PeacefulWater12

Many thanks for your question, Be Kind Always, I don't mind at all.

Sorry, my writing may not have been clear. I have been doing recovery for about 10 1/2 years which is the time I have been sober. I have attended Al-anon, Adult Child of Alcoholics meetings and as well as Overeaters Anon. So it has been a very long process, I also did lots of recovery work many many years ago too.

I knew my perceptions and beliefs formed in childhood in an alcoholic home were completely distorted so had been working on them for a very long time.

I created this thread not that long ago due to me having a suddenly breakthrough, which as you probably know often happens when we work our recovery.

We kind of know things but then suddenly it embeds and gets deeper and becomes who we are.

Hence me starting this thread about my eyes being opened. That happened as the end part of a very long process.

I hope this makes sense as I have explained it.

dandylion

PW.........I think that explains a lot!

Bekindalways

Thanks Peaceful. I had understood that you had been in recovery for a long time. I find it hopeful that even after a long time of work you discovered yet another layer. I'm always hoping to find some other level of awareness and action in which to live. It is why I found this thread so interesting.

PeacefulWater12

Thank you both, DandyLion & BeKindAlways.

You have both given me the words I needed. This has helped me. Yes, I have gone down to a deeper LAYER! A deeper LEVEL.

Thank you.

It felt like suddenly my brain was able to show me deeper truth. As I understand it, when we live through a traumatic time (so I am speaking of my childhood in a violent, alcoholic "home"), our brains protect us by burying it all very deeply and then only release it little by little. So it is not overwhelming. I had recreated the dynamics of my childhood experience. Me. I did it. I picked my hubby as he ticked all the boxes of what I needed.

The other interesting thing with this breakthrough is how I now see other people and their trauma.

I can now SEE it. I could not before, other peoples trauma was also hidden from me. My brain protecting me again, is my thought on it.

Yet now I can see my actions and why I needed to recreate the sick dynamic of my childhood, I can see it in others.

My sponsor has mentioned the same. Once something is revealed within us, we then have the ability to see it in others.

So as an example, I now may read a post on here. A lengthy post with all manner of comments about an active drinker in the persons life. Before my perception would have been straight on the behaviour of the active drinker.

Now my perception is the sick behaviours us spouses/parents are enacting.

We see everything as a mirror to our own lives.

So I see the sickness I had in how I reacted to late hubby's behaviours.



I absolutely love this process and although painful, I feel very blessed to be working it.

Bekindalways

There really is a pacing to our own personal development and healing. The saying, "Time takes time" is true for so many aspects of recovery.

I'm a bit envious of your sudden step forward in the process; however, my timeline is my own and I will come to realizations and healing according to my own pace.

I read people posting here and so so wish they could move on faster but as we can't change our own schedule of recovery, even less can we change someone else's.

LifeRecovery

Peaceful

There is a part in the first Shrek movie about him being a complicated, multilayered onion that really spoke to me. My vegetable is a little different....an artichoke. Because for me I had to circle around and revisit similar topics at a deeper level. Artichokes are hard on the outside and with each layer that I removed I am getting to the heart of me.

I also wanted to say that it took me time to shift to what you addressed about recovery and time. Recently I am starting to realize that I needed to have my ex-husband in my life, to give me the opportunity to have recovery. I needed to be shown that the well worn painful habits I was doing was not working and make it painful enough to decide to change. I have not fully forgiven my ex husband yet, but I have started to get really grateful to him.

mylifeismine

Peaceful, your posts contain a treasure of true insights and raw honesty about
the character defects of us codependents, which we are loathe to admit and rather
focus all our attention on the pathetic alcoholic. Some time ago I came to believe we
are opposites sides of the same coin. The quality that finally allows us to inspect
our own faults and contribution to the dysfunctional relationship is
Self-compassion.

Until we can be gentle with ourselves, and understanding, and forgiving, we
will remain in denial about the truth of our motives and intentions.
We will not tell ourselves the truth if we can't forgive ourselves.

PeacefulWater12

Many thanks BeKindAlways, LifeRecovery & MyLifeIsMine for sharing your thoughts, processing and insights.

I have found I can only move at the right pace for me. I have had to learn to be kind and gentle to myself.

I have also discovered if I am 100% pointing at my late hubby blaming him him him him for everything, that is completely distorted and incorrect.

Now I can see it more, when someone is listing complaints and horrific, dramatic descriptions of what "their" addict is "doing to them", this has to ring very loud alarm bells. The actual issue for that person is - how on earth did YOU (YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU) get YOURSELF in that situation!

