I’ve been away for a while...
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Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 65
I’ve been away for a while...
Yes, I’ve been away while things were good, and then, things were so bad that I didn’t have time to post. I come to you humbly today for support. I feel like giving up. I’m so afraid. Afraid that my husband will continue to take us on this rollar coaster... lovely slow, fun, kind parts and then whoosh!, up in the air, turn you on your head, nauseas parts when I ask again, why, how etc etc. Today, my daughter had a melt down about her phone. She’s 13. It was rough, she was definitely misbehaving and completely impatient, but I could see her anxiety, and after the calm down, she told her dad that she’s even more anxious now because he’ll probably go drink. She told him of how nervous she becomes. He couldn’t handle it and left to walk outside. Better than yelling I suppose but I wish he would hear her out. She deserves to be heard. I listened to her and later, mistakenly thought that I should tell him what she said. His shame came raging out: “Oh, she diagnosed herself with anxiety did she?” What did I expect? The only humility I see from this man is the day or two after a big episode. Yet, I find myself with much compassion for him as well. His childhood was taken from him because of sexual abuse. It was horrible for him as a ten- twelve year old. I struggle so much because so many days are good here. Then I have to watch him unintentionally hurt our children because of addiction, because of his own trauma. I’m disappearing. I’m lost.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
OLM......I hope you will consider how much your husband's alcoholism and other issues are being detrimental to the children, and, of course, to your life also.
You recognize that your husband's childood was impacted by the sexual abuse, but, the abuse and the alcoholism is stealing a part of your children;s childhood, now.
I realize that you love him. It takes more than love, though. If your love would make everything o.k., he would be o.k. by now After all you have been with him for several years.
There are times when the only option is to love from a distance. Times when loving from a distance is the best thing for all involved.
Do you now that there are some support organizations for men who have been sexually abused? There are some websites that are dedicated to this.
You recognize that your husband's childood was impacted by the sexual abuse, but, the abuse and the alcoholism is stealing a part of your children;s childhood, now.
I realize that you love him. It takes more than love, though. If your love would make everything o.k., he would be o.k. by now After all you have been with him for several years.
There are times when the only option is to love from a distance. Times when loving from a distance is the best thing for all involved.
Do you now that there are some support organizations for men who have been sexually abused? There are some websites that are dedicated to this.
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Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 259
Hey OLM, did your husband actually go drink after your daughter said that? I know leaving may have hurt her feelings, and took the chance to talk more away for that time, but it could have been his way of de-escalating the situation. It sounds like what she said was something really hard to hear, and he probably needed space to cool off and gather his thoughts.
Ofc I don't know any more about the situation, perhaps it was the completely wrong way he should have responded to the stress, or more was going on, etc. If he's open to it, it would probably help to sit down when everyone is more calm and talk about how each of you has been feeling. I wasn't the best at that sort of thing when I was 13, but it might help to show each of you the other's perspectives.
Also, I'm sure you've heard this before, but definitely remind your daughter she can't make your husband drink. She may do things that hurt or upset him, everyone does eventually (I was a professional at causing my parents stress as a teen myself) but it's his choice to drink.
You've got this!
Ofc I don't know any more about the situation, perhaps it was the completely wrong way he should have responded to the stress, or more was going on, etc. If he's open to it, it would probably help to sit down when everyone is more calm and talk about how each of you has been feeling. I wasn't the best at that sort of thing when I was 13, but it might help to show each of you the other's perspectives.
Also, I'm sure you've heard this before, but definitely remind your daughter she can't make your husband drink. She may do things that hurt or upset him, everyone does eventually (I was a professional at causing my parents stress as a teen myself) but it's his choice to drink.
You've got this!
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Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 65
Thank you for the feedback!
