her you cannot control what she does with the money. If you told her you would do it than do it.... But, do keep saying no to request for money it is not your responsibility to take on her money obligations....
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Great Britain
Posts: 138
Hopeful2, splendra is correct,its not your responsibility to take on her money obligations.
It is apparent has your ASIL isn't ready to quit drinking. Her mother is actively enabling her.
She celebrated signing up for an outpatient treatment plan by buying a bottle!
Taking the pictures would not be enabling her.
I would say no to giving her money. Onces you start that...she will be at your door asking for a hand-out often.
It is apparent has your ASIL isn't ready to quit drinking. Her mother is actively enabling her.
She celebrated signing up for an outpatient treatment plan by buying a bottle!
Taking the pictures would not be enabling her.
I would say no to giving her money. Onces you start that...she will be at your door asking for a hand-out often.
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