The Gift that Keeps on Giving

Old 02-15-2021, 10:59 PM
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The Gift that Keeps on Giving

To spare you my entire back story, I'll just say that AXBF has been, for all intents and purposes, out of mine and my daughter's life for over three years since I filed a restraining order against him and he decided to never use his supervised visitation. In 2017, he violated the restraining order by visiting my daughter when she was in his mother's care. His very belated settlement conference for the violation took place last week. He was offered a diversion of--are you ready for this BS?--parenting classes. I don't see how that helps the situation whatsoever since he is by no means a parent, but at least they didn't dismiss the case completely. My involvement in the case has been nothing but a source of anxiety and stress on top of working full time, being the only parent, dealing with a dying family member, and the general stressors of the pandemic. I was just happy it was over and that I wouldn't have to testify until...

I got a letter in the mail from child support because he requested a review, which is clearly an act of retaliation on his part. Any normal person who committed a crime would be happy with the slap on the wrist he received, but oh no, not this narcissistic jerk. Anything short of full and complete victory just makes him feel more like a victim, so the only thing he can do to get back at me is to request to pay less money for the child he basically abandoned. And funnily enough, he doesn't even pay any child support anyway! He owes thousands in arrears, and the only money I ever received was from an interception of an inheritance he received and garnishment of his wages for a few short months. How can someone request to pay less than the $0 they currently pay? It's absolutely ridiculous! And now I have to spend time that I don't have to spare filling out all of this paperwork.

I feel anxious and enraged and overwhelmed. I need to vent to people who understand. And I feel obliged to warn anyone considering having a child with an alcoholic.
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Old 02-16-2021, 04:33 AM
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I am so sorry you're going through this.

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Old 02-16-2021, 06:42 AM
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It can feel so unfair! We work so hard trying to do the best we can, many times we've made concessions, gone without, been more than fair too them/for them but still... they act bad, "get away" with it or get a slap on the wrist etc. I know I got the short end of the stick when my AXH and I separated but he still acted as though I'd taken him to the cleaners and tried to give me even less. It feels unfair because it is. It sucks.

You have a lot on your plate SaveHer. It's no wonder you are feeling overwhelmed. I hope you have a support system in place so that you get a chance for some self care. You need some down time to catch your breath and charge your batteries with all that you have going on.

He doesn't pay now, but he wants to pay less... what? Does he think if he has a lesser amount to pay, he will and then he can start seeing her again? It won't be that easy after four years of both physical and monetary neglect. He is probably just trying to make you miserable by dragging this crap out. Try not to buy into it. Fill out the papers as best you can and be done with them. I know its a p.i.t.a. but once you've done it , it's behind you. Best case scenario they review it, see he hasn't been paying and this all comes around, bites HIM in the butt and you start getting a few bucks to help care for your daughter.

Try not to waste too much of your time thinking about him, I know it's hard, but it's not worth it. Hang in there. *hugs*
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Old 02-16-2021, 09:43 AM
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Im sorry for your situation. I am glad to read that your daughter has a good mother looking after her best interests.

In my case its the mother of the daughter who is a long term addict. Daughter lived with this mother. You can possibly imagine the long term crap she has been put through. I am not the father & I did try to help. Daughters father is also a long term addict.

My point is at least your daughter has a good & caring mother.

I also joined SR in June 2017. Its not pleasant for me to think back to that month & year.

Please take care.
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Old 02-16-2021, 10:20 AM
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And funnily enough, he doesn't even pay any child support anyway! He owes thousands in arrears, and the only money I ever received was from an interception of an inheritance he received and garnishment of his wages for a few short months. How can someone request to pay less than the $0 they currently pay? It's absolutely ridiculous!
Just a suggestion that helped my niece and may or may not help you. Would he be willing to sign off ALL parental rights if you were willing to forgive the child support not paid (and not likely to be paid in the future anyway)?

You are supporting yourself and your child anyway and this would get rid of his reason to contact or annoy you, once and for all.

Just a thought, it may or may not work for both of you, but in my niece's case it allowed her to move on and leave the baggage of her (abusive) ex behind.

