elou90

It’s interesting you say that as in his email he mentioned about it’s enough to make “set him back” almost justifying why he might relapse. Almost trying to set the blame before he’s even done it

mylifeismine

"Almost trying to set the blame before he’s even done it"

Exactly!
For me, the way to know someone is in true recovery and really learning
to live without drugs/alcohol, is when they stop blaming anyone for their
troubles and become self-responsible. As long as they continue to
blame other people/things for everything that stops them from getting
what they want, when they want it (much like a two year old)
they are going backwards.

When my RAH came home from rehab, he had a brochure that was
given to him called "king baby" syndrome. Google it.

elou90

Got caught out by answering a unknown phone number which was him. Spoke for about 10 mins on the phone. He seemed calm and told me that he hated the way things where left and wanted the chance to apologise. (Not at step 9 yet) but didn’t want to wait till then. So I agreed to meet him this Friday. As the day went on he was sending random messages about how his life is back on track etc but a few of the things he said where still lies and I could see them a mile off. Later that night I got another phone call to say he’s not on any of his depression/psychosis meds anymore as he’s decided to stop them against his drs orders. All it took was for me to say something he didn’t like for him to crack and the old him came out. I terminated the phone call then I started getting emails about how I need to come out my “pity party” and it was sad that I was stuck in the past and that I wanted him back apparently!
I have now managed to block his emails. Today gave me the closure I needed to prove I done the right thing and he’s never going to change who he is. Or take any responsibility for his actions.
I’m just amazed at how the same person can become two completely different people within hours.
He’s the one that reached out to me. I was happy doing my no contact so back on it and know not to fall into his trap if he contacts me again.

dandylion

elou........I am so glad that you could see the reality of his actions----that this represented his attempt to manipulate you---and his messed up thinking---as opposed to any kind of genuine recovery. It is said that "Recovery looks like recovery". And, this doesn't.....lol.
Hold tight to your own boundaries......because it is sooo easy to slip back when they are acting "nice" and you are missing them.
'

elou90

I have read into and go to family anonymous so I know a good bit about recovery and straight away I questioned if he’s even in recovery. I felt that he was using me for him to go relapse so he had something to blame it on.
He told me when he was mad that this is what I do to him. I think it’s because I don’t listen to his crap and call him out. He doesn’t like it.

I’m hoping now I have made it clear to him that I don’t want him to contact me that he won’t. I was 30+ days of no contact and starting to feel better so trying not to let him pull me back.

Bekindalways

Hey Elou, it looks like you have a pretty steep learning curve going. Congrats.

It is tricky with all the ways we can connect to go no-contact. For many of us, no-contact was essential to our healing. I counted days and months of no-contact the ways Alcoholics' count days of not drinking. Of course the no-contact/no-drinking isn't the entirety of recovery but it is essential.

Also it is generally advised to give alcoholics a year of not drinking before expecting anything from them. That first year is usually hell for them and everyone around them. Ugh.

Keep getting through those days and let us know how you get on.