dandylion

pizza.....again, if will suggest that you get the FACTS. like Amaranth suggested. Lots of well meaning people will give you misinformation. Knowledge is power. Knowing the true facts and your absolute rights will help your self esteem and self confidence.
I call it INFORMATION GATHERING.

If he should question where you are going when you go to visit a lawyer or a dv counselor----just tell him that you are going to a "Weight Watchers Meeting". Also, get some weight watchers materials and strew it about the house.....LOL!
In my world, I consider it an acceptable lie (to the Universe) if it is for self-protection. All animals are allowed self preservation. I recall that; many Catholic Nuns and many of the French Resistance saved hundreds of lives during the Holocaust by telling necessary "lies".

FallenAngelina

Courts will vary greatly by state. Be sure to get information from your particular state. Also, this particular assumption makes no sense. If it were true, then every separated couple would live together until the final divorce decree, which very few do. Distribution of property is based on finances, investments, custody, etc., not on which partner moved out or "abandoned" the residence.

Are you in the USA?

pizza67

yes. I’m sorry but I have heard before about the optics of moving out, in the court’s eyes.

dandylion

pizza......I think it is best to get information about YOUR particular situation from two different persons who have passed the Bar Exam for your state.

Lol....I am sort of known around here for saying "Knowledge is power"......I am now going to say to you----"Accurate knowledge is power".

Sueby

Did he purchase the property before you were married and it still remains in his name only?

Flutterby12

I had the same worries about how the court sees things. You want to keep the house and have at least 50/50 custody, if not primary.

Advice:

Create an agreement, handwritten even, listing what you want right now and for the next few months. It is not legally binding, but it doesn't matter. It establishes the baseline for what you would want in a temporary agreement until the D is finalized. Have it address these things: Who lives where, when he sees the kids, a budget, and how communication will be. Don't tell him about it. Just get it ready and have it ready for when he messes up. Mine looked like this:

1. AH will live out of the house while he attends a treatment program (alcohol, anger management). If he has to live in a hotel, so be it. Covid is not an excuse. You want him OUT because of the havoc he is creating.

2. He will see the kids ___days/week, for ____ hours and you will be present at all times.

3. He has $___/month to cover the hotel, food, treatment program. You will keep up with the kids' and house expenses.

4. You and he will communicate only via email, and you will both be respectful. Allow phone and text communication for him and kids between visits, but it has to be respectful.



Tailor agreement above to your situation. It doesn't have to be perfect. We all know he will violate it. Your objections and "he will just say this" don't matter. Get him to sign it, you sign it, and email a photo of it to your A and get them a hard copy.



How to get him to sign?

1. Any evidence he is not staying sober? Insist he attend a treatment program, and you want him out of the house while he attends. Even if it's just "anger management."
2. If he ever does anything physically intimidating or harmful to you or the kids, Call the police. Tell them exactly what happened. It may feel like an exaggeration to you, but it is not. Have the kids interact privately with the police. Information they give the police about his actions will be documented and can be called upon later. Or do ask them to help you at the moment and get him out of the house for the night. Never let him back in the house. Write out your agreement, and while he is outside your house, you know that all he wants is to get back in it, have him sign it. He will know it is not legally binding, and he will violate it. Doesn't matter. Go through this step and document that you did it, and get a hard copy to your A.

A combo of #1 and #2 above is what happened to me. You may know other things in your situation. It was all his own doing. I did end up with the house in the D and primary custody. Staying in the house has been stabilizing for the kids. Now that it has been 2 years, I still wouldn't want to move them from it, but if we had to, it wouldn't be as big of a deal as it was then.



More advice: You have evidence of his communication with the kids. Document it. Don't tell him about this. Keep it for your A. Document when your kids tell you the conflict between you two is hurting them. Document when the kids are being put through circles with him. Don't tell him about anything you are doing to prepare with the A. Just get him to sign the agreement and DO NOT LET HIM BACK IN. Be prepared for him trying.



It will be a long road, and he will continue his antics. DO NOT GET DETERRED by his threats. Share with your A everything he might use against you bc if your A is blindsided, they will not be happy.



Most Importantly, LIVE to do what is BETTER (it doesn't have to be perfect) FOR THE KIDS (AND YOU). You can show the court (without specifically calling attention to the court that you are doing so) of the damage he has done to the kids and that YOU ARE THE ONE MAKING THE HARD DECISIONS to get them out of the situation.