Need some support please😞 ABF said he’s leaving me

Old 01-24-2021, 08:24 AM
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Need some support please😞 ABF said he’s leaving me

So I posted another thread about my story. My ABF went from moving us to a new house and things seemed to be great to fast forward not even two months and he said he is done. Like he literally woke up overnight and decided he wasn’t happy.
For the last two weeks after he went off on me and said the most cruel horrible things, he clammed up and has been giving me the silent treatment. Won’t reply to my texts and when he comes home from work acts like I’m not here. Plays with our 18 mo old little boy but totally ignores me. He goes to work on Sat and doesn’t come home till Sunday afternoon. Last night I texted him Bc I was having a very weak moment and was so sad. I told him he was hurting me in ways I never thought he would but I still love him. He texted back and said he was done and for me figure out what I was going to do.
I have no job Bc he didn’t want me to work and we have one car. He moved us to this house and We had all these plans for the future and now this!?
i know he’s talking to other women and doing who knows what else. It’s like he’s Jekyl and Hyde. When I met him he was single and doing his thing but he told me I was the “one” and that I turned his life around and having our son changed him. Or so he said. And now this. He said he was “bored” with our life and not attracted to me anymore and horrible things😞
I know this is his problem because he’s an alcoholic and has major issues but this still hurts so bad. And I can’t help but think what did I do wrong....
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Old 01-24-2021, 08:36 AM
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This isn’t just about drinking, do you think? You mentioned other women in you last post as well.

I think you need to contact you local women’s center for advice, resources to find out your rights, and see about legal services for free or at reduced cost. It is confidential and they will advocate for you.

Taking action will be more comforting and useful then worry and waiting to hear from him. Also, do you have family or friends to call for support / help? Isolation is not good in this situation as he has taken power by removing you from employment and your previous home.

You can’t make him come back—and he doesn’t sound like he deserves you—but you can legally get support for your kids. You need to be strong for them even though you are understandably hurting a lot right now.
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Old 01-24-2021, 08:49 AM
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My experience as an alcoholic strongly suggests that the only healthy support I can provide here is to suggest you go to Al-Anon. I assume you're familiar with Al-Anon, but just in case you're not -- you can find meetings via Googling "Al-Anon Meetings".
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Old 01-24-2021, 08:56 AM
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 View Post
This isn’t just about drinking, do you think? You mentioned other women in you last post as well.

I think you need to contact you local women’s center for advice, resources to find out your rights, and see about legal services for free or at reduced cost. It is confidential and they will advocate for you.

Taking action will be more comforting and useful then worry and waiting to hear from him. Also, do you have family or friends to call for support / help? Isolation is not good in this situation as he has taken power by removing you from employment and your previous home.

You can’t make him come back—and he doesn’t sound like he deserves you—but you can legally get support for your kids. You need to be strong for them even though you are understandably hurting a lot right now.
No alcohol is definitely not the only problem here. He has a pattern of getting in relationships and then bailing when things don’t go his way. He’s what some I guess would call a womanizer but I’ve never seen that side of him till now. We’ve been together almost three years. He has major issues from his mom abandoning him and no present dad. I knew all this. But he told me I was helping him work through his issues and how much he loved me and blah blah blah. And I truly believe he meant all that. Up until two weeks ago he came home every day from work and I have no reason to believe he wasn’t faithful. He told me just a few weeks ago thank you baby for always sticking with me. And how much he loved me. I could understand if we had been fighting etc but things were great or so I thought. That’s what’s made this all so confusing and hard
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Old 01-24-2021, 08:58 AM
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Originally Posted by novips View Post
My experience as an alcoholic strongly suggests that the only healthy support I can provide here is to suggest you go to Al-Anon. I assume you're familiar with Al-Anon, but just in case you're not -- you can find meetings via Googling "Al-Anon Meetings".
ok thank you!!
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Old 01-24-2021, 10:14 AM
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CiTX, I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. I wish it wasn't happening, but it is, and it's very important that you act in your own best interests now, and in the best interests of your child. This means letting go of things he said in the past and focusing on how he is behaving right now. Actions, not words, tell you the truth. I, too, don't understand how someone goes from "I love you" to ignoring you in the space of two weeks, but understanding that is not your biggest concern right now.