Yes, it is true, that was his way of dealing with the shame he feels around it. It was calm when my daughter said this to him but I suppose he couldn’t bare to hear it. I have since said to him that I understand why he left in that moment, but he does need to give her the time to actually listen to her. As for leaving him, that would only make the situation worse for my children, because he wouldn’t be able to deal with it and my kids would still have to deal with him on the times when he’s drinking. He would fall apart and then I would have more worry about my children. We have a lot of good days between the bad ones. I think what I need to do is focus on being a great parent to my kids, and as long as I can do that, I’m doing what’s best for them. It’s very disappointing for them when they see him intoxicated, but they would see that if we were apart as well. If we were apart, I wouldn’t be there to make sure they’re ok. He’s not mean when he’s drinking, just sad or numb I think. He’s still very functional most days and helps around the house, goes to work etc. He is self employed so that has enabled him to continue drinking to a degree. Anyways, thank you. I’m feeling more peaceful today.
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Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 65
[QUOTE=dandylion
Do you now that there are some support organizations for men who have been sexually abused? There are some websites that are dedicated to this.[/QUOTE]
Yes, thank you Dandylion. He says he doesn’t think about it too much anymore when he’s sober. He really does spiral down into it when drinking though. I think it has left a much bigger footprint on him than he is able to understand. Although this happened to him for two years only, it was frequent and he was only 11 -12. Anyway, please pass on any good sites that you know of. I’m familiar with 1in6.org.
Do you now that there are some support organizations for men who have been sexually abused? There are some websites that are dedicated to this.[/QUOTE]
Yes, thank you Dandylion. He says he doesn’t think about it too much anymore when he’s sober. He really does spiral down into it when drinking though. I think it has left a much bigger footprint on him than he is able to understand. Although this happened to him for two years only, it was frequent and he was only 11 -12. Anyway, please pass on any good sites that you know of. I’m familiar with 1in6.org.
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Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 259
Originally Posted by OliviaLynnMarsh 
I think it has left a much bigger footprint on him than he is able to understand. Although this happened to him for two years only, it was frequent and he was only 11 -12.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
OLM.....I want to say this to you as gently as I can. I think that you are laboring under a lot of misinformation and lack of certain knowledge regarding your children and the impact of the alcoholism in the children's lives. Actually, I think that this forum can be a source of information for you in these matters. There are legal ways to insure that he can only have the children when he is not intoxicated. There are ways to check his level of sobriety (or not)....for example, many people on this forum have used SOBER LINK system. Of course, you will need to have legal advice and consultation.
Even if you are the best parent that you can be--living in an acoholic home is well documented to be destructive to the children. It is better to live with one sober, stable parent in a peaceful and predictable home than with two parents in the same home, if one of them is an alcoholic or addict.
There is an organization "Adult Children of Alcoholics" (ACOA)----that is just for helping people to deal with the alcoholism from their childhoods.
Your daughter is at a very important pivotal age (13yrs.), This will be very impactful to her during the teen years and there will probably be a lot more problems than normal.
You can get the "Big Bok" for the Adult Children of Alcoholics on amazon,com, in the book section. There are also several other books on the effect of alcoholism on children, in that book section.
There are books on how to talk to your children about alcoholism, also.
Please, at least, read the literature and the Big Book. There is sooo much to know. Knowledge is power.
I hope that your husband will seek some help for his early sexual trauma, as he is unlikely to ever deal with his alcoholism until he is able to address the inner scars and damage of that.
Even if you are the best parent that you can be--living in an acoholic home is well documented to be destructive to the children. It is better to live with one sober, stable parent in a peaceful and predictable home than with two parents in the same home, if one of them is an alcoholic or addict.
There is an organization "Adult Children of Alcoholics" (ACOA)----that is just for helping people to deal with the alcoholism from their childhoods.
Your daughter is at a very important pivotal age (13yrs.), This will be very impactful to her during the teen years and there will probably be a lot more problems than normal.
You can get the "Big Bok" for the Adult Children of Alcoholics on amazon,com, in the book section. There are also several other books on the effect of alcoholism on children, in that book section.
There are books on how to talk to your children about alcoholism, also.
Please, at least, read the literature and the Big Book. There is sooo much to know. Knowledge is power.
