Am i dumb?
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Join Date: Nov 2020
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Am i dumb?
Because I feel like I am...
So since the last time I’ve posted it’s been 2 weeks. We then went to sign some papers to start the divorce process. Then one day later he texted me saying that we forgot to sign some copies and that he can come whenever I was to do it. I said ok, come at 4:30 pm. Then he eventually didn’t and the next day said there was nothing to sign, he confused.
Then 2 days ago he told me that the papers were rejected because of some mistakes and that his granny fixed it and we have to go sign again(that appeared to be true.)
Ok, yesterday I went, we signed again and I once again let myself stand his whining and complaining.
It’s sooo freaking stupid, because it made me feel bad. What did I expect? That he finally say something I’m waiting for? Was it just my codependency there showing itself?
This time he did ask me what’s new with me and that he saw that I got some flowers for Valentine’s Day, I said yes, I got flowers. So he asked if I have a lot of admirers then, I said I do.
Then today, he texted to say he will be in the area and wants to see the dog, so I took the dog to the park so he can see him. We stayed in the park for like 20 min, barely talking, and then he left.
I punish myself mentally for all this. Honestly that mistake in the docs was such a bad time. I was feeling pretty good all these two weeks and now I feel bad and stupid again.
Like I expect something I know won’t come. I should stop seeing him and being such a softie. It’s killing me...
So since the last time I’ve posted it’s been 2 weeks. We then went to sign some papers to start the divorce process. Then one day later he texted me saying that we forgot to sign some copies and that he can come whenever I was to do it. I said ok, come at 4:30 pm. Then he eventually didn’t and the next day said there was nothing to sign, he confused.
Then 2 days ago he told me that the papers were rejected because of some mistakes and that his granny fixed it and we have to go sign again(that appeared to be true.)
Ok, yesterday I went, we signed again and I once again let myself stand his whining and complaining.
It’s sooo freaking stupid, because it made me feel bad. What did I expect? That he finally say something I’m waiting for? Was it just my codependency there showing itself?
This time he did ask me what’s new with me and that he saw that I got some flowers for Valentine’s Day, I said yes, I got flowers. So he asked if I have a lot of admirers then, I said I do.
Then today, he texted to say he will be in the area and wants to see the dog, so I took the dog to the park so he can see him. We stayed in the park for like 20 min, barely talking, and then he left.
I punish myself mentally for all this. Honestly that mistake in the docs was such a bad time. I was feeling pretty good all these two weeks and now I feel bad and stupid again.
Like I expect something I know won’t come. I should stop seeing him and being such a softie. It’s killing me...
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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Can you deal with his grandmother/lawyer directly? Having your ex be the gatekeeper for the divorce seems like a REALLY bad plan. It just means he can keep making you hop and force you into situations where he gets the attention he craves. I was afraid after you spent all that time listening to him complain two weeks ago that he’d be back for another fix.
From now on, I suggest you confirm everything he says with his grandmother directly before you meet him anywhere and if you have to, meet him in public and put a 10-minute timer on your phone. Oops, gotta go. And sorry, but you have plans and you can’t drop everything to let him “see the dog.”
Be distant, firm, and businesslike. He’s never going to stop trying to manipulate you. It’s up to you to see through it and protect yourself from it, yes?
Wishing you strength and clarity.
From now on, I suggest you confirm everything he says with his grandmother directly before you meet him anywhere and if you have to, meet him in public and put a 10-minute timer on your phone. Oops, gotta go. And sorry, but you have plans and you can’t drop everything to let him “see the dog.”
Be distant, firm, and businesslike. He’s never going to stop trying to manipulate you. It’s up to you to see through it and protect yourself from it, yes?
Wishing you strength and clarity.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
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I am sorry you are going through this. Thank you for sharing about it. I see myself in what you say which is helpful to me.
What touched me especially is what you say about listening to a whole load of complaining in the hope that there will be something in there that you need to hear. I have found myself doing this.
I will stop it now. It does not help my mental wellbeing one bit. It drags my energy down. An hour of listening to moaning and I maybe hear one "nugget" that I think validates me. It does not, it is all part of an manipulators bait to keep me on the hook!
I am much better going about my day. Limit time with my AH.
Thank you.
What touched me especially is what you say about listening to a whole load of complaining in the hope that there will be something in there that you need to hear. I have found myself doing this.
