buthesagreatman

As the user name and title suggests, married to a great man, with a serious drinking problem. From the outside I lead a charmed life, a little unconventional as my husband travels internationally for his job about 9 months of the year, and has for the last 25 years, BUT it's worked for us. We KNOW how to live apart and has made for a fabulous marriage, or so I thought.

We live part of the year abroad in a fabulous villa on the ocean , host parties or just sunset drinks- MANY days a week. He seems to worship the ground I walk on, and he always tells me his only goal in life is to spend forever with me. What could be wrong? Famous last words, right? Thinking back, the signs were there, oh boy were they there, but I choose to ignore them. After all, he'd be gone in a few days and I'd be right back at my 'own' life.

When covid hit he was grounded and home for almost a year, a big adjustment in our marriage and to his workaholic self, a huge blow. To summarize this novel, I noticed he was drinking A LOT, I put it down to stress and changes in his work environment but his drinking continued to escalate, to hiding his drinking, consuming a bottle of gin a night- not every night mind you, but many. He stopped sleeping in the same room, stopped exercising or engaging in all the things we loved to do- just stopped. His new companion (or his old companion- I was to find out) was the bottle.
When confronted he denied there was a problem, I new different, I could tell by his demeanor, his speech, his actions, his GOD awful snoring, his lack of intimacy, his lack of engagement in just about anything, except his job.

To spare you the details and for me to stop sounding like an idiot, I'll fast forward to three months ago when it all came to a head (that is a story for another day), he admitted he MIGHT have a drinking problem, that he's been drinking for year and years, I just didn't know, but I should be happy as he has cut back. UGHHHHHHHH!!!!
He thinks it because he was recently diagnosed with PTSD from military combat service, started seeking counseling, but has lived with it in silence for years, so I'm sure this hasn't helped.

We are home in the states this month and after finding him basically passed out at 4 p.m. I said enough was enough, that I would stand by him, but he has to get help for HIMSELF, not for me. Well, he started AA has been 10 days and I'd swear 8 of those he's drinking. This morning at 10 a.m. he had a glass of gin, which he thinks he's hiding from me.

Truth is, I'm tired. This is a TINY snap shot of all that is going on. I don't know what to do anymore. The more he drinks, the more distant our relationship becomes, the more I'd rather be alone. I guess I'm just venting. I feel stupid, writing this, we have no money problems, there is no abuse, he would hang the moon for me, BUT I KNOW if given a choice of me (the one he professes to love) or alcohol the bottle would win out. I'd NEVER ask him to choose, I know who would win that one.

I don't know what to do, don't know if there is anything TO DO. I feel helpless and hopeless. I worry about him day and night, I check to see if he's drinking, hiding alcohol. I barely recognize myself and I hate it all.

What is my next step? I'm at a loss.

Thank you for 'listening' to my venting and ranting. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Bekindalways

Hi BHaGM, welcome to SR. I'm so glad you found us. There is a lot of support here for folks in your situation.

You sound pretty wise in that you understand that he would choose alcohol over you. Alcoholism is really that powerful.

If you haven't already, please look into Alanon. It isn't for everyone but for many it is a life saver. Also you might look for the book Codependent No More. It is a bit of a bible around here.

Although you can't change him and his drinking, you can learn some tools to deal with the situation. Also you can clarify what you want to do given the reality of what is happening with your husband.

Please do every thing you can to take care of yourself. This is a super tough situation.

Keep posting and let us know how you get on.

trailmix

Hi buthesagreatman, glad you found SR.

I guess the question I have is, what would you like to do?

He's not going to change for you and apparently not for himself either (at least not now), so really that is the only question. Do you stick around and hope someday he chooses sobriety and recovery or do you leave?

One other thing to consider, even if he chose sobriety today, a person needs to be totally committed to that because it's really hard work, especially for the first year or so, I mean he needs to be aware and committed about it for the rest of his life, he will never not be an alcoholic, will never be able to drink "normally" so if he is going back to his old job once restrictions are lifted, is that realistic?

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's)

buthesagreatman

Thank you both for the welcome. What do I want? Well- I want him to try, try for him, try for us our family and loved ones, fight- really fight. However, I don't think he's ready to do that, even if he says he is. So this leaves me to support him until he's ready to, or just pack up and leave. I guess it's something that will play out, the question is, for how long? Right now I'm angry, SO very angry at him. I know it's not right as he does have an illness, but in the back of my mind this is a man that can and has done impossible things. He's very driven, very focused, and when he set his mind to something he did it, but I don't see that man anymore and that is why I'm angry. Where did he go? Why is he not fighting harder? WHY can't I understand and why am I being such an *******?