I hope that your husband will seek some help for his early sexual trauma, as he is unlikely to ever deal with his alcoholism until he is able to address the inner scars and damage of that.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
OLM......here is one of the well known and largest organizations for males who have been sexually abused.
Sexual Assault of Men and Boys | RAINN
Sexual Assault of Men and Boys | RAINN
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,614
Originally Posted by Ldavis
Hello, I am a newcomer and want to thank you for this place to share.
Lots of support for you here.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,614
I’m disappearing. I’m lost
Originally Posted by OliviaLynnMarsh
Although this happened to him for two years only
What I'm really hearing is that you are trying really hard to keep everything calm and normal and it's not really working. He purposefully hurts your children (and you). He was sexually abused horribly. There is no "only", once is a huge trauma for a child.
But I get it and please don't think I am trying to lay guilt or judge you, I have compassion for you, for all of you.
I grew up in a house with an alcoholic Father, (and a terrific Mother) it will have far reaching affects on your children in to adulthood and because you are all living in such dysfunction, you probably won't even realize it until you start to see how they do things like:
- Put other people before themselves (as in not looking out for their wellbeing)
- Become "caregivers" of other people
- Like to control situations
- End up in an abusive relationship and/or one with an alcoholic and they will stick around hoping to "make it all right"
I really hope you will take dandylion's words to heart and have a look at the ACOA literature.
This will help you and your children, even if you decide to stay put, you can perhaps help to guide them. Also there is Al-Anon for younger people, and therapy too of course.
As for the staying vs leaving. Again, with no judgement intended. If at some point you do decide to leave, you can require sobriety testing for visitation. A good lawyer, well versed in addictions can guide you on this. Something like sober-link.
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OLM, if you are interested, here are some books from our book list for teens in an alcoholic family:
Hornik-Beer, E. For Teenagers Living with a Parent Who Abuses Alcohol/Drugs
Leite, B. Different Like Me: A Book for Teens Who Worry about Their Parent's Use of Alcohol/Drugs
Porterfield, K. Coping with an Alcoholic Parent
Hornik-Beer, E. For Teenagers Living with a Parent Who Abuses Alcohol/Drugs
Leite, B. Different Like Me: A Book for Teens Who Worry about Their Parent's Use of Alcohol/Drugs
Porterfield, K. Coping with an Alcoholic Parent
Member
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 36
Hi. I'm not sure I'm going to be a massive help but I relate massively to a certain part of your post.
I'm on this board newly this week. I got involved with what was a lovely man. He had all the nice qualities. I honestly thought this was my future. We sat one night and talked for four hours. He told me he hadn't drank alcohol for 4 months (at the time) he told me how he had attempted suicide and I already knew he had an agonising back problem. But I thought wow. What a strong man. He really opened up and told me everything.
He has remained sober and hasn't slipped up. Although he has recently stopped opiates from the drs.
After being in his life a few short months I see his behaviour in the way you describe your husband's. I tried to talk to him about how his highs and lows affected me. Bang!!! I was dumped. I was always paranoid. Always questioning him. He was done. Hung up. Told me he had lost respect for me.
ON Wednesday he wanted me to call. He had been sending blunt short messages and really acting cold. On the phone he contradicted himself. It was like he was the victim. I was the problem. His ex was the problem. Other people worrying was the problem. Because according to him, he's fine! Then he was saying I stopped him concentrating at work. He wanted to focus on work for now. So I fully supported that and agreed. All I said was I wasn't playing games so to make a decision and stick to it. Then suddenly he wanted me but without me getting at him. He wanted a relationship. Then he liked being single.
I feel I'm droning on. But I can only describe the behaviour as selfish. I can't speak for your husband. But with my man he has choosen to do it alone. No support groups. No meetings etc. He thinks he's in control. Whilst he is managing to not drink and he is working full time. He hasn't got his emotions under control. He doesn't notice his behaviour. He can't handle stress in life yet he wants to take it all on now. I know he's scared deep down. He will admit things. But then deny those things. It's like one minute he's this amazing man I feel safe with. The next he's like a stroppy 18 year old who wants to mess around. He also doesn't eat properly. Doesn't go food shopping. His sleeps a mess. He spends his weekends sleeping and moping around. He's pushed alot of his family away.
