ConfusedinTx

So I’ll try to condense this as much as possible. My ABF and I have been together 2 1/2 years and have an 18 mo old son. We are both in our 40s and fell for eachother fast. We have older kids from previous marriages and didn’t plan on adding another! Lol But he’s been such a blessing and we both love him so much. My ABF is an admitted alcoholic. He’s been drinking since he was 13. He’s been to rehab once and said it was a joke. He knows he drinks too much but he said he’s drank for so long he can’t quit. He drinks on average 6 nights a week sometimes 7 and anywhere between 12 and 20 beers a night. He’s extremely high functioning. He gets up early and goes to work every day. He does have 3 dwis but none since we have been together. He as at times made condescending remarks to me and sometimes almost cruel but he would laugh and say you know I love you baby. There have been red flags I guess the whole time but he’s sooo charming and very good looking and I love him so I overlooked a lot.
We just moved to a super nice rent house close to his job. It was wonderful to me and it seemed so to him at first too. We were only here a few weeks when he started being very moody and distant. But then he would get drunk and ask me if I really loved him and I said of course! Do you love me and he said yes or I never would have moved us here. He told me one night in the kitchen “thank you baby for never leaving me Bc I know I can be difficult.” Then Monday night two weeks ago he seemed very agitated. Nothing I said or did was right. He said he wished he could punch me in the face and Bc I figured he was “joking” as he’s done before I said well do it and he said no Bc you would call the cops.
He continued to get more and more agitated until I finally asked him what was wrong and he went off on me. Said horrible cruel and untrue things. Said I didn’t clean even though our house is spotless. Said I never cook even though he loves to cook and always WANTS to. Said I didn’t work even though HE told me he didn’t want me to and wanted me at home with our baby. He went on to say I had let myself go and he wasn’t attracted to me anymore.😭 He knew I have been insecure since having the baby. He was just being extremely cruel. I cried and asked him why he was doing this and he just kept saying he was done. That was over two weeks ago. He’s been giving me the silent treatment ever since. Refuses to talk to me or answer my texts. I’ve found notes he’s wrote saying he wants me gone but he throws them away. I found a phone number of a woman that I’m assuming he met online. I know he’s talking to other women. He goes to work on sat and doesn’t come home till Sunday afternoon.
I knew he had issues from his mom abandoning him and no father active in his life. But overall we have been so happy. He did change somewhat after we had the baby but it was a lot for us both to adjust to.
hes very good to him and a good dad. But I can’t understand why he’s doing this all of a sudden. He’s threatened to leave me before over small arguments when he’s drinking and says he will take our son. But he’s never done this before. I love him and want to somehow salvage our relationship but I honestly feel he’s had some sort of mental “break” Bc his behavior is so erratic...I have no job and we only have one car and I don’t have a good place for our son and me to go so I’ve been at my wits end for two weeks now. 😭

Hawkeye13

What does your gut tell you? From what you have written, to me it seems you yourself perhaps think he is involved in another relationship? You wrote "he is talking to other women" and that seems inappropriate for a married man with a baby.

There are some very wise people here with lots more experience than me--my first suggestion would be contact your local women's shelter to find out your rights and what kind of support is there for you and your son. Even if you don't need it, it will give you some peace of mind and they will be confidential.

I'm sorry for your worry, but it seems like more than alcoholism here, though that is obviously a big factor in all this.

RainingButtons

Having been in two relationships that were abusive id say there are many red flags here for me would be - you have just had a baby, he persuaded you to give up work and be a stay at home mum, and you have moved house (I’m wondering if you are now distanced from friends / family?) Abusive men (sorry to label him but in my opinion this is abusive) break you down so slowly ... get you vulnerable first and bam there’s the next part of the cycle. The fact he’s even mentioned hitting you ... to me is a huge huge warning. He may hit you and then say “I warned you” He may well come to say “sorry babe I’ve been in a bad place lately can you forgive me?” and like I was - you’ll just be so grateful that he’s acting ok again you’ll “forget” all this until it happens again ... each time it gets worse and it breaks you down further.

I’m sorry but that’s my genuine fear for you here. You have a young baby and understandable you want this to work out but please ... please get some advice from a women’s domestic abuse charity.

Because he ticks several boxes and I suspect you already have a gut feeling this isn't going to end well. Please think up an emergency exit plan hopefully you won’t need it but if you do ... a hidden bag with money - a spare phone (charged and with charger) baby essentials and your passport drivers licence etc in it. Stay safe please xxx

Mashabo

Hi, ConfusedinTx.

Im reading the book right now “why does he do that?” - I strongly recommend it to you!!!

In my personal opinion - you should stop looking for excuses for him. And you should not tolerate that type of treatment. I understand that you want to work on your relationship - but it take two people to do that job. And looks like he is not that interested in it.

As for now, focus on yourself and your baby. I know it’s hard, you are sad, but it’s the best you can do. It might be the best time for you to find yourself. Maybe think about what you would like to do, smth you always wanted but haven’t, because maybe he didn’t let you or there was any other reason.