You brought up the same thing I'm thinking about Trailmix, his job is very social and revolves around dinners/drinking/flying & drinking, when he's not doing that, he belongs to a fancy whiskey tasting club *always held at our house*, we are talking bottles up to 1,000 dollars. Or, we are having sunset drinks, or sunset wine, or lunch with wine, dinner with wine!

Writing that all out and reading it, I didn't realize how much alcohol was involved in our day to day life. I don't have a problem with alcohol so I never looked at it in this light. In addition to him changing his behavior his whole entire life must change, ALL OF IT... Damn, long and hard road ahead.

Once again, I'm rambling. I suppose I want a magic want to make it all right again. I want to stop being angry and stop policing his actions. I AM NOT this woman, I do not snoop, I do not skulk about looking for anything, I never have or never thought I would. I'm embarrassed to admit, I even went into his room while he was sleeping to smell his breath. Who does that?

He actually leaves to travel again on the 20th and I go back to our home abroad on the 22nd. We will have two months apart. Might be sink or swim time. Truth be told, I can't wait to get back, be alone to recharge, not worry about what is happening right in front of my face.

Bekindalways, I thought about alaon, actually I was looking for an alaon forum when I came across this site, but I'm not the sharing in person kind *although you'd never know it from these posts* I will however purchase the book you recommended and read it on my 26 hour travel day that is coming up.

Thanks- K

SmallButMighty

I'm glad you found us and were able to vent your frustration. It can help to organize our thoughts just by typing it out.

You have my empathy. I was married for more than two decades to a man who progressed from being a drinker, to a problem drinker and then, unfortunately, a full blown alcoholic. Like your husband, mine was not an evil man, he was a good provider and for many years he was my best friend, we did everything together when he wasn't away for work. His job also took him away from home. I remember how at first I was always so glad when he would return, but by the end, I preferred life when he was gone. That was a sad and hurtful thing to come to terms with. We shouldn't WANT to be apart from our spouse, but ME trying to cope with HIS alcoholism was so damn exhausting. I called the vodka he guzzled his "Russian Mistress"... it truly felt as if he was having a love affair, no matter how much he professed to hate it, he kept doing it (while hiding it and lying about it). It is an insidious disease.. For me, the loneliest feeling in the world was being together in a room with my drunk-yet-again husband. So , yeah, I just wanted to let you know, I understand what you are going through.

For what it's worth, you don't " sound like an idiot", you sound like a wife at the end of her rope. I remember that feeling all too well. I worried myself right into a severe anxiety disorder before it was all said and done. It was a pretty awful existence for a few years. Eventually I chose to leave. I personally, could not regain my health while living in that situation, he had no intention of getting better, no matter how many "attempts" he made. Separating my life from his was excruciatingly painful, tremendously hard, and extremely terrifying... but my life did improve once I decided to take the focus off him and put it on myself.

I second the recommendation of "Codependent No More", by Melody Beattie. I learned a lot from that book that helped me manage my life back into some kind of order within the chaos while still living with my AXH. Those lessons have carried through into all other aspects of my life as well, and I'm a better person for it.

I hope you will continue to talk with us. We really do understand how exhausting and overwhelming loving an addict can be.

SparkleKitty

Oh, my friend. Everyone came here looking for that magic wand. The sooner we accept that it does not exist, the sooner we are able to shape our own happiness and peace moving forward.

By the way, being angry is a perfectly valid response to finding out how much of your life and relationship had been affected by addiction. While it's nice to be able to have compassion for someone who is struggling with a sickness, please share some of that compassion for yourself because you are in a position to suffer the consequences of his addiction every bit as much as he is. Like with any strong emotion, it's what you do with it that makes a difference. The snooping behavior you describe is not fun, of course. And you don't really need it. You know he is drinking--when and how much and whether he is hiding it...knowing these things might feel satisfying and validating, but in the end, they are only feeding the illusion that you have some control of his behavior. But you don't. If you can let that stuff go and focus on yourself, you might find some peace.

It might seem impossible right now, but try to remember he isn't drinking at you. His battle is with his addiction, not with you. You have the power to remove yourself from situations that make you unhappy or uncomfortable, whether in the short- or the long-term, but fixating on him reaching the point where he is ready to get help could leave you enmeshed and unhappy for years and years to come. If you decide to stay with him, you will need to learn the tools of detachment. You will need to be okay leaving him to whatever he is doing to pursue your own joy. You will need to learn to lower your expectations of him as a partner. If you can't imagine doing any of that, then you need to consider whether this relationship is going to provide you the happiness you deserve in the long-term. Because there is no guarantee that he will ever be ready "to try, try for him, try for us our family and loved ones, fight- really fight."

