trailmix

How did it go today NahAn?

NahAn

Thank you all for the caring responses.
Today was hell. I didn’t even see him take the stuff, I left him the key so I didn’t have to watch.
The most heartbreaking message he sent me said ‘if my kid asks for me, tell him I love him and that I had to get away for a while and will be back...whenever that may be’ He said he loved me and that this was going to be the last message he would send me for a while.
I re-read the last part a thousand times. The LAST message for a while...
He is apparently going to work on himself in the meantime.
What I got from these messages is - I want to be free to do whatever I want, go out when I want, hang out with whoever I want and drink whenever I want while you take care of my kid and wait around for me to come back...if I ever do. Also, if I don’t ever see my kid again, I don’t care.
I don’t know if it’s even all alcohol related. Sounds more like he wasn’t ready for a family and is even excited to finally get the freedom.
As far as suicide, even if I wanted to do it, there’s no way I will because I have a little one who needs me. I can’t just say I’m not ready to take care of him, like his dad did. That’s not what an adult human being should do no matter what.
Since it’s so fresh, it hurts like hell and I cried more today alone than all of the last three years combined.
I’m hoping that I soon get angry about his actions and messages and stop caring so much. I really wish I get to the point of hating him for what he did to us. There’s nothing I would love more than telling him it’s too late if he ever wanted to come back. Although I highly doubt he will ever want to come back.
I even said we should co-parent and he sort of said he will do what he can.

trailmix

You might be reading too much in to that text, I doubt he put as much thought in to it. I certainly wouldn't read in to it that he is going to work on himself, I see no indication of that in what he said at all and his actions don't prove that either.

You may not feel this yet, but this may well be a turning point for you. The fact that you realize that perhaps, maybe even soon, you might get angry about all this - yes even that is you moving forward. You may not be there yet, but you may be soon. In fact, if you are having any inkling of anger, grab on to it, let yourself be angry at least for a while, this can be used to propel yourself forward.

I am really sorry it was such a hard day for you, you are doing really well, better than you think probably.

dandylion

NahAn.......something else that you m ay n ot have thought of---that your hormones are still in the midst of fluctuating. The separation would, naturally, be an emotional time---but, the female hormones can make anything even more emotional than normal.
This entire experience would be a tough time for anyone. Remember that millions of women have faced this situation in life and gone on to have fulfilling lives. You will get past this.

NahAn

I’m sorry to everyone here who has tried to help me as I have failed. My XAF has finally asked to see our kid. He said he missed him so much and was asking for permission to see him.
He said he won’t ever drink again as he learned his lesson. No talk about therapy or anything else. He wants to work on getting us back.
So this is where I failed: since this break up broke me and I realized how badly I want us to be a family, I told him that we should hang out again. He wants to. We will still live apart while he fixes himself but we will hang out as a family more I guess.
I know that NC would be the best to get over him but he wants to see our kid. There is no way around not seeing him then. Isn’t it better for me to have more control by being there when they hang out rather than having to drop him off and worry the whole time?
As I read what I’m writing, I can see how this is not ideal but honestly I don’t know what is best to do. I just want my son to have his dad in his life and I want him to be safe. I’ll suck it up and do whatever I have to at least until he’s old enough to understand.

trailmix

Nahan, please don't be so hard on yourself.

I'm reading two different things here. You say:

Which means you want him back if he gets his act together. Then you say:

These are two entirely different things.

Now, I don't bring this up to make you feel bad. I just think (and this is just my opinion) that when you go in to something like this, it is so very important to have your eyes wide open. You don't want to be making excuses, for example, if he is treating you badly that oh, he needs to see his Son, when you are just hoping he will get "better" somewhere down the line and you can get back together.

Do you know what I mean? You don't ever want to be making excuses for someone else treating you badly.

Yes, supervised visitation is the only way right now because he is not in recovery, your child should really never be left alone with him - always remember, actions, not words. Please be cautious, I would hate to see you hurt by him again. Maybe just keep your guard up for a while.

dandylion

NadAn.......There are ways to co-parent while not living as a romantic couple. There is a difference between being a "family" and being a healthy and nourishing family for a child to thrive in.
Divorced couples do the co-parenting thing, all of the time.
Of course, I think that this means that you will, seriously, need to consult with a lawyer that is experienced in family law for situations, such as this. You can call the local domestic violence organization for a referral to an experienced lawyer, a s they deal with this kind of situation, all of the time.

I really hope that hanging out as a family does not mean intimate time, also---as I think that will just add much more to your frustrations, as time goes on. Having his son in his life doesn't necessarily include the Horizonal Tango...lol

From my experience with alcoholics, if he is not getting help from a program of sobriety---and, is committed to live by the program as his top priority---for the rest of his life---his chances of liven a sober life stands about as much chance as a snowball in the Sahara Desert .

I am giving you the following link to an article that I think will be helpful for you, just now. I think it is a pretty good yardstick for knowing where the alcoholic's head is at.

dandylion

I am sorry----I can't get the copy/paste function to work.