He's currently in touch with me as Normal again like nothing happened. I am so angry at myself. Because even though I don't see us with a future deep down. I still care and I know I'm almost all he has. It's hard to walk away. I have tried to educate myself on things this week but it's such a horrible situation as clearly life would be easier without it all.
I really feel for you and your daughter. It's true that they can only help themselves. They have to be prepared to sort it out and sadly they often don't see it.
I don't have much advice but feel free to chat to me x
I'm on this board newly this week. I got involved with what was a lovely man. He had all the nice qualities. I honestly thought this was my future. We sat one night and talked for four hours. He told me he hadn't drank alcohol for 4 months (at the time) he told me how he had attempted suicide and I already knew he had an agonising back problem. But I thought wow. What a strong man. He really opened up and told me everything.
He has remained sober and hasn't slipped up. Although he has recently stopped opiates from the drs.
After being in his life a few short months I see his behaviour in the way you describe your husband's. I tried to talk to him about how his highs and lows affected me. Bang!!! I was dumped. I was always paranoid. Always questioning him. He was done. Hung up. Told me he had lost respect for me.
ON Wednesday he wanted me to call. He had been sending blunt short messages and really acting cold. On the phone he contradicted himself. It was like he was the victim. I was the problem. His ex was the problem. Other people worrying was the problem. Because according to him, he's fine! Then he was saying I stopped him concentrating at work. He wanted to focus on work for now. So I fully supported that and agreed. All I said was I wasn't playing games so to make a decision and stick to it. Then suddenly he wanted me but without me getting at him. He wanted a relationship. Then he liked being single.
I feel I'm droning on. But I can only describe the behaviour as selfish. I can't speak for your husband. But with my man he has choosen to do it alone. No support groups. No meetings etc. He thinks he's in control. Whilst he is managing to not drink and he is working full time. He hasn't got his emotions under control. He doesn't notice his behaviour. He can't handle stress in life yet he wants to take it all on now. I know he's scared deep down. He will admit things. But then deny those things. It's like one minute he's this amazing man I feel safe with. The next he's like a stroppy 18 year old who wants to mess around. He also doesn't eat properly. Doesn't go food shopping. His sleeps a mess. He spends his weekends sleeping and moping around. He's pushed alot of his family away.
He's currently in touch with me as Normal again like nothing happened. I am so angry at myself. Because even though I don't see us with a future deep down. I still care and I know I'm almost all he has. It's hard to walk away. I have tried to educate myself on things this week but it's such a horrible situation as clearly life would be easier without it all.
I really feel for you and your daughter. It's true that they can only help themselves. They have to be prepared to sort it out and sadly they often don't see it.
I don't have much advice but feel free to chat to me x
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 65
Originally Posted by Popsy
Hi. I'm not sure I'm going to be a massive help but I relate massively to a certain part of your post.
I'm on this board newly this week. I got involved with what was a lovely man. He had all the nice qualities. I honestly thought this was my future. We sat one night and talked for four hours. He told me he hadn't drank alcohol for 4 months (at the time) he told me how he had attempted suicide and I already knew he had an agonising back problem. But I thought wow. What a strong man. He really opened up and told me everything.
He has remained sober and hasn't slipped up. Although he has recently stopped opiates from the drs.
After being in his life a few short months I see his behaviour in the way you describe your husband's. I tried to talk to him about how his highs and lows affected me. Bang!!! I was dumped. I was always paranoid. Always questioning him. He was done. Hung up. Told me he had lost respect for me.