Whatever you decide, and however long it takes to decide, we'll be here.

dandylion

butheisagreatman........I have additional suggestions for you......Yes, of course, read "Co-dependent No More", first. As, it is the most recommended book on this forum.

sounds like you are going to have lots of time to do your reading.

We happen to have a large library of articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones----well over a hundred. I suggest reading them, as they don't leave a stone unturned.

They are found in two places----(1) Under the Classic Reading section, within the "stickies"---located just above the regular threads.
(2) Under the bold black heading od "The Best of Sober Recovery"-----located at the very bottom of the whole website.

I an giving you the following link to the Classic Reading section, for your convenience.

Classic Reading - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information (Classic Reading)

For now----just keep reading and thinking. There is sooo much to learn. Knowledge is power.

Know this----****Alcoholism is progressive, meaning that it gets worse over time. This is important for you to know, as it will become necessary for YOU to make lots of changes, whether you stay or whether you go. Things will not stay exactly the same as they are right now.

By the way----you aren't required to "share" at alanon meetings. You can just listen if you want to, Nobody is going to pressure you.

kevlarsjal2

Hi K! I can feel the frustration reading your post. That's the core of the whole problem. For the one on the outside it seems so clear that if the alcoholic /addict would only stop the drinking, they'd do better and everything would be fine again. But for some reason they just don't do it, don't seem to be able or do not want to and it's hurtful and confusing that nothing in the whole world seems to mean enough for them to get help. It's like watching someone have cancer and decide against treatment for that. It adds so much loneliness, uncertainty and insanity to the lives affected by it.

From what you wrote it sounds like he might have an overall addiction issue that due to the lack of work, shifted from workaholism and drinking to full blown alcoholism. The problem is often that even once the addict puts down the mood altering drug like booze, they will still behave in awful ways because they lack inner balance and peace if they don't constantly distract themselves or get some kind of boost or rush from affairs, gambling, overeating, working out too much etc.
It's good that he's in therapy and accepts the possibility of him having PTSD. Because from my perspective (I'm in recovery from alcoholism myself and so is my partner, my dad is still a drinker) I can tell you that most addicts have an array of other issues that come to surface once the drug or other addictive behaviour is removed. We don't drink because we want to, we don't drink because we don't care enough about others, we don't drink because we think it's fun or okay to mess our own lives and those of our loved ones up like that. We drink because deep down there's something so wrong, something so painful, something so empty, so hopeless or exhausted that we just can't exist without constant distraction or numbness.

What I'm trying to say is that in most cases it doesn't just get better once they stop drinking. It needs so much work, therapy and strong nerves on both sides to get through this. And usually people have to hit some kind of bottom before they are ready to make a change. Try to take that into consideration when you make a decision.
Maybe your man will return to "normal" life once this covid stuff is over and he will mostly engage in his workaholism and maybe that will give him enough to pull back on the drinking to the level he was at before. But unless he discovers another type of addiction (like working out 7 hours a day) or really (REALLY) works on himself, he might go straight back to drinking when he retires.

It's a tough decision you are forced to make and it's not fair, you don't deserve it, none of it is your fault. But you seem to know that. I hope your man is ready to get help soon.

woodlandlost

Hi and welcome to the forum.

One other thing is that you have 2 months to get some time and space to work on things for yourself. You don't have to make any decision!! One thing you can do is follow some of the recommendations and readings. You can attend Al-Anon via zoom look here for Electronic Meetings: https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings...onic-meetings/

Another suggestion is to see if you can get into a program for families with addiction. I bet lots of addiction treatment facilities offer these via zoom also. I attended a 3 day intensive workshop about two years ago and so did my daughter. It was very informative and helpful. It would be a very good grounding in the knowledge around addiction. My opinion anyway, is that knowledge will make Al-Anon meetings more helpful. And, also at many meetings on zoom, people leave their phone numbers beside their names and guess what??? They will take your call and are so kind and helpful. Much like this forum, but having a voice on the other end while you spin and ramble is comforting. My book recommendation is to pick up the series on e-books, called, "Getting them sober, by Toby Rice Drews. These books are my go-to almost daily. They are written for you, they are written to support you.

trailmix

Yes, nobody wants to be the one scouring the garbage or recycling bin for empties, checking the level on the wine bottle etc, but that is a natural first response.

