Guilt and sadness for divorcing my wife is tearing me apart
Member
Join Date: Oct 2020
Posts: 143
I didn't grow up with a parent who drank but I grew up with one parent who had similar (but non-alcoholic) toxic behavior towards me and my brother and all I can say is you did the right thing. 100%. You did such a good job. I prayed and prayed and prayed my Mom would leave my Dad and protect us from his behavior but she never did. And almost five decades later I still struggle with feelings of unworthiness as a result. By doing what you did -- you just showed your children that they are worthy. They are worthy of being treated well. They are worthy of not having to put up with toxic behavior that is not their fault. They are worthy of being relaxed and loose and enjoying life like you describe. They are worthy of having healthy relationships -- like the type you have built with them. Thank you for being such a great parent.
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Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 39
Originally Posted by Strugglingintx 
Hey folks, first time on here so bear with me. I’ve read through some threads and really appreciate the support that all of you offer on here. Could really use some support and “truth” right now. I’ll try to be as brief as possible.
Long story short - married for almost 20 years, 3 kids (6 year old son, daughters 14 and 15). Up and down 20 years due to my wife’s behavior. Back in late 2015, a red flag popped up in my mind in regard to my wife’s drinking. We had always been social drinkers - nothing extreme, the occasional big “over served”night, etc. one night on a trip with friends I realized my wife had downed two bottles of vodka from the mini bar in the middle of the night at 3am - not airplane size, but one size bigger. She claimed it was hair of the dog - but that isn’t hair of the dog. For the next 3 years it slowly got worse. Erratic behavior, lashing out at me and the kids, irrational. We had numerous talks about it as it got worse - she would generally just blow up at me when I would gently bring it up.
Her drinking and behavior took a nosedive in 2018. The kids were the target a lot of the time - I was always the target regardless. 2019 was worse. Finally, after a year of firm discussions where I said that she absolutely needs to get help, I found her one day asleep in a chair and realized she drank 3 bottles of wild turkey (I didn’t realize it at the time - I would have called 911. I realized it the next day.). I drew the line in the sand and said she either had to immediately go to treatment or live elsewhere. She fought me for two days from a hotel and finally caved - went to 30 day treatment center the following day.
once she came home in early February, she lasted about 40 days and slipped up. No big deal I said. It’s about what you do tomorrow, the next day, etc. well, about a week later she started drinking full time again and has been drinking since - so about 10 months. I never actually see her drink - she hides it. I don’t look for the bottles anymore but I find them everywhere - car, closets, toy boxes. She denies it still. Even if I never found another bottle, it is painfully obvious when she has anything to drink. Her gait, her slurs, her anger, her picking fights. My two oldest kids notice it as well. The behavior is toxic. She manipulates, blames, lies. She’s been manipulating our 6 year old son for months and he now has severe anxiety unless he’s with me. He does not want to leave my side.
I told her probably 10 times - “if the drinking and behavior continue, I will leave with the kids. It is our job as parents to put them in the best environment and remove them from a negative one - and I can’t deal with it either. It’s miserable.”
Two weeks ago I took the kids to a hotel for a night due to four days of toxic behavior with the grand finale of her being passed out in her car at 3pm. We left. When she found out she went ballistic. Told me she was divorcing me and did not want to be married to me. So - the next day I went and filed for divorce. It’s been two weeks and she is still regularly drinking and passing out in a chair.
My biggest question or the thing that I’m struggling with - how do you get over the guilt??? I’ve never felt this low in my life. I see a broken human being and it literally crushes my soul. I also worry about my kids once we tell them, especially the 6 year old. The crazy thing is - the rational side of my brain knows I did everything I could to help - and then I realized I couldn’t fix it. I gave her every opportunity to fix it - and she wouldn’t. I also know that my kids - who I have a GREAT relationship with (I’ve really been the only parent to them for the last 4 years - my wife does not have a healthy - or even a decent- relationship with any of them) will be sad, yes, but also may feel a sense of relief, because the tension in our house is unbearable. When she’s home, the older ones are in their rooms with the door shut. When she’s gone, everyone is loose and content.
So again - how do I handle or manage this awful feeling of guilt, sadness, questioning that is literally destroying me? My anxiety is through the roof. I see a therapist regularly already but I honestly don’t know if I can make it through this. Any advice or guidance is appreciated so, so much.
Sorry - that definitely wasn’t brief. I’ll work on that.
Thanks folks. I appreciate everyone on here, and I’m sorry for anyone having to go through similar circumstance.
Long story short - married for almost 20 years, 3 kids (6 year old son, daughters 14 and 15). Up and down 20 years due to my wife’s behavior. Back in late 2015, a red flag popped up in my mind in regard to my wife’s drinking. We had always been social drinkers - nothing extreme, the occasional big “over served”night, etc. one night on a trip with friends I realized my wife had downed two bottles of vodka from the mini bar in the middle of the night at 3am - not airplane size, but one size bigger. She claimed it was hair of the dog - but that isn’t hair of the dog. For the next 3 years it slowly got worse. Erratic behavior, lashing out at me and the kids, irrational. We had numerous talks about it as it got worse - she would generally just blow up at me when I would gently bring it up.