I will stop it now. It does not help my mental wellbeing one bit. It drags my energy down. An hour of listening to moaning and I maybe hear one "nugget" that I think validates me. It does not, it is all part of an manipulators bait to keep me on the hook!
I am much better going about my day. Limit time with my AH.
Thank you.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Well Mash, I don't think you are stupid and I really mean that. Feeling whatever you are feeling is not stupid, it's being human. What's more important is to examine it and see if it's a valid feeling (which you are doing, the part about expecting something that won't come).
The thing about the mistake on the papers is an annoyance but at least you know that soon the paperwork will actually be done, I hope it's all right this time but if not I really like Aries suggestion of speaking directly with the grandmother.
So he takes the opportunity to whine and complain (yes, it's truly all about him!), keep that in mind. Then he asks you what's new and about the flowers. He is just being nosy about the flowers, that's it. Because oh no! she might be replacing the wonderful person that is him! Which is also about him.
Please don't be so hard on yourself and perhaps it would help to work on that negative self talk? Why are you being so mean to yourself, you don't deserve it. It really is a great gift you can give yourself, starting to be kind and understanding to yourself.
By the way, I do this too sometimes, when I am having some feeling I don't want and am annoyed at myself for having it, for instance when my logical mind says - your feelings about this are misguided, so why are you frustrated/angry/sad as the case may be. I find if I talk that out with someone it really helps.
Hopefully getting feedback here helps you with that too.
The thing about the mistake on the papers is an annoyance but at least you know that soon the paperwork will actually be done, I hope it's all right this time but if not I really like Aries suggestion of speaking directly with the grandmother.
So he takes the opportunity to whine and complain (yes, it's truly all about him!), keep that in mind. Then he asks you what's new and about the flowers. He is just being nosy about the flowers, that's it. Because oh no! she might be replacing the wonderful person that is him! Which is also about him.
Please don't be so hard on yourself and perhaps it would help to work on that negative self talk? Why are you being so mean to yourself, you don't deserve it. It really is a great gift you can give yourself, starting to be kind and understanding to yourself.
By the way, I do this too sometimes, when I am having some feeling I don't want and am annoyed at myself for having it, for instance when my logical mind says - your feelings about this are misguided, so why are you frustrated/angry/sad as the case may be. I find if I talk that out with someone it really helps.
Hopefully getting feedback here helps you with that too.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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I forgot to say...you’re certainly not dumb. You’re kind. You’re hopeful. You’re compassionate. You’re loving.
There are times when having all of those wonderful qualities just bites a person in the butt, unfortunately. This is probably one of them.
Be kind to yourself, yes?
There are times when having all of those wonderful qualities just bites a person in the butt, unfortunately. This is probably one of them.
Be kind to yourself, yes?
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Join Date: Nov 2020
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Thank you so much, guys
I knew you would understand me. I’m so glad I can find support here. You are all right, I should be kind to myself, my therapist told me the same thing.
After signing the papers for the second time I went straight to my friend’s place to get some support and cry, cuz it’s just been to tough.
I definitely know that all that was coming from my tiny little hope that gave me the thought of “oh, maybe he got it now? Maybe he wants to change finally? Maybe....” I know he didn’t get anything, and won’t get it in a long time if ever.
Also I felt pretty darn bad because of the way I felt next to him, like I am no one, and those years just didn’t exist. Like I am at all no one to him but a pair of ears. Can you believe when he left that day he said “Well, if you ever want to have a therapy again.” I said “What therapy? It’s not even my therapy, it’s yours.” He said “well, if you want to make a social contribution and listen to me.” WTF
I knew you would understand me. I’m so glad I can find support here. You are all right, I should be kind to myself, my therapist told me the same thing.
After signing the papers for the second time I went straight to my friend’s place to get some support and cry, cuz it’s just been to tough.
I definitely know that all that was coming from my tiny little hope that gave me the thought of “oh, maybe he got it now? Maybe he wants to change finally? Maybe....” I know he didn’t get anything, and won’t get it in a long time if ever.
Also I felt pretty darn bad because of the way I felt next to him, like I am no one, and those years just didn’t exist. Like I am at all no one to him but a pair of ears. Can you believe when he left that day he said “Well, if you ever want to have a therapy again.” I said “What therapy? It’s not even my therapy, it’s yours.” He said “well, if you want to make a social contribution and listen to me.” WTF
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He said “well, if you want to make a social contribution and listen to me.” WTF
I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but at some point you’re going to look back at all this and be so very, very glad you got away.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Originally Posted by Mashabo 
I said “What therapy? It’s not even my therapy, it’s yours.” He said “well, if you want to make a social contribution and listen to me.” WTF
This just makes you shake your head.