Please go to the bottom of the website---to the big black bar called "Archives"----click on it and scroll to the bottom---to the article titled "How to know when an alcoholic is full of crap".

NahAn

Trailmix, I’m not planning on being intimate with him. The reason I mostly want to try and be a family again is because in my state the law is going to fight for 50/50 custody. They do everything to keep it that way. I know that from people who had proof their children’s dad was on drugs. A friend of mine had to drop off her young child with an addict and couldn’t do anything about it. I don’t want to do that.
Knowing how difficult this break up was, I am terrified it will happen again. Maybe I’ll figure it out as we go and maybe I collect more evidence in the meantime that would give me better chances for sole custody. Even a sobriety test before I would drop off the kid would not stop him from drinking while he’s watching him.
I was going to suggest to him the treatment possibilities and see what he says. Although deep down I know that he should be the one thinking of it. He just seems so sure he will never drink again because he realized what he lost. I know that he will fail again, but I figure if he still lives alone and I’m with the child, I have less to worry about.
I know I need to go see a lawyer but I know I don’t have enough proof yet.
—I can’t seem to find the link in the archives

SparkleKitty

Maybe slow down just a bit, NahAn, and see where this newfound declaration of interest in his child actually leads. Next week you could be dealing with an entirely new set of given circumstances. Try to not future trip based on how he says he feels today, and just keep doing the next right thing for you and your child. Let him worry about himself.

trailmix

I think this is the link to the article Dandylion mentioned:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...full-crap.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of Crap)

dandylion

Trailmix.......Thanks!

NahAn

Oh my that was a good and long post. Thank you!!
I suggested he get professional help and he said he will... so that was one of the things the article said. If he is open to getting help then that’s a good sign.
I just don’t have any trust that he will succeed. Even if he were to stay sober for a while, what if he does it again in a year or five or ten? I’m still going to be broken. I’m exhausted from crying and trying to help. Sadly, deep down I think it’s all pointless and he can’t be helped... of course I won’t tell him since he needs my support, but it’s killing me. I want to do the right thing but I don’t want to go through another break up down the line

trailmix

And you don't ever have to. There is no law that says you have to be in a relationship with him.

The part above means nothing until he actually gets help. His intentions may be good but actions, not words.

FallenAngelina

Actually, your support is the last thing he needs. Really. The only truly helpful support for him can come from fellow alcoholics and maybe a professional or two. Support coming from co-struggling loved ones is not only detrimental to an alcoholic, it is poison for the one trying to help. No, he does not need your support - at all. This false premise, encouraged by many well meaning loved ones, is imperative to know and to understand.

SparkleKitty

The only “right thing” you need to do right now is take care of yourself and your child. He is perfectly capable of seeing to himself. Don’t worry about “supporting” him. You have every right to wait for him to show you whether his actions will back up his words.

You have no control over whether he drinks or not, whether he seeks recovery or not, or whether his recovery takes or not. That is entirely on him.

dandylion

NahAn........this might sound rather blunt, and I am sorry for that, but, I don't know any other way to soften it for you.
You have no guarantee of anything, when it comes to him and his sobriety.
Listen to your self and honor yourself. If you can't bear the thought of living the rest of your life, waiting for the other shoe to drop----then don't. Sone people seem willing to do that, and, others just simply aren't willing/able to do that. You have every right to choose what you want for your life and your child.
I have seen some alcoholilcs who were sober for years---5-10-15-20 plus years, relapse. And, not in a small way, either. Alcoholism seems to be progressive--even when in remission---meaning that with relapse it is really bad, when it happens.
The only safe way to avoid living with a relapse with him, is to end the romantic aspects of a relationship with him.
You seem to want very badly to co-parent with him....so, that means having a certain amount of contact with him---at least, some minimal contact or communication, around the issues of the child.

Another caveat, here, to be considered....Many men (my first husband-the father of my own three children, included) make a big deal that they want to see the children, at First. However, over time, that desire seems to dwindle. They find out that children are inconvenient and that they can put a damper on their own plans and their drinking time, etc. So--they see the children less and less and less.
For some, the burning desire to see the children can hide a hidden agenda to get back with the mother and get back under the wing of the mother for their own, often selfish reasons.
This is not uncommon with alcoholis/addicted parents---by my observation, it is more common than not.

My main point is that YOU have the right to decide what you want in your life and what you don't----without guilt and a false sense of responsibility to anyone else.
The bottom line is that you get to choose what YOU want----and you will get the consequences of your decisions-just like all of us do.

sevenofnine

Thanks trailmix and dandelion

I really connected with the part that said "Toxic love - Security, comfort in sameness; intensity of need seen as proof of love (may really be fear, insecurity, loneliness)"
I very much have (had? I hope) this problem, and it really played into the addiction relationship dynamic for me

J109

this helped me! 🙏

J109

I needed this too. ❤️

I love these forums they help so much.



I hope each day gets easier for you!