honeypig

Your name says exactly what so many of us started our early posts with here--"He's a great guy, BUT..." I know in the beginning, I thought if I could only remove alcohol from our lives, everything would be rosy. It took time for me to see that it wasn't that simple. Nearly 6 years post-divorce, I'm STILL having revelations about what was really going on during the 21 years we spent together. Like yours, my A wasn't a mean drunk or physically abusive, and that made it easier for me to excuse the deep, deep dishonesty that ran through every single aspect of our time together b/c I didn't see that as "real" abuse. After all, maybe it wasn't really that bad...

Regarding Al-anon, I'd just like to add that there is no requirement that you share in person, online, or any other way. You will still be welcomed if all you want to do is listen. In fact, I think many, if not most, newcomers expect to not share b/c they think they won't be comfortable doing so. When the turn to speak comes around to you, all you need do is say "I'll pass tonight" or "I'll just listen for now." I guarantee it won't be the first time the other members there have heard it said!

LoveMeNow

I, too, believed I married a great man but as Louet said, the years of dishonesty ran much deeper then I ever knew. He recently tconfessed so much in his attempts to make amends. More probability, an attempt to manipulate me into a reconciliation. I am not sure I ever really knew the real him but that doesn't really matter to me anymore. I am thankful in many ways for the "good" years, and the lessons I have learned from sharing those years with him.

What I do know now, he is forever changed! He will never be the man I thought he was or wanted him to be. Time away allowed me to see him in a whole new light.

trailmix

Hi butthe, glad you posted again. Your side of the street. It doesn't actually mean that you live over there on that side pretending that nothing else is going on, that will make you wonky : )

While staying on your own side you actually need to be keeping that side tidy too. That means looking after and out for yourself! Sounds like you are good with your lifestyle, but you certainly need support. Posting here, taking to a trusted friend or family member (if they understand alcoholism) and perhaps a therapist who specializes in addictions.

He obviously has a big drinking problem, of that there is no doubt, based on what you have seen. So back to the question, what do you want to do about this, if anything.

You can just carry on as you always have been, although that may be impossible now that you know what you know. You can't force him to change, of course, so if he is unwilling to do that, you need a boundary that you are willing to stick to.

It's never about ignoring the problem, it's about acknowledging it (to yourself) and deciding how you will deal with it. By building up your own life, interests etc (a good idea regardless), by leaving, by just carrying on as is, with acceptance that your husband is an alcoholic.

The acceptance part of that though is key. He is who he is, you can either accept that or not, as you know. Continuing on by trying to force him to change or being angry when he fails to meet your expectations/wants is not fair to you, or to him.

Always keeping in mind that alcoholism tends to be progressive, his drinking today may not be what it is a year from now, and all that encompasses.

Amaranth

Sorry to hear things are not getting better for you
I too married a man I would want to be with for the zombie apocalypse........it was a gradual change.....but he's one of the zombies now.
There's nothing you can do to make your husband change. Your anger will not do YOU any good. If it is not addressed it will make you ill. He will do what he does regardless. You can be angry, ill, or ignore him, it doesn't matter.
Have you tried al-anon?

HopeUnending

But He's- while I don't have advice as I'm in a similar boat as you with an AH that is "a good guy" when sober. However, he is a spiraling and often mean drunk. Now all the "functioning" he once had is gone.

I thank you for your post and those who commented. I even in recent times longed for his sober days so I could have him back. But something clicked he's not two people he's one man with good and terrible behaviors. Yes, some of you have told me this more than once. I wasn't expecting or prepared to deal with it but I get it now.

I second the Al-Anon suggestion, it really helps. And this site is so great to really lay out the situation your in and get experience-driven advice.

Best wishes to you!