Need Perspective
 

During AS's (43 YO) recent relapse, I decided to no longer accept calls/emails begging for assistance as it just too distressing, he was across the country (against our advice), and I told him he had to figure out his life. He is back at rehab for the 4th time. We have helped in the past but there is nothing more I can do since he doesn't listen to anything, so I made that hard decision. I explained why I was doing so and that it would only be for a while, but I needed a break from the chaos. After about a month, I sent a card, made a call. But he will not speak with me. I know he is hurt and very angry now, and knew that would most likely happen.

I feel his silence is manipulation. So my question is, is it manipulation? Or did I really do something unforgivable?

BellaBlue.....You did not do something unforgiveable! As a mother who has been in that position, before---I know that you did the hardest thing a mother can do----and, you did it both him and yourself. I see it as a loving thing for both of you. After all---enabling him harms the both of you, in the big picture.
The biggest job of a parent, as I see it, is to prepare the young to survive in this world after they have reached maturity. This is true for birds and wolves and humans.
If you were not around----what would h e do?
I think that a big fear that drives us parents---especially, in this case, mothers, is this----The fear that our kids will stop loving us and that the rest of the world witl agree with them that we are a "bad parent".

Of course, he is angry. That is to be expected, and, you did know that he would be. (thankfully you did know to expect him to be angry). An alcoholic does not want to hear the word "no"----not ever. They can be very manipulative, also. They will be very sweet and attentive when they are wanting something---and, instantly angry when they don't get exactly what they want and when they want it.

You are going to have to be very strong and hold your line. It isn't easy. When I made the decision to cut my son off from all financial assistance and enabling measures....I actually apologized to mym for having been enabling him. (you should have seen the shock on his face).

You are going to need a lot of support for yourself. Please make sure that you have support from those who really understand alcoholism.

Hey Bella, I concur with what Dandylion said. You absolutely did the right thing.

I so so hope you have lots of support as this is so ding dang tough to do.

Take care of yourself and let us know how you get on.

You did what you had to take care of your own sanity, that's never something that needs to be forgiven.

Sometimes, whether someone is an alcoholic or not, there will be something you have to do, a boundary to make, because it is the right thing to do. The other person, depending on what their perspective is, might think you have done something terrible. Just know that doesn't mean you actually have.

It might be manipulation, but it might also be how he responds to feeling hurt and angry. I don't think you did the wrong thing though. You were clear with your reasons for your actions, and need to be able to take care of yourself. Hopefully time will help cool him off enough to seek help and repair those hurt relationships.

Thanks to all. Deep down, I know that each of you have spoken truth. He is hurt, I know. But so am I. His actions have brought him to this place in life and now he must face his consequences.

Dear BellaBlue,
I have no contact with my son, but there is never a doubt in my heart or mind that he loves me very much, perhaps even more than anyone else in his life. Although I set boundaries and he has chosen to stay away from me, I reach out to him from time to time with a card and a note (never responded to) just to let him know that the door is open. I believe that when he decides to make some positive changes in his life, he will reach out, and someday he will appreciate that I called him out on his behavior. When he gets better, he will know that I did the right thing...he most likely knows it now; he's just not ready to change. Until he is ready, he will not re-establish contact. There really is no reason to...it would just be the same merry-go-round. I don't want that either, and I expect neither do you.
I take good care of myself, physically and mentally, and I enjoy my life. And when he comes back into my life, I will be here and healthy and supportive. Until then, I have to just let him go. He was never mine to keep anyway really.
Thank you for sharing.

Dear Bella,
I echo what the others have said. The right thing to do, is never easy. I've had to do the same on occasion, to give myself respite from the madness of it all.
My son does exactly the same - ignores me, thinking that this upsets me. If truth be told, I'd rather he ignored me, when he is actively using, as life is peaceful.
it's sad, and unfortunate, that we have to make these choices, but, we deserve a life too. And we need to be be mindful of our own physical and emotional well-being.
Sending a hug
Much Love
Bute x

... goddamnit. I just reread my comment. Idk how right gets autocorrected to wrong, but there it is. I think you did the right thing. Sorry i apparently need to proof read more. :e136: