Guilt and sadness for divorcing my wife is tearing me apart
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Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 7
Guilt and sadness for divorcing my wife is tearing me apart
Hey folks, first time on here so bear with me. I’ve read through some threads and really appreciate the support that all of you offer on here. Could really use some support and “truth” right now. I’ll try to be as brief as possible.
Long story short - married for almost 20 years, 3 kids (6 year old son, daughters 14 and 15). Up and down 20 years due to my wife’s behavior. Back in late 2015, a red flag popped up in my mind in regard to my wife’s drinking. We had always been social drinkers - nothing extreme, the occasional big “over served”night, etc. one night on a trip with friends I realized my wife had downed two bottles of vodka from the mini bar in the middle of the night at 3am - not airplane size, but one size bigger. She claimed it was hair of the dog - but that isn’t hair of the dog. For the next 3 years it slowly got worse. Erratic behavior, lashing out at me and the kids, irrational. We had numerous talks about it as it got worse - she would generally just blow up at me when I would gently bring it up.
Her drinking and behavior took a nosedive in 2018. The kids were the target a lot of the time - I was always the target regardless. 2019 was worse. Finally, after a year of firm discussions where I said that she absolutely needs to get help, I found her one day asleep in a chair and realized she drank 3 bottles of wild turkey (I didn’t realize it at the time - I would have called 911. I realized it the next day.). I drew the line in the sand and said she either had to immediately go to treatment or live elsewhere. She fought me for two days from a hotel and finally caved - went to 30 day treatment center the following day.
once she came home in early February, she lasted about 40 days and slipped up. No big deal I said. It’s about what you do tomorrow, the next day, etc. well, about a week later she started drinking full time again and has been drinking since - so about 10 months. I never actually see her drink - she hides it. I don’t look for the bottles anymore but I find them everywhere - car, closets, toy boxes. She denies it still. Even if I never found another bottle, it is painfully obvious when she has anything to drink. Her gait, her slurs, her anger, her picking fights. My two oldest kids notice it as well. The behavior is toxic. She manipulates, blames, lies. She’s been manipulating our 6 year old son for months and he now has severe anxiety unless he’s with me. He does not want to leave my side.
I told her probably 10 times - “if the drinking and behavior continue, I will leave with the kids. It is our job as parents to put them in the best environment and remove them from a negative one - and I can’t deal with it either. It’s miserable.”
Two weeks ago I took the kids to a hotel for a night due to four days of toxic behavior with the grand finale of her being passed out in her car at 3pm. We left. When she found out she went ballistic. Told me she was divorcing me and did not want to be married to me. So - the next day I went and filed for divorce. It’s been two weeks and she is still regularly drinking and passing out in a chair.
My biggest question or the thing that I’m struggling with - how do you get over the guilt??? I’ve never felt this low in my life. I see a broken human being and it literally crushes my soul. I also worry about my kids once we tell them, especially the 6 year old. The crazy thing is - the rational side of my brain knows I did everything I could to help - and then I realized I couldn’t fix it. I gave her every opportunity to fix it - and she wouldn’t. I also know that my kids - who I have a GREAT relationship with (I’ve really been the only parent to them for the last 4 years - my wife does not have a healthy - or even a decent- relationship with any of them) will be sad, yes, but also may feel a sense of relief, because the tension in our house is unbearable. When she’s home, the older ones are in their rooms with the door shut. When she’s gone, everyone is loose and content.
So again - how do I handle or manage this awful feeling of guilt, sadness, questioning that is literally destroying me? My anxiety is through the roof. I see a therapist regularly already but I honestly don’t know if I can make it through this. Any advice or guidance is appreciated so, so much.
Sorry - that definitely wasn’t brief. I’ll work on that.
Thanks folks. I appreciate everyone on here, and I’m sorry for anyone having to go through similar circumstance.
Long story short - married for almost 20 years, 3 kids (6 year old son, daughters 14 and 15). Up and down 20 years due to my wife’s behavior. Back in late 2015, a red flag popped up in my mind in regard to my wife’s drinking. We had always been social drinkers - nothing extreme, the occasional big “over served”night, etc. one night on a trip with friends I realized my wife had downed two bottles of vodka from the mini bar in the middle of the night at 3am - not airplane size, but one size bigger. She claimed it was hair of the dog - but that isn’t hair of the dog. For the next 3 years it slowly got worse. Erratic behavior, lashing out at me and the kids, irrational. We had numerous talks about it as it got worse - she would generally just blow up at me when I would gently bring it up.
