Making amends
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 86
Making amends
I am the alcoholic mother in my family. I have three kids ages 18,16, and 9. I am currently working on my 9th step with my sponsor. How do I even begin to right all the harms that I have caused to my children because of my alcoholism? They love the sober me and are gravitating towards me more and more, especially my 18 year old daughter.
The guilt and shame of what I put them through with my drunken rages, lying about my drinking, and just the roller coaster I put them on not on a daily basis, but at least once or twice a month is sometimes so overwhelming. I just need some ways that I can show them how sorry I am, words and saying “I’m sorry” are meaningless to them because rightly so, they do not fully trust me. Thank you.
The guilt and shame of what I put them through with my drunken rages, lying about my drinking, and just the roller coaster I put them on not on a daily basis, but at least once or twice a month is sometimes so overwhelming. I just need some ways that I can show them how sorry I am, words and saying “I’m sorry” are meaningless to them because rightly so, they do not fully trust me. Thank you.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
They love the sober me and are gravitating towards me more and more,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 2,576
I was taught that if I just kept doing the next right thing, and got some solid sober time my daughter would come around. They were right. We are very close today.
It took a lot of showing up when I said that I would, and I also had to let her open up about some of the things I did while I was drunk. I wasn't very nice at times, and a lot of it I didn't remember. It was pretty awful to hear, but I vowed to never make her feel scared, embarrassed mad etc..again due to my drunken behavior, and I haven't.
Time takes time. Show them in your actions. In time they may not remember "drunk mom" anymore.
It took a lot of showing up when I said that I would, and I also had to let her open up about some of the things I did while I was drunk. I wasn't very nice at times, and a lot of it I didn't remember. It was pretty awful to hear, but I vowed to never make her feel scared, embarrassed mad etc..again due to my drunken behavior, and I haven't.
Time takes time. Show them in your actions. In time they may not remember "drunk mom" anymore.
Living in the moment
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 167
It may be any of a number of ways, including prayer there will be clarity somehow on how to proceed. Asking in prayer for clarity works for me. 
Perhaps it may be words written down several times, added to and bravely reading them, allowing this to be done imperfectly and knowing it can be done again in the future both by living the amends (continued recovery) and another written/read amends.
Perhaps it may be words written down several times, added to and bravely reading them, allowing this to be done imperfectly and knowing it can be done again in the future both by living the amends (continued recovery) and another written/read amends.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Thank you for having the courage and humility to ask.
For me it was all about my ACTIONS. To make my daily living amends, it was about me acting right. Consistently. Being stable.
People gradually began to trust me again. It took a long time. I now have a very good relationship with people I thought I had driven away through my bad behaviours.
For me it was all about my ACTIONS. To make my daily living amends, it was about me acting right. Consistently. Being stable.
People gradually began to trust me again. It took a long time. I now have a very good relationship with people I thought I had driven away through my bad behaviours.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
Just keep working your recovery, and stay sober no matter what. That's called "living amends" and it means far more than words of apology or regret.
I grew up with a divorced mother who was a mean drunk, said horrible things and acted crazy on a binge, and then many years later I did the same thing to my spouse when I developed my own alcoholism. Because of this, I am what is known as a "double winner", so I have duel perspective on this issue.
In my view, I don't think it is possible "to right all the harms" because although I would certainly feel better (and far less guilty) if I could do that with my spouse, I know that what my mother did cannot be undone in my own situation. The pain needs to be acknowledged, and that takes time and patience and a very thick skin. All of this isn't an alcoholics strong suit. We are typically defensive, easily upset in early recovery, and rarely defer gratification. That's why we drank, after all. . .
We drinkers get sober and we want absolution right away (like everything else) so we don't have to feel so bad about what we did. But the years of damage, hurt and pain do not magically disappear just because we put down the bottle. Kids lived through things we don't recall because of blackout, or passing out, and they have seen the pattern of the parent saying they have quit for good only see multiple relapses.
I wanted so much to believe my mom quit for good like she promised after she finally went to rehab, but like every other "quit" she ever had, it was short-lived and the addiction progressed and she was worse than ever. That's why staying sober and being reliable as sober even if you are having to deal with really tough things like your kids pain and hurt is so critical. You have to build credibility no matter what happens to trigger a relapse. So that's the difficult news.
The really good news, and what you are hoping to hear is that even if you can't undo the past, it doesn't mean that your kids won't forgive you, and you absolutely can build a wonderful relationship with them as a sober parent. You can, and it sounds like that is already starting to happen. But keep always in the forefront of your mind that sobriety is not just not drinking: The magic of turning sobriety into recovery requires doing the hard daily grind of self-work to deal with and resolve the underlying issues which led to your drinking and anger / fear issues in the first place. That's where the rubber hits the road, and that seems to be where the healing and making whole of the family can finally take place.
You're on your way, and I wish you and your family a speedy journey into love and a happy life. Keep posting, especially when the tough talks happen or you are tempted to drink to avoid the "growing pains" which are pretty common as you and your family grow in recovery.
P.S.
Do you kids have any counseling or Al-Anon involvement at this stage? That might be a good idea so they can get some of the more difficult stuff out and process it with a neutral person.
I grew up with a divorced mother who was a mean drunk, said horrible things and acted crazy on a binge, and then many years later I did the same thing to my spouse when I developed my own alcoholism. Because of this, I am what is known as a "double winner", so I have duel perspective on this issue.
In my view, I don't think it is possible "to right all the harms" because although I would certainly feel better (and far less guilty) if I could do that with my spouse, I know that what my mother did cannot be undone in my own situation. The pain needs to be acknowledged, and that takes time and patience and a very thick skin. All of this isn't an alcoholics strong suit. We are typically defensive, easily upset in early recovery, and rarely defer gratification. That's why we drank, after all. . .
We drinkers get sober and we want absolution right away (like everything else) so we don't have to feel so bad about what we did. But the years of damage, hurt and pain do not magically disappear just because we put down the bottle. Kids lived through things we don't recall because of blackout, or passing out, and they have seen the pattern of the parent saying they have quit for good only see multiple relapses.
I wanted so much to believe my mom quit for good like she promised after she finally went to rehab, but like every other "quit" she ever had, it was short-lived and the addiction progressed and she was worse than ever. That's why staying sober and being reliable as sober even if you are having to deal with really tough things like your kids pain and hurt is so critical. You have to build credibility no matter what happens to trigger a relapse. So that's the difficult news.
The really good news, and what you are hoping to hear is that even if you can't undo the past, it doesn't mean that your kids won't forgive you, and you absolutely can build a wonderful relationship with them as a sober parent. You can, and it sounds like that is already starting to happen. But keep always in the forefront of your mind that sobriety is not just not drinking: The magic of turning sobriety into recovery requires doing the hard daily grind of self-work to deal with and resolve the underlying issues which led to your drinking and anger / fear issues in the first place. That's where the rubber hits the road, and that seems to be where the healing and making whole of the family can finally take place.
You're on your way, and I wish you and your family a speedy journey into love and a happy life. Keep posting, especially when the tough talks happen or you are tempted to drink to avoid the "growing pains" which are pretty common as you and your family grow in recovery.
P.S.
Do you kids have any counseling or Al-Anon involvement at this stage? That might be a good idea so they can get some of the more difficult stuff out and process it with a neutral person.
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