I know it still hurts and it will for a while, it's very hard to accept that a person we once knew has changed so much they are almost unrecognizable. They are there, they may be standing right in front of us looking like they always have, but the person they were can't be seen. That's hard to wrap your head around. This can be true with any type of mental illness or trauma etc.
Accepting that is key to your own recovery.
Actually, in people with addictions, this can change on a daily basis. One day they are fine, fun, happy, engaging, charming or at least on some kind of even keel about things. The next they may be in withdrawal or hung over or looking for the next drink and all that goes out the window. People can kind of get used to that and find ways to manage a bit for a while (waiting for improvement), but when someone has a mental change like he has, who knows.
So you see "waiting for improvement" is something you have done, for some time, so it's not stupid to have hope, just probably not a good idea in this case.
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain
Wow. Just wow. All these years I never knew who the Universe revolved around and now here he is!!! (Eyeroll.)
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Yes, wow and omg. Seriously!!
This just makes you shake your head.
I know it still hurts and it will for a while, it's very hard to accept that a person we once knew has changed so much they are almost unrecognizable. They are there, they may be standing right in front of us looking like they always have, but the person they were can't be seen. That's hard to wrap your head around. This can be true with any type of mental illness or trauma etc.
Accepting that is key to your own recovery.
Actually, in people with addictions, this can change on a daily basis. One day they are fine, fun, happy, engaging, charming or at least on some kind of even keel about things. The next they may be in withdrawal or hung over or looking for the next drink and all that goes out the window. People can kind of get used to that and find ways to manage a bit for a while (waiting for improvement), but when someone has a mental change like he has, who knows.
So you see "waiting for improvement" is something you have done, for some time, so it's not stupid to have hope, just probably not a good idea in this case.
This just makes you shake your head.
I know it still hurts and it will for a while, it's very hard to accept that a person we once knew has changed so much they are almost unrecognizable. They are there, they may be standing right in front of us looking like they always have, but the person they were can't be seen. That's hard to wrap your head around. This can be true with any type of mental illness or trauma etc.
Accepting that is key to your own recovery.
Actually, in people with addictions, this can change on a daily basis. One day they are fine, fun, happy, engaging, charming or at least on some kind of even keel about things. The next they may be in withdrawal or hung over or looking for the next drink and all that goes out the window. People can kind of get used to that and find ways to manage a bit for a while (waiting for improvement), but when someone has a mental change like he has, who knows.
So you see "waiting for improvement" is something you have done, for some time, so it's not stupid to have hope, just probably not a good idea in this case.
Yes, trailmix, I even noticed that change during one hour while we were in signing the papers process. His mood was changing every 15 min, that was so har to process for me, cuz his energy was constantly changing.
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Also imagine this, I forgot about this part, but it was too funny and so crazy.
He said that the director of the rehab told him that he needs to study physiology because HE IS GOOD AT IT. I was thinking “whaaat?”. He said “When I talk to people I can detect their problem from the first minute, because I passed through it myself, so I’m really good at it.”
I barely hold myself not to make some comment, because that’s just a total nonsense 😄
He said that the director of the rehab told him that he needs to study physiology because HE IS GOOD AT IT. I was thinking “whaaat?”. He said “When I talk to people I can detect their problem from the first minute, because I passed through it myself, so I’m really good at it.”
I barely hold myself not to make some comment, because that’s just a total nonsense 😄
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I’ll bet she says that to all the boys...🙄
That’s classic narcissism. And all those mood swings? That boy is still using something, big time.
Be careful... I suspect the early hormone high of his affair is wearing off and his new girlfriend may be getting sick of his endless self-absorption. She may do the unthinkable and, you know, ask him to do something that isn’t about him. That won’t go well. She may dump him. Either way he may come back around to you and say anything to get you hooked back in...keep your guard up. You have great instincts and a good BS detector...trust them and trust yourself.
This will pass and a much better life lies ahead for you.
That’s classic narcissism. And all those mood swings? That boy is still using something, big time.