ON Wednesday he wanted me to call. He had been sending blunt short messages and really acting cold. On the phone he contradicted himself. It was like he was the victim. I was the problem. His ex was the problem. Other people worrying was the problem. Because according to him, he's fine! Then he was saying I stopped him concentrating at work. He wanted to focus on work for now. So I fully supported that and agreed. All I said was I wasn't playing games so to make a decision and stick to it. Then suddenly he wanted me but without me getting at him. He wanted a relationship. Then he liked being single.
I feel I'm droning on. But I can only describe the behaviour as selfish. I can't speak for your husband. But with my man he has choosen to do it alone. No support groups. No meetings etc. He thinks he's in control. Whilst he is managing to not drink and he is working full time. He hasn't got his emotions under control. He doesn't notice his behaviour. He can't handle stress in life yet he wants to take it all on now. I know he's scared deep down. He will admit things. But then deny those things. It's like one minute he's this amazing man I feel safe with. The next he's like a stroppy 18 year old who wants to mess around. He also doesn't eat properly. Doesn't go food shopping. His sleeps a mess. He spends his weekends sleeping and moping around. He's pushed alot of his family away.
He's currently in touch with me as Normal again like nothing happened. I am so angry at myself. Because even though I don't see us with a future deep down. I still care and I know I'm almost all he has. It's hard to walk away. I have tried to educate myself on things this week but it's such a horrible situation as clearly life would be easier without it all.
I really feel for you and your daughter. It's true that they can only help themselves. They have to be prepared to sort it out and sadly they often don't see it.
I don't have much advice but feel free to chat to me x
I'm on this board newly this week. I got involved with what was a lovely man. He had all the nice qualities. I honestly thought this was my future. We sat one night and talked for four hours. He told me he hadn't drank alcohol for 4 months (at the time) he told me how he had attempted suicide and I already knew he had an agonising back problem. But I thought wow. What a strong man. He really opened up and told me everything.
He has remained sober and hasn't slipped up. Although he has recently stopped opiates from the drs.
After being in his life a few short months I see his behaviour in the way you describe your husband's. I tried to talk to him about how his highs and lows affected me. Bang!!! I was dumped. I was always paranoid. Always questioning him. He was done. Hung up. Told me he had lost respect for me.
ON Wednesday he wanted me to call. He had been sending blunt short messages and really acting cold. On the phone he contradicted himself. It was like he was the victim. I was the problem. His ex was the problem. Other people worrying was the problem. Because according to him, he's fine! Then he was saying I stopped him concentrating at work. He wanted to focus on work for now. So I fully supported that and agreed. All I said was I wasn't playing games so to make a decision and stick to it. Then suddenly he wanted me but without me getting at him. He wanted a relationship. Then he liked being single.
I feel I'm droning on. But I can only describe the behaviour as selfish. I can't speak for your husband. But with my man he has choosen to do it alone. No support groups. No meetings etc. He thinks he's in control. Whilst he is managing to not drink and he is working full time. He hasn't got his emotions under control. He doesn't notice his behaviour. He can't handle stress in life yet he wants to take it all on now. I know he's scared deep down. He will admit things. But then deny those things. It's like one minute he's this amazing man I feel safe with. The next he's like a stroppy 18 year old who wants to mess around. He also doesn't eat properly. Doesn't go food shopping. His sleeps a mess. He spends his weekends sleeping and moping around. He's pushed alot of his family away.
He's currently in touch with me as Normal again like nothing happened. I am so angry at myself. Because even though I don't see us with a future deep down. I still care and I know I'm almost all he has. It's hard to walk away. I have tried to educate myself on things this week but it's such a horrible situation as clearly life would be easier without it all.
I really feel for you and your daughter. It's true that they can only help themselves. They have to be prepared to sort it out and sadly they often don't see it.