That said, it is kind of a waste of your time. Nothing you do, policing this, is going to make any difference, but it is natural to want to look at it and face it and say, ok, this is really what's happening and what am I going to do about it?

There is nothing to be done, except separating yourself from the problem, in some ways. He will either drink or he will seek recovery, that's his choice. Being angry is normal, you have come to the realization that your whole world, lifestyle, marriage has a huge elephant in the room of which you have zero control - that's hugely worrisome and stressful and frustrating.

It's important to have boundaries, in any relationship and the book that has been recommended is a good place to start learning about that. What are your boundaries in terms of living with someone who is an alcoholic? Can you just go along with that? If not, a boundary might be, I won't live with someone who drinks. Then, of course, you need to decide what you want to do about that. Boundaries are different than rules in that they are all in your power, you decide what you want and don't want and what you will do if that does/doesn't occur. This as opposed to rules which lends the power to the other person, to follow or not as they choose.

I am glad that you and he will be going away again, it will give you time to think clearly about all this.

Amaranth

I don't know what to do, don't know if there is anything TO DO. I feel helpless and hopeless. I worry about him day and night, I check to see if he's drinking, hiding alcohol. I barely recognize myself and I hate it all.

Hello BHaGM. I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through.
Sometimes the hardest thing to do is nothing. You have had a big shock, now the realisation of your husband's addiction has really hit home. Take some time for self care. There is no rush to act.
You are neither helpless nor hopeless. These are natural feelings but they are not real. Al-anon can really help with these feelings. As others have said, you are not obliged to share at meetings. Sometimes listening to others is much more helpful than sharing.

I know all about the worry. I made myself ill with worry. I was convinced my husband was going to die over two years ago due to his behaviours and his drinking.He escalated his drinking and is still going strong. Nothing wrong with him, but I did become very ill.

It's incredible how much self abuse alcoholics can endure. You can read many stories about that here on the forum. Please try to put yourself in the centre of your thinking. Try to work out what you want for yourself regardless of what your husband does or doesn't do. Try to pay attention to his actions rather than his words. It will help you to keep a realistic picture in your mind. Living with and loving an addict is confusing and painful. Neither staying nor leaving are easy. Take your time, find activities to calm your mind and don't rush into any big decisions.
Arm yourself with knowledge by reading the books already reccommended and the stickies on this forum, which are excellent.

velma929

I stayed with my AH until he died. Financially, it would have hurt us both if I'd left. Staying married, he'd have withdrawn all his retirement savings over the years to finance cigarettes and booze. He wasn't a high roller, and we didn't have a ton of money to begin with. We'd be broke by now.

I would be concerned about drinking a driving. My father killed someone in a drunk driving accident, and the civil suit that followed absorbed abut half their life savings.

buthesagreatman

Thank you all for the encouragement and advice, you've given me a lot to think about, things I've never thought about too. You've also given me a measure of comfort, it truly was helpful reading each post.

Velma, your story is heartbreaking, I'm so very sorry to hear the struggles you faced. Thank you for sharing and for your advice.

Thankfully we are in a country that has zero tolerance for alcohol behind the wheel and one would be jailed and deported if caught. So we uber if we go out or use a driver, thankfully we've done this for 10 years so nothing new.

In the states, he's usually only home about 10 days a year and it's for work, he uses Uber and does not even rent a car. On this trip, which is RARE for us to be together this long and at our home in the states, he is biking to his AA meetings as three are within biking distance to our house, the times he did drive, I believe he had no alcohol that day, at least he did not seem so to me and sadly I'm now an expert. I'm VERY vocal about drinking and driving and have zero tolerance for that. That is one thing I would not forgive- ever, especially if he injured an innocent family.

Bekindalways

We are throwing lots at you BHaGM. There is a pace to figuring this out so please do give yourself time.

One phrase we use and I find helpful is: "Stay on your side of the street.". You seem to know this instinctually. The checking on his drinking is not who you want to be. His drinking and recovery (or not) are his side of the street. Your side of the street has issues such as learning detachments, finding support for yourself as the spouse of an alcoholic, and getting clear about what you want to do given the reality of alcoholism in your marriage.

Courage to you as this is very difficult to deal with.

buthesagreatman

Bekindalways, I took your advice to heart, I've been staying on my side of the street, I'm not asking about drinking, I'm not looking for bottles, or signs of drinking. I'm trying to live my best life, walk in the morning, paddle board at night and stay busy in-between, always moving, perhaps avoiding.

