woodlandlost

So it was DD's birthday on Saturday. The Ex and I had hatched a plan to get together for dinner, I was to bring the cake, she was making dinner. She was working that day, but said she would be home at 3. Well, surprise, I get a text, saying, I didn't realize but I booked an overnight, I am sorry. Nothing else. My response was, Seriously? Then we started to get into it...pointless. She did call DD and told her she could not come because of work. DD was satisfied by the call.

Anyway, I went to get gas around 7 after DD and I had dinner and couldn't help myself and went by her apartment and could hear her inside and just turned around and left. I went home and stupidly texted her saying I could hear her at home, she ignored my until the next morning. Saying how she changed her mind about doing the overnight and that she had done nothing wrong, so the problem is mine to own.

I was mad, felt betrayed again. I guess this has a lot to do with my expectations.

Mashabo

Dang, that might have hurt. I’m sorry WLL that you got hurt again. I guess sometimes we need as many times as we need to really understand we should stay away.

SparkleKitty

It really does have everything to do with your expectations. Not to say she isn't being kind of a jerk, because I think we all know she is. While she is technically correct, your problems are always yours to own, her behavior is still information about what you can and can't expect in the future.

The good thing about expectations is that they are 100% in your control. I know you want her to be a better parent, a better person, a more reliable partner, but that does not seem to be who she is right now. It doesn't mean she never will be, but there you have it. Accepting her for who she is instead of who you wish she was will bring much more peace to both of you, and to your daughter.

SmallButMighty

I'm sorry your AXW ditched her daughter, on the kid's birthday no less.. for whatever her selfish reasons were ( I have my suspicions). It's sad she thinks that isn't doing something wrong. Seems awfully wrong in my books. My heart goes out to your kiddo.

But you are right about your expectations. You really can't expect her to all of a sudden behave responsibly. You absolutely can expect her to behave the way she has been for the last several years... she only cares about her own comfort. She has shown you over and over again who she is no matter what she SAYS she will do, what she DOES proves who she is. You really don't need to go looking for evidence, you know what you know. Having proof may feel validating in the short term, ( heck, no "maybe" about it.. I KNOW it feels validating, been there) but where does it get you in the long run? It just adds fuel to the fire and gives you more things to grind on. You can't change her from being a self serving jerk, but you can alter your part in the dance by refusing to engage in it. I think indifference or at least feigned indifference in regards to her behavior would be in your best interest. She thrives on drama, don't feed the drama monster.

The high road is the hard road, but the view is better.

HopeUnending

I don't have anything to add to what was said which I found to be very good points made.

SmallButMighty, I loved this and will use this for me. "The high road is the hard road, but the view is better."

Ariesagain

A question...what if she hadn’t been home? What then? Were you going to try to hunt her down?

I’m trying to gently point out that you KNOW who she is now. She’s demonstrated it a hundred times. Why do this to yourself?

Relying on her for anything, let alone your daughter’s birthday celebration, isn’t a great idea. You make dinner and get the cake, yes?

And your daughter knows. She’s just trying to protect you. At this point, her BS detector for her mother’s lies is excruciatingly accurate, so don’t kid yourself there.

Have you talked to her therapist about how to handle these situations in such a way that you don’t have to lie to your daughter? I worry very much how well she’s been trained to protect the adults in her life, instead of the other way around.

Amaranth

Expectations lead to disappointments....
your ex was not there for your daughter's birthday. Full stop.
It's disappointing.
Your ex wasn't there for HER daughter's birthday because........ she was working, she went on a bender, she didn't feel well, she forgot, she was washing her hair, she took a trip to the moon.....
The because part doesn't matter. It does none of you any good to go out looking for the reason WHY. She wasn't there. She didn't make the effort. That's all you need to know.
And I hope you have your daughter a lovely birthday which I'm sure you did. It's her day, not her mother's.

Ariesagain

P.S. I didn’t say that very well... I just think there should be some tolerable middle ground between not bashing your ex to your daughter and being forced to be an accomplice to your ex lying to her. Your daughter deserves someone in her life she can trust, yes?

LifeRecovery

For me when I was working on expectations there was a great quote that helped. "Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

There was going to be plenty of my ex's behaviors that would be painful to me, but I often set myself up for more discomfort and hurt when I expected him to behave like I would, or like a responsible human would etc. For me there was a sense that I could control his behavior if I just said it right or asked right or set up things so they would be easiest for him.

When I stopped taking responsibility for his attitude, behaviors and his life it saved me a lot of room.

For me this was the key learning that I needed to get from this relationship, and the breakdown of it. What was mine to manage (me, myself and I) and what was not......

I have had a lot less suffering since I stopped taking on things that were not my own.

trailmix

This made me think of something else as well. Maybe, from now on, you don't need a reason from her. Maybe you could tell her that going forward if she can't make a visitation or birthday or other event you don't need a reason, just advance notice, that's it.

This enables you to not be part of her lying, if she chooses to do that and it also keeps you out of her life, whatever she has going on.

Anyway just a thought. I realize this will be hard for you because there are still expectations there, but maybe it's something you will be ready for at some point. If she chooses to lie to your Daughter about such things, well that's out of your control.