Her drinking and behavior took a nosedive in 2018. The kids were the target a lot of the time - I was always the target regardless. 2019 was worse. Finally, after a year of firm discussions where I said that she absolutely needs to get help, I found her one day asleep in a chair and realized she drank 3 bottles of wild turkey (I didn’t realize it at the time - I would have called 911. I realized it the next day.). I drew the line in the sand and said she either had to immediately go to treatment or live elsewhere. She fought me for two days from a hotel and finally caved - went to 30 day treatment center the following day.
once she came home in early February, she lasted about 40 days and slipped up. No big deal I said. It’s about what you do tomorrow, the next day, etc. well, about a week later she started drinking full time again and has been drinking since - so about 10 months. I never actually see her drink - she hides it. I don’t look for the bottles anymore but I find them everywhere - car, closets, toy boxes. She denies it still. Even if I never found another bottle, it is painfully obvious when she has anything to drink. Her gait, her slurs, her anger, her picking fights. My two oldest kids notice it as well. The behavior is toxic. She manipulates, blames, lies. She’s been manipulating our 6 year old son for months and he now has severe anxiety unless he’s with me. He does not want to leave my side.
I told her probably 10 times - “if the drinking and behavior continue, I will leave with the kids. It is our job as parents to put them in the best environment and remove them from a negative one - and I can’t deal with it either. It’s miserable.”
Two weeks ago I took the kids to a hotel for a night due to four days of toxic behavior with the grand finale of her being passed out in her car at 3pm. We left. When she found out she went ballistic. Told me she was divorcing me and did not want to be married to me. So - the next day I went and filed for divorce. It’s been two weeks and she is still regularly drinking and passing out in a chair.
My biggest question or the thing that I’m struggling with - how do you get over the guilt??? I’ve never felt this low in my life. I see a broken human being and it literally crushes my soul. I also worry about my kids once we tell them, especially the 6 year old. The crazy thing is - the rational side of my brain knows I did everything I could to help - and then I realized I couldn’t fix it. I gave her every opportunity to fix it - and she wouldn’t. I also know that my kids - who I have a GREAT relationship with (I’ve really been the only parent to them for the last 4 years - my wife does not have a healthy - or even a decent- relationship with any of them) will be sad, yes, but also may feel a sense of relief, because the tension in our house is unbearable. When she’s home, the older ones are in their rooms with the door shut. When she’s gone, everyone is loose and content.
So again - how do I handle or manage this awful feeling of guilt, sadness, questioning that is literally destroying me? My anxiety is through the roof. I see a therapist regularly already but I honestly don’t know if I can make it through this. Any advice or guidance is appreciated so, so much.
Sorry - that definitely wasn’t brief. I’ll work on that.
Thanks folks. I appreciate everyone on here, and I’m sorry for anyone having to go through similar circumstance.
Last edited by Strugglingintx; 01-22-2021 at 05:39 PM. Reason: Adding tags if possible
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
Strugglingintx, I am sorry for what brings you here, but I m glad you are here. What you did was in the best interest of your kids, without a doubt, and while painful that is what good parent does. Sometimes doing what is right hurts, but in the long run it pays dividends in life lessons for all concerned. Do not second guess yourself and do not beat yourself up with guilt. You did right!
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Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,337
Any loss, although it is a good choice, is seen as a loss by humans.
meth addicts miss meth, etc.
this is human
kudos to you for trying to help, and then for realizing you cannot help, and must protect yourself and your children. You are being the adult and making choices that your children need, and they cannot leave this terrible situation without your help.
your wife will get “it” or not.
blessings and prayers.
meth addicts miss meth, etc.
this is human
kudos to you for trying to help, and then for realizing you cannot help, and must protect yourself and your children. You are being the adult and making choices that your children need, and they cannot leave this terrible situation without your help.
your wife will get “it” or not.
blessings and prayers.
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 223
I think the guilt is sometimes and extension of that feeling that you are supposed to center everything on the alcoholic (according to the alcoholics behavior). I felt similarly when I left my AXH- it was unquestionably the best call for me and the kid but I felt so awful for doing it.
Just keep listening to your rational brain. Acknowledge your feelings, but don’t let them drive you to a self destructive choice for you and a return to chaos and harm for your kids. It feeling awful doesn’t mean it was wrong, just that it’s a big deal emotionally. You WILL feel better. Focus on the brave and necessary thing you did for your kids, and the guilt will ease over time I bet when you see the positive impact for them.