I can also see that as a sober person when I was caught up in all this insanity with my hubby, I was doing far crazier things sober than he was drunk.

So there I was, wailing about hubby doing what drinkers do. I needed to be looking at why I was attracted to him in the first place, what was it in me that found a drinker a good match to me. Why did I not find his behaviours a red flag that caused me to walk away rather than attract me.

My hubby matched my dysfunction perfectly. We were a perfect match.

So being with him allowed me the grace to very slowly access, process and heal my childhood which I had very skill fully recreated. My hubby was my dad and I was my mum. Drinker and martyr. The drinker usually likes to be in the staring role, I was in the supporting actress role. Roles all the same.

I can see this. I forgive myself. I needed to do it. To heal.

I suspect there is plenty more in me to come up and out. Which is fine. I will keep moving forward.

As mentioned this is first time EVER, I will be without a partner. I thought I NEEDED one. I do not.

So for first time in my adult life I need to be me. Not to have to shape myself around someone else.

I wondered if I would find this scary, I do not. I find it liberating.

honeypig

PW, thank you for this most recent post. It is filled to the brim with the courage to look honestly at yourself and the truth you found there. THIS is what recovery looks like.

This part of your post particularly resonated w/me:

"As mentioned this is first time EVER, I will be without a partner. I thought I NEEDED one. I do not. So for first time in my adult life I need to be me. Not to have to shape myself around someone else.
I wondered if I would find this scary, I do not. I find it liberating."

This was my situation also--55 years old and I'd never truly lived on my own. I was scared initially, oh yes indeed I was, but I used all the tools I'd learned about here and at Alanon and got through it. Now, 6 years later, the learning and growing continues, and it's all based on those first tiny little steps.

I'd like to share a reading that I found right about the time XAH moved out. I printed this out and stuck it up on the wall, and let me tell you, I read it many, many times during those first few months!

This Will Pass

Breathe. You’re going to be okay.

Breathe and remember that you’ve been in this place before. You’ve been this uncomfortable and anxious and scared, and you’ve survived.

Breathe and know that you can survive this too. These feelings can’t break you. They’re painful and debilitating, but you can sit with them and eventually, they will pass. Maybe not immediately, but sometime soon, they are going to fade and when they do, you’ll look back at this moment and laugh for having doubted your resilience.

I know it feels unbearable right now, but keep breathing, again and again. This will pass. I promise it will pass.

Bravo, PW.

Nd819

PW, I also appreciate your recent update. The one thing I can so relate to is that I somehow have recreated my parents relationship, my dad was not an alcoholic, instead he had a temper and was difficult, my mom was the martyr always trying to keep the peace and walking on eggshells. Take away the alcohol and I have the same marriage. Sad.

PeacefulWater12

Thank you, HoneyPig, what a beautiful reading. Thank you for sharing it. I am 57 so very near the age you were when you stepped out on your own too.

I don't feel scared, I feel safe and secure.

Being around my hubby created feeling of fear and insecurity in me. Financial fear and insecurity. That I would end up with no income or home. Without going into too much depth as it is irrelevant now, his lifestyle created all sorts of financial insecurity. This has now stopped.

PeacefulWater12

Sorry to hear this. It is so sad how we need to recreate our childhood so we can relive it.

I do sometimes feel frustrated when people who drink/rage etc comment that "oh their children aren't aware, that they keep it hidden from the kids". Urgh wake up!! Of course the children are aware. The children may not know the words or what the reasons are but absolutely can see and feel the tensions in the home.

My dad had a bad temper too. He also put women down a lot. Second class citizens. Awful attitude.

Givenup2018

Thank you for sharing this @peaceful water. I am not an A nor a smoker but I am asking myself the same questions about do I stay in this marriage to my AH.
For me its mostly my age and financial reasons. But I need to check my attitude towards him big time, I get carried away. I was reminded this morning from something I read
to not let unwholesome talk come from my mouth except what is useful for building up. I fail on this one over and over when we get into rows, as I just let out all the anger, hurt and frustration. I am shooting myself in the foot, what is the point?

Givenup2018

Sorry for your loss PW. Wishing you a life filled with personal growth and happiness going forward.
Thank your for this post in particular, it is so insightful. I still do the blame game, thank you so much for this reminder.

PeacefulWater12

Thank you for both your posts, Given Up.

The "blame game". It is such an enticing way to see everything. Not MY fault. Finger pointing firmly at some one else.

I hear you too about checking our attitudes towards others. I was "Saint Peaceful Water" for some years (in my own messed up head). The martyr'd saintly lady suffering selflessly looking after that "nasty old alkie".

