Popsy

I came on here in January after my new relationship fell apart. He is now ten months sober and hasn't drank since a suicide attempt last summer. I came into his life 6 months ago. Our relationship seemed very intense but I felt so close to him I didn't see alot of red flags. In January I asked him if he really felt ready for a relationship with little children. With that he exploded into a rage and ended things. I was shocked. Two days later a phone call took place and he barked down the phone what he didn't want and couldn't handle and we agreed to start a fresh. He also came of opiates for back pain in january and I felt his moods levelled out and his routine was improving.

Since then it's felt like we got closer and closer. I felt much more relaxed and felt we had got to a place where we knew where we stood. Then red flags started happening. He kept bringing up a women he claimed he blocked months ago. She was a one night stand from two years ago. He was sending me screen shots of her messaging him and told me she wouldn't leave him. Then he added another women onto his Facebook and after we had had sex I went to sleep. He couldn't sleep and I woke up to photos on my newsfeed of her that he had liked in the night. I asked him who she was and why. I was calm. He deleted her instantly and told me I was all he wanted.


For the next few days I had this feeling in my gut that I couldn't trust him. I started going over how often he brought up ex's. Or how many stories he had about women stalking him. He often claimed things like his ex wife's sister came onto him. His brothers girlfriend came onto him years ago etc. So I decided I wanted to speak with him about it. I barely got the first sentence out. I asked if we could speak about why he deleted that women so fast the other day. With that he yelled at me. Accused me of doing his head in. Said he was done. Blocked me on everything.

I noticed he unblocked me on Facebook 24 hours later. I said nothing and left it three days. He owes me money £170 and so on Friday I messaged him as it was his pay day. My message wouldn't send. I called him. It rang off. Then he called me and rudely asked if I called. I said nicely yes I just wanted to ask about the money. He sarcastically said yes you will get it when I have it goodbye. Then he hung up. He paid £100 into my bank Friday and said nothing. So I messaged him again and said you really don't care do you? A thank you would be nice.

I then got in touch with the "stalker" who filled me in on her version. He's been messaging her until 2 weeks ago when he cut her off. She's married and sounds completely nieve. She's 45 and has children. She's attractive and lives two hours away. She said he's unblocked her and blocked her loads of times. She said he always comes back with a good story and used to tell her he loved her and missed her. She warned me he will do the same to me.

I left things a few more days then on Monday I offered an olive branch. Not to get back together. But I asked him if he was ok. He said fine thanks. I said would I be welcome to occasionally get in touch occasionally to say hi. He said I'm not evil do what you like. I asked if he missed me. He said no. I asked if he meant it. He said yes you was starting to do my head in. I asked if he ever meant anything he said. He read the message. Didn't reply so ten minutes later I blocked him.

He's still blocked and since then I have realised how much of an emotional rollercoaster I've been on. I've completely neglected myself emotionally. I watched EastEnders last night for the first time in months. I am able to concentrate more on my children this last few days. Because he's not constantly demanding my attention. I am hurt. Because he's seen me naked. I've told him my secrets. I've opened up. I've lent him money. We both sent gifts to eachother. But now I just look at the perfume and think why did he bother?

A part of me wonders if he will ever text me or get in touch again. Or does he mean what he's saying now. The way he reacted and the reason he dropped me was so over the top. Is it normal for dry drinks to come and go and insist they don't care then actually return?

Any experiences would be helpful.

I've also realised he was putting me down in subtle ways. Like saying my hair would be nicer shorter or I'd look better with a tan. He also commented on me being a stay at home mum and said it makes women become child like and they have nothing else to talk about.

Thanks for reading Needed to get it off my chest.

Bute

Hi Popsy
Sending you a great big hug.
This chap sounds like an absolute horror! Certainly he would appear to have underlying issues, especially if he has behaved this way to other ladies. Nothing to do with you at all - so don't even think that.
It hurts nevertheless, I know, but I believe you have dodged a bullet here, honestly.
You deserve much better, and you don't want him around your kids. Time will give you that clarity, and you will look back and think " thank god I didn't land myself with him".
Spend time doing your own thing, be who you are and enjoy your kids.
I hope his next sh*t is a hedgehog!
Onwards girl!
Much Love
Bute x

Freshstart1111

This will sound harsh but the thing that came to my head immediately was “Run!”. I’ve been told that and didn’t. And ended up hurt.
I know it hurts and you and I have posted on another thread about that part. But this is not a man you want or need in your life. Or your kids lives. You deserve sooooo much better! Being alone is far better than what you describe.

Popsy

Thank you both. Why does it always make you feel so many mixed emotions? I've got this part of me that sees everything. The lies. The games. The fact he isn't capable of functioning emotionally. The fact he's still hung up on an ex because her photos are on his house walls. The fact he has no family around him now apart from a daughter who never visits but keeps in touch through technology. He has no money. No property. His vehicles off the road. Makes out he's 100% in or out of relationships yet he's clearly a liar.

But then there is this part of me that feels bad for him. He's so alone. He's got nobody apart from work colleagues. I feel sad that he's been through suicide attempts etc and his dad has not been in touch. I feel sad his brother and him are estranged and his other daughter had a baby last year and he's never met the baby as that daughter has obviously cut contact.
I feel worried still naturally that he's not eating or shopping. That he's alot more depressed than he's admitting.

It's like I still care for him even though he doesn't deserve any of my care.

I know how lucky I've been though getting out at this stage. I guess I'm half expecting him to come back and half expecting him to not. There's this stupid part of me that wants him to say he cares. But I know it's not going to be the case as he's so used to blaming everyone else.

I'm trying to focus on the kids and I've realised how I perhaps wasn't being the most present mum when he was around. I still looked after them but wasn't interacting anywhere near as much.

Ariesagain

Well, it sounds like he’s had multiple opportunities not to be alone, so that’s really been his choice, yes?

I get it, I’ve been there. You see a wounded soul, you try to help, and when he tosses you a scrap of validation, it feels GREAT. Then he starts putting up his barricades again and that validation high is abruptly stopped. You go into emotional withdrawal and start scrambling around (lending him money, spending hours on the phone “picking him up”) trying to get that validation again.

Google “intermittent reinforcement.” There are few things more powerful because that’s how humans are hardwired. And that’s why you’re hooked.

You aren’t really helping him because he doesn’t really want to be helped and you’re not his therapist, nor should you be. What you’ve been doing is hurting yourself.

The best thing for both of you is for you to consider this relationship over and ride out the withdrawals. My biggest concern is that soon the reality of his impending lack of a place to live will become apparent to him and he’ll ramp up the charm to have a place to stay. Then his regular behavior (the roller coaster ride) will resume, but worse. And your children will be seeing all this.

Save them from that...and save yourself.

I know, it’s hard. But you only have a few months of your life lost to this now. Don’t waste any more of it, okay?

SparkleKitty

This is one of the best threads ever posted on this site. I hope you'll read it:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-chick-en.html (Don't be his chick(en)!!!)

trailmix

I really hope you do have a look at “intermittent reinforcement" as Aries mentioned, it will explain so much.

Yes, we don't like to see people suffer, that is human and is commendable in all of us. However, there is misplaced concern. This is one of those times.

No one (well mostly no one) is 100 percent awful, I'm sure he must have some good points or you wouldn't have gotten involved with him.

Just never forget that along with those few good points comes a load of negatives. Negatives for your life, negatives that affect you mentally and emotionally and therefore your children as well, as you mentioned.

For years he has lived as an alcoholic or a sober person not in recovery and he will continue to do so whether you ever speak to him again or not, he will get by.