Just keep listening to your rational brain. Acknowledge your feelings, but don’t let them drive you to a self destructive choice for you and a return to chaos and harm for your kids. It feeling awful doesn’t mean it was wrong, just that it’s a big deal emotionally. You WILL feel better. Focus on the brave and necessary thing you did for your kids, and the guilt will ease over time I bet when you see the positive impact for them.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,999
Welcome Strugg, I'm so so glad you found us. I hope you do find some support here.
Leaving my qualifier (addict boyfriend) is, decades later, still the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. The pain was so bad I felt like I should almost glow in the dark. I so do not judge people who stay in toxic relationships as it is just so dang tough.
You are absolutely doing the right thing. You may well be saving the lives of yourself and your children.
Please please take care of yourself: Therapy, Alanon, eat well, go easy on yourself. These next few months and maybe longer will be rough. Post here all you want. We are here for exactly this kind of thing.
Leaving my qualifier (addict boyfriend) is, decades later, still the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. The pain was so bad I felt like I should almost glow in the dark. I so do not judge people who stay in toxic relationships as it is just so dang tough.
You are absolutely doing the right thing. You may well be saving the lives of yourself and your children.
Please please take care of yourself: Therapy, Alanon, eat well, go easy on yourself. These next few months and maybe longer will be rough. Post here all you want. We are here for exactly this kind of thing.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 2,583
Wow, I felt compelled to reply after reading your post. This is the truly heartbreaking and devastating reality of active alcoholism and why it is also known as a family illness. The alcoholic is like a tornado, roaring through and tearing up everyone's lives.
I am writing to you from the alcoholic's experience. I am an alcoholic, who by the Grace of God has found recovery and not had to pick up a drink for 2 years and 9 months one day at a time.
Without a shadow of a doubt you have done the right thing. For your own sanity but more importantly for your children's sanity and their well being. They have to come first and as their parent you have a duty to them and thank God they do have you. A sober, present parent to give them love and security. However, you know that what you are doing is right, but how to let go of the guilt?
When I was actively drinking I was vile. Angry. Would lash out at anyone who would try to stop me drinking or would try to help me. My attitude was how bloody dare you!!! Nothing came between me and my drinking. I have a daughter and she was 3 when her dad and I split up. Partly because of my drinking but there was other stuff too. My drinking over the next 2 years got steadily worse and I don't think he even knew the true extent of it. When he would voice concern for our daughter I would lash out! Of course I would!! That's what active alcoholism does. I was the victim in my eyes and my daughter was fine, in my eyes. I found recovery just before my daughters 6th birthday. It was the best birthday present I ever gave her. Without the booze in me and following the 12 step programme of AA I was able to see all the harms I had caused him and the dangerous situations I put my daughter in. Without even having met your wife I can tell you that the real her, the mother in her that is not ravaged by alcohol would want her children safe and would know and be grateful for what you are doing for them. I told my ex if I ever pick up a drink again he has my daughter. It's as simple as that. She won't be safe with me.
Now about your wife. You are absolutely powerless over her addiction. You gave her an ultimatum and she did go to rehab but if she was only going to appease you then it is probably no wonder she relapsed. The desire to recover has to come from the alcoholic themselves. You can beg, plead but as it says in the Big Book of AA , frothy emotional appeal seldom worked. I had to be really badly mangled to be able to throw in the towel and ask for help. Alcohol was just so powerful it was my master and was in complete control of me. I would, as has already been suggested, also suggest Al Anon. There are so many meetings on line now. You will meet others in the same situation as you and hear their experience, strength and hope. You will learn how you didn't cause it , you can't control it and you certainly can't cure it The programme will teach you how to let go of your guilt and to find peace and serenity.
In the meantime , pray for her. Pray that she will be guided to recovery. Pray that she makes it to recovery. Who knows, maybe this might be the rock bottom she needs to begin her journey. Every time you feel guilt pray for her and give yourself permission to let the feeling go knowing you did everything in your power to get her help and to keep your children safe.
I will pray too for her.
Gold Bless. You sound like an amazing husband and father.
♥️🙏
I am writing to you from the alcoholic's experience. I am an alcoholic, who by the Grace of God has found recovery and not had to pick up a drink for 2 years and 9 months one day at a time.
Without a shadow of a doubt you have done the right thing. For your own sanity but more importantly for your children's sanity and their well being. They have to come first and as their parent you have a duty to them and thank God they do have you. A sober, present parent to give them love and security. However, you know that what you are doing is right, but how to let go of the guilt?