So in my mad dash through my days I happened to come across a stash of extra bottles in the linen closet when they tumbled out onto my head. Keeping with my side of the street, I went about my day and didn't say a word. Fast forward to a few days later and I was looking for some tools in MY tool box and I'll be damned if there wasn't a few bottles of vodka tucked away, now I'm fuming but keep my mouth shut.

Staying on my side of the street is getting harder and harder as I get angrier and angrier. Yet, my heart breaks for him- truly it does. He doesn't even like vodka, I know this to be a fact, I guess he doesn't think I can tell if he's drinking. PLEASEEEEEE, I'm like a blood hound, I can smell it, I can tell from the flush on his face, his actions. It's maddening.

So my question is? When do I cross that street? What in the world do I do now? I'm SO angry....

He's been gone for three weeks, and although I worry about him all the time, I'm at home at peace.

buthesagreatman

So an update, wish it was good, but you all know where it's going. I truly assumed my husband would try to stop drinking, he got an AA sponsor, was talking to a therapist, seems like it was on track, I wasn't expecting miracles- but to really try, follow through with his support system. This is a strong man, the one I'd want to be with in a zombie apocalypse, he's that kind of guy.

And so I noticed-

One day I went to get a bottle of white wine out of the fridge to cook with and noticed it was emptied, two days later that same damn bottle was back, and FULL. I guess I wasn't suppose to notice?

SO, that is when it started again, or perhaps never stopped? Then I found the hidden bottles, this time- for a first by accident, the rest ironically enough by accident as well. Just my luck.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago, I had to have surgery on my leg, not major but an hour plus surgery and would be put under. The morning of, I had to be at the surgical theater at 8 a.m. It's 7:45 a.m. and my husband is still in bed, I assume having drank most of the night away he's hungover or passed out. I leave a note and go the the surgical center on my own, as I had always planned to do anyway, as I'm on my way there I get a text, what time do you need to be at the hospital? He had no idea I'd even left, never even came out of the bedroom he was sleeping in.

So, I'm angry- SOOOOOOOO angry. Where is the man I know? Where did he go? Is he lost forever? My heart breaks for him but at the same time I want to kick his ass from here to tomorrow.

He's out of town and in the most immature and unadult fashion, I've not communicated with him in three weeks. I just can't. I don't know what to say anymore, for the first time in my life, I'm out of words.

I did not confront him on his drinking, but he knows I know. Really, what is there to say? Such a vicious cycle.

SparkleKitty

You don't cross the street. I'm sorry I know that's not what you want to hear. I know you're angry. I know you're worried. I'm asking you to believe me when I tell you that interfering with him in any way won't assuage either your anger or your worry--in fact it is almost guaranteed to make them both worse. And on top that, crossing the street won't help him.

buthesagreatman

Thank you for taking the time to post. Do I confront him, or just go on pretending he's not drinking? Seriously, by pretending he's not drinking does it just enable him? Or will it not matter?

SparkleKitty

You don't have to do either. You can live with the knowledge that he is drinking again without confronting him, pretending otherwise, or enabling him. Instead you can make decisions about how you want to live YOUR life moving forward. Is this what you want? Is this a partner you can stay with, assuming this is as good as it gets? You don't have to decide right now, but waiting for him to change or expecting him to change so that you don't have to make those decisions could see you stuck in this for another ten, twenty years? More, even. The only thing you have to figure out right now is what YOU want, regardless of anything he does or doesn't do in the future.

buthesagreatman

SparkleKitty again, thanks for your wisdom. I have so much to think about, so much I NEVER thought I'd have to think about. What I'd like and what is reality seems to be colliding in a spectacular fashion. There are times when I can't stand to hear him breath I'm so angry, and other times I can't imagine my life without him- but at this point not with him in his current state.

The really sad part of all of this, if I think back- really think back it's been going on A LONG time, but his travel schedule and our lifestyle camouflaged it in plain sight. What a bitch.

The kicker is, he's not a mean drunk, he's NEVER raised his voice, never been out of line, never embarrassed himself in public, has a fabulous job, and when not totally snockered he's thoughtful of my every need, has always been, until recently. He's the guy that WANTS to hold hands, wants to snuggle, wants to spend time with me. Arranged a surprise trip to the Seychelles for our 25th wedding anniversary, I had NO clue. He's a good guy.

Something that stands out, I'm a big ocean swimmer and everyone knows- you don't swim alone in the ocean, I try to stick to this. So when he's home, and I'm going for a long swim 1+ hours, he shadows me to make sure I'm safe even though he doesn't want to swim in the ocean- EVERY single time- until recently. Just one of the great things about him. Damn, I miss that man.