FallenAngelina

A child will bring up a parent's every unresolved issue from every nook and cranny and shine a huge, bright, relentless spotlight on each and every one. It's more than an adjustment for every parent, but a child's presence can be enormously threatening to a parent who is managing emotional pain with alcohol. Unless he involves himself in an ongoing sobriety program (not a one-off rehab stint,) this will get worse and worse.




Every recovering alcoholic will tell you that this is typical BS from someone who is simply not ready to quit. Every human being has the ability to change. The willingness is the question. Don't ever let anyone tell you that he cannot change or choose differently. Few are willing, but everyone can.

FallenAngelina

Yes, it's not only inappropriate, it's also very common among active addicts because it is yet one more external source of "life juice." Until an addict/alcoholic learns how to get "juice" from his own internal source, he will continue to seek it from the outside, whether it's from the high of drinking, the high of new relationships, the high of reckless behavior, the high of constant drama. This is why addicts/alcoholics never respond productively to outrage and pleas. Their existence literally depends on these external sources of life. An addict will continue to crave external "life juice" until he finds a way to supply it in a healthy and truly nourishing way for himself from within.

ConfusedinTx

Wow...thank you all so much...a lot of enlightening info from yall...gosh this hurts so much....even though there definitely have been some red flags on MOST days he’s been such a good dad and so good to me. He literally seems like he has became a different person. It’s like looking at someone you love and trust and they look the same but they have turned into a stranger...

nez

Sorry that you are going through this ConfusedinTx.

I am an alcoholic who has been in recovery for a few years now. Prior to recovery, at one point this would have been me except it would have been "I know I drink too much but I am not ready to quit.". I see nothing to indicate that he is ready to quit at this time, but I could be wrong. I am not wrong about this though, my drinking got worse and worse the longer I drank.

If your husband can't be there for himself and care enough about himself and his well being, to quit at this time; then there is no way he can fully be there for anyone else. That may sound harsh, but it is the truth. Alcoholism is harsh and progressive.

I am not going to begin to pretend to know what is best for you and child, because it is not my feet at ground zero. It is you, that is in the eye of the storm. I feel for you at this time. Know that inside you is the courage to decide on the best course of action and the strength to carry that action out. Godspeed to you and your child.

ConfusedinTx

No I don’t see him quitting at all. He KNOWS he is an alcoholic and has even asked me if I wanted him to quit but then follows it up with if I don’t drink my mind races and I get bad anxiety. He also has always justified his drinking by saying he isn’t abusive, comes home and cooks supper every night, goes to work and provides for us.
This latest turn of events though has my head spinning. He even drank tequila one night on top of all the beer and he has NEVER drank hard liquor since we’ve been together. He acts like a totally different person. I’m pretty sure he has some mental illness goin on as well as the alcohol problem. His mom has been married 7 times and he’s hates his mom and said he doesn’t want to be anything like her. But he’s been married 3 times...imo he is like her and he knows it and hates himself for it but he’s transferring that hate onto me....

FallenAngelina

This is what's known as quacking. There are many typical excuses that alcoholics use in order to justify their continued alcohol consumption. These are two of the most common quacks. There are many. MANY!

My XABF used the exact same words that you quoted. I mean, verbatim. He was even a fabulous cook.

Among many lessons, I came to learn that abuse encompasses so much beyond the stereotypical ape in a "wife beater" undershirt, throwing his weight around. The abuse cycle takes many forms, which you can learn about, but one telltale sign of it is that it feels horrible. Also, the more I learned about alcoholism, the more I understood that alcohol is one of the worst things a person can do for anxiety. Alcohol provides a woefully temporary respite from anxious thoughts, but creates even worse anxiety cycle afterward - and on and on and the worse it gets.

trailmix

Hi Confused, what a sad situation and sadder still there are very many similar stories on this forum. I hope you will take time to read the threads. In some ways you may find them comforting, to know you are not alone and you aren't crazy and the situation IS crazy.

You know what? You deserve to have a partner that treats you well on all days! Not just "most". Of course there are conflicts, sometimes, but those can be settled, you don't need to be walking on eggshells in case he will, again, threaten to leave. Who does that and what does that do to you? It makes you unsure and unsettled, there is no safety or comfort at home, in fact it's a pretty hostile place and right now I'm sure it's unbearable.

Please don't hope he will revert to being nice most of the time. Right now he gets to have your child around, that he obviously cares about, but you get to be the actual caregiver and he gets to go out and party, well isn't that nice.

While he may have some good qualities, this is not a nice guy, this is not a guy you should be around, he will drag you down with him.

Oh and the fight he decided to start and insult you? You can disregard everything he said, that's just him releasing his own guilt at wanting to party rather than be in a domestic situation.

Translation: She must be noticing how much I'm drinking, better test the waters here and see what she's thinking.

What was your reply to that question?

Maybe having a different perspective on all of this will have you making a plan to get out of there.