When I was actively drinking I was vile. Angry. Would lash out at anyone who would try to stop me drinking or would try to help me. My attitude was how bloody dare you!!! Nothing came between me and my drinking. I have a daughter and she was 3 when her dad and I split up. Partly because of my drinking but there was other stuff too. My drinking over the next 2 years got steadily worse and I don't think he even knew the true extent of it. When he would voice concern for our daughter I would lash out! Of course I would!! That's what active alcoholism does. I was the victim in my eyes and my daughter was fine, in my eyes. I found recovery just before my daughters 6th birthday. It was the best birthday present I ever gave her. Without the booze in me and following the 12 step programme of AA I was able to see all the harms I had caused him and the dangerous situations I put my daughter in. Without even having met your wife I can tell you that the real her, the mother in her that is not ravaged by alcohol would want her children safe and would know and be grateful for what you are doing for them. I told my ex if I ever pick up a drink again he has my daughter. It's as simple as that. She won't be safe with me.
Now about your wife. You are absolutely powerless over her addiction. You gave her an ultimatum and she did go to rehab but if she was only going to appease you then it is probably no wonder she relapsed. The desire to recover has to come from the alcoholic themselves. You can beg, plead but as it says in the Big Book of AA , frothy emotional appeal seldom worked. I had to be really badly mangled to be able to throw in the towel and ask for help. Alcohol was just so powerful it was my master and was in complete control of me. I would, as has already been suggested, also suggest Al Anon. There are so many meetings on line now. You will meet others in the same situation as you and hear their experience, strength and hope. You will learn how you didn't cause it , you can't control it and you certainly can't cure it The programme will teach you how to let go of your guilt and to find peace and serenity.
In the meantime , pray for her. Pray that she will be guided to recovery. Pray that she makes it to recovery. Who knows, maybe this might be the rock bottom she needs to begin her journey. Every time you feel guilt pray for her and give yourself permission to let the feeling go knowing you did everything in your power to get her help and to keep your children safe.
I will pray too for her.
Gold Bless. You sound like an amazing husband and father.
♥️🙏
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
hi Struggling. Well, it sounds like you have a kind of false guilt. What do we or should we feel guilty about? I think it is, of course, when we do something wrong. Then, hopefully, we are able to make it better by talking to the person or whatever it takes as the case may be.
So let's look at what you have actually done. As a parent, our first priority has to be our children and their wellbeing. They have no other recourse. If someone in the house makes them miserable, anxious, unhappy, what are they supposed to do about it, nothing really, except bring it to their parents and hope they will act in their best interest. Or in the case of the children of alcoholics, they don't get a lot of options and to them, in general, this is normal, so what is to be done anyway?
I'm speaking as a person who grew up with an alcoholic Father and I'm sure it wasn't the worse household (I know this) especially as I had a really caring and very sober Mother, but it never occurred to me to complain about how much the dysfunction bothered me because it was our normal.
So what's to be done about that guilt? Recognize it for what it is. No, you probably don't hate your wife and in fact you were probably in love when you got married and planned a nice life together, which you may have had for a while, so of course there is guilt there. But the truth is you didn't actually do anything wrong, you did the right thing and in fact the only thing you could do to protect your children (and yourself of course, you are important too).
Just know that you won't always feel this way, these feelings will pass. What might help is reading information on ACOAs (adult children of alcoholics) to see the damage that can be done.
Attending Al Anon meetings might help. Learning as much as you can about alcoholism (for you, not her). Remember, things can change, I wouldn't be waiting on that, but later on you might even have a good relationship, even as friends and she may not know it now but you are actually doing her a favour. With visitation taking place only when she is sober (you may want to include that in your custody agreement - sobriety testing via sober link as an example) - they will get to see the best of her and can perhaps have a better relationship with her.
In the meantime, please take good care of yourself, eat well, sleep when you can and get out for walks etc if you can. Force yourself to do these things if need be, focus on yourself and your children, all these things will make you feel better.
So let's look at what you have actually done. As a parent, our first priority has to be our children and their wellbeing. They have no other recourse. If someone in the house makes them miserable, anxious, unhappy, what are they supposed to do about it, nothing really, except bring it to their parents and hope they will act in their best interest. Or in the case of the children of alcoholics, they don't get a lot of options and to them, in general, this is normal, so what is to be done anyway?
