Swordfish1

I’ve just told my alcoholic son that I no longer will help him. He begged me for help.
I can’t do it anymore. Nothing changes he’s now been drinking non stop for a week he’s lost his job and soon will lose his home. I’ve tried to get him to get help, all I get from is it’s too hard.
This has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done letting go. I’m crying as I write this. I feel awful
Am I doing the right thing,I don’t know.
Has anyone else been in this situation?

PeacefulWater12

I am so sorry you are going through this. You have absolutely done the right thing. Both for you and your son.

He needs to have the chance to step up and help himself. By stepping away, you have given him this opportunity. He will need to find the strength himself as the adult he is.

Sending kind hugs to you.

dandylion

Swordfish.....I don't even know how old your son is----but, regardless, you are doing the right thing!! It is also, a very hard thing for a parent to do. It is counterintuitive and against the instincts of a parent.
We still carry the child in our hearts in a deeper kind of way than anyone else. After all, we can't just "divorce" our children like we can with a romantic relationship. It go sooo much deeper. We are connected by our very DNA.
I hope that you are getting help for yourself---this is very essential. It will help if you learn all that can be learned about how alcoholism works. It is very easy to enable our children in well-meaning ways, without even knowing it.
My adult son didn't start to get better until I completely stopped enabling him. This didn't happen, overnight. Of course, he was very angry at me, also. I had to get beyond feeling guilty for doing the right thing. Parental "guilt" will be your enemy. Don't let it be! Get into alanon, right away. I suggest that you go to some OPEN AA meetings, yourself, These are meetings that allow visitors to attend---you don't have to be an alcoholic and you aren't expected to say anything or to share. You can just observe and listen, You will learn a lot that will help YOU in doing the right thing.
I wish that I had had support much earlier for myself and that I knew more about how I was enabling than I did.

In many ways, this is going to be harder for you than for him.

nez

Swordfish1, you are definitely doing the right thing and you are helping your son by doing it. A lot of alcoholics have to hit their rock bottom before changing. Any help (other than the right thing) you give to your son will probably only slow his descent to his rock bottom which damages both your son and you. By doing the right thing, you are sending a powerful message and life lesson to your son. Doing the right thing sometimes hurts in the short run but pays off in the long run. It may not be easy, but it is the right thing; and that is never wrong! Peace to you and your son. You are a good dad.

Bute

Hi Swordfish,
I can relate to those feelings. My son abused alcohol, but his main drug of choice became heroin.
We had to evict him from the family home 7 years ago, and I felt as if my heart had been ripped from my chest.
Over time, I have learned how to step back, as addiction is so destructive. It taints everything it touches.
Perhaps by stepping back from your soon, he will have no choice but to seek help. Or not, as the case may be. The ball is in his court regards that.
Take each day as it comes, difficult though it is initially.
Much Love
Bute x

Swordfish1

Thanks for all your comments, you don’t realise how much it helps.

Hunny1116

Another mom here, Swordfish, and yes, you are doing the right thing for you and for your son. My son has been in and out of active addiction and alcoholism for many years now. Once I accepted that nothing (absolutely nothing) I did helped him, I detached with much the same heartache you are feeling. It was destroying me to see him destroy himself, but I was helping him do it.
One of the wisest things I've ever read was on this forum: "Most people, with the rare exception, are capable of managing their own lives. Is your son a rare exception?"
My son is not. I pray for him every day and move on. Keep reaching out for support here and Alanon/CODA. Double down on caring for yourself. Take up a hobby, take an online course, if you aren't working, volunteer. These things helped me to stop obsessing on my son who's 44 years old and capable of managing his own life.
Sending love,
Hunny

COYI

I am a dad of an addict son. He relapsed on Saturday (coke). I am devastated. I have tried so hard to help him, but we are again pushed back into the darkness. Every day of sobriety is a blessing and every day of addiction is hell.

i am praying for you.

seekingcalm

Thank you for posting. As the mother of a 29 year old alcoholic son, I believe you did the right thing. I believe that no one has the right to get in the way of someone else's bottom. I believe that as a mother, I am willing to sacrifice my relationship...however unsatisfying it had become...with my beloved son. He hasn't seen or spoken to me in over 2 years now because I refuse to pretend that all is well. My heart is broken but if that's the price I have to pay for him to have some consequence for his behavior...I am willing to pay it.
Please read, "The Battle Isn't Yours to Fight"...it's posted on the other family forum on this site and I have read it many times. It gives me strength to know that in setting boundaries and pointing out the obvious...I am doing the right thing...the only thing.
I wish you peace, and strength, and hope....I always have hope...we never know what the catalyst might be to get our alcoholic loved ones to turn things around, but if nothing changes, then nothing changes. Here's something else I read that sticks with me..."If an addict is happy with you, you're probably enabling them. If an addict is mad at you, you're probably trying to save their life"...

OKRunner

SeekingCalm, thank you so much for saying, ""If an addict is happy with you, you're probably enabling them. If an addict is mad at you, you're probably trying to save their life"". My AXBF is very unhappy with me today because I refused to cave to his disrespectful behavior on a work issue (we still have to work together) and you just reminded me to just ignore that. His disrespectful behavior was his. I won't respond/cave to it. I'm a soft-hearted person and don't like people to be mad at me but if he's mad ... that's his emotion, not mine. Thank you.