Lorni1

Here goes, this is my story
In October 2019 my husband got a driving disqualification (drunk driving). He went to court got 9 month ban. I thought he has hit rock bottom, he will stop drinking. Of course this didn't happen, he continued to abuse alcohol. Telling me he couldn't stop. He then reapplied for his licence back it was refused due to being alcohol dependant. In March 2020 he spoke to his GP who told him he would need to do liver tests to prove his year free from alcohol. This is what he needed to get his licence back. He managed to stay sober for 9 months. He got 2 liver tests which both came back as good. He began drinking again at Christmas and is still drinking. I am so annoyed and frustrated. I need to learn that this is out of my control, which I am finding difficult. All the arguments we are having are due to his drinking. He has managed to keep his job, for how long.
Thank you

dandylion

Lorni.....I can see why you are annoyed and frustrated. You are beginning to get a glimpse of what the future can bring----and, the progressiveness of alcoholism changes relationships and marriage---as much as we may turn ourselves into a pretzel by tryng to prevent that from happening.
It can be scary and overwhelming as one peers into the future. It is best if one can turn their thought to their own welfare and their own self care...and, care of the children if there are any children to be considered.
I hope that you will keep posting and reading, here, as we can support you and help guide you in this direction. Many of us have been in your same shoes.

SmallButMighty

Hi Lorni, my first husband was an alcoholic, I lived in that same frustration you are dealing with for a very long time. It's extremely exhausting, I felt so defeated all the time. It was awful. I am sorry you are experiencing this.

I tried everything to get my AXH to change his ways, nothing worked. Sometimes he would pretend to go through the motions and then I'd get my hopes up just to have him disappoint me yet again...over and over and over again. My AXH was (probably still is) a chronic drunk driver, that caused me unbelievable anxiety, for dozens of reasons. None of my fretting, fighting, crying, begging , threatening or bargaining ever made a lick of difference. He didn't really want to change so he didn't. Back then I believed it was my obligation as his wife to try and fix him, it took me a long time to realize no amount of love can fix an addict who does not want to fix themselves. When I did figure that out, I stopped trying to help him and started helping myself, that is when my quality of life started to improve.

Two things really helped me learn what I needed to know. In no particular order: This place right here, SoberRecoveryFriends&Family and a book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. There have since been more avenues of learning, but these are the two things that really helped the most because it got me started in the right direction. I really, REALLY needed to learn about boundaries, not just my own but about respecting other peoples' too( Mainly those of my AXH and kids). Once I got the boundary thing straight I was off to the races.

I hope you stick around and keep chatting with us. Sometimes it just feels good to come here and vent to people who'll understand.

Lorni1

Thank you both for your replies, I went back to work today. It has made me feel so much better, I will look at getting the book you suggested.
its great to know I am not alone
Thank you again

FallenAngelina

Welcome, Lorni. I highly recommend the book that SmallButMighty suggested.

Lorni1

Update of my situation,
Yeaterday he decided he would only have a few beers which led to 18 beers. I stayed away from home focusing on myself making dinner for myself and children. Getting started with my uni essay, which I didn't think but took my mind away from all the worries. This morning I was getting organised for work, he was saying he was ill, I didn't scream and shout as I would normally do. I did however say, I hope you don't drink today ( wrong thing to say). He tried to start an argument blaming me for everything. I just stood up and walked away did say a few things didn't raise my voice. I just sat in my kitchen and cried for a short while. This made me feel stupid why do I let him get to me. I should be used to this.
I am praying he does keep to his word and doesn't drink today. Only time will tell, I have downloaded the book that was suggested. I will take time to read later
thanks

trailmix

This is why you aren't used to this, because you keep having expectations from him that he will not deliver. He might be sober later, but it's a crap shoot right? He might be fall down drunk. You having any expectation that he will be one way or the other is setting yourself up to get hurt over and over and over again.

If you intend to stay with him, you are going to have to toughen up for sure, because he will drag you down with him, no question about that. You hope he will be sober and worry about it all day, then arrive home and he is - or he isn't and the rollercoaster ride begins, again. Neither of those outcomes makes for happiness and contentment for you. Another option is to start making a plan to leave, but that is up to you, of course.

Yelling at him, venting your frustration over his drinking, telling him to be some other way than he is, is a waste of your time.

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).

woodlandlost

Lorni1

First off, my heart goes out to you...this sucks, it is painful, scary and all consuming. You will find this place as a great support, a cold bucket of water a warehouse of timely information and a place to start your healing. But intil the healing you can glean from the last few people who responded to you.

What trailmix said is spot on. Depending how well you understand alcoholism, what was just said to you is in some ways the coles notes for being a spouse of an alcoholic. The 3C's, focus on yourself, don't waste your energy on him or his drinking, learn quickly about denial. Denial....denial that what you say or do will fix him, denial that it will magically get better right away, etc, etc

Ugh, take care

.

Lorni1

Thank you for your replies.
The 3cs has really made me think, this is something I haven't heard before. Even now that he has been sober since yesterday, I cant even look at him, when he asks me a question it just a quick yes or no. I really need stop feeling so resentful as I understand that this is a disease.
thanks

trailmix

Well, resentment for a total disruption of your life is kind of understandable? When you say that you probably mean that you aren't being fair to him, but in fact you aren't being fair to yourself. The resentment disrupts your life, makes you stressed and unhappy?

You don't have to have a never ending well of compassion for him, accepting that he is an alcoholic is key though and that nothing changes if nothing changes. He is going to be who he is and he won't quit drinking until he wants to, if ever.

So, where does that leave you? The absolute best direction is to start focusing on yourself, what do you want for your life? Spend time with friends and family, pick up a new hobby or one you may have dropped. Take good care of yourself, sleep well (even if that means in a different room), eat good food, get outside when you can. When he is drunk, how about going for a walk or go have coffee with someone if you can, or just browse some netflix in another room.

His drinking is the elephant in the room and is becoming the center of your life, that's not good for you. Some emotional distancing on your part is also key, although this is just a stop-gap measure so you can see your way clear to what you want to do.

flower959

Ugh, It's hard isn't it? The resentment and anger is perfectly understandable though. We all get it. I know with my AH, I just had to accept the fact that he was drinking all of the time. I just made the assumption that he was drunk 24/7. Even if you don't actually see the drinking, you have to assume that he's under the influence whether it's just a "few" or it's a butt load. The quantity doesn't matter anymore. And maybe some days are better than others but after a certain point, they get sick if they stop drinking. Catch 22.

Always remember those 3 C's. And the 3 C's help outside of the life of dealing with an alcoholic too. We actually have very little control over things/people.