I'm speaking as a person who grew up with an alcoholic Father and I'm sure it wasn't the worse household (I know this) especially as I had a really caring and very sober Mother, but it never occurred to me to complain about how much the dysfunction bothered me because it was our normal.
So what's to be done about that guilt? Recognize it for what it is. No, you probably don't hate your wife and in fact you were probably in love when you got married and planned a nice life together, which you may have had for a while, so of course there is guilt there. But the truth is you didn't actually do anything wrong, you did the right thing and in fact the only thing you could do to protect your children (and yourself of course, you are important too).
Just know that you won't always feel this way, these feelings will pass. What might help is reading information on ACOAs (adult children of alcoholics) to see the damage that can be done.
Attending Al Anon meetings might help. Learning as much as you can about alcoholism (for you, not her). Remember, things can change, I wouldn't be waiting on that, but later on you might even have a good relationship, even as friends and she may not know it now but you are actually doing her a favour. With visitation taking place only when she is sober (you may want to include that in your custody agreement - sobriety testing via sober link as an example) - they will get to see the best of her and can perhaps have a better relationship with her.
In the meantime, please take good care of yourself, eat well, sleep when you can and get out for walks etc if you can. Force yourself to do these things if need be, focus on yourself and your children, all these things will make you feel better.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by snitch 
I would, as has already been suggested, also suggest Al Anon. There are so many meetings on line now. You will meet others in the same situation as you and hear their experience, strength and hope. You will learn how you didn't cause it , you can't control it and you certainly can't cure it The programme will teach you how to let go of your guilt and to find peace and serenity.
Alcoholism is a family illness and the most positive outcomes spring from family involvement, whether the alcoholic is drinking or not. AlAnon is for anyone who has a problem drinker in their life. Most meetings are happening on Zoom right now, so there are many options including a lot of beginner meetings. Feel free to PM me if you'd like some help finding Zoom meetings in your area.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Welcome Struggling, sorry for what brings you here but glad you found us.
Are you still in the same house with AW? Sorry if I missed something.
Living with an active alcoholic is very anxiety and guilt producing so I hope
you have been able to separate. It is what would be best for you & the kids.
If love could save the addicts we love, this board wouldn't be here, and there
would be no issues with addiction of any kind. But we are powerless over
them, we can't control, we can't cure, and we can't cause it or recovery.
Place your children's wellbeing at the forefront of all your decisions right now.
They need a safe home, a place where they feel secure, safe and not
waiting for the alcoholic rages. They have suffered much, as have you.
Although we wish our love could cure them and make everything better,
it will not. Action is needed here, to protect you and your children from
the very real and frequently life long emotional trauma of living with
an active alcoholic.
Keep posting and know you are doing the right thing. Is your therapist
addiction educated? This training is invaluable to help you through this.
Please get into alanon asap and when you are able, you may need to
try different meetings to find one that is most helpful to your situation
now. Your kids may be old enough for alateen. Most people who
arent familiar with the depths of addiction/alcoholism will not
understand this, so save yourself from unecessary guilt and speak only
with those who understand.
Are you still in the same house with AW? Sorry if I missed something.
Living with an active alcoholic is very anxiety and guilt producing so I hope
you have been able to separate. It is what would be best for you & the kids.
If love could save the addicts we love, this board wouldn't be here, and there
would be no issues with addiction of any kind. But we are powerless over
them, we can't control, we can't cure, and we can't cause it or recovery.
Place your children's wellbeing at the forefront of all your decisions right now.
They need a safe home, a place where they feel secure, safe and not
waiting for the alcoholic rages. They have suffered much, as have you.
Although we wish our love could cure them and make everything better,
it will not. Action is needed here, to protect you and your children from
the very real and frequently life long emotional trauma of living with
an active alcoholic.
Keep posting and know you are doing the right thing. Is your therapist
addiction educated? This training is invaluable to help you through this.
Please get into alanon asap and when you are able, you may need to
try different meetings to find one that is most helpful to your situation
now. Your kids may be old enough for alateen. Most people who
arent familiar with the depths of addiction/alcoholism will not
understand this, so save yourself from unecessary guilt and speak only
with those who understand.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by nez
Strugglingintx, I am sorry for what brings you here, but I m glad you are here. What you did was in the best interest of your kids, without a doubt, and while painful that is what good parent does. Sometimes doing what is right hurts, but in the long run it pays dividends in life lessons for all concerned. Do not second guess yourself and do not beat yourself up with guilt. You did right!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by snitch
Wow, I felt compelled to reply after reading your post. This is the truly heartbreaking and devastating reality of active alcoholism and why it is also known as a family illness. The alcoholic is like a tornado, roaring through and tearing up everyone's lives.