Is there somewhere you and your son can go? Family you can stay with while you work out your next steps?
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Old 01-24-2021, 10:28 AM
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty View Post
CiTX, I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. I wish it wasn't happening, but it is, and it's very important that you act in your own best interests now, and in the best interests of your child. This means letting go of things he said in the past and focusing on how he is behaving right now. Actions, not words, tell you the truth. I, too, don't understand how someone goes from "I love you" to ignoring you in the space of two weeks, but understanding that is not your biggest concern right now.

Is there somewhere you and your son can go? Family you can stay with while you work out your next steps?
Not really. My mom passed away last year from leukemia. And my dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer right after we lost her. He’s doing ok but not in the best health and his house is not EVEN CLOSE to being ready for a toddler. He also has two dogs who are older and would probably bite our son just Bc they aren’t used to small kids. I have one friend who has offered for me to come but we would be sleeping on the couch and as I don’t have a car yet I couldn’t even look for a job. My dad is so upset over all this and is helping me best he can. He’s trying to find another vehicle and give me his car. But there’s only so much he can do...I’m on the lease so my boyfriend can’t kick me out and he’s already said he doesn’t want to break the lease. So. That’s where I’m at. It really does seem like a hopeless situation...if we didn’t have a baby I could just up and leave but with him I can’t. He needs stability and he’s still too little to understand what is goin on so he isn’t being subjected to anything. I’m brainstorming every second of every day to try and figure out a plan. This truly is a horrible situation. I know I’m by far not the only one. I guess that makes me feel a little better to read others stories and know I’m not alone...
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Old 01-24-2021, 10:52 AM
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Local women’s shelters deal with this type of thing all of the time. Please call them.
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Old 01-24-2021, 11:37 AM
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Yes, Hawkeye is right, the local women's shelter will not only provide good support, they can help you find out what assistance my be available for you and your son. You may be eligible for some kind of housing and food allowance, but a quick call can let you know all about that.

Now this suggestion may or may not be good, but it's worth thinking about. Since he sprung this on you and he wants out, perhaps he can provide some financial support for you and your son as well. If you ask him to sit down and talk about the housing situation and your plan to leave, he may just do that. Since you are the lease holder and you said he makes decent money, would he be willing to move out and continue to pay the rent for say six months? Something along those lines. Barring that, he may just need to stop being so hostile and understand that you are stuck there for a little while longer. This is all of course if he will talk about it. It would probably be unwise, if he will talk, to bring up anything about the ending of the relationship or the relationship in general - he will probably end the conversation then. I KNOW it will be hard, but think of your Son and yourself and your well being. Perhaps think about it like a business meeting.

He needs to understand that right now you have nowhere to go with your Son and hopefully, maybe, he will do something decent.

But yes, please call the women's shelter as soon as possible, it will help you feel more in charge of what's going on, there is help for you.

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Old 01-24-2021, 01:19 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
Yes, Hawkeye is right, the local women's shelter will not only provide good support, they can help you find out what assistance my be available for you and your son. You may be eligible for some kind of housing and food allowance, but a quick call can let you know all about that.

Now this suggestion may or may not be good, but it's worth thinking about. Since he sprung this on you and he wants out, perhaps he can provide some financial support for you and your son as well. If you ask him to sit down and talk about the housing situation and your plan to leave, he may just do that. Since you are the lease holder and you said he makes decent money, would he be willing to move out and continue to pay the rent for say six months? Something along those lines. Barring that, he may just need to stop being so hostile and understand that you are stuck there for a little while longer. This is all of course if he will talk about it. It would probably be unwise, if he will talk, to bring up anything about the ending of the relationship or the relationship in general - he will probably end the conversation then. I KNOW it will be hard, but think of your Son and yourself and your well being. Perhaps think about it like a business meeting.

He needs to understand that right now you have nowhere to go with your Son and hopefully, maybe, he will do something decent.