No matter what you decide is best for you and your daughter, please get legal advice on his request to pay less and possible solutions.

My heart hurts for you. Your child is blessed for having such a caring mother.
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Old 02-16-2021, 01:52 PM
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Thank you everyone for your words of understanding and encouragement.

Our current order stipulates that he pay around $400 per month; he just never pays it, and because he is completely unemployed and living with his mother for free, I'm sure they will lower this amount considerably. I spoke with child support today, and his failure to pay has no bearing on the review.

I had never considered asking him to sign away his parental rights in exchange for no child support. It would be interesting to see if his ego will override his common sense. I imagine this would require me to hire a lawyer. Does anyone else have experience with this?
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Old 02-16-2021, 02:54 PM
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You would need a lawyer to draw up the agreement and make sure that it is in your best interest (and the child's).

Others here may have more experience with all this.
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Old 02-19-2021, 07:14 PM
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Yes, I have a ton of experience in this. In most states, the issues of custody, visitation, and child support are each a separate issue. In our case, I continued to court each time my child's co-genetic contributor wanted a review of the ordered support he didn't pay. In each hearing, he was unable to prove that he could not sustain a reasonable income in his field and was ordered increases. Every.single.time.

That didn't stop him. He dragged me into court no less than 3 times a year for years. All the while, he never exercised his rights of visitation and only proved to be a hindrance to conservatorship of basics like medical care.

By the time the child was 18, I had gained full conservatorship and $60k in arrears owed in child support. If it's ever paid, that amount will go nicely toward higher education or a home down payment for the child.

I knew the co-genetic contributor would probably have signed off his "rights" gladly if he had the option. I never could do that to my child. My child has the rights to financial gain if ever paid and to the knowledge that I advocated for them all those years. If the co-genetic contributor passes away or if a windfall of inheritance ever came his way, or if he files for SSI, my child has rights to that as well.
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Old 02-19-2021, 07:41 PM
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Originally Posted by ItsNotYou2 View Post
Yes, I have a ton of experience in this. In most states, the issues of custody, visitation, and child support are each a separate issue. In our case, I continued to court each time my child's co-genetic contributor wanted a review of the ordered support he didn't pay. In each hearing, he was unable to prove that he could not sustain a reasonable income in his field and was ordered increases. Every.single.time.

That didn't stop him. He dragged me into court no less than 3 times a year for years. All the while, he never exercised his rights of visitation and only proved to be a hindrance to conservatorship of basics like medical care.

By the time the child was 18, I had gained full conservatorship and $60k in arrears owed in child support. If it's ever paid, that amount will go nicely toward higher education or a home down payment for the child.

I knew the co-genetic contributor would probably have signed off his "rights" gladly if he had the option. I never could do that to my child. My child has the rights to financial gain if ever paid and to the knowledge that I advocated for them all those years. If the co-genetic contributor passes away or if a windfall of inheritance ever came his way, or if he files for SSI, my child has rights to that as well.
Very much this. I understand from my lawyer that the deadbeat could sign away parental rights, but (I do not live in US, mind) a child cannot have their rights to that financial support severed. Even if parents sign agreements not to pay, it can be overturned at any point and the child can apply for that support. Cause they exist and need to be supported.
I hope the above poster's child gets that 60k; that generational wealth is their birthright!
good luck!

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Old 02-20-2021, 07:56 PM
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Thank you for helping me to consider all of the variables in this situation. You're right. To a certain extent, any support that might come down the pipeline belongs to her and may come in handy later in life--even if she only receives it when he's of retirement age.

It also occurred to me that my daughter might resent me later in life for, essentially, enabling her father to shirk his parental responsibilities. How could I ever explain to her why the situation was dire enough to warrant a complete removal of her father from her life? It's one thing for him to choose to not be present, but it's quite another for me to make a deal with him to ensure his lack of presence. I don't want to make a selfish decision that benefits me in the short-term yet potentially harms her or her perception of me in the long-term.

For now, I guess I just have to endure his drama. As usual.
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