I am writing to you from the alcoholic's experience. I am an alcoholic, who by the Grace of God has found recovery and not had to pick up a drink for 2 years and 9 months one day at a time.
Without a shadow of a doubt you have done the right thing. For your own sanity but more importantly for your children's sanity and their well being. They have to come first and as their parent you have a duty to them and thank God they do have you. A sober, present parent to give them love and security. However, you know that what you are doing is right, but how to let go of the guilt?
When I was actively drinking I was vile. Angry. Would lash out at anyone who would try to stop me drinking or would try to help me. My attitude was how bloody dare you!!! Nothing came between me and my drinking. I have a daughter and she was 3 when her dad and I split up. Partly because of my drinking but there was other stuff too. My drinking over the next 2 years got steadily worse and I don't think he even knew the true extent of it. When he would voice concern for our daughter I would lash out! Of course I would!! That's what active alcoholism does. I was the victim in my eyes and my daughter was fine, in my eyes. I found recovery just before my daughters 6th birthday. It was the best birthday present I ever gave her. Without the booze in me and following the 12 step programme of AA I was able to see all the harms I had caused him and the dangerous situations I put my daughter in. Without even having met your wife I can tell you that the real her, the mother in her that is not ravaged by alcohol would want her children safe and would know and be grateful for what you are doing for them. I told my ex if I ever pick up a drink again he has my daughter. It's as simple as that. She won't be safe with me.
Now about your wife. You are absolutely powerless over her addiction. You gave her an ultimatum and she did go to rehab but if she was only going to appease you then it is probably no wonder she relapsed. The desire to recover has to come from the alcoholic themselves. You can beg, plead but as it says in the Big Book of AA , frothy emotional appeal seldom worked. I had to be really badly mangled to be able to throw in the towel and ask for help. Alcohol was just so powerful it was my master and was in complete control of me. I would, as has already been suggested, also suggest Al Anon. There are so many meetings on line now. You will meet others in the same situation as you and hear their experience, strength and hope. You will learn how you didn't cause it , you can't control it and you certainly can't cure it The programme will teach you how to let go of your guilt and to find peace and serenity.
In the meantime , pray for her. Pray that she will be guided to recovery. Pray that she makes it to recovery. Who knows, maybe this might be the rock bottom she needs to begin her journey. Every time you feel guilt pray for her and give yourself permission to let the feeling go knowing you did everything in your power to get her help and to keep your children safe.
I will pray too for her.
Gold Bless. You sound like an amazing husband and father.
♥️🙏
I am writing to you from the alcoholic's experience. I am an alcoholic, who by the Grace of God has found recovery and not had to pick up a drink for 2 years and 9 months one day at a time.
Without a shadow of a doubt you have done the right thing. For your own sanity but more importantly for your children's sanity and their well being. They have to come first and as their parent you have a duty to them and thank God they do have you. A sober, present parent to give them love and security. However, you know that what you are doing is right, but how to let go of the guilt?
When I was actively drinking I was vile. Angry. Would lash out at anyone who would try to stop me drinking or would try to help me. My attitude was how bloody dare you!!! Nothing came between me and my drinking. I have a daughter and she was 3 when her dad and I split up. Partly because of my drinking but there was other stuff too. My drinking over the next 2 years got steadily worse and I don't think he even knew the true extent of it. When he would voice concern for our daughter I would lash out! Of course I would!! That's what active alcoholism does. I was the victim in my eyes and my daughter was fine, in my eyes. I found recovery just before my daughters 6th birthday. It was the best birthday present I ever gave her. Without the booze in me and following the 12 step programme of AA I was able to see all the harms I had caused him and the dangerous situations I put my daughter in. Without even having met your wife I can tell you that the real her, the mother in her that is not ravaged by alcohol would want her children safe and would know and be grateful for what you are doing for them. I told my ex if I ever pick up a drink again he has my daughter. It's as simple as that. She won't be safe with me.
Now about your wife. You are absolutely powerless over her addiction. You gave her an ultimatum and she did go to rehab but if she was only going to appease you then it is probably no wonder she relapsed. The desire to recover has to come from the alcoholic themselves. You can beg, plead but as it says in the Big Book of AA , frothy emotional appeal seldom worked. I had to be really badly mangled to be able to throw in the towel and ask for help. Alcohol was just so powerful it was my master and was in complete control of me. I would, as has already been suggested, also suggest Al Anon. There are so many meetings on line now. You will meet others in the same situation as you and hear their experience, strength and hope. You will learn how you didn't cause it , you can't control it and you certainly can't cure it The programme will teach you how to let go of your guilt and to find peace and serenity.