I don't have much advice but feel free to chat to me x
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 65
Originally Posted by Anna
OLM, if you are interested, here are some books from our book list for teens in an alcoholic family:
Hornik-Beer, E. For Teenagers Living with a Parent Who Abuses Alcohol/Drugs
Leite, B. Different Like Me: A Book for Teens Who Worry about Their Parent's Use of Alcohol/Drugs
Porterfield, K. Coping with an Alcoholic Parent
Hornik-Beer, E. For Teenagers Living with a Parent Who Abuses Alcohol/Drugs
Leite, B. Different Like Me: A Book for Teens Who Worry about Their Parent's Use of Alcohol/Drugs
Porterfield, K. Coping with an Alcoholic Parent
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 65
Originally Posted by dandylion
OLM.....I want to say this to you as gently as I can. I think that you are laboring under a lot of misinformation and lack of certain knowledge regarding your children and the impact of the alcoholism in the children's lives. Actually, I think that this forum can be a source of information for you in these matters. There are legal ways to insure that he can only have the children when he is not intoxicated. There are ways to check his level of sobriety (or not)....for example, many people on this forum have used SOBER LINK system. Of course, you will need to have legal advice and consultation.
Even if you are the best parent that you can be--living in an acoholic home is well documented to be destructive to the children. It is better to live with one sober, stable parent in a peaceful and predictable home than with two parents in the same home, if one of them is an alcoholic or addict.
There is an organization "Adult Children of Alcoholics" (ACOA)----that is just for helping people to deal with the alcoholism from their childhoods.
Your daughter is at a very important pivotal age (13yrs.), This will be very impactful to her during the teen years and there will probably be a lot more problems than normal.
You can get the "Big Bok" for the Adult Children of Alcoholics on amazon,com, in the book section. There are also several other books on the effect of alcoholism on children, in that book section.
There are books on how to talk to your children about alcoholism, also.
Please, at least, read the literature and the Big Book. There is sooo much to know. Knowledge is power.
I hope that your husband will seek some help for his early sexual trauma, as he is unlikely to ever deal with his alcoholism until he is able to address the inner scars and damage of that.
Even if you are the best parent that you can be--living in an acoholic home is well documented to be destructive to the children. It is better to live with one sober, stable parent in a peaceful and predictable home than with two parents in the same home, if one of them is an alcoholic or addict.
There is an organization "Adult Children of Alcoholics" (ACOA)----that is just for helping people to deal with the alcoholism from their childhoods.
Your daughter is at a very important pivotal age (13yrs.), This will be very impactful to her during the teen years and there will probably be a lot more problems than normal.
You can get the "Big Bok" for the Adult Children of Alcoholics on amazon,com, in the book section. There are also several other books on the effect of alcoholism on children, in that book section.
There are books on how to talk to your children about alcoholism, also.
Please, at least, read the literature and the Big Book. There is sooo much to know. Knowledge is power.
I hope that your husband will seek some help for his early sexual trauma, as he is unlikely to ever deal with his alcoholism until he is able to address the inner scars and damage of that.
xo
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
OliviaLynnMarsh.......LOL....I don't even expect you to be in agreement with me. Agreement is not what I seek or am here for. My intention is to be of help in any ways that I can, to those who are in crisis or hurting. Actually, being here is my personal way of "paying forward" for those who, over the course of my life, reached out a hand to me when I needed one. The Universe gave to me, and this is my way (tiny though it is) to giving back to the Universe.
Pointing others in the right or helpful direction....and, sometimes, sharing my own experiences and some knowledge that I might have collected, over the years is my usual/typical offering.
One thing that I have come to believe, is, that information and knowledge is soooo powerful in a person's life.
No worries. I just hope the best for you and your children...and for your husband, as well.
Pointing others in the right or helpful direction....and, sometimes, sharing my own experiences and some knowledge that I might have collected, over the years is my usual/typical offering.
One thing that I have come to believe, is, that information and knowledge is soooo powerful in a person's life.
No worries. I just hope the best for you and your children...and for your husband, as well.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by trailmix
I really hope you will take dandylion's words to heart and have a look at the ACOA literature.
This will help you and your children, even if you decide to stay put, you can perhaps help to guide them. Also there is Al-Anon for younger people, and therapy too of course.
This will help you and your children, even if you decide to stay put, you can perhaps help to guide them. Also there is Al-Anon for younger people, and therapy too of course.
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