ConfusedinTx

Everything you said is so true. He started that fight out of nowhere and said degrading and cruel things. And yes he goes out and drinks and does who knows what else while I’m at home with our child. I made a new post about how he texted me last night and said he was done. Again. I feel like my head is spinning from how quickly he changed almost overnight. Looking back yes there were red flags. The heavy drinking should have been one but he’s not your typical drunk. He can drink 18 beers in a night and it’s not till it’s late that you can tell he’s drunk. He’s charming, very good looking, and up till now has been a good provider. Yes there were times I felt like I was walking on eggshells shells Bc he is moody. But then he would come out of it and be sweet and affectionate. He was hot and cold. I feel so confused and lost. And mad at myself for ever falling for him...but then I wouldn’t have my baby so I can’t regret it....☹️

dandylion

Confused......I must tell you that, Yes, it can be typical for alcoholics, who are still young enough and in good health, to be able to drink 18beers before they appear to be obviously drunk.
For one thing, they have developed a "tolerance" and have elevated liver enzymes to deal with that amount of drinking. From what you say, I would say that he is "typical".....

dandylion

Confused.....does he pay child support for his child? If he is such a "good father" he should be willing to support his son so that his son is never lacking the things that he needs, Can we assume that you are doing the major part of hands-on care of the child?

ConfusedinTx

We aren’t split up yet so he doesn’t pay child care for him right now. If and when we do separate then yes I’m pursuing child support through the AG. I’ve been a stay at home mom since we had him Bc we didn’t want him in daycare and since my Abf makes good money he always told me he would rather me stay home. So for the past two weeks after his explosion he goes to work and comes home and drinks beer and if ignores me. I’m at home all day with our son taking care of him and the house.

ConfusedinTx

He does buy him clothes and toys all the time and buys all he needs at the store as far as food. Of course he isn’t “present” so he’s missing out on a lot with his child...

nez

That was me. I wasn't a Jekyll and Hyde that changed when drunk. I didn't physically abuse my wife or get into shouting matches. I just slowly withdrew from reality the more I drank as the day went on. My wife was a big part of reality, so she got included in the sum total of reality that I withdrew from. I was not there for her. A partnership is not a partnership if one partner is not there. My wife signed up for a partnership, not a solo voyage. She deserved better. She ignored the red flags of inevitability.

Yeah I was great when I was sober, except I was never really sober. I was drunk or drunker. " I just slowly withdrew from reality the more I drank as the day went on". There was nothing confusing about it. There was no surprise element involved...because it was a cycle that repeated everyday. "She ignored the red flags of inevitability."

I am so grateful that I woke up before the "partner"ship went down for the final time. If it had happened, the drunk captain would have been standing on the deck alone because my wife was finally paying attention to the red flags and preparing to abandon the "partner"ship.

I can't say for sure, but my experience is that he will continue to be hot and cold until his pain of being hot and cold is greater than the pain of change. The length of time you spend on the voyage of the "partner"ship is entirely up you. Whether the "partner"ship reaches a safe harbor of recovery or whether it sinks before then, who can say?

side note: I am grateful to be in recovery. I am sorry for the way I treated my wife in my alcoholism. I have made amends to my wife. I am so grateful she is still by my side in a true partnership. We both deserve it and have worked hard for it.

trailmix

I know it's hurting you and will continue to for some time. Just know that you are in this kind of storm right now and you won't always feel this way. For right now though you might be wise in coming up with a plan.

Where will you live? Is it possible you can now go back to work? Those should be priority things on the list for you getting out of there. Small steps setting you in the right direction.

I know it probably seems like the invasion of the body snatchers has happened and where did that guy go, who was nice most of the time and is he coming back? Well that's one of the huge downsides of addiction, he is not reliable mentally and never was, unfortunately people don't usually find this out until something like this happens. You can't expect "normal" in a relationship with an alcoholic, in general, because they are functioning with an addiction that alters their thinking.

Anyway, please don't plan for him to come to his senses.

As for the drinking, while he may not have appeared drunk because he now has such a high tolerance for alcohol, he was still impaired and still thinking like a person who has had too much to drink.

dandylion

Confused.....I am glad to hear that you are planning to hold him to his legal financial responsibilities to his son. I think you will feel much more in control as you explore your legal rights and make plans for the future welfare of yourself and your son. You can't really count on him for more than what the legal system holds his feet to the fire, on.
The least a decent man would do is to treat the mother of his cnild respectfully....but, even that can be to much to expect from an alcoholic who has decided to get his external validation elsewhere. To feed his ego in other ways.
From my own experience with these
kinds of situations, I have a suspicion that he has another woman on the side, that he is trying to satisfy---which would explain the sudden hostile and cold treatment of you. Trying to juggle two relationships without making the new one angry can be very tough on the juggler. I have seen this over and over and over.....
In case I am not wrong (and I could be, of course), it will still behove you to assume that you are going to have to take your own welfare into your own hands.

ConfusedinTx

Yes I’m sure he does have someone else on the side. I kind of doubt it’s one person but more then likely he’s playing the field again just as if he was single. Terribly hurtful but it is what it is. He will never be happy with any one woman for very long. I unfortunately am finding this out the hard way...