In the meantime , pray for her. Pray that she will be guided to recovery. Pray that she makes it to recovery. Who knows, maybe this might be the rock bottom she needs to begin her journey. Every time you feel guilt pray for her and give yourself permission to let the feeling go knowing you did everything in your power to get her help and to keep your children safe.
I will pray too for her.
Gold Bless. You sound like an amazing husband and father.
♥️🙏
You have no idea how impactful this reply was. I’m so happy that you were able to turn things around in your life. What you described as your behavior, actions, reactions - they are identical to my wife. I know deep down that this is something I have to do. And long term ideally we would both be two happy, healthy individuals that are equal parents that are involved in their lives.
It’s so frustrating - her brother asked me the other day “why won’t you just agree to 50/50 custody? Why can’t you do that?” The reality is, he - and everyone else in her family, friends, etc - has no idea the extent of this problem. Which I can’t fault them for. Unless you’ve lived with an active alcoholic or been a day-to-day part of their lives, it’s hard to realize the depth of this disease. He literally thinks that she can just say “ok I won’t drink anymore, all good” and it happens. Honestly, even if she COULD do that, I’d still demand full custody for at least a period of time because so much damage has been done within the relationships with the kids and so much trust has been broken, she needs an extended period of time to work on herself, her recovery, and over time win back the trust and respect of the kids.
Anyway, thank you so much for replying. I just need to get through this. The sadness and guilt aren’t going to go away I’m afraid - it’s just something I have to work through I guess. I’ve also started to realize how my “normal” is sooooo far off due to this - I really don’t know what real normal is anymore - so I gotta figure that out as well.
Thank you again.
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Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by Free2bme888
Any loss, although it is a good choice, is seen as a loss by humans.
meth addicts miss meth, etc.
this is human
kudos to you for trying to help, and then for realizing you cannot help, and must protect yourself and your children. You are being the adult and making choices that your children need, and they cannot leave this terrible situation without your help.
your wife will get “it” or not.
blessings and prayers.
meth addicts miss meth, etc.
this is human
kudos to you for trying to help, and then for realizing you cannot help, and must protect yourself and your children. You are being the adult and making choices that your children need, and they cannot leave this terrible situation without your help.
your wife will get “it” or not.
blessings and prayers.
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Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by mylifeismine
Welcome Struggling, sorry for what brings you here but glad you found us.
Are you still in the same house with AW? Sorry if I missed something.
Living with an active alcoholic is very anxiety and guilt producing so I hope
you have been able to separate. It is what would be best for you & the kids.
If love could save the addicts we love, this board wouldn't be here, and there
would be no issues with addiction of any kind. But we are powerless over
them, we can't control, we can't cure, and we can't cause it or recovery.
Place your children's wellbeing at the forefront of all your decisions right now.
They need a safe home, a place where they feel secure, safe and not
waiting for the alcoholic rages. They have suffered much, as have you.
Although we wish our love could cure them and make everything better,
it will not. Action is needed here, to protect you and your children from
the very real and frequently life long emotional trauma of living with
an active alcoholic.
Keep posting and know you are doing the right thing. Is your therapist
addiction educated? This training is invaluable to help you through this.
Please get into alanon asap and when you are able, you may need to
try different meetings to find one that is most helpful to your situation
now. Your kids may be old enough for alateen. Most people who
arent familiar with the depths of addiction/alcoholism will not
understand this, so save yourself from unecessary guilt and speak only
with those who understand.
Are you still in the same house with AW? Sorry if I missed something.
Living with an active alcoholic is very anxiety and guilt producing so I hope
you have been able to separate. It is what would be best for you & the kids.
If love could save the addicts we love, this board wouldn't be here, and there
would be no issues with addiction of any kind. But we are powerless over
them, we can't control, we can't cure, and we can't cause it or recovery.
Place your children's wellbeing at the forefront of all your decisions right now.
They need a safe home, a place where they feel secure, safe and not
waiting for the alcoholic rages. They have suffered much, as have you.
Although we wish our love could cure them and make everything better,
it will not. Action is needed here, to protect you and your children from
the very real and frequently life long emotional trauma of living with
an active alcoholic.
