My dad is drinking again...
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,137
My dad is drinking again...
Hi everyone,
my dad stopped drinking about a year ago when his doc told him that he has too many white blood cells and put him on some strong medications since the first guess was, that it's still his hepatitis that he acquired in his 20s when he was taking heroin.
He was really eager to get back to health and paid so much money for all those meds, cut the wine out and I felt like we were slowly reconnecting for the first time in my adult life. I do have mixed memories about my childhood with him, sometimes he could be really absent and reject me or would get very angry and was irritable and distant. Other times we would have fun together and he was present and made up all these fun games and stories for me. Since my mum was always absent and got extremely abusive with me during my parents divorce, all of my nice childhood memories are about my dad (family wise).
When I moved out as a young adult, he more or less cut me out completely and didn't even call for birthdays anymore for a few years until I complained about that. He is re-married, she actually moved in when I was still around but since then his interest in who I am and what I am doing or how I feel is minimal. It's a bit like he decided that with me finishing high school his project "child" was done.
Now for that one year when he wasn't drinking, it seemed a little more like we were re-connecting and he sporadically showed some interest in what I'm doing at least and I hoped that we could create some more nice memories as a family while he's still around.
Earlier this year he then was diagnosed with an incurable illness, similar to leucemia but less malign. At the moment he's still well physically but this disease can get worse randomly and then needs to be treated with a chemo which can, sometimes, send it back into remission. All in all there's not a ton of research done about this illness as it's not very common. On average 50% of the patients die within the next 7 years after the diagnose but for some it stays stable for decades before getting worse.
It seems like he has already given up though, back to drinking a lot and not listening to others in conversations, being bossy, contradicting himself all the time, being somewhat hurtful and unloading all of his emotions onto me when he gets really drunk. All his worst sides are coming out.
I am so sad to see him like that again and to just give up. His brother was diagnosed with leucemia two weeks ago and he is now in hospital, getting a chemo, fighting. I don't understand why he isn't fighting, if it was me being sick, he'd be the first and the last person telling me to stay strong and to never give up.
I know I have to let go of that hope to spend some nice moments together again now that he is close to retirement and also accept that he is ruining his health even more by drinking so much again. I'm not sure what I want with this post, I guess just talk to people who can relate.... Thanks so much for listening / reading.
my dad stopped drinking about a year ago when his doc told him that he has too many white blood cells and put him on some strong medications since the first guess was, that it's still his hepatitis that he acquired in his 20s when he was taking heroin.
He was really eager to get back to health and paid so much money for all those meds, cut the wine out and I felt like we were slowly reconnecting for the first time in my adult life. I do have mixed memories about my childhood with him, sometimes he could be really absent and reject me or would get very angry and was irritable and distant. Other times we would have fun together and he was present and made up all these fun games and stories for me. Since my mum was always absent and got extremely abusive with me during my parents divorce, all of my nice childhood memories are about my dad (family wise).
When I moved out as a young adult, he more or less cut me out completely and didn't even call for birthdays anymore for a few years until I complained about that. He is re-married, she actually moved in when I was still around but since then his interest in who I am and what I am doing or how I feel is minimal. It's a bit like he decided that with me finishing high school his project "child" was done.
Now for that one year when he wasn't drinking, it seemed a little more like we were re-connecting and he sporadically showed some interest in what I'm doing at least and I hoped that we could create some more nice memories as a family while he's still around.
Earlier this year he then was diagnosed with an incurable illness, similar to leucemia but less malign. At the moment he's still well physically but this disease can get worse randomly and then needs to be treated with a chemo which can, sometimes, send it back into remission. All in all there's not a ton of research done about this illness as it's not very common. On average 50% of the patients die within the next 7 years after the diagnose but for some it stays stable for decades before getting worse.
It seems like he has already given up though, back to drinking a lot and not listening to others in conversations, being bossy, contradicting himself all the time, being somewhat hurtful and unloading all of his emotions onto me when he gets really drunk. All his worst sides are coming out.
I am so sad to see him like that again and to just give up. His brother was diagnosed with leucemia two weeks ago and he is now in hospital, getting a chemo, fighting. I don't understand why he isn't fighting, if it was me being sick, he'd be the first and the last person telling me to stay strong and to never give up.
I know I have to let go of that hope to spend some nice moments together again now that he is close to retirement and also accept that he is ruining his health even more by drinking so much again. I'm not sure what I want with this post, I guess just talk to people who can relate.... Thanks so much for listening / reading.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,633
hey kevlarsjal. I'm really sorry to hear that he's not well and that he has gone back to drinking.
Maybe, instead of thinking of it as letting go of that hope, just really accept him for who he is? Yes, he does have good points but he can also be all those negative things you mention above and who wants to be around that for any length of time.
With my Father, I would only go and see him when he had not been drinking that day. I also told him not to call me when he had been drinking. I never asked him not to drink, never told him when to stop and never discussed his drinking per-se - just set my boundary. There is no reason for you to have to listen to all his drunken emotions.
Maybe, instead of thinking of it as letting go of that hope, just really accept him for who he is? Yes, he does have good points but he can also be all those negative things you mention above and who wants to be around that for any length of time.
With my Father, I would only go and see him when he had not been drinking that day. I also told him not to call me when he had been drinking. I never asked him not to drink, never told him when to stop and never discussed his drinking per-se - just set my boundary. There is no reason for you to have to listen to all his drunken emotions.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Kev........why not check out the support group----"Adult Children of Alcoholics". You would receive a lot of understanding and validation for your feelings, in this group.
You can get their Big Book on amazon.com---in the book section, as well as their other literature. At lease, you could read the literature.
You can get their Big Book on amazon.com---in the book section, as well as their other literature. At lease, you could read the literature.
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Originally Posted by trailmix 
With my Father, I would only go and see him when he had not been drinking that day. I also told him not to call me when he had been drinking. I never asked him not to drink, never told him when to stop and never discussed his drinking per-se - just set my boundary. There is no reason for you to have to listen to all his drunken emotions.
I agree here with TrailMix- I had to set boundaries not only with my Mom before she stopped drinking but, other members of my family as well. (Still do for those who are not in recovery). The key is setting your own boundaries for YOU! Listiening to "drunken emotions" is a waste of energy and telling them to stop is even a bigger waste of our precious energy. Some of my family finally woke up and started to do the work they needed for themselves and that is huge when they realized what they were doing to not only us but, most importantly themselves.
Remember to take care of YOU first!
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