Be careful... I suspect the early hormone high of his affair is wearing off and his new girlfriend may be getting sick of his endless self-absorption. She may do the unthinkable and, you know, ask him to do something that isn’t about him. That won’t go well. She may dump him. Either way he may come back around to you and say anything to get you hooked back in...keep your guard up. You have great instincts and a good BS detector...trust them and trust yourself.
This will pass and a much better life lies ahead for you.
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain
I’ll bet she says that to all the boys...🙄
That’s classic narcissism. And all those mood swings? That boy is still using something, big time.
Be careful... I suspect the early hormone high of his affair is wearing off and his new girlfriend may be getting sick of his endless self-absorption. She may do the unthinkable and, you know, ask him to do something that isn’t about him. That won’t go well. She may dump him. Either way he may come back around to you and say anything to get you hooked back in...keep your guard up. You have great instincts and a good BS detector...trust them and trust yourself.
This will pass and a much better life lies ahead for you.
That’s classic narcissism. And all those mood swings? That boy is still using something, big time.
Be careful... I suspect the early hormone high of his affair is wearing off and his new girlfriend may be getting sick of his endless self-absorption. She may do the unthinkable and, you know, ask him to do something that isn’t about him. That won’t go well. She may dump him. Either way he may come back around to you and say anything to get you hooked back in...keep your guard up. You have great instincts and a good BS detector...trust them and trust yourself.
This will pass and a much better life lies ahead for you.
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
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Hi Mashabo,
You are not dumb. You are becoming smarter every day you get further away from your XAH. I'm glad your making progress on the separation. When you stated that he offered therapy with you. I nearly fell out of my chair laughing. Thinking to myself who does this guy think he is. Like that is going to happen. As for become a physiologist . You did good to hold your tongue or not ball up on the floor laughing. He truely thinks highly of him self. I just glad you are safe and moving on with your life. Hopefully had a nice peaceful valentines day. keep being strong.
You are not dumb. You are becoming smarter every day you get further away from your XAH. I'm glad your making progress on the separation. When you stated that he offered therapy with you. I nearly fell out of my chair laughing. Thinking to myself who does this guy think he is. Like that is going to happen. As for become a physiologist . You did good to hold your tongue or not ball up on the floor laughing. He truely thinks highly of him self. I just glad you are safe and moving on with your life. Hopefully had a nice peaceful valentines day. keep being strong.
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Join Date: May 2012
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Originally Posted by Mashabo
It’s sooo freaking stupid, because it made me feel bad. What did I expect? That he finally say something I’m waiting for? Was it just my codependency there showing itself?
....
Then today, he texted to say he will be in the area and wants to see the dog, so I took the dog to the park so he can see him. We stayed in the park for like 20 min, barely talking, and then he left....
....
Then today, he texted to say he will be in the area and wants to see the dog, so I took the dog to the park so he can see him. We stayed in the park for like 20 min, barely talking, and then he left....
He "misses the dog." Next he will realize he left something there he needs to come get. And he will text you because something he saw made him think of you. Then he will find something of yours at his place that he just has to give back. And then it will be another thing....
He is probably missing that codependent dynamic between you two also!
But the great news is that it sounds like you are seeing this thing from a decent vantage point now. Sounds like you are seeing it for what it actually is, and moving on to make things better for yourself and to make better choices for yourself. It is going to get much better now. Yay you!
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Thank you, thank you, thank you!
I also see my progress myself, how I start seeing him as he is, accepting this reality, letting go of control, I might slip, but in general I think I’m doing so much better.
I see myself now in a different place from where I was before, where his BS could get to me and affect me very bad, where I believed everything he said.
I do believe that his decision to leave me was a blessing for me, (of course it hurt like heck) because I got this space and time in which I could realize so many things, see so much that I just couldn’t have being next to him. I kept making excuses for his stupid actions, because of course it was hard to accept that I lived in toxic, addictive, abusive relationship that was harming me in many ways.
I also see my progress myself, how I start seeing him as he is, accepting this reality, letting go of control, I might slip, but in general I think I’m doing so much better.
I see myself now in a different place from where I was before, where his BS could get to me and affect me very bad, where I believed everything he said.
I do believe that his decision to leave me was a blessing for me, (of course it hurt like heck) because I got this space and time in which I could realize so many things, see so much that I just couldn’t have being next to him. I kept making excuses for his stupid actions, because of course it was hard to accept that I lived in toxic, addictive, abusive relationship that was harming me in many ways.
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