Keep posting and know you are doing the right thing. Is your therapist
addiction educated? This training is invaluable to help you through this.
Please get into alanon asap and when you are able, you may need to
try different meetings to find one that is most helpful to your situation
now. Your kids may be old enough for alateen. Most people who
arent familiar with the depths of addiction/alcoholism will not
understand this, so save yourself from unecessary guilt and speak only
with those who understand.
thanks so much for the reply. Sadly we are all still in the same house, and I can tell you, it is the most tense version of hell I can imagine. Due to a standing court order where I live, you cannot change residence of your kids during the divorce period. She won’t leave the house, and she isn’t agreeable to me leaving with the kids. So we are co-habitating, and it is unbearable. The sadness, guilt, anger - she still doesn’t recognize the fact that she has a problem, so all I hear every day is the “I can’t believe you would do this to me” and “you will have to live with the fact that you broke up our family for the rest of your life”, etc. it’s terrible. But I’m stuck. I’m trying my best to just not engage. She loves confrontation - I don’t. So I’m trying to take things one day at a time. But this is definitely not sustainable.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 200
I’m sorry for what you are going through - I can relate to your story so much. I can only say that I saw the situation as like being in a sinking ship. I had a difficult choice to save myself and my children or go down with the ship. By saving myself and the children then a life jacket can be thrown from a safe distance to the drowning one (the alcoholic) but there’s no guarantee they’ll take it. But the option to save yourself and the children is still a no brainer however sad the final outcome - you can’t escape the sadness of the situation.
The guilt turns to anger. I can also promise you a range of emotion is yet to come. It’s a rough ride but let me tell you - I don’t regret leaving the situation i was in - and I only wish I’d left sooner. You are doing the best thing and I’m so glad your children have you.
The guilt turns to anger. I can also promise you a range of emotion is yet to come. It’s a rough ride but let me tell you - I don’t regret leaving the situation i was in - and I only wish I’d left sooner. You are doing the best thing and I’m so glad your children have you.
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Posts: 2,909
I just hate seeing someone that I’ve been with for 20 years this low.
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Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by dandylion
Strugglingintx......do both of you work from the house? In other words, do either of you leave the house during any part of the day.?
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Struggling.....yeah, I was just thinking of how you can get relief from being under the same roof or in the same space. When I divorced my first husband, we were together for about three months, under the same roof....and, we had three small children. I remember how hard it was, as he was begging me, nonstop, to not divorce him. I knew that my entire future happiness, in life, was hanging in the balance, if I backed out. I knew that I HAD to do what I had to do. Looking bac, even now...it was the right decision and my now adult children agree with me! He has not changed, one molecule, in all of these years, even though he remarried two years after the divorce. It was 6 years before I remarried to a wonderful person.
Fortunately, whilde we were in that 3 month period....we both worked outside of the house...and, I could take the children to daycare and, there was no covid to deal with.
Fortunately, whilde we were in that 3 month period....we both worked outside of the house...and, I could take the children to daycare and, there was no covid to deal with.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by dandylion
Struggling.....yeah, I was just thinking of how you can get relief from being under the same roof or in the same space. When I divorced my first husband, we were together for about three months, under the same roof....and, we had three small children. I remember how hard it was, as he was begging me, nonstop, to not divorce him. I knew that my entire future happiness, in life, was hanging in the balance, if I backed out. I knew that I HAD to do what I had to do. Looking bac, even now...it was the right decision and my now adult children agree with me! He has not changed, one molecule, in all of these years, even though he remarried two years after the divorce. It was 6 years before I remarried to a wonderful person.
Fortunately, whilde we were in that 3 month period....we both worked outside of the house...and, I could take the children to daycare and, there was no covid to deal with.
Fortunately, whilde we were in that 3 month period....we both worked outside of the house...and, I could take the children to daycare and, there was no covid to deal with.
It’s extremely contentious - especially given the fact that last week I realized she had placed a listening device in my vehicle as well as a GPS tracker on my vehicle. To me both of those things spell out desperation and insanity especially after 20 years of marriage. I had to have my vehicle swept professionally so a third party could verify. Both of these are felonies. And now we have to share the same house, and I cannot talk to anyone - anywhere - because I have to assume that she’s listening. The few times I do get to go anywhere my 6 year old is with me because he won’t leave my side. He does not want to be around her. She has an idea that I know about these two things I believe, but I’m not saying a word about them except to my attorney. It’s just insanity.
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