Her drinking and behavior took a nosedive in 2018. The kids were the target a lot of the time - I was always the target regardless. 2019 was worse. Finally, after a year of firm discussions where I said that she absolutely needs to get help, I found her one day asleep in a chair and realized she drank 3 bottles of wild turkey (I didn’t realize it at the time - I would have called 911. I realized it the next day.). I drew the line in the sand and said she either had to immediately go to treatment or live elsewhere. She fought me for two days from a hotel and finally caved - went to 30 day treatment center the following day.
once she came home in early February, she lasted about 40 days and slipped up. No big deal I said. It’s about what you do tomorrow, the next day, etc. well, about a week later she started drinking full time again and has been drinking since - so about 10 months. I never actually see her drink - she hides it. I don’t look for the bottles anymore but I find them everywhere - car, closets, toy boxes. She denies it still. Even if I never found another bottle, it is painfully obvious when she has anything to drink. Her gait, her slurs, her anger, her picking fights. My two oldest kids notice it as well. The behavior is toxic. She manipulates, blames, lies. She’s been manipulating our 6 year old son for months and he now has severe anxiety unless he’s with me. He does not want to leave my side.
I told her probably 10 times - “if the drinking and behavior continue, I will leave with the kids. It is our job as parents to put them in the best environment and remove them from a negative one - and I can’t deal with it either. It’s miserable.”
Two weeks ago I took the kids to a hotel for a night due to four days of toxic behavior with the grand finale of her being passed out in her car at 3pm. We left. When she found out she went ballistic. Told me she was divorcing me and did not want to be married to me. So - the next day I went and filed for divorce. It’s been two weeks and she is still regularly drinking and passing out in a chair.
My biggest question or the thing that I’m struggling with - how do you get over the guilt??? I’ve never felt this low in my life. I see a broken human being and it literally crushes my soul. I also worry about my kids once we tell them, especially the 6 year old. The crazy thing is - the rational side of my brain knows I did everything I could to help - and then I realized I couldn’t fix it. I gave her every opportunity to fix it - and she wouldn’t. I also know that my kids - who I have a GREAT relationship with (I’ve really been the only parent to them for the last 4 years - my wife does not have a healthy - or even a decent- relationship with any of them) will be sad, yes, but also may feel a sense of relief, because the tension in our house is unbearable. When she’s home, the older ones are in their rooms with the door shut. When she’s gone, everyone is loose and content.
So again - how do I handle or manage this awful feeling of guilt, sadness, questioning that is literally destroying me? My anxiety is through the roof. I see a therapist regularly already but I honestly don’t know if I can make it through this. Any advice or guidance is appreciated so, so much.
Sorry - that definitely wasn’t brief. I’ll work on that.
Thanks folks. I appreciate everyone on here, and I’m sorry for anyone having to go through similar circumstance.
I wish you all the luck in the world. If you're anything like me you will have analysed this process and this situation and played it though in your mind time after time after time. Deep down I'm sure you know what you did was not only right, but was done after you had been patient, sensitive, and after you had exhausted all other options. Sounds like your wife's drinking was way worse than mine, or at least her behaviours and the effects were anyway. Makes me worry how much further I still have to travel on this journey!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
I'm so sorry for you and others working through this.
A book that I'm finding very useful for myself at the moment is called Out of the Fog by Dana Morningstar.
The fog the book alludes to is the fear, obligation and guilt we're left with when coming out of relationships such as these.
Good luck.
BB
A book that I'm finding very useful for myself at the moment is called Out of the Fog by Dana Morningstar.
The fog the book alludes to is the fear, obligation and guilt we're left with when coming out of relationships such as these.
Good luck.
BB
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
Be aware that the alcoholic knows where your soft spot is. I left the family home temporarily but as the situation evolved, another woman came into the picture and I got ill. I actually left my kids with 2 chaotic addicts. There was nothing I could do because I was in hospital.
yet the guilt....... Excruciating
My husband throws that at me all the time.... YOU LEFT. It got me every time. Now that I know it is a card he plays I acknowledge that. When he says "The kids will never forgive you" or such things I now think to myself.....oh he's playing that card again. The one where he knows I feel guilty and he can stab me in that soft spot again. I don't fall for it anymore.
The way things unfolded was far from ideal. I love my kids and they know that. No one is perfect. I can't change the past but I can focus on being the best person I can be in the present and beating myself up or wallowing in guilt does not help me to be my best me.
yet the guilt....... Excruciating
My husband throws that at me all the time.... YOU LEFT. It got me every time. Now that I know it is a card he plays I acknowledge that. When he says "The kids will never forgive you" or such things I now think to myself.....oh he's playing that card again. The one where he knows I feel guilty and he can stab me in that soft spot again. I don't fall for it anymore.
The way things unfolded was far from ideal. I love my kids and they know that. No one is perfect. I can't change the past but I can focus on being the best person I can be in the present and beating myself up or wallowing in guilt does not help me to be my best me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 146
My advice is, get the children away from this. I went through it, too, and the guilt is just a part of the process until you begin to heal and see that you made the best choice for all concerned. It may not be easy, but it will get better in time.
Here is an analogy that came to me before I separated; in fact, it was what really gave me the strength to make the decision. I saw an altar to the god of alcohol and my children and I were the sacrifice.
My only regret is that I didn't do it much sooner.
Here is an analogy that came to me before I separated; in fact, it was what really gave me the strength to make the decision. I saw an altar to the god of alcohol and my children and I were the sacrifice.
My only regret is that I didn't do it much sooner.
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