But yes, please call the women's shelter as soon as possible, it will help you feel more in charge of what's going on, there is help for you.
I completely agree with you. Basically that’s what I’m going to end up doing is trying to have a grown up civil conversation about what our options are. I know he would never agree to him moving out and still paying rent but he MIGHT agree to me staying here temporarily until I can get on my feet. It would be really hard and it would hurt me but it’s hard and hurting me now and it will be hard and hurt no matter what. And at least that way our little boy can stay in his home and own bed for a little longer till I can get us our own place. My dad is a pastor and ABF really respects him and has always been close to my parents. So my dad is hoping he may can get through to him on my behalf as far as living situation goes....because this IS all in him. He did spring this on me out of nowhere and now he can’t just expect me to up and be able to leave at the drop of a hat.
Thank you for your suggestions!❤️
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Old 01-27-2021, 07:24 AM
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Hi. You posted a couple of days ago but just wanted to send you some support! I'm very new to this forum. I'm very early on into a rocky relationship with an alcoholic who has been sober just over Half a year. I met him after he stopped so I was not in his life when he was drinking. He drank due to extreme back pain and depression. A suicide attempt was his turning point and he's done incredible since. He's working full time. He's not relapsed. But he is a really really complicated, difficult person.

I've learned the hard way. I tried to be there. I was the first women he's spoken to in a romantic way since his ex two years ago. He's able to offer you the world. Id want for nothing. He'd spoil me. He would cook for me. Then his depression gets worse and he honestly becomes a different person. Selfish. Cant see why his behaviour affects others. He expects people to not notice or comment on anything and just get on with it.

He dumped me Monday. Like your partner he said horrible things. It was all about me and what I had done to upset him. He was unkind.

So today we spoke about things after calming down. His phone call was completely mixed messages. He wanted to concentrate on work and he hadn't been due to me. He wants me in his life but he doesn't want any stress. He doesn't want me sending worried messages because they do his head in. He likes being single. He is scared of relationships. But he's annoyed that I have concerns due to young children. He doesn't want to be alone. He just wants to be happy. But he doesn't want controlling. I gave him my blessing to focus on work and focus on himself. But he still said he wanted me without the worrying on my part.

I honestly feel annoyed at his response. This is a 46 year old man. He is like an 18 year old without experience with women.

I'm sorry I've told you my story more than advised. But I totally feel for you. You shouldn't be putting up with this anymore. I told myself yesterday it was time to feel the burn. A few sleepless nights and a miserable feeling inside to get me to happier days is worth it.

It was making me ill. Just like it's making you ill. He sounds truly awful and no respect for women or his child. You both deserve to be adored.

I'm happy to chat to you more if you would like. Take care.
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Old 01-27-2021, 07:34 AM
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Hi. You posted a couple of days ago but just wanted to send you some support! I'm very new to this forum. I'm very early on into a rocky relationship with an alcoholic who has been sober just over Half a year. I met him after he stopped so I was not in his life when he was drinking. He drank due to extreme back pain and depression. A suicide attempt was his turning point and he's done incredible since. He's working full time. He's not relapsed. But he is a really really complicated, difficult person.

I've learned the hard way. I tried to be there. I was the first women he's spoken to in a romantic way since his ex two years ago. He's able to offer you the world. Id want for nothing. He'd spoil me. He would cook for me. Then his depression gets worse and he honestly becomes a different person. Selfish. Cant see why his behaviour affects others. He expects people to not notice or comment on anything and just get on with it.

He dumped me Monday. Like your partner he said horrible things. It was all about me and what I had done to upset him. He was unkind.

So today we spoke about things after calming down. His phone call was completely mixed messages. He wanted to concentrate on work and he hadn't been due to me. He wants me in his life but he doesn't want any stress. He doesn't want me sending worried messages because they do his head in. He likes being single. He is scared of relationships. But he's annoyed that I have concerns due to young children. He doesn't want to be alone. He just wants to be happy. But he doesn't want controlling. I gave him my blessing to focus on work and focus on himself. But he still said he wanted me without the worrying on my part.

I honestly feel annoyed at his response. This is a 46 year old man. He is like an 18 year old without experience with women.

I'm sorry I've told you my story more than advised. But I totally feel for you. You shouldn't be putting up with this anymore. I told myself yesterday it was time to feel the burn. A few sleepless nights and a miserable feeling inside to get me to happier days is worth it.

It was making me ill. Just like it's making you ill. He sounds truly awful and no respect for women or his child. You both deserve to be adored.

I'm happy to chat to you more if you would like. Take care.
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