What an absolutely load of old rubbish! For goodness sake!!! Haha. Of course being this martyr'd saint meant (in my head) I could be as mean and shoddily behaved as I wanted be. Just as distorted as the denial system an addict uses.

It always comes back to us needing to keep focus on ourselves.

I hope you find the strength and clarity to decide how you want to take forward your marriage, Given Up. We all deserve happiness.

FallenAngelina

I will say that learning the essential value of eliminating BLAME from my thinking has made a tremendously positive difference in my life. Blame is so easy to fall into and so readily supported and echoed by well meaning people. But blame just keeps me rooted in resentment and cut off from my power center. For me, spending time around people who are consciously not blame oriented has been the way forward in developing a life in which I have power and good self esteem. I practice this online as well as in person. You've been such a person for me, PeacefulWater. I am constantly uplifted by your efforts to shift your thinking from blame to choice.

PeacefulWater12

Many thanks for your sharing, Fallen Angelina. I am glad my journey is uplifting to you, I was uplifted reading your post.

Isn't that wonderful to uplift each other, rather than dragging others down.

Interesting you mention seeking out people who to have around you who support the outlook in life you are working to build. I have been wanting to do that as well. We really do have to be aware of and edit negative influences, I think.

I want to protect myself from being pulled backwards into behaviours I am working to move on from. I want people who inspire me.

I hear you about people supporting and echoing blame. Most of my friends like a good moan, I did too, of course. This is now not compatible with my goals. A friend was looking for me to support her moaning over the phone at the weekend. I stayed silent. The part of the conversation where my role was to confirm that her moan was valid was left hanging. A very loud silence, she waited, I waited, she waited a bit more. I stayed silent. She changed the subject.

(It felt very uncomfortable to not say anything, every part of me had been trained to "people please" and tell people what they want to hear. It did feel like the world would explode if I did not enable her but it didn't explode.)

I will do this every time with people. It works well. It will give two different results. People will either adjust and not moan at me or they will call someone else to moan at. Both are fantastic results.

Boundary setting rather than asking someone to alter their behaviour. As we know, we can only change ourselves but our changes can give the most enormous and positive results.

Like when we ask a drinker to alter something, it is met with denial, (possibly) verbal abuse. A waste of time and basically an invitation to a big fight. If we set boundaries, it is a whole different dynamic.

I change myself and the whole world changes.

Anyway, Fallen Angelina, I am just sharing what I have so gratefully learned.

You mention personal power, gosh yes, we have way more than we may think. I can remember feeling helpless and hopeless under the weight of all those things "other people were doing to me"!!! My outlook was very distorted.

PeacefulWater12

I seem to be experiencing more waves of emotions today. Deep, deep sobbing and crying. Brief. It hits me, it comes up, I fully feel it, it releases and goes. Lasts about ten minutes each time.

Deeply painful, feels deeply within my body, almost feels unbearable as I sit and fully feel it, then a lifting feeling as it goes.

By far it is the most frequent and intense since hubby passed. (Just over a month ago).

i have been at home all day so I have had the privacy and space to 100% let it flow as it needs too.

I think, and I stress the word THINK, that it is not grief for hubby, I think it is like a ptsd thing from the years of living with a mentally ill alcoholic and the abuse game we danced. Both of us playing our part.

I THINK this response in me is my body trying to recover from all of that.

I am only guessing as I have never experienced anything like it before. If anyone has been through similar and can help, I would very much appreciate it.

Bekindalways

I haven't been through anything like this Peaceful. I wouldn't think it is uncommon. It might not be about your AH's death but the death may have brought up issues that you haven't grieved . . . . I'm totally guessing too.

LifeRecovery

I took a grief course as my marriage was ending. One of the best things I learned was that present day challenges often help us to uncover grief that needs to be relieved from the past. It helped me to frame it as my previous stuff was a wound, and the current wound was helping me to open it up and clean it out so I could have the opportunity to heal it but that it was old and deep from both injuries

I did not have the sorrow you described but I have had other emotions well like that for me previously, and they were all old. For me anger tends to have stayed the most stuck in my body and being. For me anger was the most likely emotion that I was bound and determined to not have.

On a number of occasions I had uncontrolled burping as my body was processing something deep down. I have witnessed yawning etc in others. I have the name of the grief book and will look for it for you. Also a book called "The Body Keeps the Score," helped me on this journey.

I think there is a quote that I won't get correct by Winston Churchilll about the only way through is to keep going....for me it sounds like you gave yourself permission to have that today.