Don’t know what else to do
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Join Date: Nov 2020
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Don’t know what else to do
So yesterday I was a bit triggered by some stupid thing. I sent the ex a txt msg to give him a specific date by which I’d like him to start the divorce process. (30 of Jan).
Because I am tired, tired of being treated the way he does, when I did nothing wrong, tired of him thinking I’ll just wait till he finally “earns” money to do the papers. (Which is bllsht. It’s been more then 2 months and we have no children, no properties, nothing. That paperwork doesn’t cost much. And he says he has no money and his father won’t borrow him. Somehow he bought a moto, and have been renting the farm house all this time). He knows that’s the only thing keeping me here and I can’t leave without this.
If you ask why don’t I do it: first, I don’t have money for this now, cuz I barely pay my rent and need money for my ticket to go home. Second, he owes me money. Third, it’s his decision after all so he should assume this responsibility and do the one right thing he has left to do.
After sending the msg he answered nothing. Absolutely nothing. He just wants to keep controlling me, which is so stupid, I just can’t.
Because I am tired, tired of being treated the way he does, when I did nothing wrong, tired of him thinking I’ll just wait till he finally “earns” money to do the papers. (Which is bllsht. It’s been more then 2 months and we have no children, no properties, nothing. That paperwork doesn’t cost much. And he says he has no money and his father won’t borrow him. Somehow he bought a moto, and have been renting the farm house all this time). He knows that’s the only thing keeping me here and I can’t leave without this.
If you ask why don’t I do it: first, I don’t have money for this now, cuz I barely pay my rent and need money for my ticket to go home. Second, he owes me money. Third, it’s his decision after all so he should assume this responsibility and do the one right thing he has left to do.
After sending the msg he answered nothing. Absolutely nothing. He just wants to keep controlling me, which is so stupid, I just can’t.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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If you know his goal is to keep controlling you, you might have to stop handing over to him the means to do so. Even when it feels perfectly reasonable and justified.
You have to decide how much dealing with him at all is worth to you. Is it worth delaying the divorce indefinitely? Is it worth letting go of the money he owes you? Is it worth letting go of the expectation that he will behavior like a responsibile adult?
It's not fair, but you will have to be the adult here if you want to move on. Otherwise you will stay embroiled and frustrated with his childish antics.
You have to decide how much dealing with him at all is worth to you. Is it worth delaying the divorce indefinitely? Is it worth letting go of the money he owes you? Is it worth letting go of the expectation that he will behavior like a responsibile adult?
It's not fair, but you will have to be the adult here if you want to move on. Otherwise you will stay embroiled and frustrated with his childish antics.
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Join Date: Nov 2020
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Definitely, kitty. I don’t want to delay that any longer, 30 of Jan for me is the deadline. Of course if he still does nothing I’ll have to take it into my own hands.
Don’t want to deal with him at all. I told him about money once, I won’t hold to it, of course. If he won’t return it - I’ll just let it go.
Don’t want to deal with him at all. I told him about money once, I won’t hold to it, of course. If he won’t return it - I’ll just let it go.
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
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Hi Mashabo,
I'm sure you are tired of dealing with all his b*s*. Dealing with an addict is very tiring. What you think would be something easy, they find any excuse as to not fulfill it. Or in this case he stonewalls you and nothing is accomplished. Well one thing is accomplished you end up getting more tired and more angry. I would not hold out hope for him to do anything. It's the adult this to do, but like Sparklekitty says you are going to have to be the adult in this case. Just keep taking it one day at a time. Try not to engage with him. Look after yourself and keep being strong.
I'm sure you are tired of dealing with all his b*s*. Dealing with an addict is very tiring. What you think would be something easy, they find any excuse as to not fulfill it. Or in this case he stonewalls you and nothing is accomplished. Well one thing is accomplished you end up getting more tired and more angry. I would not hold out hope for him to do anything. It's the adult this to do, but like Sparklekitty says you are going to have to be the adult in this case. Just keep taking it one day at a time. Try not to engage with him. Look after yourself and keep being strong.
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Join Date: Nov 2020
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Thank you, ironwill.
Yep, I try my best to be strong and not engage with him in any way. I know I should not apply my logic in anything dealing with addict, but it’s just so annoying. If a normal person wants to divorce and pushes for it, tells his whole family about it - he does it. If he doesn’t want - he doesn’t do it. And that I see doesn’t work with addicts at all.
I surely have to be the adult here and take it in my own hands cuz I don’t want it to take forever while the guy is running around with his cucú girlfriend.
Yep, I try my best to be strong and not engage with him in any way. I know I should not apply my logic in anything dealing with addict, but it’s just so annoying. If a normal person wants to divorce and pushes for it, tells his whole family about it - he does it. If he doesn’t want - he doesn’t do it. And that I see doesn’t work with addicts at all.
I surely have to be the adult here and take it in my own hands cuz I don’t want it to take forever while the guy is running around with his cucú girlfriend.
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Well...there is one remaining lever you can try to push? You have a good relationship with his family, as I recall? And he was weirdly furious with you for telling them about the girlfriend or was it the drinking or something... I can’t remember.
You can always go straight to the family or tell him that you will unless he cooperates with the divorce and gets you your money back, whichever is more likely to get you out of there.
At some point, you just have to look out for yourself any way you can.
You can always go straight to the family or tell him that you will unless he cooperates with the divorce and gets you your money back, whichever is more likely to get you out of there.
At some point, you just have to look out for yourself any way you can.
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain 
Well...there is one remaining lever you can try to push? You have a good relationship with his family, as I recall? And he was weirdly furious with you for telling them about the girlfriend or was it the drinking or something... I can’t remember.
You can always go straight to the family or tell him that you will unless he cooperates with the divorce and gets you your money back, whichever is more likely to get you out of there.
At some point, you just have to look out for yourself any way you can.
You can always go straight to the family or tell him that you will unless he cooperates with the divorce and gets you your money back, whichever is more likely to get you out of there.
At some point, you just have to look out for yourself any way you can.
He is still angry that I told his fam about his addiction (which was 2 years ago). And recently he was just furious that I am spending time with them, I guess according to him I need to just stay by myself, talk to no one from his family and patiently wait till he decides to finally start the process.🤦🏽♀️
He doesn’t know that his family knows about his gf, he even doesn’t think I know. He thinks I’m just playing him.
But yea, you are right. I was thinking about it and I will definitely ask them for help if he does nothing.
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Join Date: Aug 2019
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Hi Mashabo,
In his mind you should be at home like a good little wife, Not asking questions as to why he is doing the things he does. Not talking to any of his family or friends. Just there to support his addiction and clueless to his life with alcohol. Well your not clueless, you don't support his addiction and your done with all his B.S.. You are learning more each day as to what this disease does to a person and how to handle it. Just keep taking it one day at a time and as always keep being strong.
In his mind you should be at home like a good little wife, Not asking questions as to why he is doing the things he does. Not talking to any of his family or friends. Just there to support his addiction and clueless to his life with alcohol. Well your not clueless, you don't support his addiction and your done with all his B.S.. You are learning more each day as to what this disease does to a person and how to handle it. Just keep taking it one day at a time and as always keep being strong.
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Join Date: Nov 2020
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Originally Posted by ironwill
Hi Mashabo,
In his mind you should be at home like a good little wife, Not asking questions as to why he is doing the things he does. Not talking to any of his family or friends. Just there to support his addiction and clueless to his life with alcohol. Well your not clueless, you don't support his addiction and your done with all his B.S.. You are learning more each day as to what this disease does to a person and how to handle it. Just keep taking it one day at a time and as always keep being strong.
In his mind you should be at home like a good little wife, Not asking questions as to why he is doing the things he does. Not talking to any of his family or friends. Just there to support his addiction and clueless to his life with alcohol. Well your not clueless, you don't support his addiction and your done with all his B.S.. You are learning more each day as to what this disease does to a person and how to handle it. Just keep taking it one day at a time and as always keep being strong.
And as of him he is saving his life, working his program, happy he is not consuming (which is under a big question here), trying very hard so everyone should appreciate it and leave him alone. He once told me “you can trust me now” HA-HA.
And you are definitely right, I’m not clueless now and won’t be supporting his behavior. I won’t be making crazy out of myself like before. That guy is full of s*t, and after everything he has done he still expects everyone to walk on eggshell around him. He is blaming his mom that she doesn’t support his recovery. Well, that type of “recovery” is hard to support.
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Keep taking that next right step Mashabo no matter how tiny. Unfortunately you can probably count on him not moving forward with the divorce. This is what they do as much as it doesn't make sense.
Keep taking care of yourself and let us know how you get on.
Keep taking care of yourself and let us know how you get on.
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Hi Mashabo,
It's good to know that you have a safe place away from the craziness of your AH . You are so right to laugh at him saying that you can trust him know. With all the lies and manipulations he has done. I doubt you will ever trust him again.
I hope you are having a good weekend and did something nice for yourself. With all the stuff you have been through you deserve a break from all the craziness and heartache that you have had to endure. Just keep taking it one day at a time and have a good rest of the weekend. Keep being strong.
It's good to know that you have a safe place away from the craziness of your AH . You are so right to laugh at him saying that you can trust him know. With all the lies and manipulations he has done. I doubt you will ever trust him again.
I hope you are having a good weekend and did something nice for yourself. With all the stuff you have been through you deserve a break from all the craziness and heartache that you have had to endure. Just keep taking it one day at a time and have a good rest of the weekend. Keep being strong.
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Join Date: Nov 2020
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Thank you, ironwill!
I so appreciate your support. I’m spending this weekend alone, treating myself with nice food and good movies. Figured out that it’s very important to learn being alone and not to feel lonely. So I’m on that path
Hope you have a great weekend yourself!
I so appreciate your support. I’m spending this weekend alone, treating myself with nice food and good movies. Figured out that it’s very important to learn being alone and not to feel lonely. So I’m on that path
Hope you have a great weekend yourself!
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Originally Posted by Bekindalways
Hey M, how are things going?
I hope last weekend was okay and you are taking whatever next-right-step available.
I hope last weekend was okay and you are taking whatever next-right-step available.
Everything is going pretty much the same. That message was sent and i got no response still. And as almost everyone here think, I also think he won’t do anything. So I’m preparing my next steps which are :
1. Ask his dad to help me pressure him with that
2. Ask his dad to pay me his debt and do those papers myself
In general I’m doing good, trying to be calm and find positive sides in all what’s happening. I definitely know I did all good. It just frustrates me that after everything that person has done and is doing, he can not do one right thing - prepare papers for divorce. Knowing that I am alone in this country, spending lots of money on being able to pay everything, without being able to leave and meet my family. This amount of selfishness, cruelty and lack of empathy truly amazes me. But I’m trying to do and be my best!
Thank you for checking in on me, I appreciate it a lot!
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